View Full Version : 6 years after being raped
Hi
I suffer from anxiety, particularly social anxiety & claustrophobia which usually triggers panic attacks. I feel my claustrophobia may be linked to when I was raped as I was heavily intoxicated so unable to stand and was against a wall unable to move. I remember the first panic attack I had (I think) was after I was raped. I was sitting in bed and suddenly felt unable to move and felt I was in an enclosed space. This made me think about after I was raped how much it hurt and how I couldn’t move out of my bed. There seems to be a link. I have never really felt I understood the cause of my anxiety until now. Apart from my dad suffering from OCD…
I have been doing a lot of self-reflection recently. Around last November I began taking 20mg of Citalopram. It has helped me slightly. I think maybe I should up my does but I was reluctant to begin taking medication in the first place but now I have realized it has helped... I don't know. I also often experience depression. I blame myself for the world's problems and am always beating myself up over things and putting myself down.
I believe I was raped 6 years ago at the age of 15 by my first 'boyfriend' who was 22 years old I think at the time. He took my virginity and then broke up with me soon after. I don’t think he thinks it was rape. All his friends then hated me and bullied me after and during the break up. One of his friends physically attacked me also and threatened me numerous times.
For years I blamed myself for this. I thought I was just a stupid girl who put herself in that situation by being drunk and stupid and lying to her parents to hang around the wrong crowd. I don't know if that's true now. I feel like I didn't deserve to be treated this way. I think it makes sense to associate much of the problems I now have socially/mentally with what happened to me.
I have never spoken to anyone about what happened. I feel I should tell someone though. I am very close with my housemate and want to talk to him about it but I don’t know if I should or what the best way is. I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.
It feels like I have desensitized myself to this situation. It feels difficult to comprehend. Only now am I really coming to terms with it as it makes more sense and is clearer to me now. I also recently slept with someone which bought the negative attitudes towards sex I developed after I was raped back. After I was raped I thought that was how sex goes. I went to an all-girls catholic school so no one really talked about sex or sexual relationships. The two boys I slept with after the one who raped me I slept with because I thought they would lose interest in me if I didn’t – I didn’t actually want to have sex with them and it didn't feel right. I didn’t find it enjoyable but tried to convince myself it was the right thing to do (stupid I know!).
Since then I have learnt to enjoy sex again but I still have a lot of issues I feel I need to sort out. I find it extremely hard to trust anyone so I don't have many friends or any close friends which gets me down a lot. Whenever I feel someone is getting too close I usually push them away or engage in self-destructive behaviour. I also find it hard to trust myself. I constantly doubt myself. It is a constantly battle in my mind.
I would just like help making sense of all of this and someone to talk to.
J
Joanna, I think the person you need to talk to is your doctor and ask to be referred for intense psychotherapy. This is a horrific thing you have gone through and at such a young age and a therapist will be able to help with the issues you now have as a result of this traumatic event. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: x
Thank you so much for your reply. It really means a lot. I have never spoken to anyone about this. I have been carrying this unhappiness for 6 years and finally I feel like I am beginning to deal with it properly or at least begin to accept it.
I have known this deep down for a while now but I've just been avoiding it because it is too upsetting to deal with. And when does this all come to surface? 2 weeks before my dissertation is due!
But then I think I've gone 6 years without getting any professional help (apart from seeing a counselor at uni but I didn't mention this). I will try arrange an appointment to see a doctor though. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction to overcoming all the psychological problems I have.
Do you think this makes sense? That the psychological problems I have now stem mostly from this event?
The more I think about it the more upset and angry I get but I can't change the past..
I do think this makes sense. There are many of us on here, me included who had events in the past that are still affecting us now. I am 55 and I know others older than me who are just dealing with childhood trauma now. Don't leave it as long as us. See your GP soon and ask for the referral. Psychotherapy will help you to deal with the trauma you have endured. It is upsetting to deal with and I am not saying the psychotherapy will be easy, it can be very emotional but it is the way to move forward in my opinion. :hugs::hugs::hugs:
Joanna I am so sorry you have been through this but I am with Annie please see your doctor this is defiantly something you need to discuss with professionals. you have had a terrible experience that needs serious help and support. You have been so brave to open up for the first time good luck and big hugs Hannah x x
Hi Joanna,
Firstly, I'm so sorry that you went through this. This was not your fault. You are not to blame. If you were drunk you could not consent and this man was significantly older than you. He was 22 and you were 15 so there was a huge power imbalance in your relationship.
Anxiety, depression ad PTSD are all very common responses to rape. I would suggest that you self refer to a counsellor at your local rape crisis centre. They also offer support groups with other women who understand what you have experienced.
I would advise against discussing these issues with your house mate, who is male, as this could place you in a very vulnerable position emotionally. If he can't handle discussing this issue, you may feel hurt, rejected and your living arrangements could become very strained as a consequence which would add further pressure to the existing stress you are under. Also, you need very specialist advice, support & guidance from a trusted professional who knows how to help you. I doubt that your house mate has the specific knowledge or skills to help you with this issue.
You may be suffering attachment issues following the rape as you say that you slept with your recent partners to keep them and avoid losing them or being rejected. Counselling can help you to clarify your expectations and boundaries in future relationships as your first relationship was abusive and did not provide you with a positive foundation for future relationships.
The self doubt, self destructive behaviour and trust issues are completely understandable defence mechanisms adopted for self protection. You can learn new ways to protect yourself that are less harmful to you and future relationships within counselling.
You have come a long way and can make ongoing progress with the right support. :yesyes:
I wish you every success and happiness :hugs:
Cat x
Hi Jo-anna.. welcome to the forum.
Please do make an appointment to see a doctor, a female one if you can... you've carried these awful memories and feelings around on your own for far too long.
What you went through was nothing but despicable behaviour on the guy's part.. it's definitely time to start getting some professional help with unravelling it all, and putting it behind you so that you can move on with your life and your happiness.
Good luck, and well done - I think you're really brave for taking the step of posting your story here. x
hi and welcome,
you are very brave and been very strong and have been strong for all these years.
yes i do agree to go to your doctors which seems so hard at the time but you will look from it on the other side. i wish you all the best and you posting this has made me realise there are things i need to do too. :)
Thank you for all your kind words! And thank you so much for all your helpful advice! It is a relief to get affirmation of what happened to me and what I have been thinking/feeling now.
If I asked to be refereed to psychotherapy will they actually do so? Last time I went about my anxiety they just gave me medication and said there was a long waiting list for talk-based therapies :( But I guess this is a bigger issue so I will go see the doctor regardless. I have been coming out in rashes and I was sick last night which I believe is probably stress related..
Here's the local rape crisis center I found:
http://www.parcs.org.uk/
Shall I just send them an email? I hate talking to people on the phone! Yet another thing that makes me anxious..
I find it really scary to talk to someone about this but I know I must if I am going to get better. I want this to stop affecting my life, it has done for too long now! I just can't believe it's taken me so long to add everything up, but it kind of makes sense now. I think being on medication has helped this. I guess the trauma of the event makes you try to block it out your mind.
Thank you for reading my story and replying - It really does mean a lot as I've never been able to talk to anyone about this before.
And I'm glad this post may help anyone else!
Your doctor should refer you for assessment and then the Psychology team will decide the best therapy for you. Different areas have different waiting lists. An email to the crisis centre will be fine.
Joanna you must do this in whatever way feels comfortable to you. There are no right or wrong answers. I would think you would be priority. If you have a local rape crisis centre they may be a good starting point. The support you need is very specific. no more panic is a great support for day to day Aniexty and stress. But I don't think anyone apart from experienced and trained proffesionals with your trauma can help. I have abuse in my history. it's giving me the wobbles just reading your story. I think it may cut to close to home with anyone who can relate. I wish I could guide you with a clear head but I can only send you hugs and tell you the worst parts over. you have recognised this effects you and you need help. talking part of the healing. strangers on a forum on the phone it's safe and anonymous. but be in a room talk and get a real hug good luck honey x x x:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Contacted my local rape crisis center - the waiting list is 6 months to a year!!! :(
I won't be in Portsmouth by then... I guess the doctors is my only hope. I'm feeling pretty hopeless now. I feel like doing something stupid.
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I feel like calling a helpline but talking on the phone makes me so anxious especially about this! I won't know what to say and I'm worried I'll just break down :(
How soon will you be moving to another area? Could you contact that area? Try the doctor as he may be able to speed up an appointment. Let him know just how bad you are feeling x
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Don't worry about breaking down on a helpline they will be well used to that happening x
---------- Post added at 15:49 ---------- Previous post was at 15:48 ----------
You could try this one but the help line won't be open again until tonight http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php
Contacted my local rape crisis center - the waiting list is 6 months to a year!!! :(
I won't be in Portsmouth by then... I guess the doctors is my only hope. I'm feeling pretty hopeless now. I feel like doing something stupid.
---------- Post added at 15:45 ---------- Previous post was at 15:43 ----------
I feel like calling a helpline but talking on the phone makes me so anxious especially about this! I won't know what to say and I'm worried I'll just break down :(
Joanna you will not break down. you should be so so proud of yourself. do you know how strong you are to have got through 6 years without help !! that's amazing totally amazing. your under stress with your studies. your allowed to breakdown sob cry scream. I would personally advise waiting a few weeks. Till after your disitation is done. when you open this door and start to let it all out it doesn't stop. Your going to be emotional. There is no time pressure. whenever you feel ready. All referrals take time :weep: perhaps the best place to do this is at home not university. your probably going to need friends and family for support through the process. YOU WILL NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID ! Do not let him destroy your life. The Samaritans are there to listen 24/7 if you cannot talk to a friend or us. Stay strong be the brave amazing girl you are. I wish I could give you a hug :bighug1::bighug1::bighug1: Hannah x x :bighug1::bighug1:
Thanks again everyone!!
I AM FINE. Just a moment of weakness on my part. It's hard when you're alone! I'm in good company now.
I'll give the helpline a call next time I am feeling really down! I've contacted the counselling service at my Uni again to see if they can help me out. Will arrange an appointment with the doctor tomorrow.
I feel like I should be focusing on my studies though. They are really stressing me out and I'm worried I'm just distracting myself and making myself feel down.
I'll be moving back home around summer time. I really don't want to have to ever tell my parents! It would break their hearts.. :( I will try contacting the area back home so I can get on a waiting list! Thanks again for all your supportive advice! Really means a lot!!! :)
Right you back to your studies I am going to be your surrogate mum. nothing has to be done today what's a few weeks after 6 years:winks: now don't be worrying about telling anyone. The stress of studies has brought this out it's not an urgent thing to deal with. I think us worry warts on this forum knowing it's something that is serious have pushed it forward further in your mind. don't fret about your parents being upset telling them. They would be more upset if they thought you couldn't. But that's also nothing to worry about today. have a nice shower or bath something to eat your favorite and nose back in those books. Surrogate mum wants an honours student :hugs: we will Still be hear to support you when the time is right to sort this out hugs and kisses Han x x :bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
That is a good idea to get on the waiting list at home. The decision about telling your parents has to be your own. My daughter was sexually assaulted in the street 3 years ago. She didn't tell me because she knew I would worry, She told her brother and he thought I should know so he told me. I was able to help her to find support and offer support myself.
Like Han says, concentrate on your studies and we are always here if you need to chat or just off load onto someone. :hugs::hugs::hugs:
Hi Joanna,
The services in place to respond to rape are very under resourced but I would encourage you to persevere, use the telephone line and maybe self refer to your home and university city to cover all bases. You can always remove yourself from the other waiting list when you get your initial appointment at home or uni.
Rape crisis centres offer emergency appointments when they have a cancellation. It might be worth putting your name down for such short notice appointments if you self refer as it can often lead to getting your foot in the door a lot quicker.
Rape crisis also offer EMDR (where they have trained practitioners) a very specific therapy to desensitise and process the original trauma and all of the counsellors are female.
Here are a few book suggestions which may help you in the meantime:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Never-Called-Rape-Robin-Warshaw/dp/0060925728/ref=cm_lmf_tit_4
http://www.amazon.co.uk/After-Silence-Rape-Journey-Back/dp/1860496431/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
I wish you well :hugs:
Cat x
Aww you are all so sweet! Thank you so much for all your support!
I tried to get up in time to make an appointment with the doctors today, they only had a phone consultation. BUT I gave them a call on my way home from my supervisor appointment in hope fate was on my side. IT WAS! THEY HAD A CANCELLED APPOINTMENT AT 5! I'm so relieved. I hope I can get some help now!!
Now I just have to worry about my anxiety surrounding the doctors! I hate the stuffy waiting room - makes me feel like I am unable to breath and when I do I'm breathing in a million germs. I really hope it's not busy. I'm also anxious about talking to the doctor about what happened! :( It's a male doctor so I hope they understand... and aren't too intimidating to me.
I think I will go home next week as my parents want me to look after my brother/the house while they go on holiday. It'll hopefully give me some space and time on my own in the comfort of my family home to put myself back together and focus on work! My brother offered to organize a consultation with a mentor who has helped him as well so maybe I will try that too! :)
Last night I couldn't stop crying. I felt so guilty about lying to my parents and betraying their trust to hang out with this wrong crowd. It made me feel like I deserve not to have any trust if I've betrayed my parents trust - the people I love more than anything in this world. :( I know they will always love me unconditionally but I still feel so bad about it. I hope to make them proud and become very successful so I can give back everything they have given to me! Hopefully one day...
Thank you for the book recommendations as well! I really do appreciate all your kind words of encouragement and support! Makes me have faith in people again :) I can tell you are all very kind & loving people and wish you all the best!
you will be just fine Joanna sounds like your doing all the right things for you. I am very proud of how strong your being. I wish I had been that brave at your age. A spell at home sounds just the thing. stop being so hard on yourself babe no one is the best judge of character at 15. it's very easy to look back with hindsight but you really were not to know. Like you say your parents will always love you no matter what. These spiraling questions and worries are all part of aniexty its a cruel thing the mind sometimes you must try to hang on to absolute truths. your parents will always love you no mstter what. like you say fates on your side today and there is a doctor's appointment for you i doubt fate is giving that appointment ti expose you to germs if it helps get yourself a little bottle of hand sanitiser to keep in your pocket with some tissues for the tears. we are all behind you well done Han xxx
Joanna you have not betrayed anyone's trust. What happened to you was not your fault. You DO deserve to have trust. I went for years thinking I wasn't worthy of anything good because of things that happened to me. I am having intense psychotherapy now and realise that I do deserve good things to happen to me. What happened before was out of my control. Don't ever feel guilty about it you are worth a lot more :hugs:
Hi again Jo-anna... I just wanted to add something in relation to what you said a couple of posts back, regarding your parents and trust...
If I had told my parents everything I did, that I shouldn't have done, they would have gone beserk on a weekly basis. I'm not making light of this at all, I did some stupid things, some seriously worrying things, and some not so bad... but all of those my parents would not have approved of.
It's part of growing up, testing your boundaries, getting swayed by those around you at the time... most probably your parents will have crossed some lines themselves when they were younger.
Finding your feet in the world, breaking some rules - none of these have anything to do with affecting the deep trust and love parents & their kids have.. especially now you're on the other side of all that and are aware you made some mistakes.
I hope one day you can sit down with them and tell them everything, but if not, don't worry, and don't feel guilty!
hellan1980
20-02-13, 15:02
I really hope that your appointment goes well.
You've been through a terrible ordeal and i think you've done amazingly well so far.
I know what its like to have people doubt you and not believe a word you've said. Anxiety is a complete pain, but with the right help and support its managable. It can be a hard battle, frustrating and you sometimes will feel like giving up. But as long as you know that you have done your best, it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
You are a very brave and strong person, I get that from reading the posts on this thread. Its hard and easier to say this than do it, but have faith and belief in yourself. Do what is right for you not what you think other will think is right for you.
I wish you all the luck in the world and come join us in the chat room some time
manwithnoname
20-02-13, 15:30
best wishes for a full recovery
Joanna I feel a bit uncomfortable posting in this thread as a man, but just wanted to say you sound incredibly brave and very very well balanced given the awful experience you been through, and subsequently lived with.
It sounds to me like you are dealing very well with everything under the circumstances , but you need to find someone you can vent to when things start to overwhelm you – if this is a friend you can trust great, if not even talking to a stranger through some sort of counselling intermediary like the Samaritans or s referral from your doctor would, I am sure, help.
You must not NOT blame yourself for whatever you think you might have done to wrong your parents when you were a child, because that’s exactly what you were a child. We all do daft things and things we are not be proud of later in our lives when we are kids, but what happened to you was the result of an abusive and bullying adult assaulting you. The feelings of guilt are a natural reaction, but unjustified.
Best of luck for the future and I hope you can recover from this attack which was not your fault. I am sure if your parents did know ewhat happened they wouldn't blame you for a moment and their only reaction would be a desire to help and comfort you - I am not saying you should tell them that is 100% your decision, I am just saying I am certain they wouldn't for a minute under the circumstances blame you.
Hey things aren't going so well :(
The doctors wasn't really any help.. He just doubled my does of citalopram and told my to apply here: http://www.talkingchange.org.uk/
it's the only way to get counselling for free in portsmouth! and their waiting list is so long I think. Also they're self-referral form doesn't even work :( so that's great!
Had a crying fit today and more suicidal thoughts.
Trying to keep strong but it's hard when you have no one who really understands :(
I am surprised you have to apply yourself. Here the doctor refers you. You can chat on here anytime and we will support you. Try the form again tomorrow and if it doesn't work just call them. Sending you hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:
Hey things aren't going so well :(
The doctors wasn't really any help.. He just doubled my does of citalopram and told my to apply here: http://www.talkingchange.org.uk/
it's the only way to get counselling for free in portsmouth! and their waiting list is so long I think. Also they're self-referral form doesn't even work :( so that's great!
Had a crying fit today and more suicidal thoughts.
Trying to keep strong but it's hard when you have no one who really understands :(
I'm so sorry to hear this, Joanna, but sadly not at all surprised.
This is why I encouraged the rape crisis route. My doctors were not at all supportive in response to my rape and PTSD. They are just not trained to respond to these issues which can subject victims of rape to secondary abuse.
Please pursue your rape crisis self referral and remember that the response you received today was a result of the systems failings. You deserve support push to receive it. You shouldn't have to, but this is the unfortunate position we find ourselves in. Hurt piled on hurt.
You have made it this far and have huge resources to overcome both your trauma and a system that fails us.
I understand you and have every faith in your ability to succeed and thrive!
You are stronger than you believe. Never forget this.
Cat :hugs: xxx
Hello,Joanna. I have been reading the posts here and just wanted to say that you aren't weak in any way at all. You are a very brave person who is having to deal with a traumatic event that was not your fault. The aftermath of something like that is so difficult to deal with. You have nothing to feel bad about at all and I feel it is the least that you deserve to get some help with how you are feeling. Any time someone does something to you that is against your will is a terrible act. For someone to force themselves on you and rape you is unforgivable. It makes me feel angry that he did this to you but also I feel sad that he has left his mark in your life.
For sure when you are able to arrange some professional help, you will begin to rebuild your life and start the process of healing. Meanwhile, as you have found already from the wonderful posts here, there is an army of supportive people here who will have your best interests at heart and will be more than happy to help you in any way they can.
Thank you so much everyone again for your kind words!! They give me so much strength :) I ordered one of the books recommended in the mean time while I wait to see a professional. I look forward to reading it, thanks so much again! Sending you all my love <3
<3 & :bighug1: right back!!! x
love to you too honey ♥♥♥ xxx :bighug1:
Had a support meeting with my manager today - She says to talk to my supervisor about what's been bothering me as it has affected my dissertation. I'm nervous about telling her I was raped!? I'm scared it might affect my dissertation somehow as she's the one marking it. Also my manager said to mention this: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=130617 also. But I am worried about that too, I don't get the feeling she would be for contacting child services etc... So I dunno what to say.
And the book is really helpful btw! Thank you! :)
Hi Joanna,
Only discuss this issue if you feel ready to and you feel it would be helpful. If you are not ready yet, just say you are working through some personal issues that you may want to discuss at a later date.
I'm glad you are finding the book helpful - which one did you go for?
Cat :hugs:
"I never called it rape" by Robin Warshaw :)
I think it's worth talking to her about it so she understands what I'm going through :\ Talking about it more is making me really accept what happened and giving me encouragement to stop letting it consume myself and my life! Also showing people I can overcome difficult times makes me feel proud of myself :)
I don't have much support at the moment. My manager was very supportive today and my housemate has been supporting me too. I'm not really in contact with many people at the moment to help me so I think talking to whoever is currently supporting me does help.
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I'm also really anxious about having sex again after this whole episode! :(
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Also I am thinking of deleting this post as I don't want internet perverts getting off on my suffering and I'm concerned it might be triggering for some people :(
I've joined a rape survivors forum so will delete this if people think it's a good idea? :)
its a difficult one joanna about deleting it. i used to think that when i posted i was just getting help for myself. but then i realised my posts helped others when they read them. but this is a very sensitive subject and deeply personal to you. if it feels uncomfortable that some unsavoury people might read your posts then i'd understand the need to delete it. sounds like a really good idea the other forum you have found; just like here no doubt you will get excellent support and make friends with many people. Hang in there brave lady.
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