angusyoung
20-02-13, 15:51
Hi, this is something I've never been a part of before (this forum), I thought that I would seek some advice given the nature of the site. I've been researching the web for a while about this topic, and reading about what everyone else had to say drove me to say something myself. About two years ago, things weren't going so great with my girlfriend at the time, I wasn't sure if I was into her as much as she was into me. One day, and I apologize for the graphic nature of this, I was watching some internet porn and I was hit with this crazy inclination that I was gay. All of a sudden, I started to feel nervous and hot and cold all at the same time, and all I could do was question the veracity of this thought. I sat for what seemed like hour and not only questioned how I felt about her, but also how I felt about every girl I had been with up until that point. At the time I was a Junior in college studying musical theater, a profession that as most people know has a large homosexual majority. I have never ever had a problem with gay people, nor did I ever think that their lifestyle is wrong or immoral or anything like that. It seemed real to me because I figured if I had the thought, then it must be true right?
To further my anxiety over this question my thoughts immediately went back to when I was a young kid, about 3 years old, exploring my body with a boy who lived next door. I know that at that age you're just a kid, but did that mean something? From this I spent a lot of time watching gay porn to see if I had any kind of reaction to it, which led to the same kind of panicky, hot/cold sweat feeling. In addition, I remember going on facebook that same day and asking myself "Wait, when I look at pictures of people do my eyes go to the guys first?" I don't know if I set myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy kinda thing but it certainly seemed that way, every time I perused through people's pictures, it seemed like I would be looking at the guy first. That transferred into my day to day life, as I walked down the street, as well as when I hung out with my friends, I remember I was freaking out as I was talking to one of them, "Am I actually interested in you another way?". My girlfriend and I broke up for different reasons than this however, we spent all of our time together and then both spent the year after college living together, and we both needed a change to be our own people. A small part of me thought that, "wow now I'll really find out for sure", I spent a year finding a job and missing her on and off, when I got lonely my thoughts came back to either her or honestly other girls I had been with, even back to porn. The thoughts didn't trouble me as much, and I honestly gave them a lot of credibility in asking myself this question over and over again. I tried online dating a bunch, and never really got serious with anyone because it just didn't feel "right". However, I met someone new this past summer off the same site, we ended up having sex very quickly after we first met and from that we saw each other a few times afterwards. I ended up breaking it off with her at first, because again while things moved quickly physically, it just didn't feel right in other respects. In addition, she told me she loved me early on, and I just didn't feel the same way. I tried dating more people afterwards but for some reason could not get her out of my head, so I tried seeing her again. Upon said meeting she told me she had met someone else who had apparently said in so many words he wanted to marry her, but she still told me to not "give up". I put up with that mantra for a day and decided that kind of situation was not worth it. In the time that followed, I again tried seeing other people but I still could not stop thinking about her and now about this guy and her together, it made me crazy thinking about it. I tried once again contacting her and trying to persuade her to reconsider. However, I met this other girl who I clicked with instantly, I thought she was the coolest person, we ended up spending our dates talking for hours and even though we ended up spending nights together, I decided not to push things physically, I wanted to take it slow. Unfortunately for me, it didn't work out between us, and on the night we parted and I knew for sure it wasn't going to happen, I went directly over to the girl I had been on-and-off with, and we are now dating. Since my college girlfriend and I ended, I began to put a large amount of emotional weight on relationships, thinking that you should enter a relationship only if you are head over heels 100% in love, a notion that my mom had previously told me was ridiculous, I'm still not so sure. In any event, since dating her I began to realize once more that maybe this isn't right, we get along but I'm still not happy with who I am when I'm around her. From that, my thoughts began to spiral towards the obsessive thinking that I was gay, being "Well, if she isn't doing it for you, you must be gay, go on, admit it". There have been times recently where these thoughts keep me up practically all night, yielding only perpetual visits to gay porn sites and various other thoughts to see if its true. Upon research way back when, I came across an article regarding HOCD, which seemed to explain things. However, I would really like to ask the board is this condition even real? I sincerely apologize for the length of this message, I really just wanted to give you the whole story regarding this issue I'm having, thank you so much for any time you give this.
To further my anxiety over this question my thoughts immediately went back to when I was a young kid, about 3 years old, exploring my body with a boy who lived next door. I know that at that age you're just a kid, but did that mean something? From this I spent a lot of time watching gay porn to see if I had any kind of reaction to it, which led to the same kind of panicky, hot/cold sweat feeling. In addition, I remember going on facebook that same day and asking myself "Wait, when I look at pictures of people do my eyes go to the guys first?" I don't know if I set myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy kinda thing but it certainly seemed that way, every time I perused through people's pictures, it seemed like I would be looking at the guy first. That transferred into my day to day life, as I walked down the street, as well as when I hung out with my friends, I remember I was freaking out as I was talking to one of them, "Am I actually interested in you another way?". My girlfriend and I broke up for different reasons than this however, we spent all of our time together and then both spent the year after college living together, and we both needed a change to be our own people. A small part of me thought that, "wow now I'll really find out for sure", I spent a year finding a job and missing her on and off, when I got lonely my thoughts came back to either her or honestly other girls I had been with, even back to porn. The thoughts didn't trouble me as much, and I honestly gave them a lot of credibility in asking myself this question over and over again. I tried online dating a bunch, and never really got serious with anyone because it just didn't feel "right". However, I met someone new this past summer off the same site, we ended up having sex very quickly after we first met and from that we saw each other a few times afterwards. I ended up breaking it off with her at first, because again while things moved quickly physically, it just didn't feel right in other respects. In addition, she told me she loved me early on, and I just didn't feel the same way. I tried dating more people afterwards but for some reason could not get her out of my head, so I tried seeing her again. Upon said meeting she told me she had met someone else who had apparently said in so many words he wanted to marry her, but she still told me to not "give up". I put up with that mantra for a day and decided that kind of situation was not worth it. In the time that followed, I again tried seeing other people but I still could not stop thinking about her and now about this guy and her together, it made me crazy thinking about it. I tried once again contacting her and trying to persuade her to reconsider. However, I met this other girl who I clicked with instantly, I thought she was the coolest person, we ended up spending our dates talking for hours and even though we ended up spending nights together, I decided not to push things physically, I wanted to take it slow. Unfortunately for me, it didn't work out between us, and on the night we parted and I knew for sure it wasn't going to happen, I went directly over to the girl I had been on-and-off with, and we are now dating. Since my college girlfriend and I ended, I began to put a large amount of emotional weight on relationships, thinking that you should enter a relationship only if you are head over heels 100% in love, a notion that my mom had previously told me was ridiculous, I'm still not so sure. In any event, since dating her I began to realize once more that maybe this isn't right, we get along but I'm still not happy with who I am when I'm around her. From that, my thoughts began to spiral towards the obsessive thinking that I was gay, being "Well, if she isn't doing it for you, you must be gay, go on, admit it". There have been times recently where these thoughts keep me up practically all night, yielding only perpetual visits to gay porn sites and various other thoughts to see if its true. Upon research way back when, I came across an article regarding HOCD, which seemed to explain things. However, I would really like to ask the board is this condition even real? I sincerely apologize for the length of this message, I really just wanted to give you the whole story regarding this issue I'm having, thank you so much for any time you give this.