please talk to me someone

[manwithnoname]

it would be really great if i could talk to someone on here about what i am going through, i feel gripped by anxiety virtually all day and feel i am going out of mind

[Katie22]

:hugs: You ok..... this a great site with people who will listen and try to help. I have been like this for years....tried different tablets and yes felt like you as if I was going out of my mind. We have to take one day at a time. If you want to talk I'm here.

[manwithnoname]

Thanks for replying katie. i don't know where to start. I have been off work for 3 years with anxiety and depression, i still get a partial salary so i am still ok for money at the moment. I simply can't work with some of the people there especially my manager who has got to be one of the most aggressive and intimidating personalities i have ever come across. i wan't to be able to work but i just can#t cope with it, i wonder a lot of the time if i will ever cope with work and worry about money if they take away the partial salary, 75%. I can't get on with my brother also he is just awful. I am very sensitive and easily hurt and just cannot seem to change my personality no matter how much i try - it all just feels hopeless

[Charlie11]

As Katie said you have to take it one day at a time. Are you on any meds? Try and distract yourself I know it's hard, I try going to the gym/walk or just chatting to friends. There are some great relaxation CDs you can down load if you go onto excellife. I know it's hard to try and relax when you feel so anxious but you need to practise even when your having a good day. Also there is loads of books you can read ie feel the fear or overcoming anxiety. This is also a great site with lots of great people and info. Keep in touch your not alone :flowers:

[manwithnoname]

Charlie, yes I take 150mg of sertraline once a day and 1mg of respiridone twice a day, i feel like i am going mad, i'm so gripped with anxiety and feel my life is so hopeless and pointless

[Katie22]

How's the other pepole in your family with you, do they understand, its very difficult, my husband, does'nt never has, but one of my sons are going thro the same thing his trouble started at work with his boss, he was demanding, aggresive and very rude towards him... but since he has left and found a new job he's 99% better i think people who suffer like us are very sensitive and need reassurance. like Charlie said, try going for a walk, its really hard, you have to push yourself I know, I have bought a bike, dont go very far on it but i do feel better when I've been on it. Have you had CBT or any other councelling?

[Charlie11]

It's a horrible feeling could your doc add in something like diazipam for a few weeks and maybe zopiclone to help you sleep at night

[manwithnoname]

Katie, I no longer have any contact with my own family, my mum died in '96 and my dad and my brother locked me out the house in '90 and i have never been able to trust them again since that, my brother lives in america now and want's nothing to do with me despite trying my very best to get on with him, he is aggressive, arrogant, critical, judgemental, and quite unaware of how his cruel words and behaviour affects other people, when my mum died i felt so bad towards my dad and brother that i couldn't bring myself to go to my mum's funeral back in scotland, he thinks i'm a scumbag and a loser, i can begin to describe how little i want to do with my own family in scotland. My wife is understanding but has some anxiety and depression issues herself from an abusive marriage in the past, i couldn't discuss my problems with my wife's family as i don't feel they really know me and i have some trust issues talking to people that don't really take some time to get to know me. These days i feel very agitated because i don't have a plan for the future, i can't go back to my old job and i have given up working in electronics now due to the stress it causes internally for me. I feel a little better talking to you knowing you too have been feeling like this for years, i am like you sensitive and easily hurt and just cannot seem to stop the hurt i feel when people say certain things or behave in an intimidating or threatening way

---------- Post added at 11:16 ---------- Previous post was at 11:14 ----------

charlie, i could ask my GP for some Diazepam but I would worry about getting addicted on it but I suppose I could ask for a small quantity

---------- Post added at 11:18 ---------- Previous post was at 11:16 ----------

Chrlie, I did try zopiclone once to help me sleep but I didn't find it had any effect, the respiridone seems to help me sleep better than zopiclone so I take that, i get very panicked about my situation and I feel powerless to get myself out of it

[Katie22]

Im so sorry your family are that way towards you.. at least I can talk to my son.
I have suffered a few years now but last October it took a real grip on me. Not wanting to go out the anxiety was horrendous, I did'nt want anyone around me, to see me,I could'nt cope with any sort of socialising. I had given up work in July, which was a part time job, I enjoyed it, but the hours were unsocialable, (all Weekends) and then the anxiety set in. Its an uphill struggle everyday, but we gotta do it. (sorry that sounds harsh) its not meant to be. I think also, like Charlie said, you may need something like diazapam just to take the edge of the anxiety. I carry them in bag, like a crutch, dont really need them now, but they helped at the beginning. I was sertraline but that did'nt agree so I'm now on Mirtazapine 10mg.

[manwithnoname]

katie, yes it is an uphill struggle and we do have get on with it, that is true, i understand how you feel about your own issues and it is a shame that your husband doesn't understand, it is so helpful i find when you can talk to and relate to someone who really understands. I went to a counsellor for an assessment recently and she decided there were contra indications which suggested counselling would be a good idea, due to the length of time that i have been suffering with this anxiety and depression. i think for me the answer lies in letting go of the past so that i can see the future

[Charlie11]

My doc only gave me a 2 x 5 mgs for 2 wks but they really helped. My sox to hear you have no family support. As I said before there is loads of support and advice on here. Have you tried cbt I know there is a waiting list in some areas. I was lucky enough to be able to go private through my husbands work. The funding has now stopped but I am waiting to here from the NHs and have been for 10 wks. I think there is a bit of cbt on here you could go onto:)

[Daisy Sue]

I am very sensitive and easily hurt and just cannot seem to change my personality no matter how much i try - it all just feels hopeless

Hi there - I hope you don't mind me stepping in, but that sentence above got me... you don't have to change your personality for anyone or anything! If you as a person, don't fit in with certain people and certain environments, then it's a step forward to acknowledge that, and move on to where you do feel more comfortable, and with people you're ok with... but don't try and change you - you're fine as you are :)

Ok, you may have problems, we all do on here, but I truly believe that we have to be true to ourselves to be happy inside.

[manwithnoname]

thank you so much daisy-sue that really means a lot to me, i just find it so diffciult to be such a sensitive and easily hurt person

---------- Post added at 13:30 ---------- Previous post was at 13:16 ----------

charlie, i did try cbt for a short time but the therapist was rude to me and i stopped seeing him - it really ruined cbt for me

[Daisy Sue]

thank you so much daisy-sue that really means a lot to me, i just find it so diffciult to be such a sensitive and easily hurt person

---------- Post added at 13:30 ---------- Previous post was at 13:16 ----------

charlie, i did try cbt for a short time but the therapist was rude to me and i stopped seeing him - it really ruined cbt for me


:) You're welcome.

Could you think about asking for another CBT referral, with a different therapist? It would be a shame if you missed out on this brilliant therapy completely just because of one bad experience.... I have to say, my CBT guy was amazing, he had the patience of a saint (had to with me - lol) and he helped me so, so much.

[manwithnoname]

yes i could find out about getting another CBT referral I'll see what I can do about that later in the week

[han76]

sounds like your in a very dark place and overwhelmed with life. when your ill every skeleton in your closet comes back to haunt. childhood family relationships the lot. when you suffer stress and Aniexty undiagnosed we cope in weird ways. cut people and problems from our lives shut things out. it's sadly unfinished business. some problems can be fixed retrospectively some can't. your mind is digging out the dirt. Happens to all of us. you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Trying to be a husband a son a brother a breadwinner an employee healthy normal calm. that's a lot for one man. one thing at s time. Meds to cope. counselling to resolve. work to feel secure. each part may have to be revisited. timescales don't apply. stop beating yourself up your poorly x x

[manwithnoname]

han76, thanks for your words of wisdom there is a lot of sense in what you say, i will take on board what you have said

[han76]

han76, thanks for your words of wisdom there is a lot of sense in what you say, i will take on board what you have said

I was in a similar situation. when your stress and Aniexty is at its peak everything overwhelms. I have just started talking to some family after 4 years some I can never forgive. They emotional side is terrible with those you love/hate. it's difficult for family to appreciate how there actions effect. it's difficult to appreciate how unusual actions and emotions brought on by Aniexty are perceived. we need to get well (believe me I am fighting up that hill) to function by socially accepted norms. so that our voices can be heard and past actions put to rest. it's hurtful hard and upsetting. But even if it's telling your story to someone you start to heal. To clear your mind. But I couldn't have tackled anything until the correct medication calmed my poor overloaded mind. sadly we can't take time off from life pressure or thinking. But no problem is insurmountable. CBT and counselling is going to upset make you cry offend and upset. I have hated and liked all the people involved in my treatment. Because the conversations hurt. its my pain and I have kept it tucked away for a long time. I cannot get better till it's all out. like puss in a wound. I wish you all the best just take it small and slow Hannah x x :bighug1:

[manwithnoname]

thank you han for your kind words and wisdom i will take it all on board, like you there family members i can never forgive for things they said and did - its just too much, i tried soooo hard to get on with my brother and all i got in return was a kick in the teeth

[ricardo]

han has hit the nail on the head,Steve.
You have somehow got to try and calm down (easier said than done ) you feel alone and isolated and your anxiety is ten fold what it should be,having read all your posts.
You are getting some great advise on here and there is little I can add except try and stay strong and try and deal with one thing at a time,which I realise is very difficult.
I feel a desperation in you and only wish I could help more.

[han76]

thank you han for your kind words and wisdom i will take it all on board, like you there family members i can never forgive for things they said and did - its just too much, i tried soooo hard to get on with my brother and all i got in return was a kick in the teeth

I really can relate Steve. I also have a brother who I love but we parted ways 20 years ago. Just a few brief crossing of paths since then till 10 years ago then nothing. He was violent vicious and cruel. I have made numerous attempts to reconcile which was his place not mine but I tried to be the bigger person. not going to lie it was heartbreaking to be rejected more. But I have no regrets I tried so I don't have a what if niggle in my head. Do I miss him NO. I miss what he should or could have been. But I can't change events, I can't change him. I can only focus on me, my life, my happiness, my health.
The last time I saw him he smashed my head into a wall till I was unconscious. some would say that's not a man your going to miss. But I still cry like a baby on the miserable days when my GAD takes hold and I am not sleeping wanting the big brother who looked after me in school play grounds. it's not rational. But our thought process is not rational sometimes with GAD.
I don't claim to be wise. I am not but I have been there. sometimes another perspective helps Hannah x x :bighug1:

[manwithnoname]

hello Hannah, yes your experience with your brother does help to put things in perspective for me. I don't know how you can save you have a brother that you love when he has treated the way he has - that is truly awful. My brother is so incredibly ignorant, he thinks nothing of other peoples feelings, I simply can't get on with him and I never could. He was beating up his girlfriend, manipulating and controlling her every movement, she even gave him her PIN so he could control how money she should have and wouldn't let her go out on her own anywhere. She came to me for help when she had had enough and was suicidal with despair, I confided in her about how he treated me and it was such a relief to hear about someone else who was being treated the same way I was being treated. My punishment for this collusion was to be locked out the house and to sleep rough somewhere overnight. He is the one who should have been punished for how he treats people and all I did was meet someone and share my experience of how he treated me with someone else treated the same way. I couldn't believe it. I went out for walk in the evening and came back to find I couldn't get back into the house, I rang and rang and rang the doorbell and neither my dad nor my brother came to the door to let me in. I have never forgiven them for that. My brother's reason for doing that was I am a self-created loser and I deserved that. My Dad lied about it and said he changed the locks to improve the house security. I can never forgive either of them for that.

[han76]

ah now you see I dont like him very much but like and love don't always walk hand in hand. I feel your frustration and sympathise. when we are in the right and others are in the wrong surely the outcome should be favorable to us. sadly life's not black and white. To a GAD sufferer black and white right and wrong is often our overriding life course. I am nice they are nasty. In my chaotic thought I have clung to these indisputable truths. But sadly 99% of the population do not think this way. Do not think if others do not try and do the right thing do not feel our guilt. GAD sufferers don't lie we tear ourselves apart with guilt. Do not intentionally hurt anything. I know it's written all over my face if I lie. I know I can't conceal things. it moulds our life's makes us who we are. It also clouds our judgment of how the world should be. Basing our views that everyone Is like us. They are not so we get hurt over and over shocked and dismayed that others don't feel our guilt. My father left two different legacys. To my brother his temper and violence that he learned in childhood from a generation before. To me his GAD from several generations before. I cannot change the way I am and neither can he. But because we are different we cannot agree. In his mind I am weak but true strength comes from inside. No one is stronger than a GAD sufferer. We have to survive in a cruel world and always live a good life. now that is strength because being decent and kind and doing the right thing lands you in very very hot water with those who would tell a white lie or keep quite Hannah x x :hugs:

[manwithnoname]

There is so much truth in what you say. My own mind is telling me to forget the past, let it go and look forward to the future but I also still feel I need closure on what happened in the past but then my closure does not equate with my dad and my brother, we are just so different and that is how the past should be left, if they cannot see the wrong they have done in the past which is clear to me at least then what is the use in explaining it to them - none. We are different and have different standards of what we define as living as a decent and compassionate human being. For me it is clear, for them it is just different and if they cannot see that then what is the use in trying to explain it to them, it is something which is self-evident not self-justifying. It is hard to accept this as closure but closure it has to be or there is no peace to live. I am happy in the knowledge that I tried as hard as I possibly could to get on with my brother and my dad and even sacrificed my self-respect on many occasions to 'keep the peace' but it was never recognised or seen as being what it was - just trying to get on. Stephen.:)

[han76]

No closure is ever going to calm your mind. You want an admission of guilt on there part. An acceptance of there wrong doings wickedness and failings to you. it is so much easier to paint you and me as weak crazy mental self righteous melding. Who are we with our high morals to tell them how to live there lives and judge ! sound familiar. I have begged ranted phrased it hundreds of ways. Thinking this time they will have to see whats right. Admit they hurt and upset.The only person who needs to know they were wrong is you. Because the words of people like that the truly worthless ones is not important. The more you try the more you fuel there opinions of you.The more your desperate pleas heard again and again sound crazy. it's banging your head against a wall yourself. no it's not a very satisfying conclusion. I wish I had some magic advise an instant cure. There isn't one. But overtime you tell your story and you see the look on someone's face when they see it through your eyes. A little bit of the pain slips away. That fragment of doubt you have that you were wrong dissolves. That little bit of what's wrong with me ? did I deserve it ? the reason you do not talk about it and keep it inside. The insecurities formed by your different treatment. The ones that drive you to succeed be the best. which have probably resulted in your burn out from pushing yourself too hard. you have nothing to prove your free. Feel better and try to let it go its there loss not yours. your a better human than them :bighug1: x x

[manwithnoname]

thank you han

[anx mum]

Hi just read your thread your not alone hun like you anxiety and panic is taking over my life daliy. This has been going on since 17 on and off i totally understand how u feel and its hard cos familys dont understand if only they knew:wacko:. Your welcome to pm me anytime i know how this grips your life. Bev :hugs:

[han76]

your welcome Stephen hope your feeling a little brighter pm me if you ever want to talk. I think I have talked your ear off. off to make pancakes have the urge chin up babe it will not always feel this bad :winks::whistles::D

[manwithnoname]

Hi just read your thread your not alone hun like you anxiety and panic is taking over my life daliy. This has been going on since 17 on and off i totally understand how u feel and its hard cos familys dont understand if only they knew:wacko:. Your welcome to pm me anytime i know how this grips your life. Bev :hugs:

Thank you for your message anx mum it means a lot when i have someone to talk to about this. i still feel angry with my family and i need to let it go as it ruining my life. I have come to accept that I didn't do anything wrong and that I am just different from them - it just hurts when I have grown up believing I can trust my family and then they lock me out the house with no explanation. I think I will survive it if I can just be free of the grip that anxiety has on me at the moment. Another source of anxiety for me is my failure at University, it was a terrible experience for me, first i failed at Edinburgh University where I started Veterinary Medicine and became very depressed with my studies and loneliness that I just sunk into a depression and was almost suicidal with how bad things were going. At one point I was going to break into the lab at the vet school and swallow some potassium cyanide but I couldn't do it and I am glad I didn't as I have prooved that I survived that failure. I went to study electronics later that year in October at Strathclyde University in Glasgow which meant I could live at home again. The home sickness at Edinburgh was a major factor in the depression I was in. My first year went well but things went very badly in my second year and I failed to many exams to progress through to 3rd year so I had to take a year out. I think I knew then I didn't want to do it anymore but I still took my exams again and got back in to 3rd year but not on the Honours course anymore. I'm sure you can imagine how devastating that made me feel - I felt a total failure but I pushed myself through it and graduated in '87 with a pass degree after 5 years of study. Since then I have pushed and pushed myself into one electronics job after another but its been no use. I just feel like a total failure. This takes me upto the present day where I have been off sick from work for the past 3 years with anxiety and depression over the work and the personalities that I clash with. I now know I am very unlikely to go back to that job and can see myself doing something else like a porter in a hospital or a postman or something that is just a job and not a career.:)

---------- Post added at 09:56 ---------- Previous post was at 09:52 ----------


your welcome Stephen hope your feeling a little brighter pm me if you ever want to talk. I think I have talked your ear off. off to make pancakes have the urge chin up babe it will not always feel this bad :winks::whistles::D

Thank you so much for listening to me hannah it really means a lot to talk to someone who has experienced similar things. I hope you won't mind if I talk to you some more if i need to? Stephen:)

[han76]

Thank you so much for listening to me hannah it really means a lot to talk to someone who has experienced similar things. I hope you won't mind if I talk to you some more if i need to? Stephen:)[/QUOTE]

your welcome to chat to me whenever you like Stephen think I have been through most if your problems. problem shared Is a problem halved. get it off your chest to me other members anyone you like. pm me or email me.sometime telling your story clears the mind. I am no guru but happy to listen or offer support or advice.... which I will not be offended if you ignore :roflmao: I find it wonderful :bighug1: to know it's not only me repeatedly. so thank you for that we all need reminders some time :yesyes: I think you have just started to perk up a little bit so pleased you had me worried :bighug1: Hannah x x x :bighug1::bighug1:

so far as your studies I messed mine up totally. But I am going to do an open university course with all this time on my hands. I also dropped out of uni twice and have changed career more times than I can remember. Just a suggestion. I couldn't stick to a timetable of studies. Follow your dreams who wants s job that makes them miserable Han x x

[manwithnoname]

Thank you hannah for your many words of support - I really do mean that - thank you.

I have perked up a bit as you have noticed, it has really helped talking to you. I hope you your open university studies go well, I have considered doing an OU course myself but the cost has always put me off. At the moment I am not working, I am on sick leve and have been for the past 3 years, the anxiety and depression was overwhelmingly bad but I am just beginning to feel better now. I wasn't coping well with the work and there were a few personality clashes I just couldn't resolve. I don't think I will be going back to that job. I have had a series of electronics type jobs and I have been miserable in all of them so no is the time for change. I receive 75% of my salary through an insurance scheme my employer has and they have paid me for the past 3 years so I will continue my recovery and receive my 75% for as long as the insurance company will allow and only after they stop paying will I consider my next move. I am lucky I still have enough money coming in that I can afford to recover without the stresses and pressures of the workplace.

[han76]

:yesyes: ah babe I am so glad your perking up a bit. yes your very lucky to get 75% salary I am almost jealous:lac: I had a forced redundancy but it was a relief:roflmao: ou is free on benefits :yahoo: so I think I will take advantage. it's not all doom and gloom when the wages dry up. lost track of the jobs I have had. But the head time is useful when you don't have to work. for me it's about utilising that time. motivating yourself is tough with no daily routine. But if all you achieve is a calm mind and bury some skeletons it's time well spent. like you I am happy to give work the 2 finger salute. This is about me getting well. if I never have the big salary again so be it. I would rather be calm than a manager working 100hrs a week :wacko: you will get there. But there is lots of us in the world :hugs: so have a chat to me or others long before you get yourself so low Han x x :bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:bighug1::doh: x x

[manwithnoname]

Thank you hannah:yesyes: