Up & down like a yo-yo - confused!

[Sunshine77]

Hi, can anyone relate to this - I literally have no idea when I go to sleep at night what the next day is going to be like. For the last 2 days I have woken up feeling pretty positive, and had an ok day. This morning I woke up at silly o clock with pounding heart, sweating, and huge panic and fear that didn't seem to attach itself to anything in particular - it was just there. I got back to sleep eventually and then couldn't drag myself out of bed when it was actually time to get up - just wanted to hide under the duvet.

I've got through the day, felt a bit better this afternoon whilst doing some cooking and baking, met some friends this evening and then when I left them I was just overwhelmed with hopelessness and despair and cried all the way home. Now I don't feel like sleeping.

I'm just worn out with the unpredictability of this!

I don't know whether part of it is that I got signed off work for another week on Monday, so the return is approaching again. Or it could be that my dad is finally moving from hospital to a care home on Monday and is really really distressed (anxiety being his main problem too) and I have to move him and be there for him. Or it could be both of these things or neither. How do I know? I feel like if I knew what it was that caused me to suddenly have another bad day, I could do something about it, but I just don't! I can see the hope in my husband when I have a couple of good days and then he just looks crushed when he realises I've had another blip, and I hate it! I feel like I'm letting myself, him, my employer and everyone else down.

Does therapy help identify the things that are causing the anxiety? I've been referred for CBT but it's not till next month.

Sorry to go on. Just need to know I'm not alone and that what I'm experiencing is normal(ish!!) :weep:

Thanks x

[Annie0904]

I have up and down days too but I am sure the end of your sick note date has a lot to do with it as will worrying about your dad :hugs::hugs:

[hellan1980]

I have up and down days too. It could be a combination of all the things that you described. Your going through so much right now I am not surprised your up and down. I don't if this helps but my granddad had alziemers and he too was unable to go back home and had to go into a care home. My gran felt awful about it and so did my mum, even though they knew deep down it was the right thing to do. Even I felt awful, but I knew it was for his safety and the safety of my nan. So I think I can understand how you are feeling.
My husband goes back to work next week, which means I am back at the flat on my own again. Normally doesn't bother me a bit, in fact normally its like a relief coz I get to do what I want to do and don't have anyone but me to answer to. But I have been dreading, worried I'll have a panic attack and it takes him 2 hours to get home from work.

Anyway if you ever want to chat or rant or anything feel free to PM me

[Pinktel]

Sunshine77, I can relate to the hope in hubbies eyes etc and can relate to the up and down.

The best and most powerful thing I can suggest is get onto the cbt4panic programme. You will learn it is irrelevant what is making you have down days, you can't control life, hormones etc, other people's affects on you etc, so no point dwelling on it.

Learning to deal with the panic is the only way. That is the most powerful treatment you will discover.

I too wake at night like that. So do many others. I am slowly learning that it is within me to get through it and not then dwell on it so that it becomes an issue.

[*Luthien*]

I am completely the same when I wake up. I have really good days and then other days I wake up with a tight feeling in my chest, butterflies and am extremely irritable straight away!! And I don't even know the reason, because I don't have anything major planned for the day, it's just a normal day. I understand about how you feel with your husband. My boyfriend of 7 years is the same. He just seems so disappointed when I wake up in these moods and I know he is trying not to show it and he does his best to cheer me up and shake me out of it but it's too late and we normally just go a whole morning without talking. But I have found that this is the best for us because we are giving each other space while I try to get myself out of this mood and we kiss and make up almost and then I can focus on what is left of my day. But I feel I let him and myself down for not being able to go a day without a blip.

It is good that you have your husband to encourage you to get better though, I'm sure he tries to be the most understanding as he can be (I know that people who have never suffered from this kind of anxiety can find it hard to understand, but if you can find someone who wants to try and is there for you when things are bad then you are very lucky).

I have done a course of CBT and it can definitely be helpful. Just focus on knowing that you have got that and just take each day as it comes until then. :hugs:

Take care of yourself

*Luthien*

[Sunshine77]

Thanks all for your replies.

The dad thing is actually positive. Since he tried to commit suicide in November he's been in hospital and I've been seeing him daily at first and then since I've been ill, every other day. There is literally no other family so it's been hard, visiting him, getting Power of Attorney, finding a home for him, putting his flat on the market and clearing it out... it's also thrown up a lot of stuff from my childhood that I'm not finding easy to process. And I've got a formal complaint going to panel with the NHS for reasons I won't bore you with! So the move on Monday is the first step in getting it all resolved. He is so distressed generally but even he knows that the home is the right thing for him. He's been ill on and off since 2008 and this wasn't his first suicide attempt. Thing is, my anxiety isn't centred on him, it's not really attached to anything - just pure panic. I'm not good again today.

Pinktel thank you - I had wondered about that programme and will sign up to it. You've made a penny drop in my head actually - trying to figure out what's causing the bad days is actually making me dwell on all the things it could be, so thinking more about things and therefore making it worse! Doh! You're so right - it doesn't matter what's causing it. I just need to learn to deal with it. Thank you (I am a slow learner) :D

Luthien - my husband tries to cheer me up too, he's a really funny guy but when I'm in the depths it's like I've had a complete sense of humour failure and nothing can reach me. I keep apologising to him and he keeps telling me there's nothing to be sorry for so I guess I should start listening (and so should you!!) and remember we're not letting them down, we're just a bit poorly.

Hellan thanks, I'll PM you sometime and we can chat. I can understand your fear about next week

Thanks all :hugs: