One of the worst days yet :(

[kchan]

So i returned to work today after being out for a few days (unrelated illness), i was anxious about returning but i couldn't have even anticipated. Within the first hour i was locked in the bathrooms crying :weep: Throughout the day it was just constant lump in throat, constant fluttering heart, constant short breath, constant shivering, constant constant constant. I considered leaving early but somehow managed to make it through the day (8 hour work day) mainly by lying to myself and saying i could stay out tomorrow or leave early or something. I am due to see my doctor Wednesday and it can't come quick enough, i just hope they can do something, anything, to help. I'm currently taking 40mg Propanolol 3 times a day, today i also had Kalms with me, neither really did anything. The Propanolol did help initially but only for a short time, now they don't seem to do anything. I just don't know how i'm going to handle tomorrow, or the days after even if the doctor does help. I feel pretty far beyond hope at this point :weep:

[Annie0904]

I am really sorry to hear this. It happened to me once before when I tried to return to work and I ended up locking myself in a room and crying uncontrollably. This time I knew I had to wait until my meds were settled and that I had at least one really good week. As you know I returned to work today but only on a very gradual return. I only worked 1.5 hours today and it went really well. maybe you just need to give yourself some more time and maybe consider a phased return? :hugs::hugs:

[Edie]

I'm sorry today was hard. Maybe it was because you've taken time off. Physical illness is a massive trigger for my anxiety and depression, so maybe that hasn't helped matters. I really hope tomorrow will be better and your appointment on Wednesday comes around quickly!

[kchan]

I only worked 1.5 hours today and it went really well. maybe you just need to give yourself some more time and maybe consider a phased return? :hugs::hugs:

The problem is, this is my first job and i only started a short time ago, and i didn't know i had anxiety before i started. It sprung on me in my first week and was bad enough to make me go to a doctor, knowing the feelings now i know i've had it before as a kid at school (i was bullied a lot which i think is how i developed it) but it was never diagnosed, i didn't even know the word "anxiety" then! I've searched literally years for a job, finally landed a great full time position, and then this happened. I really feel like i've let everyone down because of it and i'll end up losing the position, i've already taken a day out of the week but it was made clear that was the most that could be done, and honestly i don't think i could ask for more because i'd feel like they would be much better off with someone else and i'd be much better of not being there :sad:

[Sunshine77]

Ah, I'm sorry it was so hard today but do you know what, you need to give yourself a massive pat on the back for getting through it! You could have left early, you could have not gone in the first place but you went, and you made it through the day - that's fantastic!

I can completely relate to you. I've been off a number of weeks but only started the job in October so at this rate I'll be off more for longer than I worked! It's very easy for me to get paranoid and think they're going to sack me but I've been honest with them throughout and they've been ok actually. I think that because we are anxious we are perfectionists whilst we're at work and this makes us really good workers, so I am sure you are valued more highly than you think.

Day at a time - concentrate on relaxing this evening and getting some sleep. I really hope it goes better for you tomorrow - I am sure the first day is the worst.

:hugs:

[Annie0904]

Like Sunshine said, you did really well to stay there the whole day so well done on that. I know that the way today went may be making you even more anxious about tomorrow but tomorrow is another day and hopefully a much better one. :hugs:

[iamlove]

try and fall asleep tonight listening to a self confidence or anxiety relief hypnoses video on youtube. It might help you feel better tomorrow if you go to sleep feeling relaxed and your mind taken off it.

[BobbyDog]

Fingers crossed for you.xxxx

[kchan]

Thank you all for the nice words, i'm trying hard to stay positive :bighug1:

[Tessie28]

Keep going, even if you have to tell yourself fibs.
:bighug1:

[kchan]

I keep telling myself it's ok if I can't make it tomorrow, then feel guilty for even considering it. Should I feel guilty? It's so conflicting :doh:

[Annie0904]

No you shouldn't feel guilty. I made myself worse for a while for feeling guilty about work, your health is more important than anything. Try not to think any more about it tonight (easier said than done I know). Try to get a good nights sleep..tomorrow is another day, see how you feel then.

[kchan]

Thank you Annie :) I did manage a good night sleep but the second I woke up it all kicked off, I took a propanolol like I do every morning but it may as well have been a Smartie! Did nothing and I had to call time and admit it had me. It frustrates me so much especially when I was doing so much better when the propanolol was first prescribed, now I wonder why I bother. I at least see my doctor tomorrow, I just pray they can help so I can get back to being almost normal ASAP!

[rb1978]

I feel like this at the moment....just like you described. Had a day off yesterday with an unrelated matter and now I've come back to work - after just one day off - and feel on the verge of tears, very vry anxious.

Maybe it just takes a few days of somehow getting through the day til you start to feel better? Who knows.

[Annie0904]

When you have had unrelated illnesses it really takes it out of you which can trigger anxiety. I hope you feel better soon :hugs:

[kchan]

After seeing the doctor I was told to take a break from work for a few weeks and was prescribed 20mg of citalopram which was relieving but also worrying. I had considered depression as an issue with the anxiety but having it confirmed and more medication given makes me wonder if this job is worth this. I've tried visualising myself there and it sends me into an attack, but visualising working somewhere else doesn't, but the thought of quitting and being without money or sticking and trying to find a job simultaneously does (especially given it took years to find this). I'm trying to take this time to relax but I often find myself thinking about these things and trying to find a solution, it's maddening :weep:

[Annie0904]

I know just what you mean. I have just had my first week back on phased return and just not sure it is what I want to do any more. I enjoy working with the children but finding it too stressful for me but mentally and physically. I have other options that I am sure would work but it is the time in between where I may struggle financially and adjusting to a new routine.

[kchan]

I don't know if a phased return would help me after this, I'm not totally sure what I think to be honest! I do at least see my doctor before I return and I know the citalopram takes time to work so hopefully by the time I need to face it I'll have a clearer head. I at least want to try, it sounds like you've tried too Annie but if you're not happy then you're not happy, you need to come first. :bighug1:

[manwithnoname]

hi KChan, I can completely understand what you are going through, I have been off work for 3 years now with anxiety and depression and at the moment i simply can't cope with work because of the people there. The industry that I work in, software design, seems to attract a lot of aggressive, intimidating and hostile personalities and i simply can't work with them, i don't know if that is similar to what you have experienced