View Full Version : It wasn't a very good year for me :-(
Hello everyone. Sometimes I'm not very good at telling people when I don't feel good, so I thought I'd turn over a new leaf & share how I'm feeling right now. After all I know I'm amongst friends here and what are friends for eh?
A year ago this week my brother died. At the time it felt very odd because I never got on with him (he subjected me to emotional abuse throughout my childhood so I can hardly say I was upset when this happened). When I was driving to work this morning, I began to feel upset as thoughts from when it happened last year came back. I remember thinking back then that "I did try to like him". I really did try in recent years to see a better side to my brother but he never showed me any warmth or kindness so I guess it was just destined to be that way
Even though I'm a kind & warm person, for some reason over the years my mother was always critical of me where my brothers were concerned (there were four of them so I was outnumbered). I do wish I'd had a sister to help me through. My little brother was my saviour though as we always get on really well.
Over the last year I supported my parents and remaining brothers, even though I knew that being there for them would probably set me back. I did become depressed & so began seeing a counsellor to try & work the bad memories & feelings out of my system. It's been very hard work but I am making progress. I often feel somehow dirty or undesirable, for want of a better way of putting it. Finally I am seeing clearly the reason I feel this way isn't because it's true, it's because the horrid things my brothers said & did to me. Even though I know this, it's still hard to shake off.
A couple of weeks ago I told my parents about the abuse. I'd never managed to have an open discussion with them about it because they always pushed me away. To my pleasant surprise they took me seriously & when we spoke on the phone they seemed much more energised than they had for ages. They really seemed to care about me & said I could phone any time to talk bout it. So I rang them again on Sunday. It didn't go as I hoped as my mother couldn't remember our conversation very well. That's not her fault as she's suffering with dementia. But my father, who is still in possession of all his faculties seemed suddenly uninterested & cold self when I tried to explain how the abuse had affected me. He said "we will never know the truth" & then "it's better left in the past. I was pretty stunned as he didn't want to know. That's not how it seemed when we spoke before. I'm so disappointed he pushed me away but I have tried reminding myself at least I know where I stand.
So, it's up to me to continue dealing with this. After my shaky start to the day, I did make it into work. I was quite late & hadn't intended to worry my colleagues. I made an excuse up rather than tell them why I was really late. I don't think I could have done a day's work if I'd talked about it. The crazy thing is that during the dayIi was thinking (like i have many times) why cant I just deal with this. Sometimes i feel like I'm making a fuss over nothing. anyway, My colleagues are more like family to me so it was ok being at work. Indeed I feel this way about everyone on here too, it's like a big supportive family. At least you all make me feel welcome and worthwhile.
Also knowing how it feels means I can hopefully make other people here feel better about themselves too. That's why I like this place.
Bye for now everyone...... xXx
You are not making a fuss about nothing at all. We all have things to deal with and no matter how long ago it can be in our minds like yesterday. I think we all need a big :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug: lots of them :D
You are not making a fuss about nothing at all. We all have things to deal with and no matter how long ago it can be in our minds like yesterday. I think we all need a big :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug: lots of them :Dthanku kind annie
Hi Tessar,
You have made huge steps in your recovery just by naming the abuse and telling your parents about it. You cannot control their response to it. It is not the response that you would like or how you would respond to others as you seem like a person with a huge amount of empathy and compassion for others. Nevertheless, their response does not invalidate your experience or feelings whatsoever.
I'm glad that you are opening up. It is time for you to receive the support that you have offered so many others and make new friends who are there for you. I wish you healing and happiness and look forward to following your progress :hugs:
Cat x
Thanku so much cat. What you say makes total sense & is the sort of thing my counsellor says. I guess that's why sharing here is a good idea. I wonder sometimes, having done CBT & got better at working things out, why it's hard for me to figure things out or why I get bogged down. but It's so easy to get mixed up in what's happening to you that being objective is difficult.
Thanku so much cat. What you say makes total sense & is the sort of thing my counsellor says. I guess that's why sharing here is a good idea. I wonder sometimes, having done CBT & got better at working things out, why it's hard for me to figure things out or why I get bogged down. but It's so easy to get mixed up in what's happening to you that being objective is difficult.
Sharing problems is always a good idea, Tessar. Objectivity isn't always possible when dealing with your own problems, which makes outside support and input invaluable. When dealing with your own problems, the trauma and feelings surrounding these problems can be all consuming. No matter how skilled we become through CBT or coping strategies an outside perspective, listening ear, hug, or pat on the back may be just what is needed to recognise our progress and worth :)
Everything you say below is very true, Cat. I have a bad habit of skimming over valid comments from people so I went back to re-read your posts as I wanted to remind myself of what you'd said.
I saw my counsellor today & mentioned that I've underestimated the significance of what's going on for me at the moment.
On reflecting about my feelings of rejection by my parents, I recall how one of my other (many) brothers had psychological problems too. He also emotionally abused me but after apologising about 10yrs ago we patched it up. We get on very well now & I really appreciate his honesty & support. He approached my parents several years ago & was similarly rebuffed by them. At the time I felt appauled that they let him down. I was really angry with them.
Though I anticipated the same happening to me, its difficult to let go of my dream that my parents would be loving & accepting of me. Having been "a good daughter" I felt sure theyd at least hear me out. I guess their rejection goes to show it isnt to be. Letting that dream go is proving difficult but I know it's necessary.
There was so much going on in our busy household that I just got caught up in it all as a vulnerable young girl & was an easy target for all.
I know I need to shift away from anticipating good things from my parents. It isnt to be. For whatever reason they just can give me what I need.
My second brother (who I mention above) continues to be very supportive. With him I am free to speak as I wish about our parents & my late brother too. He reminds me that it did happen & that I should believe my memories of events.
Like you say, Cat, "You have made huge steps in your recovery just by naming the abuse and telling your parents about it". Until a couple of weeks ago, even I knew the abuse happened, I couldnt accept in my heart it was real. I have 3 lovely young nieces & its being around them that makes me see that the way I was treated is wrong. Being that horrible to a young child is a very unkind thing to do. I cant imagine my lovely nieces being treated that way. I dont understand anyone who would be horrible to a child.
Again Cat you are right that my parents response does not invalidate my experience or feelings whatsoever. If I talk about it now it is feeling real & I am accepting that no one can ever deny that. Just because my parents wont take even some responsibility for what happened doesnt mean it isnt true. The more I say that, the more I am believing it.
I feel like there is a big gap between my vulnerable inner self & the outer person the world sees. I'd quite like the two to get to know each other. One day I would like to feel strong enough to talk freely about having been abused and put that experience to good use. Meanwhile its good to know that I'm not alone as right now being able to talk about this is proving very helpful.
Hi Tessar,
I'm so glad that you are discussing your experiences and have your brother, counsellor and people on this forum to talk to, to acknowledge them in ways that your parents cannot.
It is so easy to skim over comments that reinforce your worth and believe the hurtful things said or done when such trauma has taken place, as it has such a detrimental effect on self worth.
It is normal to feel hurt when people treat us unfairly, disregard our needs or fail to listen and hear us. Such behaviour can cause us to doubt our value and even our experiences.
In these situations, it is important to remember that other peoples responses are a reflection of who THEY are not who we are.
It is not a measure of how valid what we have to say is, or how valuable we are. It is a measure of that persons inability to address the situation for whatever reason.
I'm so glad that you are finding it beneficial to talk and I'm sure that you will continue to make progress with these issues. I look forward to following your progress and seeing you find the peace of mind and happiness that you deserve.
You are doing amazing for having the strength to face these painful issues and work through them.
Cat :hugs: xxx
That's very kind, cat. Again more sound advice from you. I've been good tonight as I confided in my partner that I was being encouraged by my counsellor to seek out people who will give me the things my parents can't provide. I find myself trying to deal with it alone as I feel guilty if I upset people.
But tonight my partner & i have had lots of lovely hugs and she has told me I'm not to bottle it up. I'm very bad as I didn't even tell her I was nearly too upset to make it to work yesterday. Anyway, earlier I may have needed tissues as the lovely hugs & closeness of it all made me cry, but I guess they are good tears, of relief as much as anything. Your post made me feel tearful but again in a good way.
Reading other people's posts have helped me too so hopefully some of this will help somebody else too. Thanku for taking such an interest as it means a lot.
Hugs to everyone her coz you (& I) all deserve it.
Aww your partner sounds like she cares for you and wants to help you :) Let her and try not to push her away.
It sounds like you've had a really positive day! I'm so pleased for you, Tessar! :yesyes: The first of many more to come. Yes we do all deserve hugs. Sending some more your way :bighug1:
So where am I at now? I thought about who I know that I could share stuff with. I am comfortable with picking the right kind of people to confide in so that's ok. So far i have got 2 conversations right & 1 wrong. The right were female colleagues I already trust & shared with before. Both were disappointed for me that my parents cut off communication about the past; both offered support/encouragement which I anticipated so that was good.
The only thing that came out of it which disappointed me is they both referred to my parents point of view/feelings & steered away from mine (other than initially being disappointed). Oh I don't know, perhaps I was expecting too much from it. I don't want to think about my parents feelings anymore, I spent my lifetime doing that & I'm sick of it. Sometimes I wish they were horrible through & through then everyone would side with me. I know that's not a very adult standpoint but I suppose the way I feel about much if this is coming from the little girl deep inside me who got hurt in all this.
Having spent the last year immersed in family business since my brother died, it really is time to break free again & limit contact.
Oh the one that didn't go as well was a chap who does our IT at work. He's also been very supportive, we always got on from the point I met him. I was only a temp then but we just clicked. He even has a nickname for me which I like. I have one for him too. Well, I was quite late in 1 morning & know my colleagues were a bit concerned. I didn't explain why I was late but did make the time up. What they don't know is I had become upset on my way to work (a year to the day my brother died, I'd been alright about his anniversary til that morning & these feelings came out of the blue). I needed to compose myself before going into work. This chap happened to be there when I arrived & pulled my leg about me oversleeping. I went along with that which was fine. But then I texted him later to say why I was late but he misread what I was saying. I think he thought he'd upset me but he hadn't. So I emailed him to explain clearly. I haven't heard from him in 2weeks which is unusual & he didn't reply to the email. I guess I had anticipated a reply in his usual kind, caring way so was surprised not to hear back. But I haven't panicked over it, he probably thinks nothing of it. But he's coming into work 2moro so I am hoping to get a chance to talk to him.
What I really want from people is for them to say to me "how hurt I must feel about my parents rejecting me". When we talk I want it to be about me, not my parents. As I said I know I am being somewhat childish but I can't help it.
Also I feel the need to tell people that I don't like my parents. People just seem to assume we get on ok but we don't. If I do slate them, people do become defensive & critical of me for not being more caring about my parents but how can I be when they have done the opposite to me?.
I wish instead people would just accept I don't get on with my parents & never will (having wasted a lifetime trying I know it isn't going to be). I have good reason to feel this way. Maybe I'm not very good at explaining myself... I must admit that I often bottle it when I go to tell people something like this..
Oh dear, I have babbled on rather.....but it's out now innit?
I am still working on becoming more assertive & liking myself and accepting it when people say kind things about me. I am planning on taking a flight (2 in 1 day in fact 30mins each way) for work. I have never flown alone before and am scared of flying. But if I am going to get better then there's probably no better way of doing that than challenging myself to some thing new that required guts.
I'm off now, thanku for listening (if u r still awake that is).
A rather confused & unfortunately hormonal Tessar.
Aww Tessar, from working in school with young people, I can understand your point of view perfectly. Many of the children would talk to me and tell me they didn't like their parents and knowing a little about their background I could understand why. Some of these kids were just so desperate for a mother figure or someone just to hug them. It is really against the rules to hug the kids but I have to admit I broke some of those rules because I knew that was all that child needed. So here are some hugs for you :bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1:
Awe thanku very much Annie. I have tears in my eyes now since you "hit the nail on the head" so to speak.
It's when I say stuff to people but they don't get it.... Then I feel like I wish I'd not said anything as I feel worse afterwards. I read what people say as reinforcing that my parents are ok and I shouldn't criticise them.
that feeling reminds me of how I felt if I turned to my mother for support, but so many times instead of backing me or at the least trying to understand me, she didn't want to know. Right up into my adulthood (and even now) she would take the side of the other person. I have no idea why she did that since as her daughter I would have thought she'd put me before outsiders.
So then I'd feel worse and my reaction was always to make myself scarce, I didn't want her (or especially my brothers) to see my disappointment. It was worse if i cried as my brothers always thought that was hilarious. Occasionally as I was making a very swift exit, she realised what she had done & tried to stop me and put it right. But once I felt rejected I wasn't going back to her, it was too late. In the end I stopped ever telling her anything. Even the good things as somehow she had the ability to make them sound like nothing or just not even really listen at all.
This is why I find it hard to confide in people since I read people's faces very closely and am very sensitive to words, reactions, body language and if I sense the slightest negative reaction I find that hard to deal with. I know that it doesn't always mean someone is not interested, I do try to keep a realistic perspective but it has been inbuilt into me over the years.
At least here I know that people are behind me and that counts for a lot. The hugs r working thanku.
Hello tessar hope you are ok. It will b 1yr this month on the 22nd when my dad passd away he was 62yrs old & did not look his age he ony looked in his mid 50,s. But he had lymphoma for 3yrs. They gid him 5yrs. But he also had diabetis,back problems,enlargd spleen,one part of his heart was enlarged & had leaking heart valve. He died of a quick heart attack. 1week after my son,s 4th b.day. & they loved eachother. My god it hurts. He was always there for me when my anxietys hit or i had a panic attack. I just miss his words. Im getting upset.
Hello tessar hope you are ok. It will b 1yr this month on the 22nd when my dad passd away he was 62yrs old & did not look his age he ony looked in his mid 50,s. But he had lymphoma for 3yrs. They gid him 5yrs. But he also had diabetis,back problems,enlargd spleen,one part of his heart was enlarged & had leaking heart valve. He died of a quick heart attack. 1week after my son,s 4th b.day. & they loved eachother. My god it hurts. He was always there for me when my anxietys hit or i had a panic attack. I just miss his words. Im getting upset.
Hello fruity, I'm sorry that your dad passed away. Sounds like you did love your dad lots and that he was very special to you. So it's no surprise that you feel upset. Also of course your son will have found all this upsetting too will add to your sadness I know.. Something to remember is that all the treasured memories you have of him will always be there and nothing will ever change what he meant to you. Whilst he might not be able to support you now, it's worth recalling how good it felt to have his support, the words and sense of security he would have given you can still exist for you and he'll be there In your heart too.
Very kind/true words. Thank you tessar. Your reply made me cry but happy tears. Thank u.
Well fruity (I love your user name by the way) I had a feeling that u would feel tearful but I think they can be considered happy tears perhaps. I'm glad that I was able to help.
Reflecting back on some of what I've put here, it is definitely worth dealing with things, confronting them, bringing them to a head. It did mean a few weeks of ups & downs & I had to do some sole searching after bringing stuff to the attention of my parents. But it has been worth it.
Also I am still trying to make sure I dont hide my feelings. I am getting more used to letting people know if I feel sad or hurt. But also the good things too; making sure people know if I'm happy about something or appreciate something they've done.
It so easy to overlook the good things I agree.
And also in my search to find the "real me" (a me that I really like & feel is worthwhile, valued & meaningful) I am learning that actually I really can change the poor opinion I have of myself. But it takes time and I need to be on the ball when it comes to spotting negative feelings/thoughts I have about myself.
The hardest part is not ignoring them when they appear. To actually recognise that for instance, when I feel that in a situation where I might be comforting a friend, that I feel my words of comfort are less valuable or worthwhile than comforting words said to that friend by another person. That somehow even if the words were the same from me and another person, that my words would be less valuable & carry less weight.
I am beginning to see that instead of accepting this way of thinking as the truth, I need to stop the automatic nature of my thoughts. To really sit up & think properly & realistically about it.
The other day I sat there & thought to myself that I used to have a brother called xxxxx. Its like suddenly I registered at last that he has gone. he died. he is no more. The unkind things he said (that I still seem to work by) are only carrying on because I have them in my mind. If I can stop those thoughts and really see they are not true, then finally I believe I will be free to see who I really am.
To feel my worth to others.
To see that even though I feel fat, undesirable or whatever it is that he implanted in my mind ..... actually I am no different to anyone else. I wouldnt label my friends in this way, so I am now challenging why it is I do this to myself.
I've been imagining myself as attractive. That I am desirable. It kind of feels odd but the more I see an image of myself as positive, valuable, good,the more likely I am to believe it.
Also I've been working hard with my partner as well. Trying to see how much we share together that is good. She has responded well to much of what I've said. In fact, she is getting more positive about stuff too. I had often felt she seemed depressed but she wasnt keen on looking at that side of things so it's good that she is becoming more positive & cheerful as that helps me too. part of me wishes it didnt have to me who always delivers the cheerfulness in our relationship but then I guess when you are partners, you each bring different things to the relationshiop. Perhaps instead of wishing she was more like me, I can just be me & if that helps her be more outgoing & happy then that's good. Me, I need sometimes to take more responsibility in our relationship, even day to day stuff. I've made big efforts on that score & she's appreciated that.
Just shows you what is possible if you try.
Tessar you have done so well at identifying the things that cause you to sometimes feel/react the way you do and this is the step needed to overcoming them. You are getting through that stage really well now and I really admire you for how well you are doing and how you are challenging yourself daily to improve. :)
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