View Full Version : Childhood issues causing problems now!
Sorry, this is a long one! When I was a child I was always so scared of the dark. My dad got annoyed at me crying when I had been put in my room one night so he shut my door and held it shut so I was in total darkness. I went into a blind panic, I thought I was dying, it's the worst fear I have ever felt even to this day, I think I was around 5 at the time. I was trying to get out and throwing myself against the door as hard as I could but obviously I couldn't get out until my mother got me out. Night time was a dangerous time in my house as a child. My dad would fight in his sleep, get up and throw furniture and wander around still in a deep sleep. Towards the end of my parents relationship, I could not sleep until I could hear him snoring as I thought he was going to kill me and my mother as we slept. He had bought a crossbow for this purpose, luckily it was never used. Until I was around 12 I shared a room with my mum, and my dad slept in a different room. I never had to be in the dark by myself, ever, and so I never got over my crippling fear. When I did get my own room once my dad moved out, I always had the door propped open with the bathroom light on, so I could always see and I could always get out. And that's the way it's stayed until now. I've moved in with my partner now, which means I have to be an adult. My mother isn't here to save me from the scary things that I'm convinced are in the dark, and all my partner knows is that my childhood was turbulent, but he isn't aware of the details. I ensure we sleep with the curtains open as there is a street light outside, and that the tv is on while I fall asleep for light and background noise so I cannot hear any other sounds in the house. When I wake up in the night without the tv on I get very unsettled, it's very difficult to fall asleep again. We had a power-cut once, and my partner found my unreasonable fear frustrating. This has been helped now I have also got my dog sleeping in the room with us, as I always trust her to bark if there is something we need to be aware of and she is very protective of us. My partner struggles to sleep unless he is in complete silence and darkness. He gets annoyed and frustrated and I'm sure this is because he doesn't fully understand but I really don't know how to sit him down and explain all this. I am now in a situation where he is having to work odd nights. This will be going on for a few months, and I have no other options than to stay in the house alone with my dog. I could sleep at my mums house, however at the age of 20 I really want to be independent, as much as I detest this. I am so scared there will be a power cut. Our house is very noisy and bangy, I always drown these sounds out with the tv and feel relaxed enough to ignore them when he is with me, but when I'm alone I can't help but listen closely to see what it is, to check there isn't someone inside, etc. I'm too scared to go upstairs at all, I can't go into the bedroom as I would have to lock the door to feel safe, but then I'd be trapped. However downstairs, I don't feel secure at all. I cannot sleep until he gets home. This is exhausting me and I'm really struggling. Does anyone have any suggestions to help me cope with this while he is away? Does anyone else experience anything like this? I would appreciate anyone's thoughts in regards to improving my situation.
Don't hate yourself for having a fear like this. Be assured that there are others with a fear of the dark and I'm sure they will post after me shortly :) When I was a child I had a problem with the dark at night but for different reasons. Occasionally I still feel a bit edgy and especially if I have a night panic. If I am afrain in my bed, the first thing I do is anchor myself, that is I rely on one of my senses, touch or hearing, to engage me. I will either follow my breathing and keep my attention on it, or listen to sounds in the room and outside. I also focus on the relaxing feelings of sleep. It's ok to have the TV on, I feel the same when I am alone in the house. What you can do is work with your fear and gradually stretch yourself. Take a deep breath and explore the upstairs until you have been everywhere. You could maybe make a phonecall to someone if you have nothing to do. Its down to you to gradually push yourself and not give in to your anxiety. Prove to yourself that you are ok by relaxing with some food, maybe a beer, watch something funny and have a laugh. If you at least pretend to be ok, your subconscious often goes along with it.
If you want to be free of this fear, you will have to gradually expose yourself with it. You might want to see the doctor and get refferred for some CBT. As you had a traumatic childhood, you have something here that could do with sorting if you are to get rid of this fear.
Hugs, Pancho.
Thank you, I found that very reassuring! :)
Hello there
You sound like you had a very traumatic time when you were a child and it;s not surprising you feel how you do. Pancho has given you some good advice to cope and deal with the symptoms much better than I could but I do agree that you need to discuss what happened with your Dad (ie the root cause of your problem) with a health professional.
You shouldn't feel embarrassed that you have this fear or that you can't be helped to get over it. It might be scary but contacted your GP is the first step to ridding yourself of it alltogether
Take care and big hugs from me too.
:hugs:
hi Lauralouu, i'm a lot older than you, i didn't have the childhood trauma that you did, yet i do have a similar fear of the dark, and of being alone at night... i always have to have the landing light on through the night, and the bedroom door open a little, and if my hubby is away for the night it's like Blackpool Illuminations in our house - i leave the landing light on, the downstairs hall light on, a lamp in the lounge, my bedside lamp..
i can quite happily sleep with a light on in the room, in fact i sleep better once daylight dawns (security), but my hubby always used to sleep in complete darkness before he met me. he understands though, and has got used to having some light coming in from the landing.
i would just be honest with your partner, or show him this thread.. and if the tv disturbs him but comforts you, maybe get yourself a music/radio player with headphones?
i agree with the others that some kind of therapy might well help you put the demons away, but don't ever feel ashamed or unusual for wanting some light when it's dark - i think it's pretty normal.
Hi Lauralou, I'm 50 years older than you and I cannot sleep in the pitch dark either! I don't nowadays actually need a light on as long as there's a bit of light coming round the curtains and the digital clock is glowing, but the pitch dark terrifies me. My husband has learned to cope with this and when we are somewhere away from home will always wait for me to say it's okay once the light is out or if not open the curtains a bit or make sure there's some light from somewhere.
So no you're not unusual and you have a lot more reason than many of us to be scared. Good luck and take it one step at a time. You may never be able to sleep in the pitch dark but it will get better.
Everyone else has given you really good advise so I just want to add to it that I am having intense Psychotherapy at the moment that is really helping me to deal with issues from my past. Maybe you could ask your doctor about it?
Wow, sounds like you have PTSD or another type of reaction to a traumatic experience. As children, especially, we absorb these traumatic things that happen to us because our brain can't process them fully. It makes sense that it comes back and affects us later in life.
I personally have done EMDR for PTSD and it has helped me a lot. It is a type of therapy where you reflect on the original trauma and your feelings while your therapist has you do eye movements. Sounds funny, but it does work.
spottitchsam
13-02-13, 13:12
Lauralouu,i am so sorry what you had to put up with when you were so little.i hope the following will help in a way. When I was a carer I was always worried about sleeping in someone's else's house.I found comfort in the following devices.I always had my mobile phone close by me.(fear of someone cutting the cable outside house).a torch in case of power cuts.a night light that was a security light in itself.when power was off the light came on automatic.the light lasted for 8hrs + you can buy them from Lakeland shop.a alarm which was a portable device that was also a lock.it was like 2pieces of metal together. one slipped in the recess where the catch of the door closes and the other had a slider on the other piece.good reading book,and radio.you could always have a intercom one at the bottom of the stairs and the other one in your room.one final piece of kit was a bucket so I need not even had to go to the bathroom. I know some of you may think I went over the top but I can reassure you with my (kit) in place I had no problem in getting off to sleep knowing I was quite safe in my room.
I'm going away to butlins with my young granddaughter on Monday and my kit is packed in one bag altogether so I know I will have a safe night.x
Thank you everyone, I found your replies very reassuring. I managed to spend a night in the house by myself in my bedroom, and explored the house at night. The lights were all on, but its a start. :)
Well, reading your story strikes a nerve with me and I have to say that the things that scared or unnerved me about night time are still with me to some degree in middle age. I can remember when i was 5 we moved to a new house. It was long & narrow and night after night I kept waking up confused wondering where I was. I couldn't find my bedroom door to get out and can remember feeling the walls in the dark trying to find the door. I do remember how scared and disorientated I felt. I just wanted to get to my mother as I was frightened
Another thing that I really was scared of is if we had a thunderstorm in the night. Same thing really that I was desperate to get to my parents room, to my mother as I was terrified of it. Making my way along the hall, bearing in mind there was a big skylight which meant the lightning seemed like it was going to get me. I didn't know whether to cover my eyes or stick my fingers in my ears because of the thunder.
If they forecast thunder even now I get very nervous and before I was living with my partner I would go to the bedroom early and keep the lights on. If we have a storm now, I have to put all the lights on if I need to get up for the loo.
Finally, as our house was long and narrow and my room was the furthest away from our lounge, I hated being last one to bed as I always felt like there was something behind me that was going to get me. I knew there wasn't really but there was always a strong sensation something was there.. I was genuinely scared of that house and particularly being there after dark and especially if alone.
I remember this vividly and hadn't really felt it was that significant a thing til I was describing it to my counsellor recently. She sat there saying that the way I described our house and these things, she could really sense and feel the fear I had. It never occurred to me that the fear was still there with me and very much real. It seemed really important hearing her say that as it made me appreciate the damage it did being so confused and disorientated.
So, I feel that if my experiences were long lasting, it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that what happened to you has had a lasting effect.
I really do feel u would be well advised to see a therapist and obtain some form of treatment such as others have recommended here. Speaking from my own experience, I left it way too long to take my past and it's affect seriously so I urge you to get some help.
Finally before I go, I have to say your father was well out of line and no truly caring parent would do that to their child. His lack of patience and compassion is poor, very very poor and he should have behaved in a more responsible way. I feel your fear too but am hoping you will find the support here very reassuring and helpful. Also that if you are able to seek some assistance from a professional, then your situation can be eased and it would be possible for plenty if improvement in the future
---------- Post added at 20:57 ---------- Previous post was at 20:48 ----------
I don't nowadays actually need a light on as long as there's a bit of light coming round the curtains and the digital clock is glowing, but the pitch dark terrifies me.
That's interesting, because I don't like light coming through the curtains, it gives me the creeps. Anything that flashes in the dark it spooky for me too. But we are all different and it's whatever makes us comfortable that counts.
---------- Post added at 21:01 ---------- Previous post was at 20:57 ----------
maybe get yourself a music/radio player with headphones?when i first lived on my own, I always went to sleep with the radio on and it was always a sort of "chatty" show which made me feel I wasn't alone. First night I was scared but realised I was going to have to come to terms with it. I did in the end. My TV was my evening friend and my radio my night time friend. You do get used to it but its a gradual thing.
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