View Full Version : "The NMP Chit Chat Thread"
Well Nic has given the approval to set this thread up and it will remain as one ongoing thread.
Talk about anything that takes your fancy, daily news, interests or whatever.
The Chat Room has proved in many cases to distract oneself from on going mental health problems and is so uplifting, so this is meant to be specifically for those who want to discuss,rave or rant about anything,non medical.
Despite all adversity,having a good sense of humour is a fantastic form of medication, so over to you my friends to get the ball rolling.:)
Granny Primark
19-02-13, 09:25
Good one ric.
I want to have a rant about the woman whose got 11 children and she is having a house specially built for her and her children and she wont have to pay a penny!
Ridiculous!!!!
There is no need at all these days to have so many children. Doesnt the woman know the meaning of contraception? Obviously not.
You only have what you can afford.
And whose paying for this house? The tax payers of this country.
I think this is going to be a very successful thread! :)
Lynn, that kind of thing gets to me too, especially when there are genuine sufferers and needy people who get turned down at every application..
It really bugs me that I've got more money than sense.
It really bugs me that I've got more money than sense.
I was going to say I'm the other way round.... but on second thoughts.... :unsure:
Granny Primark
19-02-13, 16:55
Got no idea Helen.
But when my son was born in 1975 you didnt get family allowance for the first child.
(showing me age now lol)
Shes 36 and had her first child at 14.
The shameless bitch said. Quote. "if I dont like it or its to small theyl have to build me a bigger one wont they"
It will have 5 bedrooms, 3bathrooms 2 lounges a huge kitchen and a huge dining room.
Words fail me.
Lynn
whichever way you look at it, it's the system in the UK and these kind of people have perfected it.
Baggs, care to elaborate :ohmy:
£20.30 for the first child and £13.40 for each child after. I think it is ridiculous. I know a family with 7 kids, the father works and pays for their home, it only has 3 bedrooms but at least they are paying themselves. If you want that many children then you should be able to provide for them yourself. Why should I be working when I am not well to pay for my home and someone else's home from my tax just because they chose to have so many kids! Sorry you have got me going now! :D
Granny Primark
19-02-13, 19:07
Lol annie.
---------- Post added at 19:07 ---------- Previous post was at 18:14 ----------
something funny that my 5 year old grandaughter said last week.
Me and me daughter picked her up from school.
She said you know lewis? well he had his name put on the sunshine (thats when theyve done something good)
He had his name put on the thinking cloud. (thats when theyve done something a bit naughty)
He had his name put on the black cloud. (thats when they have done some a lot naughty)
And then she said " And I thought any minute now hel end up out the door!):roflmao:
:roflmao: That's funny Lynn
Well it's just cost me £75 to have a wisdom tooth removed :ohmy: but it was worth every penny to get rid of the pain I have been in :yesyes:
Well it's just cost me £75 to have a wisdom tooth removed :ohmy: but it was worth every penny to get rid of the pain I have been in :yesyes:
Well that's another thing...if they can't remove it at the dentist you get it removed free in hospital so I almost hope they have to refer me to hospital to save my money :D
get a cat to help you relax and a for a bit of company :yesyes:
he wants to play when I want to chill:shrug:
he sleeps 16 hours a day but when I want a lie in he bites my head wanting breakfast:mad:
he gets bored of toys so my play money goes on new toys:lac:
when my friends come over they want to play with him because he is so cute u don't get a look in :whistles:
now everyone is telling me to get him a friend wasn't that the cats purpose :wacko:
and they say I am mentally ill ! :roflmao:
My rant is that we have lost the tv remote control. I have looked everywhere (cupboards, fridge, log basket) and it is driving me bananas as i hate losing things. i have a horrible feeling that I put it somewhere safe on the way out of the door when leaving to pick the kids up at school. However, i would prefer to believe that it was one of my kids ( one has a bad habit of hiding it from the other 2 but he usually owns up)or the other 5 who were here at one point in the day.
I do not ask for much, only to be able to pause my programmes when i need to put more washing in the machine or make my coffee or watch something I have recorded. on the bright side, am sure the woman with 11 kids has this problem on a regular basis!
I put my bedroom TV remote in the washing machine with the sheets :(
Did it survive? I have looked in washing basket but not in the machine!
I dried it out with the hairdryer and it survived! Down the cushions on the settee is another place mine disappears to.
yup, been there Annie! Checked my handbags too:)
Retrace your steps out to the door. I hope you find it soon :)
Me too, but I can now do group hugs on here!
Pleased you got the hugs sorted :sofa: Did you look behind the sofa?
That's good pic. Will go and check now. Got distracted by a ringing sound which turned out to be my new phone!
Hi
I upset a friend in work today, some of it was her fault some of it mine, but now she is mad at me and I have to work with her tomorrow and I don't know what she will be like!! Not sure if that's a rant but it's made me feel a bit better.:)
Anna I worry if I think I have upset people too. Maybe she will have forgotten about it by tomorrow and if not just apologise for your part in it and hope she will do the same :)
My rant is that we have lost the tv remote control. I have looked everywhere (cupboards, fridge, log basket) and it is driving me bananas as i hate losing things. i have a horrible feeling that I put it somewhere safe on the way out of the door when leaving to pick the kids up at school. However, i would prefer to believe that it was one of my kids ( one has a bad habit of hiding it from the other 2 but he usually owns up)or the other 5 who were here at one point in the day.
I do not ask for much, only to be able to pause my programmes when i need to put more washing in the machine or make my coffee or watch something I have recorded. on the bright side, am sure the woman with 11 kids has this problem on a regular basis!
I had a mini scare on a similar thing earlier... brought an armful of washing down, put it in the machine, switched it on... then realised I didn't know where my mobile phone was. All I could think in blind panic was that it was in the machine, getting drowned.....
Of course, it was sat on my pc desk where I'd left it before I went upstairs.
:blush:
That's good pic. Will go and check now. Got distracted by a ringing sound which turned out to be my new phone!
It's a pity the remote doesn't have a ringer on too!
Hi
I upset a friend in work today, some of it was her fault some of it mine, but now she is mad at me and I have to work with her tomorrow and I don't know what she will be like!! Not sure if that's a rant but it's made me feel a bit better.:)
Take some cakes into work tomorrow :)
no remote, but 3 apple cores:eek:
behind the sofa!
---------- Post added at 20:45 ---------- Previous post was at 20:37 ----------
Daisy sue, glad you found your phone!
Anna - Cakes into work is a good idea! An apology for you part good too. I always try to keep myself right otherwise I just end up feeling guilty. Does feel better to have a bit of a rant about these things too.
Off to check coat pockets......
Just a thought Sunshine...Do you have a shoe cupboard? If you are like me you may have put the remote in when you took your shoes out :D
yvonne_uk_98
19-02-13, 21:01
Fed up with my teenagers, they take the cordless phones and dont put them back, when the phone rings, it search time for the phones. its a nightmare when you can not find them. would be good if they put one phone back on the charger. rant over....
I had a mini scare on a similar thing earlier... brought an armful of washing down, put it in the machine, switched it on... then realised I didn't know where my mobile phone was. All I could think in blind panic was that it was in the machine, getting drowned.....
Of course, it was sat on my pc desk where I'd left it before I went upstairs.
:blush:
My friend put their iPhone thro the full cycle on the washing machine, amazingly it still worked. My brother dropped his in the sea and it still worked, well for a while.
I don't have that luck. I Dropped my tv remote in a bowl of water in which I was soaking my feet. The remote was never the same again :lisa::lisa:
found it! it was in the safe place (top of unit behind photo) but I had checked there about 6 times:blush:
Looked for Yvonne's phone but not there !
Thanks Annie, Daisy Sue and Sunshine for the good advice, Sunshine I'm glad you found your remote.
I might post on here again tomorrow!:)
Hi
I upset a friend in work today, some of it was her fault some of it mine, but now she is mad at me and I have to work with her tomorrow and I don't know what she will be like!! Not sure if that's a rant but it's made me feel a bit better.:)
You have such a lovely smile! Flash her a smile and share in a cuppa and all will be forgotten! :yesyes:
yvonne_uk_98
19-02-13, 23:03
Thanks Sunshine1 for helping to look for my phones. very much appreciated, thanks.
we found the phones, one was in the kitchen, and one was in one of my teenagers bedrooms. thank goodness for that. wont last long, they soon be gone again.
have you ever done that were your talking on your mobile phone, and next think you say is need to come off the phone, i've lost my mobile, and when you hang up, that is when you notice you were on the mobile phone.
I have spent ages looking for my phone while talking on it :doh:
I have spent ages looking for my phone while talking on it :doh:
:roflmao: I spend ages looking for my glasses and they are on top of my head lol :doh:
Granny Primark
20-02-13, 03:37
Paddy runs into the pub and says "Murphy someones stolen your car!"
Murphy says " did you see who stole it?"
Paddy says "No but I got the registration number"
The police stopped me in my car the other day.The policeman said "Im going book you for jumping the traffic lights"
I said "dont be so silly Ive never been able jump 12 ft"
little wren
20-02-13, 07:19
IVF raised to include those up to 42 years old :) I think this is a step in the right direction - many women have babies naturally in their 40s and there are all kinds of reasons women do not have children earlier (not just putting a career first as is always thrown at older mums:mad:). Wonderful news :)
Well that wasn't a bad response to our first day in The Chit Chat Room though it would be nice to see a few of the men have a rant as well. :)
Did you know that Polish is the second most spoken language in England.
Granny Primark
20-02-13, 08:55
I want to have a rant about our council.
Theyre building a new bus station in our city centre.
It should have been opened in October, Then December, then February now its the first of April
The bus station is a lot smaller than the other one, so more difficult for the bus drivers (one of which is my hubby) to park. But whats annoying me more than anything they are having a spa shop in there that will be selling drink from 6am!!!!
Bus drivers get enough abuse off some passengers when they arent drunk!
Some of the elderly people (Im a granny but im not old:winks::shades:) have said they will be frightened of using the new bus station.
And to add insult to injury they are turning the old bus station into a new shopping centre even though a lot of the shops in our potteries shopping centre are closing because people are shopping on line.
A complete waste of of money in my opinion. Im just waiting to see how much our council taxes are going go up next year.
Sorry for the whinge.
I want to rant because my school is increasing tuition by 850 dollars a year!!! I already need student loans to afford it, ugh! I hope my master's degree helps me get a job to pay all this off or it wasn't worth it and I'll be in deep.
yvonne_uk_98
20-02-13, 15:51
Paddy runs into the pub and says "Murphy someones stolen your car!"
Murphy says " did you see who stole it?"
Paddy says "No but I got the registration number"
The police stopped me in my car the other day.The policeman said "Im going book you for jumping the traffic lights"
I said "dont be so silly Ive never been able jump 12 ft"
Granny Primark,
:roflmao:liked the second one, way too funny....
swgrl09,
University fees are a bone of contention in the UK and although we are the United Kingdom, fees and loans vary in England, Wales and Scotland.
When my daughter was at Uni in Wales she was studying Business Management with a foreign language which in her case was Spanish.This required a year in Madrid and the bursary given was £1800.00 for 9 months which meant she had £50.00 a week for accommodation,food and general living expenses.
The way fees have risen many students will leave Uni and be paying off their debt for most of their working life.
Yes, it is similar here. We go to school so we can get a better job, but end up in debt doing it. I wonder sometimes if it is worth it, but I love what I am studying.
It's really frustrating!!!
My 3 have all been to uni and it is a real worry to me how they will ever pay off their students loans :( and then to get on the property ladder seems impossible!
Granny Primark
20-02-13, 17:54
I seriously dont want to offend anyone but some of the courses our children are advised to to do at uni are crazy. My friends daughter did a 4 year degree in zoology and got student loans of 17 grand. Yet where are the jobs in this countryto enable students to be able to pay back their loans?
My daughter did 18 months at manchester uni so she could be a primary school teacher and specialise in music.
She realised that she she might not be able to get a job Then she went on a 3 year cours in nursing and has almost completed her course. Luckily she hasnt had to have any student loans but there is no guarantee of a job for her at the end of the course.
I just wish the govenment would realise that degrees arent everything. Every child seems to be going uni when theyve finished school.
Bring back the old apprentiships so our children know what they are going into.
Let them have a taste of the job they think theyd like to get into.
Uni degrees mean nothing these days.
Lets give our kids some experience of work instead of putting them in a classroom with a pen and a paper.
Lynn
How right you are about bringing back apprentiship schemes but many kids today think short term and aren't prepared to do a 3,4 or 5 year course, then be qualified and have a decent job many would rather have cash in hand and work as a brickie.
The worst thing which should be abolished is internships where they either don't get paid at all or get the minimum wage and made to work all hours with no guarantee of a job afterwards.
I feel for all parents that have kids that are in that position, and of course the kids themselves.
Lynn my oldest son did 4 years at uni and couldn't get a job as he 'didn't have experience' he is now on a 3 year apprentiship course to get him the experience.
Are you following me Annie :shades: this isn't twitter :)
AuntieMoosie
20-02-13, 18:46
I do agree with what's been said about uni and the costs involved.
One thing that I find very sad is that it all seems to be focussed on those who are intellectual, an awful lot of kids aren't and I fear they're not being given the education and guidance that they also need.
Whatever happened to learning a trade?? Brick laying, plumbing, electrician, roof tiling and a whole lot more, seem to have fallen by the wayside, and I think it's sad.
Every single child, no matter what, has the ability to do something and contribute to society, they may not be academic, but they can learn skills and can still live a very successful life :D
Are you following me Annie :shades: this isn't twitter :)
Not sure what you are referring to :shrug: :)
I agree about the internships, Ricardo. I am in a required unpaid internship right now as part of my schooling ... it counts as a course but it takes up a lot of time that could be spent working and I don't get paid for it. I know a lot of people my age had to take unpaid internships in order to get experience.
I believe in some states in the US laws have been brought up banning unpaid internships, but I don't know if they ever passed those laws. I don't think so.
Trade schools are a good idea. They have high schools here that are "technical schools" and teach trades, or two year colleges that will. Sometimes I wonder if I was better off going that route. I am training ot be a marriage and family therapist and hoping that it is specific enough to get a job after.
:roflmao: I spend ages looking for my glasses and they are on top of my head lol :doh:
I've done that when I. Am wearing them and looking right through them.
Also when wearing contact lenses I have gone to push my glasses up my nose.
I just found remote for TV....yeh,it was in the freezer.:wacko:
I just found remote for TV....yeh,it was in the freezer.:wacko:
Pleased you found it and hope it will work when you thaw it out :)
I could not find my credit or debit cards, was getting very uptight.
They were in the cutlrey drawer. God knows how they got there.
It was me!!:doh:
Granny Primark
21-02-13, 07:07
These few posts have made me smile.:D
Ive lost me hubby so many times but unfortunately hes managed to find me.:mad::weep:
Hes always been a devil for saying hed wait outside the shop for me and then when Ive got out hes disappeared. Hed just go wandering off.
We were on holiday one time in Italy and I lost him for almost an hour!!!!!
Then you wonder why I started with panic attacks 5 years ago?
I went to collect my son from Junior School one day, left the dog fastened outside the school gates. We got back home and realised that the dog was still outside school, I ran all the way back to get her, she looked very sad.:doh:
I often look for my glasses and after searching for them find that I have been wearing them all along.
A couple of weeks ago, I put the dog biscuits in the bin instead of the dog dish.:blush:
Granny Primark
21-02-13, 08:30
Il go upstairs for something and then when I get to the top of the stairs cant remember what I went up for.
Its a good job I was wearing tena lady when I read about you finding your remote in the freezer blue moon.:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
---------- Post added at 08:30 ---------- Previous post was at 08:29 ----------
OMG I think this thread is hilarious.
Thank you
My son had a hospital appointment once. The hospital was 20 miles away, I got there thinking "I am sure I have forgotten something" I had only forgotten to pick my son up from school!! I went back and he was sitting in the entrance wondering why I was so late!
Gosh Annie,that's serious driving 20 miles each way not realising your son wasn't in the car.
Did you see a doctor about possibly having slight amnesia :ohmy:
Gosh Annie,that's serious driving 20 miles each way not realising your son wasn't in the car.
Did you see a doctor about possibly having slight amnesia :ohmy:
It was many years ago Ricardo and I was going through a lot at the time :(
You know, on a forum where so many people are concerned that they have the symptoms of every illness known to a medical encyclopedia, I'm not sure we need to put ideas for other fears in people's minds. I realise it's all too easy to say "Gosh, my friend's son's hamster had that happen once, and he was diagnosed with so-and-so" - we all do it - but let's try to keep this thread to the idle chit-chat it was intended for, rather than causing people worry :)
Granny Primark
21-02-13, 12:54
Change of subject. How many of us know our neighbours?
I live in a cul de sac of 18 houses I only actually know 8 of them.
When we came to live here over 30 years ago if we had sunshine wed go and sit outside and have a natter and a cuppa.
And on a Sunday if the weather was nice the dads would take it in turn taking the children down to the park.
My son had a snooker table and for 5p each hed organise a tournament and whoever won got the money.
Most of my neighbours (except a few who have moved in more recently) have known me since I was a tiny baby! The house we own used to belong to my grandparents, my parents live just up the street, and the area is a quiet suburb so people don't move in/out all that often. Certainly my left hand neighbour, and the 3 houses diagonally and straight over the road from me have known me since I was born, and I know the names/to say hello to most other people in the street :)
I couldn't wish for better neighbours. They are so helpful and supporting. When I had my cast on they would call in to check on me when Allan was away, make meals and cups of tea for me. One of them cuts the grass if we are on holiday. Cleared the drive of snow. I have to say they are all amazing and even if I won the lottery I don't think I would move unless I could take my neighbours with me :)
Elle -Kay as I set up this thread I will answer you as I know your comments were aimed directly at me in defence of Annie.
I said in the opening post that having a good sense of humour is a fantastic medication and my comments to Annie were not meant to offend in any way,(note the smiley).
Annie can speak for herself haven written over 5500 comments on NMP in 6 months and the whole idea of this thread was partlly as a distraction to get people away from their illnesses,and being therapautic at the same time, it definitely wasn't meant purely for idle chit chat.
It was sancioned by Nic so I hope that clears things up.
Annie if there was any offence taken I assure you it was not intended.
Ricardo I will admit that your comment did upset me as did the previous one as I wasn't sure what you meant by it? I agree that a good sense of humour is good medication but sometimes it is not easy to understand the meaning behind it when you are not speaking directly to the person. Yes I can speak for myself but Elle-Kay knows I was upset and that is why she supported me I am sure as I would do the same for her.
I don't want anyone to end up with any bad feelings over this so lets just forget it now and move on with the thread :) Back to our neighbours :)
I don't know if this will cause any harm to anyone what i am about to say:-
The post has just arrived at our house, could not wait to open it as i new it was
from the pension service and you never guess ---I have had 71pence rise WOW
that will proberbly make me a lot richer:unsure:
Magic that is less than a large letter stamp that they probably used to send the letter to you. Now don't go retail therapy mad with all that extra money :) I won £2.60 on Euro millions this week so we are both a lot richer :D
I won $5.00 on a scratch off ticket!!! We're all rolling in the dough now. Guess I shouldn't have complained about my student loan debt :roflmao:
AuntieMoosie
21-02-13, 14:50
Hello Granny :)
I love your question :)
I am very fortunate that my next door neighbour is a diamond :) He's only in his early 30s but he is so helpful both to me and my partner :) We both do the garden together which is much fun, and he's always there for if we need any assistance. The most positive thing about him is that he's got a fantastic sense of humour which matches mine perfectly so we do have lots of laughs :D
As an aside, and I don't wish to cause any harm or hurt here :) and I'm also not going to be responding about this any more either, but I would like to voice my opinion seeing as others have freely voiced there's :)
I know, for a fact, that Ricardo has not meant any offence in any of his posts on this thread. He has a wicked sense of humour, which is why I'm so fond of him :) All he was doing was trying to lighten the mood. He also, so far as I can see, has never said anything on this thread that would cause anybody any worry or alarm, he is one of the most caring and sensitive people that I've met so please don't misunderstand him and please don't be making innocent comments into a drama, there is no need for it. Annie in the same way that you say you've been upset, also so has Ricardo, and just like you've had Elle to back you up, I'm here to back Ricardo up because I know he wouldn't say or do anything to hurt anyone. This is all I'm saying on this subject so I will not be replying to anyone who comments on what I've said. Please just let this drop now that we've all said our bit, Ricardo wanted to start this thread as a topical conversation thread, it's just not fair at all to try turning it into some sort of drama thread......................END!
Neighbor topic is interesting ... I am in an apartment complex so I have lots of neighbors, but none I am close with. The maintenance person for the building lives above us and that is very helpful, but some of the other people are very nosy and that bothers me sometimes. They are frequently watching where we go, when, etc and commenting. It's a little odd. The man who lives below us blasts music very loud all night and also I suspect is smoking marijuana, as I can smell it sometimes. It travels through the vents. We are going to move when our lease is up!
AuntieMoosie
21-02-13, 15:26
swgrl09 congratulations on your win :D....I do the lottery every week and the most I have even won was £78.........have it in a high interest bank account.......the millions will soon be rolling in :roflmao:
I don't blame you for wanting to move with that person living there, I hate the smell of that stuff too :mad:.....try blowing it back through the vents with a high powered fan :roflmao:
Wow, Magic and SWgrl, what WILL you spend your windfalls on? lol What Annie said about the price of a stamp reminded me actually: I received a cheque the other day for the rebate due on my electricity bill. It was for 94p! It undoubtedly cost the company more to raise the cheque and post it for me than its face value, and it bemused me that they didn't just refund it against my direct debit, but at least it brought a laugh with it :D
In the seventies our company supplied C & A and they once underpaid us by 1 pence and I thought nothing of it. A week later a cheque arrived for this huge outstanding amount and I decided to frame the cheque and hang it on the office wall.
3 weeks later they sent us a long letter insisting that the cheque had to be banked to (wait for it ) balance their books.
God's honour,it's true.
Granny Primark
21-02-13, 17:50
Brill magic.
Bet you cant wait to spend it.:yesyes::roflmao:
Heres a few suggestions.
4 eggs.
1 and a 1/2 toilet rolls
3/4 of a bottle of fruit juice
A very short ride on a first bus
Your gas fire on for a 1/4 of an hour
2 packets of crisps
Going the loo 3 times in the public toilets in rhyl north wales.
A packet of dolly mixtures from b & m.
A bottle of bleach from asda.
I do hope your not moaning Magic, you should be counting your blessings.:winks::winks::winks::winks::winks:
Just think carefully what you are going spend your windfall on.:yesyes::winks:
AuntieMoosie
21-02-13, 18:14
Ricardo.........a penny......balance the books :roflmao:......maybe they thought Mr Tax Man was going to go chasing after them for misrepresenting a penny :roflmao:
Granny :roflmao:.......at your shopping list :roflmao:
Lynn
with all due respects I think you got your sums wrong. I make it that there is at least 15p left over. You really must do better :):)
Granny Primark
21-02-13, 19:27
very funny ricardo.
But pse dont take this the wrong way.:winks:
You may be handsome and live in marbelle:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
but you dont know everything. LOL:yesyes:
---------- Post added at 19:06 ---------- Previous post was at 19:02 ----------
Omg it shows im getting old now cus me eye sights going.:roflmao:
sorry. Its just so good to laugh again.
Thanks
---------- Post added at 19:27 ---------- Previous post was at 19:06 ----------
Well ricardo with due respect:winks: that was so she could buy you a lollypop to keep your gob shut!!!!!!!:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Sorry.
Thanks ricardo for setting this thread up.:yesyes:
ricardo, that is so funny!!! hahaha! can't make these things up, can you? :roflmao:
AuntieMoosie
21-02-13, 21:25
Ricardo and Granny :roflmao: :roflmao:
Granny don't you be taking any stick from him..........keep him in his place :winks:
Ricardo.......remember we know where your live............we're coming over.....me and Granny.......:ohmy: :roflmao: :winks:
If you,and Granny,s going,--- I'm following Auntie:hugs:
Thanks for shopping list Granny i will do my best.
I know!!! My Passport needs renewing I'll save up:)
I went to bingo yesterday with a group of women,(very funny),I won a chook,it look the size of a squab it was great...I then won $10 voucher to play poker machine,lost it all,walk outside to find car with flat tyre had to wait for RACQ to bring tyre as the spare was flat also......grrrr,
Petra :)
---------- Post added at 08:53 ---------- Previous post was at 08:51 ----------
Helen when you get passport renewed,maybe you come visit in Aus.:yesyes:
Oh Petra,
I know I should'nt have, but I had to laugh about your post, So sorry, things like that often happen to me.It's just life.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWish.xxxx
Take care:hugs::hugs::hugs:
with all this luck around I may just splash out on the lottery tomorrow night! Magic you could try too - might be on a roll!
Granny Primark
22-02-13, 06:45
Magic please buy a lottery ticket. And when you win just remember that kind,:winks:sad looking woman :weep: you met on the coach going to Liverpool.
Does anyone else do weird things in their sleep?! This morning when I woke up I discovered that at some point in the night I had thought it very important to get a pair of socks and put them under my pillow.... :huh:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20340562
Very interesting article following on from Elle-Kay's comment.
Sending text messages and sexsomnia are two of the most common things people do in their sleep. if I had a choice I know which one I would chose lol :winks::winks:
Does anyone else do weird things in their sleep?! This morning when I woke up I discovered that at some point in the night I had thought it very important to get a pair of socks and put them under my pillow.... :huh:
:roflmao: oh that made me lol for real!
I don't do things like that but I have the weirdest dreams.. last night's was me sitting on a loo somewhere and a young girl walked through the wall into the bathroom. I think a psychiatrist would have a lifetime's work trying to unravel my brain... :D
One time I went to bed with my hair down and when I woke up I had put it in a braid. No clue when that happened, but it looked good, I was impressed with myself!! lol
My fiance says I talk in my sleep and say weird things. I guess I woke up and just said "Monkey" and went back to bed. I don't know, I have some sleep problems! lol
Granny Primark
22-02-13, 13:40
Cheeky ricardo:blush:
I once dreamnt Id eaten a huge marshmallow.
I woke up and me pillow had gone!:ohmy:
No seriously now.
We have the cat and dog sleeping on our bed every night.
Our dog snores in his sleep, our cat purrs in her sleep, I talk in me sleep and me hubby trumps in his sleep!!!!!!
Then I wonder why none of friends will sleep overnight.:shrug:
Hi everyone,
My husband talks in his sleep, he asks me things and I answer him,so funny.
The other day we were sitting inn separate rooms, he was asleep in the chair,(afternoon nap) and he shouts out " what do you want? a biscuit? He knows I don't eat them. He swears he never said anything, :doh:
Not spent my money yet,Granny I already have the jelly babies, Oh no--
I forgot-- I ate them all last night:unsure:
yvonne_uk_98
22-02-13, 18:18
I ordered a new moible phone, it arrived today, on the back of the phone suppose to be able to slide the cover, my I couldnt even open it. gave it to my son to open it, he too could open it.
had to carefully take a knife to it, and finally it opened. when I looked at how on earth it didnt slide open, its not got anything in anyway for the back cover to slide off. you got to open it with a knife. :lac:
AuntieMoosie
23-02-13, 01:00
:roflmao: at all the funnies!
I've done a few funny things in my sleep! rolling out of bed and landing smack, bang on the floor is one of them :ohmy:......I was dazed and trying to work out how the hell I got there............one of my cats was just sitting staring at me with amazement :roflmao:
In my sleep, I have also managed to walk to my fridge, get the sausage rolls and consume a couple.........large sausage rolls these are:wacko: I didn't know anything about it till I woke up covered in flaky pastry :ohmy: I then had to try and trace what I'd eaten, thank goodness it was edible :roflmao:
I do sometimes have a little chat in my sleep too.......OH told me the other morning he was just getting up and I started to real off a complete shopping list with him!!........he went off to the bathroom, came back and I asked him "have you got it all???"...........he replied saying "yep! I got the lot" then I just carried on sleeping :roflmao:
perhaps the woman with lots of children is a catholic?
Granny Primark
23-02-13, 03:53
Well even if she is a catholic she shouldnt be having children with 3 different men and expecting to let the tax payers of this country pay to keep her and her children.
---------- Post added at 03:53 ---------- Previous post was at 03:15 ----------
LOL Magic..
My mum was a tinker for continually changing the furniture round.
Shed do it all the the time especially in their bedroom.
I lost count of the times my dad thought he was in bed yet he was on the floor!
My hubby has always been the same. Hel say ive moved round the furniture so it makes the room look bigger.
AuntieMoosie
23-02-13, 04:36
Well said Granny :) I couldn't agree more. It makes absolutely no difference what ever religion you may or may not be, you still should not be having children that you cannot afford to maintain financially yourself :) :hugs:
little wren
23-02-13, 06:56
I think her children boost her self esteem - are her pride and joy in this sometimes difficult world - if anything helps do it - it works for her. I feel only the very rich and the very poor can afford to have as many children as they want. I wonder if she will have the right to buy it at a hugely discounted rate? lol.
Granny Primark
23-02-13, 09:37
I just think children to her mean a way of upping her lifestyle without having to go to work.
---------- Post added at 09:37 ---------- Previous post was at 09:18 ----------
:blush:One topic on my mind today. (no it isnt sex:roflmao::winks:)
HORSE MEAT!
How many of us have stopped buying and eating burgers and processed food?
Even Birdseye have been found to have horsemeat in their frozen food.
I use the butcher now for all our meat.
No way will I eat sausage or kebab meat.
My hubby has this theory that these days we hear of so many people having cancer and maybe its got something to do with all the processed and fast food we eat.
We honestly havent go a clue whats in our food.
Just think of all the colourings and preservatives that go in our food.
Sorry I dont mean to worry anyone but the mind boggles at what we are actually eating.
Has anyone here done any stencilling onto painted walls. We painted my computer room a week ago and today are about to stencil large 5 pointed stars onto it. We are making our own stencil out of Mylar sheets. Any advice about the actual painting part would be apreciated. :)
I worked for a lady who had a person do some stencilling, she did it with spray paint.
I suppose ordinary paint would be ok .
Low tack sticky tape to stick the stencil to the wall. Stiff brush round bristles if possible. Small amount of paint at a time as not to leak under stencil and dab the paint on . Is that of any use Rain?
Thanks for the advice, Magic. Two and a half hours later we have done 17 stars and are calling it a day for today. There are lots more to do tomorrow! It went very well, no paint where it shouldn't be. We used masking tape to stick the stencil to the wall each time (one piece in each corner) and used a very small roller to put the paint on. It looks wonderful - just like someone threw a handful of stars into the air and they all stuck to the walls. :yesyes:
Thats brill Rain, sounds really good. Might have a go one day.
I love that sort of thing:)
What do you think so far?
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8373/8500940880_7686e963da.jpg
nomorepanic
23-02-13, 16:02
It looks lovely Rain - love the floor as well
Really nice blue colour as well
Granny Primark
23-02-13, 16:06
WELL DONE YOU RAIN !
Im going have a go meself now in my grandaughters bedroom with butterflys.
WOW Rain, What a lovely room.:) .
AuntieMoosie
23-02-13, 16:38
Oh Rain that looks beautiful :D What a gorgeous room that's going to be :hugs:
Thanks guys. I can't wait to sit in it when it's finished.
Wow, that's beautiful! I wish I had that talent
Well done Rain, where is the guitar going ? :hugs:
AuntieMoosie
23-02-13, 17:17
Hellooooooooo Ricardo :D
What ya been up too then???.......and don't be cruel and tell us all how lovely and warm it is where you are.......it's freezing here and I do mean freezing.....with more of the white stuff falling and I hate the white stuff :mad:
Rain that is a stunning room. The white stars look great with the blue!
I have been painting my ceiling all week ( can only cope with an hour or so at a time). It slopes so is very high on one side, It is a nightmare and I have a sore neck! Perhaps you could come and finish it for me ???????? Will make you tea? and give you a biscuit?
yvonne_uk_98
23-02-13, 18:32
Rain, your room looks beautiful.
Something light hearted
I wondered why the baseball
was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare
center where a three year old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy
whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
* A thief who stole a calendar
got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on
it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway
* A bicycle can't stand alone;
it is two tired.
* Time flies like an arrow;
fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory
which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their
britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you've seen one shopping
center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands
of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
AuntieMoosie
23-02-13, 20:27
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: They're great Ricardo..........my favourite has to be this one * A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. :roflmao:
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Granny Primark
24-02-13, 04:51
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::rofl mao::yesyes::yesyes::yesyes:
So the Government have finally come to their senses and have decided that any european doctors employed by the NHS must have a better knowledge of English if they are going to practice in the UK, after one or two fatalities where doctors have either not been fully qualified, not spoken sufficent English or have adminstered wrong drugs. Charming.
Granny Primark
24-02-13, 08:59
About time too! Sadly its too late now for some.
What the hell is happening to our NHS?
What happened in Stafford Hospital which is near to where I live and where my hubby drives past every day was appalling.
Having said that Ive worked in nursing homes where there were alzeimers sufferers and seen some terrible goings on. However when the visitors came the attitude of some of the staff completely changed.
Ive seen food put in front of residents that were unable to feed themselves only to be taken away without being touched either because staff were too busy or couldnt be bothered to feed them.
Hi Granny,
As you know my daughter is in a care home. Young upstairs, older patients downstairs. She made that her choice, not ours.
I have never had to complain once in 18months. There is a menu book with the days menu,the food is excellent. The carer's feed the ones that cannot feed themseves,
in the dining room or in their own rooms.Lots of the patients are fed by tube.
The patients are given half days outings like Freeport,and are taken to hospital
or have a doctor in.and inspecters come to see that patients are treated well.
She even has her high dyed and cut by a carer even though there is hairdresser,
there. Being hoisted is a two carers job, so they are busy all the time,and they
all deserve gold medals for their work.
When my Mum was ill in the 70s,as a big family we nursed her betwwen us,
so I do know whats it's like.
Hope you had a good holiday week:hugs::hugs:
Granny Primark
24-02-13, 15:25
I am so pleased your daughter is being well cared for.:)
Ive worked with some of the most brilliant carers and nurses.
However there are a very few that you wonder why they went into the caring profession.
Ive had a brill weekend Helen. Had Katie all day yesterday and overnight and this morning.
She loves to play X factor. Im simon cowell and she walks in and introduces herself then tells me what shes going sing. None of the songs ive ever heard of them cus she makes them up as she goes along.:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Hope your keeping well. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
ElizabethJane
24-02-13, 19:25
Hi Granny,
As you know my daughter is in a care home. Young upstairs, older patients downstairs. She made that her choice, not ours.
I have never had to complain once in 18months. There is a menu book with the days menu,the food is excellent. The carer's feed the ones that cannot feed themseves,
in the dining room or in their own rooms.Lots of the patients are fed by tube.
The patients are given half days outings like Freeport,and are taken to hospital
or have a doctor in.and inspecters come to see that patients are treated well.
She even has her high dyed and cut by a carer even though there is hairdresser,
there. Being hoisted is a two carers job, so they are busy all the time,and they
all deserve gold medals for their work.
When my Mum was ill in the 70s,as a big family we nursed her betwwen us,
so I do know whats it's like.
Hope you had a good holiday week:hugs::hugs:
Dear Magic 'Freeport' is fairly near to us about 20 minutes although I never go. I prefer to shop online. EJ
AuntieMoosie
24-02-13, 22:46
Ricardo I so agree with your post :)
I find it infuriating when I'm faced with a doctor that A) I can't understand and B) They can't understand me.
I think it's quite dangerous to be honest, especially if you're seeing medical attention in an emergency, it only takes one small misunderstanding and the most dreadful of mistakes could happen.
So I agree fully with the Government on this one, which is rare, I hardly ever do agree with them these days :roflmao:
Magic I'm so pleased and happy that your Daughter is being cared for so well. We all must remember that even though the bad stories are thrust in our faces, there also are some remarkable and wonderful places, offering excellent care too :D :hugs:
there still are apprenticeships, but of course the employer needs to also be commited to employing the young person at the end of it and to helping them A LOT during said apprenticeship... so unless they are given grants to provide these [some are] there is not as much chance of getting this as there used to be......
---------- Post added at 23:44 ---------- Previous post was at 23:30 ----------
of course we cannot blame foreign doctors nurses and/ or carers for all of these bad practice / probably illegal[or should be] ways of supposedly nursing our loved ones... my friends young daughter [3 at that time] was very nearly injected with stuff for a child on the other side of a 6 bed ward, they both had the same first name..... only stopped from doing so by my friend -whose daughter is severely disabled, who demanded to know what he was injecting her with! -now, he was a lovely British upper-class young man , who rapidly was told where to go and how to by friend and was also told by nursing staff that he needed bringing down a peg or two.... but if she hadn't been aware and had the confidence to stop him - her daughter would have been very, very ill poss killed by him, would he have admitted it? having met him and found him to be NOW a changed person from this one near miss, what would have happened had he not been stopped by her? of course he has always looked to be everyones dream DR. :mad: What a way to learn!:shrug:
Rennie1989
25-02-13, 12:58
Fed up with my teenagers, they take the cordless phones and dont put them back, when the phone rings, it search time for the phones. its a nightmare when you can not find them. would be good if they put one phone back on the charger. rant over....
Haha my parents used to be just as bad! And the phones never seem to have any battery as a result :doh:
Hello
Many of you attend The Quiz and unfortunately our Quizmaster got locked in the field on Saturday night,but she is back home now and we had a chat,as one does.
We were thinking that so many of us are on medication that makes one tired that it might be a suggestion if we could ask to have The Quiz brought forward an hour.
What do you think guys.
venusbluejeans
25-02-13, 17:09
I wouldn't be able to do an hour earlier, I pick up my mum from work at 7.30pm and sometimes do not get home until half past 8...... so that is kind of a problem. Unfortunately it may be a no go as I know that Nic sometimes goes out to eat on a Saturday evening and does not get back till later either.
I think we worked out that 9pm on saturday was the best time as it gave people a chance to eat and those who were out to come back in again.
I do appreciate it is harder for you though Ric as you are an hour ahead so it is later for you.
yvonne_uk_98
25-02-13, 18:34
I think the quiz time 9pm is good, if it was brought forward an hour, I would miss it completely.
AuntieMoosie
25-02-13, 23:00
Well it was just a little idea, but we'll happily stick to 9 :)
Ricardo......it wasn't being locked in the field that really worried me........it was what that bull was trying to do that got me really worried :ohmy: :roflmao:
Okay I have a fun question for us all :D
If you could chose which era to live in, when would it be and for what reason??
Me?....I'd like to have lived in the 1920's. I loved the fashion then, loved the way ladies dressed up....the men were quite dishy too :D
I would have loved a trip in one of those old, stylish cars, to the seaside, taken a nice stroll along the promenade, then sat in a lovely, quaint little tea room for tea and fresh scones :D
So it's over to you???:)
That's a really good question Auntie Moosie.
I am watching Mr.Selfridge at the moment and providing I was of a privalaged class I would say they had a pretty good life and new innovations were being introduced to make people live in and see things in a different way.
Of course poverty was rife as it is today, so it was only for a a small percentage of people, but generally people were more curtious than today.
Granny Primark
26-02-13, 12:25
I was just thinking.(me hubby will be gobsmacked cus hes sure I only think of 2 things money and shopping :yesyes:)
I was thinking about some of the sayings my beleloved mum used to say.
"Ive got no idea what to do for tea no more than fly."
What the hell she meant Il never know:shrug:
When she went play bingo shed come back and say "I couldnt win a bodle"
What the hells a bodle?:shrug:
When describing someone shed often say "The lights are on but theres no one at home":D
"Laugh? Lynn I thought my knickers would never dry":roflmao:
Instead of saying A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush. Shed say A bird in the hand means shit on the wrist.:roflmao:
There were loads of others. Im sure my hubby only married me cus he loved my mums sense of humour.
I dont know if anyone remembers Hilda Baker and how she always got sayings wrong? Well trust me my mum was exactly the same.
AuntieMoosie
26-02-13, 13:09
Yes I agree Ricardo :)
That's why I really have a thing about the 1920's. Ladies and Gentlemen were Ladies and Gentlemen :)
I've often had the thought that I really shouldn't have been born in this era.......have always felt like I somehow "don't fit".........I also can't cope with the stress and worry of our world today. I know things were harder and people had to work harder, but life just seems much more pleasant back then :)
Anyone else ever feel or have felt like that??
Granny...my house mother in the children's home that I was in used to come out with all those little quotes too :D
The fly one, was one of her classics :)
She used to say quite often "it's like Casie's court in here" I still don't know to this day who the heck "Casie is" :shrug:.......I would be interested if anyone knows the background to that one please :)
She also often used to say to me "Mandy! remember, I know exactly what you're going to do before you even do it" :scared15: :huh: :roflmao:
I found these which are quite amusing
t's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The road to success is always under construction.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Death is hereditary.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.
Well-behaved women rarely make history
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong
He who laughs last, didn't get it.
We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police.
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."
"He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants."
"Half of the people in the world are below average."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
"Constipated People Don't Give A crap."
"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
"Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing".
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?
I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon…
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Beauty is a light switch away……………..
Evening news is where they start by saying “Good Evening” and proceed by telling you why it’s not.
there are three kinds of people in this world those who can count and those who cant
when life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone eles who life handed them vodka and have a party
if Barbie is so popular then y do we buy her friends and boyfriends?
“GOD created the world, everything else is made in china.”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.
why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections.
Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.
Those who throw dirt only lose ground
You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother
Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest
hey occifer i swear to drunk im not as god as you think i am
This sentence is a lie.
Men are like parking stalls. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!!
Change is good, but dollars are better.
How is it that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder
everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
Solution to 2 of the world’s problem. Feed the Homeless to the hungry.
You laugh because I’m different…I laugh cause I just farted!
whoever said nothing is impposible, never tried slamming a revolving door!!!
Silence is golden but duck tape is silver
When life gives you melons… you might be dyslexic !
There’s no I in Team, yeah but there is in WIN
Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!
Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt … wakes up with a stinky finger!
Children in the back seat cause accidents… accidents in the back seat cause children!
The only good thing about going bra-less at my age is that it pulls the wrinkles right out of my face.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.
Granny Primark
26-02-13, 13:46
PMSL Ricardo:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
AuntieMoosie
26-02-13, 13:46
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
Still reading them Ricardo so I know I'll find more that tickle my fancy :D
Granny Primark
26-02-13, 13:50
:roflmao:Sorry but im going steal some of those for my facebook.
Absolutely hilarious. Thank God Im sitting on a a bath towel.:D:D:D:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest :)
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. hahaha :D:D
AuntieMoosie
26-02-13, 13:56
Granny......have yer got any tenna's ?........I'm in need here too :roflmao:
Ricardo.......you can stop yer laughing too :winks:.........us ladies of a more mature stage in life can be rather delicate in the Southern Water Department :ohmy: :winks: :roflmao:
Actually I'm with Thames Water myself :hugs:
---------- Post added at 15:06 ---------- Previous post was at 15:05 ----------
This thread is the highlight of my day lol :blush:
Number 11 and on hilarious, the one further down about car accidents and kids oh my gosh so bloody funny.
Granny Primark
26-02-13, 15:08
Ive never been so popular on facebook!:yesyes::yesyes:
Thank you ricardo:yesyes::yesyes:
Me hubby always tells me that im funny but then again looks arent everything.:weep::weep::weep:
---------- Post added at 15:07 ---------- Previous post was at 15:05 ----------
LOL Aunt moosie.
A packet of tena lady coming your way.:D
---------- Post added at 15:08 ---------- Previous post was at 15:07 ----------
Its the highlight of my day too. Thanks for setting it up.
Its true laughter is the best medicine.
AuntieMoosie
26-02-13, 15:58
Ric :roflmao:
Granny quick with them tennas.......*dons waders* :roflmao:
Col it's a great laugh isn't it....enjoy :)
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
:roflmao: :roflmao: that one I'm definitely going to use myself :roflmao:
Am just about to post this up on my Facebook too :D
This thread is better than any anti-depressants you'll ever get :D
Sometimes there are no words to describe how we feel about some people. Thank God, He gave us the middle finger. (http://www.searchquotes.com/quotation/Sometimes_there_are_no_words_to_describe_how_we_fe el_about_some_people._Thank_God%2C_He_gave_us_the_ mi/427665/) :ohmy:
Life was so much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits! (http://www.searchquotes.com/quotation/Life_was_so_much_easier_when_Apple_and_Blackberry_ were_just_fruits%21/427188/) :huh::huh:
Today's forecast; severe attitude warnings possible throughout the day, scattered sarcasm showers, and a strong chance of annoyance later in the day... (http://www.searchquotes.com/quotation/Today%27s_forecast%3B_severe_attitude_warnings_pos sible_throughout_the_day%2C_scattered_sarcasm_show ers%2C_a/426740/) :shades:
---------- Post added at 17:18 ---------- Previous post was at 17:13 ----------
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.:ohmy::ohmy:
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.:D
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.:)
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.:ohmy:
AuntieMoosie
26-02-13, 16:28
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::rofl mao::roflmao::roflmao:
Look!!......I'm supposed to be getting stuff done...........falling about laughing here :roflmao:
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. :)
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me. :blush:
Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY :yesyes:
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight :D
TV has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. :)
If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. :mad:
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.:yesyes:
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired ? :ohmy:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF? :ohmy::ohmy:
Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable.:shrug:
AuntieMoosie
26-02-13, 16:55
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Granny Primark
26-02-13, 18:24
My hubby recently told me to walk 5 miles a day.
I began 5 days ago.
Im 25 miles away from home now and he wont come and get me!!!!!!
---------- Post added at 18:24 ---------- Previous post was at 17:39 ----------
We all get heavier as we get older thats cus our heads are full of information.
(well thats my excuse)
I want to say thank you to all the people who walked into my lide and made it fantastic and all the people that walked out and made it outstanding!
If what they say is true that we get better with age then Im magnificent.
TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
50 I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."
So I went - and I got it.
49 A seal walks into a club...
48 Went to the corner shop - bought four corners.
47 So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
46 I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything - trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
45 I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
43 You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.
42 I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.
41 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
40 I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
39 My phone will ring at 2am and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I say, "I don't know. If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone."
38 A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
37 I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts". Well, YES. That's what I bought them for. You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.
36 I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35 I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."
34 A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
33 I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32 Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."
31 I'm in a Chinese restaurant and this duck comes up with a red rose and says: "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said: "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
30 I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite - one jar.
29 I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: "Are you two an item?"
28 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
27 Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
26 I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"
24 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
23 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"
22 Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
21 A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
20 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.
19 I rang up BT. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."
18 "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
17 When Susan's boyfriend proposed, she said: "I love the simple things in life but I don't want one of them for my husband."
16 I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any.
15 Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"
14 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
13 I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."
12 My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
11 Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.
10 A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
9 I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
8 "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.
7 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
6 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5 A classic from Tommy Cooper - I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
4 A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."
3 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
2 Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
1 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
AuntieMoosie
27-02-13, 14:52
Ricardo I'll have a read of those in a little while............done too much reading today already I think and there's only so much my muddled brain can cope with :hugs:
Granny Primark
28-02-13, 09:59
Why do bachelors attract clever women?
Cus opposites attract
What the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
Why are men like lawn mowers?
Theyre hard to get started, emit foul odours and half the time they dont work.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
How do you know when a man is about to say something clever?
Hel start with "My wife says..."
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it gets interesting theyre finished til the next time.
Why dont men have mid life crisises?
Cus they are still stuck in adolescence.
When should you want a mans company?
When he owns it.
Whats a mans idea of a romant evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
Did you hear that the first consignment of viagra to be imported into Britain was nicked?
Police are looked for hardened criminals in possession of swollen goods.
SORRY MEN.:winks::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
I think we all need something uplifting today :huh:
Come on guys make us smile :)
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
---------- Post added at 18:56 ---------- Previous post was at 18:52 ----------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
---------- Post added at 18:58 ---------- Previous post was at 18:56 ----------
Tom's scrotum The Best Story of the Year:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
---------- Post added at 18:59 ---------- Previous post was at 18:58 ----------
That's all for now folks :D
Granny Primark
01-03-13, 19:15
Thanks Annie:roflmao::roflmao:
I know whats going make me smile on Monday. The new Mrs Browns Boys dvd is on sale!:yesyes::yesyes::yesyes::yesyes:
On Sunday itl feel like xmas eve.
Its the funniest programme ive ever seen in me life.
Both me and my daughter have got all 3 dvds and 2 weeks ago she saw my 5 year old grandaughter sneak something upstairs.
My daughter went in her bedroom and was horrified to see her watch one of the dvds.
When she was told she couldnt watch the dvd she said well I here you laughing in your bedroom and I know your watching Mrs Brown so if you can watch it why cant I?
AuntieMoosie
01-03-13, 19:27
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Thanks for the laughs all :D
I will study them all further to pick out my favourites :hugs:
I love Mrs Brown's boys too. I have tickets for the live show in June so I had better get myself well enough to get to it :D
---------- Post added at 19:34 ---------- Previous post was at 19:30 ----------
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today:
A doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
"You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep."
"I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will never understand the teenagers of today.
They have unprotected sex, but have cases on their phones...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...
How the f*** did two sticks win?
----------------------------------------------------
My son came home from school all chuffed about gay marriage being legalised.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked. "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scrunched up his face dramatically, then replied, "It's the principle."
"Really?" I said. "Well, at least it's not the priest again."
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent
the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother, It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... It makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma
AuntieMoosie
01-03-13, 19:38
:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:
Annie:roflmao:
I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. :roflmao: :roflmao:
Ricardo :roflmao:
"I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own bed?" :roflmao: :roflmao:
Granny Primark
02-03-13, 07:04
Oh my goodness the posts on this thread make my day.
The jokes on here are much better than those of me hubbys.
He came in the other day and told me of a car sticker he saw in a car it was terrible but im embarrassed to say that I did smile.:):ohmy::blush:
It read " I love cats. They taste much nicer than chicken"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9Wu2kWwSY
This is so fascinating called Did You Know
That was interesting Ricardo, Thank you.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. __________________________________________________ ______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you joking?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:&nb sp; Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_____________ ____________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_______________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
Granny Primark
02-03-13, 10:16
Course I knew that. I wrote it!
We've finished painting our Room of Stars...
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8527/8522143976_2a9c85754f.jpg
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8518/8522148816_25072124f8.jpg
Rain that looks lovely :)
AuntieMoosie
02-03-13, 19:55
Thanks for the funnies all :D :roflmao:
Oh Rain that room looks outstanding :D Nice and relaxing too:).....can I come for a night or 2 just to see if that room helps me sleep??? :winks:
Granny Primark
02-03-13, 20:21
Rain that looks stunning. Well done!
That looks fabulous Rain!!! the dog as well:)
---------- Post added at 20:53 ---------- Previous post was at 20:40 ----------
I am having to connect my printer up for the jokes,:)xx
I may add that I tried to bake some bread yesterday------it turned out to be
a cake. I must admit it did look nice,and came out of the tin perfectly.
I was about to give it to the chickens over the wall -------BUT----True:)
it was ALL eaten by my husband through out the day who thought it tasted lovely.:)
Granny Primark
03-03-13, 04:19
LOL Magic.
I remember making bread years ago and even the ducks wouldnt eat it.
We've finished painting our Room of Stars...
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8527/8522143976_2a9c85754f.jpg
http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8518/8522148816_25072124f8.jpg
The room looks FANTASTIC! Loving the Greygound, we have one the same colour and markings, goes great with the woodwork.LOL
Rain, your room looks FAB!
Rain that looks so cool! and your dog awwwww!!! can I have him? xxx
Rennie1989
03-03-13, 12:52
Rain, I love the room! The grey really matches the wooden flooring and door! I love the stars too! Come do the same in my flat please :D
Panic Manic
03-03-13, 21:11
Rain, that looks awesome!!!
Granny Primark
04-03-13, 14:07
Just when I thought my hubby had finally grown up and could be sensible hes embarrassed me yet again.:blush:
Hes a bus driver and we have free travel. So rather than go to the town in the car cus of £1.20 an hour parking wel sometimes use the bus.
Im sure he must virtually know ever bus driver in the county!
Along came the bus and he said "Here comes gangnam style"
I said "what you on about about?"
It was a japanese man who looked just like him who sings gangnam style.
And he sang gangnam style doing some of the actions all the way to town.
I can laugh now but this morning I could have throttled him.
Granny Primark
04-03-13, 19:02
I thought that this thread would have been used more than it is.
I think a moan and getting things we off our chest and having a laugh is the answer to most of mental health problems.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but a good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'
A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!
Granny Primark
04-03-13, 20:02
Brill lol!
Sorry for the whinge earlier.
I guess its cus im getting old and its coming up to a day that I dread.
But I do think that laughter and being able to share our probs is the way through panic, anxiety and depression.
Thanks.xx
Medical Humor
Those of us in the medical industry know that humor is the best medicine, so here are some good medical jokes to help you through your day!
A woman told the vet that something was wrong with her dog. He examined the animal and told her the dog was dead.
"I don't believe you", she said, "I'd like a second opinion"
The vet said that would be fine. He went into the other room and got a cat. He put the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffed the dog and jumped down. The vet then got a black lab, put him on the table and the lab sniffed and jumped down.
The vet tells the lady again, "I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely dead. That will be $600 for the exam."
"$600 is ridiculous, what are the charges for?" she exclaimed.
"$600 is a bargain," the vet explained. "$50 for me and only $550 for the cat scan and lab work."
In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"
3 Doctors are at a Convention talking Shop.
The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."
The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”
The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off.
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about." "I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there." When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of fish over her husband's mouth. "Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not fish, to lure the mouse." "I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him."
Heard on Jay Leno's monologue: The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."
How is an undertaker like a bottle of cough syrup? They both take away the coffin.
A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an ear ache.
He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
The CEO of a large HMO dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter shows him to a lovely villa, wonderful music, great views, full staff of servants, gourmet meals, etc. The CEO says, "This is terrific!"
"Don't get too comfortable," says St. Peter. "You're only approved for a three-day stay."
Doctor Vs. Mechanic Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
A Nurse Practitioner was examining his patient who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, "Big breaths."
The woman replied, "Yes, they used to be bigger!"
A man comes to a doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors."
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."
"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (BLUSH) four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."
The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement to a young doctor.
Do you mean to tell me, exclaimed her friend, that he actually asked you to return all the presents?
Nancy: Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
Doc tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says "I want another opinion." The doc says "OK, you're ugly too."
A woman tells her doctor " I want a hysterectomy."
The doctor asks " Why Mrs. Koslowski, you're 77 years old?"
She tells him " I don't want any grandchildren."
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested.
"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the nurse as she handed him a very skimpy johnny.
"That's a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."
"That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"
An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."
The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."
After watching them make love, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions."
This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $75, and we can't afford that. You only charge $50, and Medicare pays half of that."
Panic Manic
09-03-13, 03:18
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/64889_557757000921712_2059927274_n.jpg
A crimper is doing a client and he asks the usual question “where are you going on your holidays?”
The client says I’m going to Rome.
Oh really how are you getting there?
I’m flying BA
Why are you going on BA they are rubbish, all the planes are old and the staff are miserable you should have gone on Alitalia.
Where are you staying?
I’m staying at the imperial hotel
Not that shithole, It’s an absolute dump and their staff make BA staff look good. I would have stayed at the intercontinental.
Why are you going to Rome anyway?
I want to see the Pope
What a waste of time, You’ll be standing with 2 million other people and he’ll be a speck in the distance.You must be mad if you think you’ll actually see the Pope.
The hairdresser finished her hair and she left.
Six weeks later the client comes back in, the hairdresser is doing her hair and remembers her holiday
You were going to Rome last time I saw you how bad was BA?
Well actually when I got to Heathrow they put me on a brand spanking new plane and because they’d over booked they upgraded me to first. I had a gorgeous steward looking after me. It was the best flying experience I’ve ever had.
Oh really I bet the Imperial was a dump though.
Well actually it’s had a 70 million refit, It’s like a palace and when I got there they’d also overbooked so they gave me the presidential suite. They also gave me free meals and treated me like a princess. I felt so special.
I bet you didn’t see the Pope though
Well actually I was walking past the Vatican and I was stopped by two Swiss guards. They explained that the Pope always gives a private audience to one ordinary person every morning. They asked me if I’d be that person.
So what happened?
Well they took me to a small room and asked me to kneel on a small red cushion. Then after a while the Pope came in. He walked over to me and looked down
Really? What did he say
He said, Who did your hair it looks f**king terrible? :):)
---------- Post added at 12:04 ---------- Previous post was at 11:12 ----------
WOMAN’S DIARY
22 Sept 2012 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love
- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep –
I think he’s planning to leave me –
maybe he’s found someone else.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
MAN’S DIARY:
Saturday 22 Sept
Spurs lost again.
Gutted.
Got a shag though.:)
The diameter of the sun is 1 390 000 km (865 000 miles).
The average temperature on the surface of the sun is 5,778 Kelvin.
The name Adam is believed to have originated from the Hebrew word for earth Adamah.
The last name in the Toronto phone book is Zzyzzer.
Hot water will turn into ice faster then cold water.
Assuming current population growths remain constant: by the year 3550 the total human population will have the same mass as the earth; assuming the average person is 60 kg (132 pounds).
In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow!
There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!
More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!
A sneeze will travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!
Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!
Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!
The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!
There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses!
"New Mexico boasts the largest concentration of Ph.D. scientists per capita in the United States." Read More (http://discovermagazine.com/2002/feb/featsurprise)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans, chimpanzees and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack someone upside the head.
In 1843, the first Christmas card was printed in England for Sir Henry Cole. He was busy man who wanted to save time in his own Christmas letters, but was also interested in encouraging the expansion of the postal system. 1000 copies of the card were sold at one shilling each. It was not until the 1860s that the production of cards accelerated, with cheaper printing methods. Then in 1870, the Post Office introduced a half penny stamp for sending cards.
In average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib .
If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. Myth: Your eyes will bulge out, but they will not pop out.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. (MYTH - Deliberately concocted rumor that originated from a book on insect lore published in 1954 (In a section on "common misbeliefs") )
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients used in dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
18 million links were shared on Facebook in August. Read More (http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/d9fa42c6-9714-11de-83c5-00144feabdc0.html?nclick_check=1)
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.False - In the "Bonnie Situation" while Jimmy, Vince and Jules are drinking coffee in the kitchen, the clock clearly reads 8:15. Secondly, when Vince and Jules go to retrieve the briefcase, it is "7:22 in the a.m.". The significance of the time 4:20 is that it is slang for smoking stuff.
Some US airports use falconry (hunting of game with falcons) "to scare off birds that can be hazardous for airplanes." Read More (http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/03/0325_030325_falconry.html)
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. FALSE! Only the 26 on the front of the memorial. Additionally, the Lincoln Memorial itself only has 48 states listed, since that's how many there were when it was completed.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. This allows the company name to be displayed in the middle.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
A typical microwave oven consumes more electricity powering its digital clock than it does heating food. While heating food requires as much as 100 times the power as running the clock does, the microwave heats food less than 1% of the time while the clock is typically always running. Therefore, in total, the clock uses up more electricity.
Great thread! Some very funny and very interesting stuff here :D
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.:ohmy:
---------- Post added at 12:13 ---------- Previous post was at 12:00 ----------
The whole point of this thread was to offer a distraction to those who wanted it from our daily struggle to varying degrees with different forms of anxiety etc.
if it interests you or brings a smile to your face for just a few minutes then it was worth starting .
A bit like the Saturday Quiz people can let their hair down for an hour and most find it therapautic .
There hadn't been much activity on here for a while so I decided to post the above to hopefully recreate some interest.
little wren
30-03-13, 11:45
'More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call'.
(If this is to date then I am gobsmacked by that figure - quite shocking really, we take so much for granted).
'In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow!'
(that must feel very strange).
Thanks for sharing x
yvonne_uk_98
11-04-13, 15:28
being housebound can drive ya round the bend, doing some homemade baking sort of helps keep ya occupied. what else can ya do when housebound?
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