View Full Version : My life is hopeless
This is a continuation from my previous thread I give up (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=11354)
Thank you Piglet, Lisa and Mary Rose.
Piglet - I have been at the clinic this morning but wish I hadn't now.
Mary Rose - I hope your holiday goes well. Will be thinking of you.
Lisa - Thanks sis.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">PS Just seen this is on page 50 now, may be time to start a new thread with a more positive title soon [?]:D
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 07 September 2006 : 11:55:09</div id="right">
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Sorry sis. I have started a new thread but not they way you suggested. I am definitely not feeling at all positive. In fact I am petrified of what is going to happen next.
Today at the clinic Julia spoke to me about my weight loss and said my weight is now causing alarm and medical concerns. She told me that with where I am at now they won't be able to discharge me from the clinic in a couple of weeks. I thought someone was finally listening when I say I am not coping but it appears not. She told me they would instead be transferring me to a hospital unit somewhere [:O]:( [No]
All hope has gone because there is no hope if that is what is going to happen. I am again thinking of getting away while I still can.
Sorry.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I can understand your fears regaring the clinic. So have you lost more weight now to spark this concern? I was pleased to read they won't be discharging you as you need support but what do they mean by transferring you to a hospital somewhere? Does this mean another day clinic or as an inpatient? I guess if your weight really is that low they have a duty to act accordingly and the only way to stop that is to maintain or gain a tiny amount. Maybe it's time to put your cards on the table and have a proper chat with Julia about what you think you need and what they are offering.
I don't think running away is the answer either, nothing has been decided yet and if you can just stop losing weight hospital may not happen or you may be a day patient somewhere else maybe. You may still even get CBT, you don't know the result of yesterdays assessment yet either. Can you speak to your doctor about all this as she doesn't favour hospital does she?
I just wish someone would sort out the right sort of help for you.
Thinking of you,
Hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Karen, I am new on here and i've been looking back over the other thread and i'm extremely saddened with what i read.
I suffered with an ED for many years, brought on by being severely bullied at school for being slightly larger than the other girls, this went on for 2 years, i was both physically and mentally abused and it went unoticed - the results....a 31 year old women who has NO self esteem or self worth, trust issues and a whole range of other mental health problems.
I am over the worst of my ED now, i never weighed any less than 6 stone 10 and at 5'2" i can now say looking back at photos i looked a horrible skinny mess and i read your goal is 6 stone, i can't imagine what 6 stone on a grown women looks like, my 8 year old son is almost that. I gave up on being skinny, i liked food too much and don't get me wrong, i have days where i look at myself in the mirror and wish i could be thinner, but its not worth the health risks. I know how you are feeling, because i've been there, but if your weight is causing alarm surely you should realise what you are doing isn't good and you are too thin.
I wish you well..
Sarah.
Thank you Lisa and Sarah.
Lisa - I don't know what has suddenly sparked concern. I have lost weight this week but when I was weighed at the clinic this morning my BMI hadn't fallen from last week. Their scales are not particularly reliable though I find.
Julia was talking about admitting me to a hospital somewhere as an inpatient but there is no way I am going. Officially I am not below the sectioning BMI level and if they could admit me I think they would have already taken action but now I just want to stay away from the clinic just in case.
I have already told Julia everything and the reason why I am struggling so much to eat and so intent on weight loss. I am seeing my doctor on Monday so will talk to her then but I really don't know what to do anymore. I just know I am NOT going to hospital no matter what.
Sarah: Welcome to NMP and I am sorry to hear of your struggle with an ED too. Bullying can leave longlasting effects on self esteem and self worth.
I recognise realistically my goal weight is low but in my world right now it is all I can focus on. I have met my original goal and now my anorexia has set a new target which I am determined to reach. Nothing can stop me or get in the way. I feel I don't have anything else.
Lisa - running and hiding seems like the best plan I have right now [Sigh...]
Karen xx
just sending you a big hug cos it sounds like you could really use one,
B I G H U G X
kairen x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Lisa - running and hiding seems like the best plan I have right now [Sigh...]
Karen xx
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 07 September 2006 : 19:19:58</div id="right">
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No that's a right daft plan, even dafter than my one of deciding to fit new taps by myself or the one when I bought a big table from school and me and the kids had to drag it home involving crossing a bypass or the one where ..............................
I have a much better plan - wait and see, meanwhile dont catosrophise (I know that's a real word cos you use it and do it alot)!!!
Your doctor is well on your side and so is everybody else around you too - have you ever seen Shrek where donkey is really really petrified of crossing the wooden swing bridge and Shek distracts him and before you know it he's got across!!! Come to think of it I could do with a Shrek all of my own too.
Whatever happens (and it's by no means a fait accomplee [Sigh...] spelling [:I]) we will all be in touch with you - it's not prison!!!!
<center>((((((((((((((K))))))))))))))))
</center>
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Kairen. I really could do with a hug right now.
Piglet: Thank you for cheering me up a bit with your tales! I am imagining you struggling with that table!
Yes, I have seen Shrek. I could do with the right person here to encourage me to eat and to help me cope with the terrible feelings I experience when I have eaten.
Running away still seems like a good plan right now [8)]
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">it's not prison!!!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 07 September 2006 : 18:47:18</div id="right"></td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
It might as well be :(. It is what it would be like for me - and being force fed too :(:(:(
Karen xx
Hi dearest Karen, sorry been missing for a while but still think of you. Nothing to add to other advice really, not an expert in this field, nor any for that matter, and can only imagine how you feel. Try your very hardest to eat a tiny, weeny bit now and then just to keep yourself functioning. Reach a weight that you can cope with (and those around you think, sort of suitable) Gosh I am talking rubbish, but i know you don't want any hospital treatment, keep them at bay by eating a very small, healthy sort of diet?? Oh dear, i am going to be quiet now before i upset you. sorry darling. xxxjean p.s As for Piglet and 'BUYING" the table from school, Huh! I think not! Did you read her local papers about the local thief who kept stealing equipment from the schools, it was even on London tonight, I didn't grass her up, even though there was a hefty reward. xxx
(((((Karen)))))
Hi sis. I still disagree, running away is not a good plan and will never solve anything. I agree with Piglet, it's best to wait and see what happens and try not to think the worst, hard I know.
I am concerned that you have reached your goal (as I know how low that was) and that you are aiming for a lower one [:O] This is only going to make you very ill and make hosital much more likely. You fear hospital yet you are making it more likely by keep losing weight. I don't mean to upset you by saying that and I'm sure you must realise this too. Can you not at least try and maintain for now?
Also as Piglet said whatever happens it won't be a a prison and you may even get better. Whatever you think about these hospitals many people do recover while there and you are at the point where you really have to accept some help soon. Ideally day care and CBT of course (which may still happen) but if it doesn't then you may have to consider other options. I know you have genuine fears about inpatient treatment and I understand why but some of the thoughts you have about these places are not true and are misconceptions, as Fee used to say it would never be as bad as you imagine. Also as you know anticipatpry fear is always worse than the actual event and won't be as bad as the torment you suffer from every day. You know everyone here would be there for you stillas would K, Meg etc.
I hope you can discuss all this with your doctor on Monday and come up with a suitable realistic plan of some sort.
Night sis, sleep well. Hope I haven't upset you, just say what I do as I care.
Lisa x
Carlin - drat you said you wouldn't tell if we shared the booty (actually booty isn't really the right word these days - I'm swinging my booty now and breaking into song girlfriend[:I]:D)!!!
Oh go to bed Piglet you're so embarassing!
Night night all :)
Love Piglet xx
Thank you Jean, Lisa & Piglet.
Don't worry, I am not upset by any of the comments made. Realistically I know I need to eat a little and maintain my weight to avoid hospital but actually doing it is sooo difficult.
Once I get into a pattern of not eating, it actually is easier to continue not having anything and the panic and distress of trying to eat becomes too much to get past. Physically it also becomes very difficult to eat anything as I feel so ill when I try.
Today I am due at the clinic again, as I missed Monday and Julia said to go in today instead. However, I am panicking.
Going in for the morning would be ok (I think), but then Julia sprung on me that I could stay on for the whole day as they are doing arty things like making candles and painting plant pots this afternoon. I am not really bothered one way or the other about these kinds of activities but I guess it could be ok.
What isn't ok though is what being there for the whole day means - ie lunch. I do not want to eat there. In fact, I don't want to eat at all but I certainly don't want (and physically could not eat) on of their meals. I'll be sick because my body won't be able to cope with it.
Lunch times are supervised too and I get more panicky if I am watched while eating.
I don't know what to do. I was going to phone in sick this morning to avoid going at all but then I thought that might raise alarm bells. Then I thought I would say I need to go out at lunch time, but they might say no. Or I could say that I can't stay for the afternoon after all and come home. I think that's the best option really.
Last night I couldn't sleep for panicking about this and I am still panicking this morning.
Karen xx
Paddington
08-09-06, 10:33
dear Karen,firstly thank you for your lovely reply to my post,it means so much,specialy coming from you!And the honour is all mine Karen.You are a special human being,Full of compassion and wisdom,i so wish you could get this demon off your back.I hope it was not too awful at the clinc today[i wont know as i will be away when you read this:( ]would they let you take your own provisions in,your fruit maybe?..i agree with lisa too hun,the thought of somthing is always worse than the reality.We over analyse things and see the worst possible scenario.I have done it allmy life,and am now beginning to ignore my inner voice and jfdi..!!!!!I know this will happen for you in it's own time ,The important thing is for you to feel setttled,am i right in the asumption that upheaval makes your anorexia worse,as the control factor kicks in?Perhaps the powers that be need reminding of that fact?As Piglet says,'wait and see'...hun,this could all turn into the best possible route for your recovery..my mom always says ..'travel hopfully'..i think that is a good saying for you today.Love ,mary rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore
Hi Karen,
I hope you have made it to the clinic and are able to stay all day, the activities this afternoon sound like fun to me (the mess I could make with a paintbrush doesn't bear thinking about though lol).
Thinking of you and look forward to hearing how you got on.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you Mary Rose and Lisa.
Mary Rose - I realise you won't get to read this now and I hope next week is good for you.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">am i right in the asumption that upheaval makes your anorexia worse,as the control factor kicks in?<div align="right">Originally posted by mary rose - 08 September 2006 : 10:33:12</div id="right">
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Yes, you are right. Feeling unsettled and like I have no control over what is happening in my life right now is making things worse. It is like all I can control is whether I eat or not and so I exert more control over food intake and actually stop eating.
Lisa: Thanks sis. I did go all day because when it came to it I couldn't get out of staying this afternoon but it has caused soo many problems. I was doing my best to be positive about things this morning in the group when suggestions were being made about me going away for a short break when K moves to 'take my mind off her for a while' and about finding hobbies and interests to fill my time once the clinic ends.
However, at the end of the morning the dreaded food topic came up. Julia said as I was staying all day I ought to eat a meal there and that the 'privilages' I've had like being able to go out at lunchtime and arranging my own food are ones I have abused. She said no one has monitored what I have been eating for months, with the emphasis being that this is my fault. I know I have taken advantage of it but then I do have an eating disorder. For once I don't think it is fair that the blame put solely on me.
Then she asked me if I thought she had a right to be angry with me for not sticking to my part of the agreement. And then went on to ask me what I would think if a friend was starving themselves like I am and how that would make me feel. All of this is just adding guilt to the way I am feeling and now I feel like I have something else to beat myself up about and to punish myself for.
She said she would prefer I ate lunch there but she wouldn't insist today. However, instead she wanted me to bring some food back and eat it in the EDU area where a member of staff could see that I had eaten and what I'd eaten.
Now I feel utter despair and disgust with myself and like I have had control taken away from me again. It is humiliating being watched and then I was still questioned this afternoon about what I'd eaten and told to 'work on this' myself at home :(:(.
I'm completely shattered too. A whole day there is too much. I need my afternoon nap [|)].
Karen xx
<center>(((((K)))))</center>
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
Well done for staying at the clinic today and for coping with all that you had to face, you did well sis and have nothing to feel guilty or beat yourself up about.
I hope you've managed to have a rest this evening.
Don't know if it's just me but this board seems a little odd now. I posted on my thread earier but now can't find it unless I log on and go to my area! If I look on the main forum page the "everyhing else" section which contains the misc posts is not visible, very odd.
Night night, hope you sleep well.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
How are you today?
Thinking of you.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks sis. I am still beating myself up over the fact I had to eat yesterday :(.
I am also very tired today.
Karen xx
Lindalou64
09-09-06, 19:16
Hi Karen
sorry to here your going thru this I wish u the best keep ya chin up ........Linda[8D]
Hi Karen
Just wanted to say I still think of you and am glad to see you are posting more.
Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time though.
(((K)))
Tammy x
Hi Karen,
No need to beat youself up sis.
Hope you've had a good rest.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you Linda, Tammy & Lisa.
Just when things are as bad as I think they can get... they get a whole lot worse :(:(:(
Now my other forum has crashed and that means I won't hear from K. She has only just come back from Ireland and now I will be losing contact with her again.
To make matters worse I received an email notification that I had received a PM on that forum but now it has crashed I can't read it and I am in a state thinking it is from K. Our only contact is through the forum.
I have been really bad to get all these terrible things happening to me :(:(. And I am sure some of it is because I had something to eat yesterday :(
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Aww sis. First you have done nothing bad at all and secondly how can the forum crashing possibly be anything to do with you eating? Think about it rationally, it's not possible in any way. You have to stop associating things happening with you being bad. Good and bad things will happen whether you eat or not, it makes no difference. Bad things happen to us all at times as do good. Even really evil people (murderers etc) have good things happen so it's just not logical and likewise good people (like you) have bad things happen at times, it's just life I'm afraid.
You are NOT bad and have done nothing bad ok. Eating is normal and necessary and can't be classed as bad, it's a good thing.
Sorry about your other forum but this has happened before and you have coped and you will this time too. I can imagine how frustrating it is, especially when you're alone and waiting to hear from someone, but you will hear from K soon, I'm sure the forum won't be down for long.
Big hugs, thinking of you,
Night sis, sleep well,
Lisa x
I'm sorry sis but it is the end of the world to me :(:(:(:(:(:(
Karen
I love you in place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
~The Carpenters~
Don't be sorry, you can't help how you feel about eating or how much hearing from K means to you. However you can try and look at this all a bit more rationally and then maybe you will realise it's not the end of the world, it just feels like it is right now. Imagine how important this will be in one weeks time when you will have heard from K several times. I often try that technique now and it can help.
If the forum is not up again today it probably will be tomorrow and K's message will be something to look forward to reading.
As there is nothing you can do until the forum is up and running (which will be soon I'm sure) can you find something to distract you maybe?
I'll leave it there as I doubt I'm helping, although I'm trying to (or very trying ;)). Sorry I can't say anything more to help, wish I could. I am thinking of you though and I feel for you so much when you feel this bad.
Night night,
(((((Hugs)))))
Lisa x
Thank you sis. I know you are trying to help.
I went to bed eventually having taken my sleeping pills but I can't sleep even.
Just want to block the world and these feelings out for a while but now I am not even able to do that.
I wish I could be with K, feeling safe, cared for and like there is some hope when I am with her. I wish for love too, the kind of love a mum might give her daughter...
A loving hug is all I really want tonight.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Just popped on to see how you were before I go out.
I know it's not the same but here is a very loving (((((hug))))) for you :)
We all want love and need a hug every now and then, it's only natural.
I hope today is better,
Love Lisa x
Thank you Lisa.
I am feeling a little bit better today because the forum is up and running again - for now at least - and I've heard from K.
I still can't help thinking about what would have happened had the forum not been back online though.
Had hardly any sleep last night so I am tired today. I think it is safer not to eat though. I don't need anything else going wrong.
Karen xx
Glad you feel brighter today.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thinking Of You Karen,
Big Hugs,
Take Care,
Love PIP'S X X X X
Pippa.
Hi Karen, You are good, not bad and i care for you along for many others here! xxxJean
Hi Karen,
Glad you feel a bit better and have heard from K. Nothing will go wrong if you eat so I hope you can at least eat a little something.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you all so much - Piglet, Pips, Jean & Lisa.
Haven't eaten I'm afraid. I just can't. :(
Karen xx
Hi darling, any chance of an itsy-bitsy bit of food? or maybe some milk? Tell me to get lost Karen i don't get offended. xxjean
Jean, I wouldn't tell you to get lost [8)].
I haven't managed to eat. Don't have much here as I panic when there is food in the flat and I get rid of it.
I'm scared as I have to see my doctor tomorrow and I don't know what she is going to say if I have lost more weight. I'm also desperate to make it to my meeting with K on Wednesday but might not be allowed to go.
Don't know what to do. I've had enough of this fight.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Sorry you can't eat, is there really nothing you can manage a tiny bit of? You really have to try and eat something each day, even a little and I'm guessing the longer you go without food the harder it gets. Can the meeting with K motivate you at all? I still have raspberries in my garden, I wish I lived closer I'd bring them round.
I hope the doctors goes well tomorrow, let us know how it goes. Are you at the clinic at all tomorrow or are you going back to that group again?
Wow when did you arrange to meet K, I didn't know about that, last I heard you thought you wouldn't see her before she moves. I knew she wouldn't let you down though and am so pleased you can see her again.
Night sis, sleep well and hope you have a good day tomorrow.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks sis. I suppose it is partly not being able to eat because of the tremendous panic and self loathing I experience when I try, but also not wanting to eat because weight loss is still my ultimate aim.
For the first few days of fasting I do feel hungry and it is a struggle of wills between Edie reminding me of all I have to gain by losing weight, and my body trying to get some food inside me. By about day 4 I feel a sense of calm and the hunger passes. If I can get past that point without anyone forcing me to eat then I start to feel better.
Yes, I am at the clinic this morning - but there is no way I am staying this afternoon after Friday. I have too much to do this afternoon anyway.
I am also seeing my doctor today and I am a bit concerned. However, I know she is not in a rush to send me to hospital and I haven't lost that much in the past week (which is actually devastating for me :().
The meeting with K was arranged all of a sudden last week just prior to her going away, so I've not had much time to plan. I am travelling up tomorrow afternoon, staying in a hotel overnight (first time I've ever done that alone so it's quite scary [:O]), and then I am meeting her on Wednesday and travelling back after that.
Just had a thought this morning though about the time I will have to vacate the room on Wednesday morning. I am not meeting K until lunchtime and might be hanging around for a couple of hours with nowhere to go. I've had to email the hotel as it doesn't actually say on their website and I'm not sure what is usual for these things.
I can see I am going to need to pack half my wardrobe to take with me because the weather forecast says rain and I therefore don't know what to wear.
Karen xx
How exciting Karen :D
I think hotel rooms often like you to vacate about 10ish - anyway you can always go and take your car off and park it somewhere nice and sit and listen to the radio while you wait (presuming you are actually taking the car)!
Big hugs
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thanks Piglet
10ish [:O][:O]. Well that messes up my plans slightly as I am not meeting K until 12.30 and this hotel is only about 5 mins away.
I've emailed and hope they reply by the time I get home. It was because of some of the medical problems I'm experiencing at present that I wanted to be close to our meeting place so that I wouldn't have to leave where I am staying until just before we meet.
Don't know what to do now [Duh!]
How are you today? I'm just off to the clinic and if they try and push food on me today [}:)]
Karen xx
Hi Karen
I stayed in a hotel recently and didnt have to check out till 11. also we could sit in the hotel lobby until we got transport
Then we stayed in another place and as they didnt have the room booked for anybody else they let us stay in the room till 2 pm
Its worth ringing and asking if you can do that
Hope that helps
Pam x
Hi Karen,
I hope the clinic goes well today and the docs appt, let us know how it goes.
I think most hotels ask you to check out by 10am but they can vary, and some can be later, so it's definitely worth asking if you can have the room until later in the morning.
Thinking of you,
Lisa x
Argh :(:(:(
Why doesn't anyone reply to emails???
I emailed the hotel this morning to ask about the time I would need to vacate the room and no one has responded. It it is 10.00am then it's no good. Sitting in the lobby or any other public place would be just as bad as driving up on Wednesday morning and I might as well save the money I'm spending on a room for the night.
Don't know what to do now [Sigh...]
Thanks Lisa and Pam for replying. I want to look forward to Wednesday but so many things are going wrong.
As for the appointment with my doctor today... :(
Karen xx
Hi Karen
What happened at the docs? did you get on ok?
I find that ringing a hotel is the best thing. Quite often they dont answer emails.
Hope that helps
Pam x
Hi Pam
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I find that ringing a hotel is the best thing. Quite often they dont answer emails.
<div align="right">Originally posted by brenda - 11 September 2006 : 16:04:57</div id="right">
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Using the phone is one of the things I have a problem with though [Sigh...] That's why I was emailing.
I don't really even want to think about what my doctor said today. She is doing her best but there is nothing she can do to help really. She weighed me and I've lost weight again and she said my BMI means I am now at hospitalisation weight. If it drops below 13 then I'll be admitted, under section if necessary, and there won't be anything she can do to stop it happening.
Don't know what to do because I still can't eat :(:(:(.
I need help but not from hospital. She realises it is difficult and said if I had support from family it would probably help but I have no one here to help me :(.
Sorry. I am feeling very scared and can only see one way out that enables me to take control of what happens to me.
Karen xx
(((((Karen))))),
How annoying the hotel haven't answered your email. Can you manage to phone them at all? I know you hate using the phone though. Does their website say what times rooms must be vacated, some websites do say it on them.
I really don't know what to say about the docs appt sis. I can understand that she has a duty of care to you and if your weight slips too low she will have to act even if she doesn't want to for you own wellbeing. I was very shocked to see that 13 was the section weight and that you are near that. I somehow imagined a BMI of 16 was really low. Knowing how tall you are and what a BMI of 13 would be for your height, well I am just hoping you're not anywhere near that weight yet.
I know how scared you are of eating and I also know how scared you are of hospital but sadly the way you are losing weight the only way to stop hospital happening it to eat a bit and maintain your weight. Last year you were able to maintain just above the sectioning limit, can you try and do this again?
As we have all said before hospital is not the disaster and prison you might imagine and it would not be as bad as you think, people would still be able to contact you etc. I honestly can't imagine hospital being any worse than what you currently go through every day. Sorry if that's harsh, it's not meant to be. Believe it or not people do recover in hospital and we all so want to see you get better. I am so cross at the clinic for letting things get this bad and doing nothing to get you the right help and CBT therapy etc.
I can only guess what you mean by a way out that gives you control - nooooo sis :( this is NOT the answer, please do not even think like this.
We all love and care for you here, as does K, Meg and others.
How about chatting this all through with K on Wednesday, or seeing what Meg says?
Did your doctor have any advice for you and what you should do next?
How was the clinic today?
I feel so helpless, wish I could say or do more to help you. You are one special person karen and I don't want to lose you to this awful illness. I know somewhere deep inside you are strong and can fight this (Edie).
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I'm trying to build up the courage to ring the hotel although with how tired I am feeling at the moment I'm wondering if it might be better to just book another night anyway rather than driving back. Spending two nights in a hotel room will be rather lonely but I suppose I could take my laptop with me.
Your message was lovely sis and I do realise I have a lot of people here who care about me, as well as K and Meg. It's just that on a day to day basis I am not coping and the situation is getting worse. I am desperate for some help and support in person, but no matter what happens I can't even entertain the possibility of hospital. The clinic might not be an NHS psychiatric hospital but I've seen what the refeeding programme is like there and that's bad enough.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I was very shocked to see that 13 was the section weight and that you are near that. I somehow imagined a BMI of 16 was really low. Knowing how tall you are and what a BMI of 13 would be for your height, well I am just hoping you're not anywhere near that weight yet.
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 11 September 2006 : 16:44:40</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I am scarily close to having a BMI of 13. Today at my doctor's my BMI was 13.3 and that was fully clothed and wearing shoes. At the rate I am going I'll hit 13 within a week or two and that's why I am so terrified.
Last year I managed to stay just above 13.5 but now I am unable to maintain as I can't eat daily. I manage a couple of days when I eat and then I stop again. I'm feeling rather dizzy this afternoon too.
My doctor suggested eating a slice of banana every hour but all I could see were the calories and the fat it would put on me. And she wanted me to have that in addition to yoghurt and rice cakes. Most days I don't manage anything and on others it might only be a yoghurt, or even half of a small child sized pot.
Hopefully I will get to talk to K on Wednesday but I don't even know what she could say or do. I know what I'd like her to do but I also know it won't happen [:I].
Hospital is a fate worse than death for me and I don't know what else to say about it. I think Edie has won because I don't have any fight left in me.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you can sort the hotel problem out and either phone them or stay another night.
I know you need proper support and that's why I am soo cross with the clinic for not giving it to you.
I think your doctors suggestion of banana, rice cakes and yoghurt is good, there is no way eating those would make you put on weight, all three together are hardly any calories compared to what you need in a day and will not cause weight gain. Can you try and just start eating a little? any food will do.
I am concerned about your BMI being 13.3, that really is so low and you have lost so much weight again sis. You must know this is too low, I bet you look skeletal :(
Edie hasn't won, Karen can still fight back. Please give this some serious thought sis.
I really wish I could help more.
Huge thunderstorm starting here, so may have a powercut soon, often do here.
Bye for now, thinking of you,
Lisa x
<center>((((((((((((K))))))))))))</center>
Love Piglet xx
Thank you for your support Lisa and Piglet.
Lisa - I try to eat but I struggle to eat anything at all. Most of what I manage to buy ends up in the bin because I panic when faced with trying to eat it.
Eating one of those foods would be enough to cause me to panic let alone trying to have all three. I just don't want to eat, or at least I don't want to gain weight. I really can't explain how much terror that fills me with. I don't see myself as being even thin, let alone underweight or skeletal. Really I don't. I know what the numbers say but they don't tally with the way I see myself.
This really is too much of a struggle.
Karen xx
Wannabeloved85
11-09-06, 19:19
i went through a stage where every food i faced made me panic, feel sick etc. it was awful. i felt worse because i knew i had to eat. i just drank water, dad was mad cos apparently you cant live on just water! i felt worse for not eating, shaky and faint, sooo close to panic feelings that i would panic at the fact that i didnt eat. id try toast and that was terrifying! dry and crummy. in the end i built my way up from soup, vegatable soup first cos it was thinner than tomatoe soup or chicken etc.
I just thought id post about the food. hope it helps in some little way.
Take care
Becci x
Hi karen, on saturday night I took myself to a hotel, was supposed to be out at ten sunday morning, at that time just asked the cleaning lady if was OK for an hour as was tired and not sorted, not the way to do it i know, but she said had all romms to do, so mine was no different, and would wait, thinking and reading about you,xxxx
Alexis
xx
Thanks Becci. It's not the food as such, it is how I feel about my weight and panic that any food at all will cause me to gain weight. I appreciate your suggestion.
Thank you Alexis. I think I might ask when I check in. Somehow it is easier than making a call and then I won't be worrying about it until Wednesday morning.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I really wish I knew what to say to help sis. You really don't see yourself as you are that much is so clear. You need to eat as you must be desperately malnourished by now and you need to gain weight as you are dangerously underweight but I know you don't see it that way. I do worry where edies weight loss targets will stop. I also know that losing weight will not bring you the happiness you want, it's such a cruel evil illness, especially when it inflicts someone as lovely as you.
I really hope you can start eating a little bit soon. I know eating what your doctor recommended scares you but it's not possible to put on any weight with that small amount of food. Anyway I'll shut up as I doubt any of this helps you plus I don't want to upset you. I do try so hard to imagine what you are going through but I guess I can't fully understand as I've not had anorexia myself.
I'm not sure what time you're off to the hotel tomorrow so if I don't get to post again before you go I hope you have a lovely time with K and enjoy yourself. Will be thinking of you sis.
Night night, sleep well,
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Wannabeloved85
12-09-06, 10:55
hi karen,
Thats why i mentioned the food! i was 14 and at school and had to have tests etc cos i was loosing weight due to being nervous constantly and because id gone so long not eating, id panic cos i thought my nervous, not used to food stomach could take it. i was sent home a few times for being ill or looking ill! id be sick in the reception from nerves. it was awful. i cant imagine what your going for, but the human body needs fuel to work. im not going to type all the reasons as to why you should eat etc as im sure youve heard them all. im just trying to help the little way that i can.
My thoughts are with you
Take care
Becci x
I hope you manage to eat something hun - just think how pleased K will be if you do.
On a more practical note if you dont eat how will you have the strength to drive???
I seem to be one of those people who can't even miss one meal before I feel a big dip in my concentration and energy levels, so I find it scary to think you would set out on a journey being so weak. Please consider your safety mate and also that of others!!
Lots of love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you for the messages Lisa, Becci and Piglet.
I appreciate your support Becci thank you.
Lisa: Rationally I know it isn't possible to gain weight on the calories in the food my doctor suggested but somehow knowing that doesn't actually help me get past the anorexic thoughts and terrifying fears of what will happen if I do eat.
I know you care sis and are trying to help. You haven't upset me at all. I feel bad for causing such concern but I just seem to be caught in this trap that I can't escape from. Losing weight is all that I can think about and do.
As for targets, I don't know where they will end either. It is so very difficult to contemplate remaining at this weight, let alone the terror of gaining.
Piglet: Thanks for your reply. I think my body is used to being deprived of food and has compensated to a degree. Yes, I do tire easily and lack energy, and when I am in a fasting phase I hit a dip on about day 3 before I seem to find renewed energy and feel better again. Each time I push myself to get to that point.
However, I know I am about to undertake a longish drive and there is no way I would want to cause harm to anyone else. I have had a little something to eat, which is as much as I can manage, and there are motorway services about half way so I can stop there for a break and take the drive slowly.
My lack of food intake is increasingly coming under the scrutiny of the clinic and Julia spoke to me about having nutrition drinks this morning. I've looked up the calorie content of these before and they are over 250m calories each [:O][:O]. There is no way I can have them.
She told me to think about it until Thursday but said that they can't sit back and watch me turn up each time to the clinic looking more skeletal and ill. She told me today I look really very ill. I said to her that it is difficult for me because I don't see myself that way. I don't look ill to me and certainly not skeletal. I still see myself as being fat. I just can't get past that.
Anyway, I'm off shortly and am taking my laptop, so as long as I can get a decent mobile signal for my datacard I'll post later once I've arrived and settled.
Thanks for all the kind messages.
Karen xx
((((((((((Karen))))))))))
Wishing you a safe journey and a lovely time with K.
Do give some thought to what Julia says, it does sound like you're looking very ill now and I can imagine that at your current weight you must look ill and skeletel. I know you don't believe this but maybe it's time to trsut others opinions on this or maybe you can at least trust K's opinion on this? The nutrition drinks sound a good idea and I know you won't agree but 250 calories is nothing and will not make you gain weight. Your poor body must be crying out for nourishment and a drink would be a good first step back towards eating and contain alot of the nutrients you need. Please give it some thought.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Have a safe journey and let us know you get there ok.
Love Piglet x
Hi All
Just wanted to let you know I have arrived safe and sound. The drive wasn't too bad really although I got anxious the further into London I got, but I found the hotel without too much difficulty.
It's noisy here being so close to Heathrow and I think I left the sun behind in Sussex.
I managed to ask about staying in the room until midday tomorrow and I passed the signs for the National Trust place I am meeting K at so I don't think it is far from here.
Lisa - I know my body is not getting any nutrition hardly at all at present but the thought of so many calories in one drink is really scary.
I do trust K's opinion and will hopefully talk to her tomorrow but I still don't know how I can even drink something as fattening as that but Julia said it's either that or start eating more :(. She wasn't really giving me much of a choice.
At least I can just about get a signal here to get online. Just hope I don't run out of credit.
Karen xx
My mobile datacard signal keeps cutting off which is very annoying.
There is no Sky TV (which it said on the website there would be) and I had to struggle up a flight of stairs with my suitcase and laptop. I don't know how I made it really.
I just want tomorrow to hurry up and arrive so I can see K.
Hi Karen,
Well done for making it there and finding you way so easily, not many people would like driving alone in London so you did well.
Well done for asking about staying in the room until midday tomorrow - I assume they said yes?
I know the calorie issue must be so hard for you but you really do need to eat more or accept the drinks. Maybe you can give it some serious thought and talk it over with K tomorrow.
Hope your evening is ok and have a great time with K tomorrow.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thanks Lisa. I was anxious about driving but not panicky. It is more a worry about getting lost than anything and luckily the drive was all main roads and the hotel is right on the main road too.
I am trying to think what to do about the drinks or eating a little bit. I just don't know because when it comes to it I am not actually able to do it. But I think Julia is going to insist on one or the other.
When I came into the hotel room there was a tray with tea and coffee and it had biscuits on it [Sigh...]. I've had to put them out of sight. I know I won't eat them but I just can't stand having food anywhere near me either. I can't face eating anything else today. Don't know what I'll do about tomorrow.
Roll on bed time and tomorrow lunchtime when I meet K arriving.
Oh and yes, they did say it was ok about staying in the room until 12.00.
Karen xx
Thanks for letting us know you got there safe and sound.
Wow what a super little adventure - how massively brave are you!!!:D:D:D
Are there things to play with and <s>steal</s> acquire - can you make a cup tea and have a biscuit (even if you don't want to) are there shampoos, ooh ooh I would love all this, I am clasping my hands together at the very thought!! :D:D:D
You're a VIP just like me (a very important pig)!!!!:D:D:D
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi karen,
Just been reading through your post. Haven't been in touch with anyone on here for a long time, but felt I must reply to this post as I don't like that you're struggling so much.
I'm sure everybody else has gave you so much good advice and support already. I just wanted to tell you about one of my friends when I was at school. She suffered, initially, with bullimia, then anorexia.
She became so poorly that she was admitted to hospital and put on a drip to feed her. Why? She thought she was ugly, too fat, and not as good as everyone else. Yet she didn't see what I and everyone else saw. The most beautiful person I have ever met in my life. Not just looks but her personality too. She almost died because of what she believed to be true.
This was over 10 years ago, and she is fully recovered. Basically what turned her around was her attitude to food.
Food is the body's fuel, without it, the body can't function. Like a car. If you don't put petrol in it, it won't go.
You need to put food in your body Karen to survive. Its not there to make you fat. Its there to help your body function at its best.
Its making healthy choices with food that matters. To make your body the best and healthiest it can be.
I know its easy for me to say all this, but I do care what happens to you Karen. Maybe other people will beat around the bush, but you know if you carry on this way that you will become very ill. Maybe worse.
Food is not the enemy. It helps you live. Life is the most precious commodity of them all. Don't waste it sweetheart.
I know you can beat this, just keep up your positive thoughts. If you need to talk, just PM me, I'm always here.
Love Shell.xx
Hi Karen,
Glad you got there safely.
Just wanted to say hope you have a really lovely day tomorrow. And I hope K manages to get through to you a little too...
Anywa, have fun!
Tammy x
Hi Karen,
I hope you've had a good evening in the hotel and are managing to sleep ok.
Have a great time tomorrow with K, look forward to hearing about it.
Night sis,
Hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
I know I havne't posted in along, long time but I have been following your posts.
I hope you have a lovely time with K tomorow and that she can help you in some way..
Thinking of you always
Take care
Elaine x
Thank you Lisa, Piglet, Shelley, Tammy and Elaine. Your good wishes mean a lot.
Piglet: I don't feel very brave but I suppose I am braver at doing some things than others. It's stupid really that I can drive to London by myself but I can't convince myself to eat [Duh!]
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Are there things to play with and <s>steal</s> acquire - can you make a cup tea and have a biscuit (even if you don't want to) are there shampoos, ooh ooh I would love all this, I am clasping my hands together at the very thought!! :D:D:D<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 12 September 2006 : 18:48:15</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
LOL Piglet!! There is not much to 'acquire' - some shampoos and soaps I guess. I haven't touched the tea - I don't drink tea or coffee - and I definitely haven't touched the biscuits.
Maybe K can help encourage me to eat something a bit more healthy later. I don't know really. It isn't meant to be a therapy session and there is hardly anything, if anything at all, that I would consider eating.
Shelley - Thanks for telling me about your friend. I am glad she has recovered. I have heard the argument about my body needing fuel but somehow it doesn't make any difference. I feel so bad about myself that my body doesn't deserve fuel.
I had a disturbed night sleep, even with sleeping pills. I don't sleep well at the best of times and it is worse away from home.
Just passing time until meeting K now. I can't wait.
Catch up later.
Karen xx
PS What's happened to the sun????
I have a dilemma about what to wear now [8)] [Sigh...]
Big squeeze poppet and have a lovely day!!:D:D:D
You know you feel the cold so do your usual layering thing and then you take a layer off if it gets much warmer again.
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you Piglet. I can't wait for 12.30 to arrive. Just trying to pass the morning as quickly as possible.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">You know you feel the cold so do your usual layering thing and then you take a layer off if it gets much warmer again.
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 13 September 2006 : 09:46:52</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, I know, and I have brought a selection of clothing with me. The weather forecast says it is going to be 24 degrees and it is warm in this hotel room but it doesn't look warm out. I guess I am going to have to go armed with layers of clothes and then the sun will probably come out and I'll end up carrying everything round with me [Sigh...]
Two hours to go and I'll be there (hopefully!). I usually arrive wherever I am going early as I hate being late.
Karen xx
Just hoping you are having a lovely time :D:D:D:D
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
Been thinking of you today and I too hope you're having a lovely time and look forward to hearing how it went.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thanks everyone. I'm home safely.
Karen
I love you in place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
~The Carpenters~
Now we are having a major thunderstorm :(
Karen
I love you in place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
~The Carpenters~
Hi Karen
Did you have a good time today. You seem a lot more positive today, which is really good. Keep on smiling.
J
Hi sis,
Welcome home. Well done for managing the journey, the hotel and everything.
So how did the meeting with K go? I hope you had a great time.
We had a major thunderstorm on Monday night, tried to rain here a bit earlier but nothing much sadly.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Glad you're home now mate and I guess you have had to turn things off if you are in the middle of a thunderstorm, so I will check in again tomorrow to see how your day went.
Night night :D
Love Piglet x
Thanks for the messages. I didn't turn anything off in the storm which has passed now.
I don't know what to say about today. K was kind and it was good seeing her. But I drove half the way home in tears and can't stop crying tonight :(
Karen
I love you in place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
~The Carpenters~
(((((Karen)))))
Awww sis, I hope you feel better soon, a good cry is a good thing (although not when driving maybe). How you are feeling after seeing K is natural.
Did K have anything to say about your curent situation etc? or any advice?
Anyway I hope you had a nice time with her.
Night night,
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa.
I feel like I have nothing to carry on for now like it has all come to an end.
Karen xx
Have had a very bad night and I have been unable to sleep. Still feeling distraught and guilty at the same time. Just hope I don't start crying again at the clinic :(
I also feel like I am being forced to eat against my will. I have to eat breakfast this morning because it is weight day and I need to show that I've maintained - but I am panicking that what with eating regularly yesterday and then having breakfast this morning, there is going to be weight gain. Even that will start me off in tears again because on top of the fact that I am already feel so distraught I can't cope with gaining.
After this morning it is back to fasting again. I'm only eating in the hope that it will appear my weight/BMI appears unchanged.
I need K. I need to be with her again.
Karen
I love you in place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
~The Carpenters~
<center>(((((((K)))))))</center>
Love Piglet xxxxxxxxx
Hi Karen,
Sorry you had a bad night sis. I can understand you feeling upset after seeing K but you have nothing to be guilty about.
Well done for managing to eat yesterday :D That is brilliant news :D
Nothing has come to an end, yes ok K is moving soon and I know that will be hard for you but you will still be in touch with her on your other forum just like you are now and I'm sure you will be able to meet her again one day. There is everything to go on for still.
How did the clinic go today? Was anything discussed with Julia etc?
I really wish I could help you change your attitude to food, food is not the enemy at all, food is essential. All the time you want to keep losing more weight you will not start to get better. I don't mean to be harsh here but at some point you will have to accept that getting better means eating. You could get well and have a happy fulfilled life, the road Edie is taking you down is just making you more distraught and unhappy isn't it?
I really wish you could get get some proper help with this and how you think about eating/food. The clinic of course should have helped with this but if not then maybe reconsider private CBT if you don't get it on the NHS, anything that can help is worth a try.
Can you start by just eating a little more each day for now, not enough to gain weight but a little to nourish your poor body?
Did you give the drinks Julia suggested any more thought? Just trying to help as I like others here care about you so much :)
Did K have any suggestions on your current situation or how you could start eating more?
Anyway I hope you had a good day, thinking of you.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thanks for the hug Piglet.
Lisa - I know you are trying to help and it must be frustrating when I am not willing to make any changes. Food scares me because I will get fat.
I am not going to have those drinks and Julia didn't mention it today. Anyway, I've eaten far too much after yesterday and also eating today. I feel like I've binged and now I'm so tempted to take laxatives to get rid of it all. I wish I still have those diet pills too.
I need to lose more weight and today proves it. We had a session on body image. We each had to draw an outline of how we see ourselves on a large piece of paper on the wall. Then had to stand against the paper while Julia or Becky drew around us. Needless to say my drawing was bigger than the outline Julia drew.
However, the outline of my actual size was still very big and it confirms that I still need to lose weight. Whenever I eat all I can think about is all the calories I'm consuming and how fat I am going to get.
I still keep crying about K. I have this feeling that I won't ever see her again. I don't expect anyone to be able to understand really but from now until she is settled is going to feel like a lifetime to me. I need her so much.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I can understand how you feel about K moving, but it really doesn't mean you'll never see her again. I'm sure she will always be a friend to you wherever she is :)
You said "food scares me because I will get fat" That is a bit of a black and white statement and not true. I know you are scared but food does not have to make you fat. Food is 100% necessary in order to survive and be healthy. Ok too much food and too much high calorie foods can make gain weight but eating sensibly and regulary will not. Can you consider finding a low ish calorie limit and sticking to regular foods within that limit for now? That way maybe you will see it doesn't make you gain weight and then you can increase from there.
It's a shame you have dismissed the drinks as that would be a good start to getting proper nutrition into your body again and they don't contain enough calories to make you gain weight.
Well done for eating again today :D Please do not even consider the laxatives, you have been off them for so long and done so well - for which I am very proud of you.
The body image exercise sounded interesting. It just shows you see yourself much bigger than you are by the drawing you did. The outline that was real is not fat, it's just that you see it as fat when it isn't. Can you not just accept the possibility that your view of yourself is wrong? I mean you can't possibly really be fat at under 6 stone can you, especially when you are being told you look ill and skeletal? You really do not need to lose more weight sis.
Anyway I'll stop waffling, I doubt anything I say can help but I wish it could. I just keep trying to find something that will help or get through to you, sorry if I upset or annoy you, just say it because I care.
I hope you sleep better tonight, night night,
Hugs,
Lisa x
nomorepanic
14-09-06, 22:38
Karen
I am still thinking of you but just can't reply at the moment as my comments will not help you atall.
Just wanted you to know that I am still here for you if you need support but I just don't know what to say anymore and how to help.
I hope you sort it all out soon mate
Hugs
x
Nicola
Hi Lisa
You are not annoying or upsetting me. I do realise how hard it must be continuing to offer support when I just can't implement any of the suggestions.
The drinks to me are as bad as food as it still means taking in calories and I am already in a state of distress tonight having eaten for a couple of days. Just as it becomes easier to fast and starve myself the longer I do it, eating regularly can become a habit again and I don't want to eat. I don't know what else to say. Emotionally I cannot cope when I eat. I am a mess tonight and have had thoughts of harming myself.
I'm afraid I even resorted to laxatives again. I haven't abused laxatives for several months now but that's what eating has caused me to resort to.
Julia said it was 'interesting' that I immediately rationalised the difference in my drawing of myself and the real one by believing the real one to be too fat too. Apparently she thinks it is a way my mind is trying to protect itself from distress and she said I sounded more determined to keep going with weight loss after the exercise. I'm not sure that was the intended purpose of it. I am also scared that what I said today will be used against me at some point.
I can't explain how I am feeling about K. I feel a great loss and I am still distraught because of the feeling that I won't ever get another opportunity to see her again. I haven't heard from her today but feel bad because I wish that she had been in touch.
Sorry I'm causing so much trouble and letting people down. I vowed never to abuse laxatives again but I've failed. I also think I've eaten enough to last me a week and I have no intention of eating again for as long as I can get away with not having anything.
Karen xx
Thank you Nic. I appreciate that it is probably difficult to know what to say. I don't think anyone does anymore to be honest.
I thought when I had depression and anxiety that was bad enough to battle through but this anorexia is unbeatable. I don't think I'll ever be free of it.
I have had enough of feeling forced to eat in order to avoid hospital. Emotionally I feel so much worse because of it.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Just caught your reply before I logged off so thought I'd reply too. First you are not causing trouble or letting anyone here down ok. We just want the best for you.
I wasn't pleased to hear about the laxatives but I don't judge you or feel let down, just sad that you had to resort to that. Anyway it's happend now so can you just call it a blip and move on? It would be a real shame if you started to use them regularly again after being off them for so long.
I can see what Julia meant about the mind protecting itself from distress.
I think the mind in general protects itself from stress by finding something else to fixate on in order to stop it dealing with the real emotional issues - in your case it's food and weight etc which is not the real underlying problem.
I too really don't know what to say to help sometimes either, I think I have some understanding of anorexia now but I can't understand what it's really like as I've not suffered it. I just can't see how you will get better while you are so determined to not eat and still lose weight though. If you do get some help and CBT you have to be prepared to change for it to work and I sometimes don't feel you want to change (or shold I say Edie doesn't want you to), as you want to do the opposite to what is needed. I'm not trying to be harsh or attack you here as I know deep down you do want to get better and have made alot of effort at self help with some success. What I mean is that the anorexic voice doesn't want you to change and wants you to follow that path, am I right? You have to be stronger than Edie and trust yourself and the experts around you who know how to help as they can't all be wrong.
Edie hasn't brought you happiness so far has she?
Anyway I'll leave it there, I'll probably not sleep now and wish I'd not written this, nearly deleted it twice already! I really hope I've not upset you as I'd be mortified if I did but part of being a good friend is being honest and I know you'd be the same to me.
Huge hugs for my sis :),
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Firstly, you haven't upset me and there is no need to delete your reply. I'm sure most people who read what I write probably think that way. Anorexia is so difficult to treat because sufferers don't want to give up the anorexic behaviours. So although I want to get better I don't want to have to eat in order for that to happen. It's quite a dilemma.
I suppose the way CBT would need to help is by enabling me to find ways to challenge and change the beliefs about myself that led to the anorexia in the first place, rather than trying to change how I think about food first. I don't know really but just think that it won't help at all the other way round. I feel so bad and worthless that I don't really care about the damage I do to myself physically.
Hope you are right about the laxatives. I had to do something tonight to cope and to get rid of the food. I feel I have failed by giving in to temptation to purge.
Thank you Lisa. You are a true friend.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Thanks for being so understanding and realising what I meant.
I do understand it's quite a dilemma for you. I just like you so much that I want to see you get better and have a happy life and I can't imagine how I'd feel if anything happens to you because of this illness.
I think you're probably right about the CBT being needed to work on the thoughts and other issues before the food ones, I can understand how that may work - then again I'm no expert!
Just try and put the laxatives down to experience and a blip, you don't need to start them regularly again, in fact you could bin them [:O]. You haven't failed, it's no different to me having the occasional google ie I rarley do it but occasionally do and it's just a blip.
Right I'd really better get some sleep now,
Night sis, sleep well,
Love Lisa x
Thank you Lisa.
Well that will teach me to go back to abusing laxatives. I have been ill all day and only now is my stomach starting to settle a little [xx(].
At least I haven't been able to eat anything all day. Back to day one of a new fast.
Karen xx
<center>(((((((((((((((K)))))))))))))))))</center>
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you're feeling better today. I also hope you've realised that fasting is not good and that you need to eat something, even a little.
Big hugs, have a good day, been thinking of you while the site was down yesterday.
Lisa x
Hope you are feeling better today??
Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you Lisa and Piglet.
I have eaten something today and I feel terrible about having food inside me. I am feeling so panicky about it. I'll gain weight :(
Piglet - Yes thanks I am feeling better than yesterday but now am tempted to make myself ill again [Sigh...]
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Aww I know it must be hard but you will not gain weight just by eating a little. Well done for managing to eat :D.
Please do not make yourself ill, don't get back into that sort of abuse sis please.
Thinking of you, big hugs,
Sleep well tonight,
Love Lisa x
Hi Karen,
Are you ok today?
You're not posting much so just wondered how you are.
Thinking of you.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thanks for asking about me. I'm in the middle of yet another crisis. Things are so bad today that I don't know what to do or how to cope.
I have eaten terribly fattening foods and I am in so much of a panic. I woke this morning and couldn't get the thoughts out of my head - the battle between wanting to starve and thoughts of my weight and being admitted to hospital. Then food cravings.
So I took more laxatives thinking I could make myself too ill to eat and also get rid of what food I have been eating.
Only that didn't work. I took 20 but they didn't have much effect. So more panic and then I ate more and I can't gain weight. I just can't cope with it so I need to get rid of the food. Now I've just taken another 40 laxatives :(:(.
This is all getting out of control now. I was fine until I started to be pushed about eating and threatened with hospital. I was fine when I was not eating at all. Now it has all gone wrong and I hate myself. I truly think I am a greedy, fat pig and I deserve to cause myself serious harm :(:(:(.
I'm going to be so ill probably once that second lot of laxatives kick in [xx(]. I haven't done this for months. Distress over everything that is happening is causing me to do even more self destructive things to myself.
Karen xx
Oh karen I just don't know what to say to help you
You know all of us here are rooting for you and want you well.
i wish I could be there and give you a hug and support you.
I'm praying that you will get some help as you so desperately need it.
Keep posting and let us know how you are.
Hugs
Pam x
Thank you Pam.
I feel so awful I just want to die. How could I eat so much? My life might as well be over. I want to die.
Karen xx
Oh I just wrote a long post to you and it was lost when I tried to send it.
I wanted to say that I feel so sorry for you.
I have 2 daughters one about your age and I would hate to see them alone and in need of comfort like you are at the moment.
Try and keep your fluid intake up that will stop you getting a headache from being dehydrated after your trips to the loo.
I dont know much about your illness but suppose that my anxiety must be similar in some way to how you are feeling. I cant imagine what life would be like without my anxiety.
Take care and keep in touch
Hugs
Pam x
I am going offline for a while now but will be back online later and will check to see if you have replied.
Hugs
Pam x
I'm trying to make myself sick by drinking salt water. Have also been hitting myself again.
I really need to get rid of this food.[xx(]:(:(
Pam - Thank you for caring. This is all my own fault.
Karen
I love you in place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
~The Carpenters~
((((((((((Karen)))))))))),
Oh sis I really feel for you right now. I so wish I could say something to help you see that none of the things you think are true.
You are not fat and greedy, you don't need punishing etc, I wish you could see this.
I really hope you won't be too ill, it concerns me just reading how many laxatives you took (not because I have health anxiety but because of what it will do you your poor body). Please don't take any more and just drink plain water not salt water. Stop hitting yourself too, there is no need for that sis, you are a lovely wonderful person.
Your life is not over, I know what's happened has upset you but it really is not the end of your life however bad it feels. I just wish something we could say could get through to you. Even if you did eat something high calorie you won't just suddenly put on weight, one day will make no difference.
Anyway I'm not feeling good or thinking straight so I'll leave it there as I doubt I'm making much sense right now!
Thinking of you, try and be kind to yourself sis please.
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Thank you for trying to help. I am just so distressed right now that I don't know what to do.
Nothing is working. The first lot of laxatives had a bit of an effect but the second lot could take hours yet and I just want to get rid of what I've eaten. It was so stupid.
The salt water isn't working either. I can't vomit (sorry [:I]) and I need to. Have been hitting myself to punish myself for what I've done today.
I have to see my doctor tomorrow and be weighed and I'm going to be so distraught to see how much weight I've gained. I can't do this anymore. I just want it all to stop. I don't want to live because it will always be like this :(.
Sorry sis.
Karen xx
Hi ya mate,
I have just tried hitting myself to see what it was like and made myself cry :(:(:( well actually no I didn't but I made myself bloody angry and was lucky not to beat myself up very badly!! I'd give over with that if I were you!
Sweetheart you are not fine when you are not eating - you may feel in control but at a very big price. Your body must have been crying out for some food for you to have binged - don't take anymore tablets now or you are gonna have one hell of a night in the loo!
Your body is like a car (here we go [Sigh...]) and your brain is like the driver, you need to start driving with more petrol in the tank or you're gonna conk out mate.
You can have one of my special squeezes that allows you to binge once in awhile without the world coming to an end - I know this one works because I have tried it after a very big pringle episode a few times!!:D
<center>(((((K)))))</center>
Love Piglet xx
Wise words there from Piglet :D
Please tell your doctor tomorrow how bad you feel and how current events are making you feel worse. You do not have to be like this forever, you can get better, there is still hope.
I'm sure you won't have gained weight when the laxatives kick in, although most of us know you need to gain weight and have fuel in your tank (as Piglet so cleverly put it).
THinking of you,
More hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa and Piglet.
I wouldn't recommend drinking salt water. It certainly made me feel sick but didn't do anything to help me get rid of the food [Duh!]
Piglet - Please don't try hitting yourself again. This is a longstanding method of coping I've had for years but I haven't done it for some time; not since having anorexia really but today I just couldn't find anything that took away my emotional distress.
I don't know what happened today. Maybe it is the result of denying myself food but it is strange that it happened after a few days of eating. When I am starving myself consistently I get to the point when I don't even want to eat anymore and that's where I need to get back to now.
I don't have anymore laxatives here to take but these ones haven't worked yet. Either the food is refusing to budge or I am going to be up all night when they do finally work [xx(]..
Although I am trying to convince myself that this binge is not like when I was bingeing regularly before, as I didn't binge on the foods I would've binged on then, I still feel bad about what I have eaten.
Lisa - I guess I don't need to worry about having lost weight when I am weighed tomorrow but that's bad news for me and no consolation for the way I am feeling now.
My doctor won't be too happy about the laxatives either.
Things are getting worse and I haven't even reached what is going to be the most difficult time for me yet.
Thank you for the squeeze Piglet.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
The salt water must be horrid. I have only gargled with it after dental work and for throat infections and that was bad enough - yuk!
I am glad you have no more laxatives, please don't buy any more either.
You do not need to get back to starving yourself consistently, no sis that's not a good aim. As Piglet said you need fuel to survive! I really wish you could realise this is true. Eating food is good and normal, you need to work on being able to accept eating a little (which will not cause weight gain). It doesn't even sound like you had a proper binge today anyway, just that you managed to eat more which is good.
I hope you can talk all this over with your doctor tomorrow and I hope she can help somehow. Please tell her everything and how it's affecting you.
I hope you're not too ill with the laxatives later - and don't say you deserve it because you don't!
Thinking of you, wish I could help, I feel so helpless hearing how you are feeling and not being able to help.
Night sis,
Hugs,
Lisa x
Morning Karen,
How are you this morning? I hope you're weren't too ill last night with the laxatives.
I hope the doctors appointment goes well today, tell her everything and how bad you feel and why you have resorted to laxatives again, she may be able to help you never know.
Have a good day, thinking of you,
Big (((((Hugs)))))
Lisa x
Thank you for your replies Lisa.
I have been awake since 2.00 this morning because of the laxatives and therefore I am so tired. I also have a migraine and you are right about the salt - I can't get the taste out of my mouth [xx(].
Although I started to get up and ready to go to the clinic, really I feel too tired and my stomach is still hurting so I have phoned in and said I'm not going in today.
Hopefully I'll feel a bit better for my doctor's appointment this afternoon. I'm going to try to sleep.
I do need to starve though. I weighed myself this morning and have gained a kilo [:O]:(. I need to lose it again and quickly. I can't believe I was so stupid to eat like that yesterday. I've ruined everything :(:(:(.
Karen xx
Will check in again later to see how you go at the doctors.
((((((K))))))
Love Piglet xx
Me too. hope it goes OK for you
Lots of hugs
Pam x
Thanks Piglet and Pam.
I'm not entirelly sure how I am going to make it to the doctor's at the moment. My appointment is at 2.00 but I'm still dashing to the bathroom fairly regularly [xx(][xx(].
Definitely made the right decision not to go to the clinic today. I feel too ill and too tired.
This reminds me why I was so determined to get off laxatives last time so I need to make an even greater effort to get back to my fasting plan.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Hope you made it to the doctors, look forward to hearing how it went.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Lisa
Yes, I just about made it to the doctor's. The diarrhoea appears to have stopped now but I am still left with the stomach cramps and I feel sick [xx(].
I think even my doctor is convinced that I will end up in hospital :(. I told her how I have been feeling and also about yesterday and the laxatives. She just said ‘Oh dear, this isn’t working’.
She also said that I am still borderline for hospital admission even though I am totally devastated that I have gained a kilo since yesterday - although her scales said 0.5 kilo so maybe the laxatives have done something.
She more or less said that if I don’t maintain then I’ll be in hospital. I can’t stand this.
Then she said that there is no point me going to see her every week if nothing is changing. Maybe she is giving up too and I can avoid seeing anyone official after I finish at the clinic and then I can do what I want regarding food and not eating.
Karen xx
I have really had enough of this now. It seems I spoke too soon about the diarrhoea stopping. As soon as I get back into bed I need to go back to the bathroom again (sorry [:I]).
This is entirely my own fault. I feel like its never going to stop. I feel so ill and tired and shivery. Serves me right for eating and for using laxatives.
Karen
I love you in place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
~The Carpenters~
((((((((K)))))))
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen
It feels so frustrating reading all of your messages, wishing that there was a way that you could get better. I just wished that I had a magic wand and I would use it just for you. When I was 18 I had a big problem with the way I looked and I used to look in the mirror all the while. what started as a few minutes each day, ended up being about 8 hours a day, I was just trying to destroy myself. I just couldn't function as an adult and I didn't think that I could go on and many a times I thought my life was all but over. but I did go on. With help from my parents and my Doctor. I got through this. It took a long while, but I made it through. My trouble now is if I have a problem, I don't know how to solve, I get obsessed by it and I spend all my time thinking about it, morning and night. This normally happens every 3 years. Things that normaly stress people out like Interviews and exams, I don't get nervous at all. I think am starting to go on too much now. What I am trying to say is, I know what it is like told everything is ok, but not believing it. The way people tell you to eat, is similar to the way people told me I looked ok, I just didn't believe them. Starving yourself isn't the answer and I think you know that, but If I can get better so can you. I am going to buy a magic wand tommorow and I will make that wish.
J
Paddington
19-09-06, 12:48
Hello Karen,oh dear whata sorry state u are in,I am not going to mince my words sweetie .IF YOU DRINK SALT WATER YOU WILL DIE!It is very dangereous to your organs to have too much salt in your blood .You must drink lots of plain water hun,to flush it out of your system.Did you tell the dr you had drunk salt water?That is the quickest way to get yourself taken into hospital Karen!Quite frankly i think your dr shoud be firmer with you.You need someone to take control for you karen before it is too late.You must be feeling ghastly with all that muck inside you!The self hatred needs to be treated before anything else will resolve its self.The self harm is so indicative of deep self loathing but also despair,i know this as i do it too hun,I have not told others but feel i must tell you so you dont feel so alone with it.I do know where the urge comes from; deep in your solarplexus!I did it on holiday,i was so consumed with the fatbody sitting ,hiding ,crying behind a wind break,that i started to bash my head against the wall!Adam was horrified and took me back to the flat,a snivveling wreck!I have done this on and off since i was 17!!!NOW,i want you to tell the lot to julie or some one else in authority so they can get you some phsychatric help.This is what you need ,the food is a red herring!You are an intelligent woman,you know your body cant take much more you KNOW where this will lead.I know you dont want to die ,you WANT TO GET WELL.It is the anorexia and all that is associated with low self esteem that want to be dead!When i was crying ' i wish i was dead'on the beach,in that moment ,yes i wanted it to stop,But today i am glad i didn't die.Itis the self loathing that makes you starve and me binge.SO we need to change our self perception,[have not workrd thatone out yet!]I am tring very hard to eat healthily and make my body well,you must do this too!This is not going to be easy but nothing worth having is sweetie,and YOU are worth fighting for!YOU HEAR ME YOUNG LADY!!???Get yourself some thin soup to start with.That is all i am asking ,it is nourishing but not too heavy.Baxters vegatable will do.I will check back and see how you manage with this .Eat a little thru the day[and night too if need be]it is warm and soothing to your poor tum,comfort food without a price tag!!i.e. few calories!!;) Love as ever,mary rose.xxxxxxxxxxxx
we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore
How's it going today?
Love Piglet x
Hi Karen,
Hope you're ok today, thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Karen
Getting a bit concerned as we havent heard from you today
if you dont feel like writing a long reply just say you are OK
I agree with Mary Rose. You do need more help to get you through this. All of us here want you to get well and I'm sure you would like to feel better than you do.
i think all of us find it hard to change and get so caught up in our thoughts and feelings and don't think about it logically.
Our thoughts aren't logical but that doesnt help us get over them.
The only way things change is if we do something different. take small steps at a time. Just one small change and keep at it.
Try and have some vegetable soup something to keep your body going.
Hope to hear from you soon
Hugs
Pam x
Karen has asked me to let you know that she is ok but can't get online at the mo!!
Hope you get it sorted soon mate.
Love Piglet xx
Thanks for the information Piglet. If you are in touch with Karen tell her I'm thinking of her.
Hope you're back soon Karen.
Lisa x
Thank you for all the messages and thank you Piglet and Lisa for the texts.
I'm back online. Seemed to have been a problem with my router.
Karen xx
Hi Karen
How have you been? we have missed you.
Hope you have been coping Ok with out the computer and glad you have it sorted out now.
Let us know what you have been doing and how you are today
Love
Pam x
Glad to see you're back :D
Piglet xxxxxxxxxxx
Welcome back Karen :D.
Hope you're doing ok.
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa, Piglet and Pam.
I had a terrible day yesterday at the clinic. More threats of hospital admission but there are no eating disorder facilities locally and no funding to send me anywhere. So that would mean being sent to the local general psychiatric unit which is not going to help.
Julia made loads of health threats but they don't affect me. I really don't care. Sorry but it would solve my problem if what she said were true.
She said a lot of things which really hurt and made me feel to blame for not making progress or getting better.
I have tried to eat something today but it just made me ill again. My stomach hurts and is so bloated and swollen. I should've continued starving myself.
Karen xx
nomorepanic
20-09-06, 22:31
Karen
You will be swollen and bloated if you don't eat mate.
You feel ill eating because you are so ill. You really really need hospital help here and you need to think about what u want to do long term.
Nicola
Thank you for your reply Nic.
I think this might still be related to how ill I made myself with laxatives I took Sunday. Since the effects of them on Monday this is the first time I have tried to eat a little.
I am so distressed that everyone I talk to tells me I need to be in hospital when it is still the last place I want to be. I have thought very carefully about what I want long term and I don't see how being forced to gain weight and then discharged with all my original problems is going to help at all.
Julia expects some answers and decisions tomorrow and I have none to give her. I still don't think legally she can do anything when my BMI is over the level where I can be forced into hospital. This bloating also gives a false weight reading.
I don't know what else to say. Julia did more or less admit that they had made mistakes with my treatment and that anorexia is too serious to be treated entirely by day programme only. That just makes me feel more hopeless about everything.
Karen xx
Another bad night. I've been up and down all night running to the bathroom and still has stomach pains this morning [xx(][xx(]. I'm sure this was triggered by the small amount I had to eat last night as I was ok until then.
This morning I am so tired. I am up because I am due in at the clinic for the morning but all I want to do is sleep. I am also so scared what is going to be said today :(.
I can't even drink water without the diarrhoea starting again.
Karen
I love you in place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
~The Carpenters~
Let us know how you get on at the clinic today.
Thinking of you.
Love Piglet :)
xxx
Paddington
21-09-06, 10:30
thinking of you Karen,i dont know whatelse to say to be honest!The decision has to come from you hun,i guess!?Hope it goes ok at he clinic for you too.Oh the tum ache is because of the laxatives not the little you ate.They irratate the lining of the gut,makes it go into spasm,so it will play up for a while after the initial overdose.You arein my heart Karen ,i wish i could steer you toward a safe haven.love Mary rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxx
we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore
Hi Karen,
I hope you feel better by the time you read this.
I hope the clinic goes ok today, do let us know how it went please. If hospital is looking more likely maybe it is time to seriously consider it and realise you need serious help now, before it's too late. I only say that as I care and like everyone here we desperately want to see you get better. I agree the clinic have not provided you with what they said they would initially. I also agree that being admitted and fed up isn't the answer, you need some help to work on the issues that have caused this in the first place (although you do need to work on food/weight issues aswell of course). Whether these issues can be worked on as an inpatient or outpatient I don't know but I know you desperately need some help and the sooner the better. Aww sis I wish you could get the help you need.
It's hard to know what to say to help, wish there was something I could say or do that would actually help you.
Thinking of you today,
Hugs,
Lisa x
Just wondering how today went???
Piglet xx
Thank you for your messages Piglet, Mary Rose and Lisa.
I am in such a panic about the way things are being taken out of my control and I also feel so bad that I feel I am to blame for not being better by now. Whatever I say I am told I am just making excuses, or that the anorexia has taken over completely and I am not able to make rational decisions for myself.
It just seems that now the final week is approaching before I am due to be discharged suddenly Julia is scaring me with talk of hospital and the fact that she says I am too ill to be safely discharged next week, but when I ask her what that means if there is no funding for an eating disorder unit inpatient stay she says she doesn’t know.
I know I am not helping myself really because my weight had dropped again today back to what it was a week ago and also my blood tests from last week were not too good with my potassium and liver function being out of normal range. After the number of laxatives I took on Sunday I dread to think what this week’s blood results are going to be like – the results usually come back on Friday morning.
Julia keeps pointing out that I am at risk of a heart attack, even to the point where she told me not to go to sleep lying on my front, whereas all I can think is that it would be a welcome escape from all that is going on.
She told me that I am now unable to recover without intensive treatment and monitoring. She said I have demonstrated with my weight loss that I am unable to eat by myself or to maintain a safe weight. According to their records I have lost 2.4 kg in the past 4 weeks. I don’t think that is a lot really.
Anyway, all of a sudden she is taking action and I am dreading tomorrow. I am not even usually at the clinic on a Friday but I have to go in a 10.00 for a meeting with Julia and my social worker to discuss what happens next. Julia seems adamant that I need to be admitted and the preferred treatment centre by this health authority is one in Bromley, which is miles from here. I don't understand because it is a privately run hospital so why send me all that way? The problem with eating disorders is that there are no specialist NHS treatment centres in this area and if there is no funding then there is little hope of recovery.
I hope really that there is no funding and that I can’t be admitted anywhere, although I do realise that I am not getting very far trying to deal with this at home by myself. I just about manage to eat when I have support from someone I trust, like when I managed a little when I met K last week, but by myself I can’t maintain it. I am unable even to keep any food in the flat most of the time.
Then tomorrow afternoon I have to see the clinic psychiatrist. I am in such a panic about all of this. The last time I saw him he told me to gain weight but I’ve carried on losing more and he was talking about decisions being taken out of my hands then. Julia said this is not a Mental Health Act assessment but she also said it is obvious I don’t know what to do next or what is best for me so unless I start to let other people make decisions for me voluntarily then I will be forced.
To make things worse, as I have to be there all day tomorrow Julia said she is telling me that I will eat a meal there and she is not giving me any choice in the matter now. Then she said that she will be expecting me to eat meals there from now on so they can see that I am eating. This is where everything went wrong in the first place when I was forced to eat unhealthy meals. Plus she said I will be expected to eat snacks while I am there too. This is all too much to cope with when I don’t want to eat anything, let alone cooked meals that I don’t have any choice over :(.
I am in such a state about all of this. The only way I can deal with it is by reminding myself that one way or another I am being discharged from there in a week and then I can set about losing any weight they force me to gain. I’ll also have to be even more determined not to eat on the days I don’t attend to make
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I am in such a state about all of this. The only way I can deal with it is by reminding myself that one way or another I am being discharged from there in a week and then I can set about losing any weight they force me to gain. I’ll also have to be even more determined not to eat on the days I don’t attend to make up for all the food they will be force feeding me. My stomach won’t be able to cope with such a sudden increase of food.
Karen xx
<div align="right">Originally posted by Karen - 21 September 2006 : 18:44:29</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
If you do this how will you ever get better and seriously what do you think the eventual outcome is going to be of these actions!
Love Piglet x
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">If you do this how will you ever get better and seriously what do you think the eventual outcome is going to be of these actions!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 21 September 2006 : 18:56:09</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't know Piglet. But how can they seriously expect me to be able to cope with this kind of refeeding in one week and at the end of that time I might be left with no help at all?
I have been attending there for months and although I would've hated it at the time, I just think why wasn't I treated as an inpatient while I had funding? Now I face either being sent miles from where I live, or if I manage to escape admission then I have no support set up at all.
It is too late for them to start doing this to me now :(.
Karen xx
Well perhaps one of the reasons you haven't had inpatient treatment before is that you have always been so vehemently against it and thus far everybody has gone along with this, including your doctor.
It's never too late mate to start a new way of thinking, or give up old destructive ones. Of course its not easy or none of us would be here on this site now, as we'd all be living life marvellously with not an anxious bone in our bodies.
We do have to start somewhere however and maybe to break the cycle you're in more intensive treatment is needed. The people around you do have a duty of care to you and it would be morally wrong for them to watch you just fade away and not attempt to save your life.
Love Piglet xx
Hi Piglet
Inpatient treatment for the clinic has never been discussed though. It was never even mentioned when I originally went for my assessment and was expecting that that was what was going to happen.
It is true that I have and still am against it and my doctor doesn't believe it is the answer either.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">We do have to start somewhere however and maybe to break the cycle you're in more intensive treatment is needed.<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 21 September 2006 : 19:19:25</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
There is unlikely to be any funding anyway so it's academic really. I suppose luckily for me there are no NHS eating disorder units here.
I'm panicking so much about the amount of food they are going to make me eat in the next week. Who realistically eats two main meals and two puddings every day, as well as snacks in between???
Karen xx
Hi Karen
You really need to get the help you need. It may be difficult, but there is no alternative. There is only one way it will go if you don't and nobody wants to see this happen, because you have a heart so big it would block out the sun. The world needs people like you. Everyone here has your best interest at heart, we care about you and we have seen your messages of support you have given everyone. Now it is time to look after youself Karen, you deserve this, you really do. You have to opportunity to change and it is really important that you try, please will you try.
J
Hi Karen, Please forgive me for not speaking with you for a while.....Oh my dear friend, what is happening eh? Have no advice, other than let people help you, we need you here, you want to be here, they want to help, yes my darling it will be hard.. let someone look after you and advise you to get you on the way...then and only then you can take over and it will be onwards and upwards. I can only begin to imagine what you are feeling, i know there are a lot of us here who care for you, you can and will do this....sorry if i have gone over the top (as usual)....You have always been here for me and i expect the advice from you to continue for many years yet!!!! xxxJean
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> because you have a heart so big it would block out the sun. The world needs people like you.
<div align="right">Originally posted by smithjam1 - 21 September 2006 : 20:56:42</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Karen,
I just wanted to make sure you and everyone else saw these words. They are oh so true.
We all want you to be strong, Karen. Please go along with the advice however painful.
Thinking of you tomorrow.
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Hi Karen,
Aww sis, how hard all this is. It's hard for me to know just what to say to you to help.
Like others I think the time has come for you to accept you may have to go with whatever help is offered in order to get better. I understand your fears but you are very sick now and the way you are heading I can sadly only see it getting worse. I just hope I'm wrong. Even you said what you're doing isn't helping you now. I know you've tried to help yourself but sometimes we need extra professional help and that isn't a sign of weakness. I don't want to lose my sis, we all need you here, the world is a better place with you in it. You are one of the nicest people I have ever come across and I genuinely truly mean that.
Change and facing our fears is scary, I really know that. I don't want to do all of what my CBT lady says, inside part of me wants to fight it as the voice in my head thinks it knows better but I have to trust the experts and realise I have to try and do what they say if I truly want to get better. Maybe you can consider doing the same?
I know what you are facing is far harder than anything I have to face right now and I only used my situation as an example but you can do whatever it takes, we are all behind you 100%. I know you can be so determined and if you use that to get better who knows what you can achieve.
I don't think just refeeding is what you need (although you clearly need to gain weight and nourish your poor body too), you need intensive therapy of some kind. I just pray you get some sort of help before it's too late.
You really are ill sis, the low potassium can genuinely be dangerous, it's not a scare tactic by Julia, this is real and serious.
I hope the clinic goes ok tomorrow, please let us know what happens, will be thinking about you lots and with you in spirit holding your hand tight. Please give everything that's said serious thought, your life is precious and worth fighting for, you could recover and help others even, you'd be so good at that.
Hope I haven't said anything to upset you sis, you know how much I care and I only speak out of concern and care for you.
Night night, sleep well,
Love and huge (((((hugs)))))
Lisa x
I don't know what to say. I am truly overwhelmed by all the responses on my thread tonight. Thank you so much to all of you who have replied and other people that read but don't post.
I've been seriously thinking about my situation tonight and I am beginning to realise that maybe the only way I can ever get better is to agree to admission. Sadly I might have come to this conclusion too late when it may well no longer be a possibility.
All the messages here, some wise words from Meg and the discussions I have been having with K have been making me think quite a lot. I am terrified and I think it would be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but maybe with support I could get through it. I've been reliably informed by Meg that the eating disorder unit that Julia mentioned has a very good reputation but it all comes down to funding once again.
Deep down I know the anorexia has such a tight hold on me now that I don't think I will ever break free by myself. I am already planning ways of counteracting the food they are going to make me eat at the clinic over the next week so I know once I am discharged from there that I'll continue starving myself.
I guess it all depends on what happens tomorrow now.
I just want to say thank you to you all. I would just keep running and ignoring the problem on my own.
Karen xx
Oh Karen, reading that has made me so happy, made my day :D. I was just off to bed but had to reply.
You are one brave lady, I'm so proud of you for starting to change how you think about all this. That takes so much courage.
It's never too late to accept help, if you tell the clinic that you are willing to accept help they may even be able to push for it if you're more willing.
It's good Meg knows this clinic that may be a possibility and that it has a good reputation:D I know you will be scared if this goes ahead but you CAN do this, you really can. You will still have support from your friends, especially K and Meg I'm sure. There's no doubt it would be one of the hardest things you ever do but yes with support you can do it.
Good luck tomorrow,
Night sis,
Lisa x
Thanks sis.
A tough day awaits tomorrow I think but I want to have some choices and if I leave things much longer all choice will be taken away.
I also trust the friends I come to know and particularly K and Meg. I have a lot of thinking to do when I really out to be trying to sleep [|)].
Will let you know what happens tomorrow.
Night sis.
Karen xx
Hi sis,
I am doing too much thinking about things tonight too and I also should be sleeping. My brain is on overdrive as I feel inspired to change.
Tomorrow may be tough but you can do it. Will be thinking of you and waiting to see how you got on.
Right I'm really off to bed now,
Night sis, sleep well.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Karen,
What a touching post from last night - hun I honestly think you have turned a massive corner (you know my opinion on corners ;) the nice thing about corners lots of times there arn't workmen behind them but lovely shops with fantastic sales going on).
You've picked just the right corner to turn and I want to squeeze you right now.
(((((((K)))))))
This really is a massive breakthrough.:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you and wish you every success today.
We are all behind you and depending on what happens next will all be finding ways of keeping in touch with you even if that is snail mail.
Lots of love :D
Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Karen
I have never replied to your thread before today but have been reading for sometime now - and think of you daily.
Think the reason I haven't replied is I just haven't known what to say as I have no experience of your problems - but today I just wanted to say something - I do hope that you get the help you need and so desparately deserve - and was pleased to hear you say that you may go for treatment - I know how difficult this is for you to admit - I am the same with other things in my life.
Karen you are such a very very special person - I have seen the help and advice you have given so many other people here - some of your answers to others have helped me in the past and I know that the world would be a much worse place without you.
Anyway just wanted to let you know someone else is thinking of you today.
Kath
marie ross
22-09-06, 09:55
Karen,
Just wanted to say i am thinking of you today - I hav'nt been around for a while but i always come on here and see how you are doing.
Take care you are a special person.
Marie XXX
Hi Karen
Just wanted to say hope all goes well today
Just remember all thing work together for your good.
If you can go along with the decisions they make today you will get better I'm sure of it.
I hope you get offered the help you need even though it will be hard for you.
YOu are a very strong person even tho you dont think so.
I think I would have collapses in a heap having to deal with wha tyou have been through..
Thinking of you today. Let us know how you get on and if you do have to go into hospital we will try and keep in touch somehow
Love and Hugs
Pam
Hi Karen,
Thinking of you today, I know it will be tough but hope it goes well.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you for all the messages and well wishes - thank you Piglet, Lisa, Kath, Pam, Jean, Marie for your messages today, and for everyone that posts here.
I don't know what to say really, except that I am totally disillusioned with the whole system and I cannot keep up with the way professionals keep changing their minds. I've spent more time in tears today than ever and I still have no formal treatment plan in place. The only certainty is that I will be discharged from the clinic next Friday.
As I posted last night, I had finally decided that no matter how hard it would be I think I probably do need to go to a specialist EDU for a while because I am unable to fight this alone at home any longer. Typically though, as soon as I have been persuaded to give it a go in a final attempt to get better, there is no help available.
When I had the meeting with Julia and my social worker this morning, my social worker said that they plan to go ahead with day support - what day support? There is a possibility of one morning at a women's group and one hour a week seeing my social worker (whom I have no trust in anyway) and that's it.
The psychological therapy assessment I went for have reported back saying there could be a possibility of some sort of therapy at some time in the future, but only if I have a daily support structure in place. I don't and this kind of support does not appear to be available.
I was panicking about even mentioning inpatient treatment but when I finally did find the courage to ask, I was told that there are no eating disorder facilities in this area (and apparently no funding to be sent to a specialist centre) and therefore I would only be admitted if I became ill enough to be considered at risk of death, and that would be to either a medical ward for a few days to stabilise me and if necessary to the local general psychiatric ward for a short time for refeeding. This is my WORST nightmare.
Julia seems to have changed her mind now about the fact that I am ill enough to need inpatient treatment for my anorexia and is now saying that I can get better on my own at home with just the community team for support. I don't get what is going on [Sigh...]
Then I saw the psychiatrist this afternoon. He said my current weight loss is just a 'slight setback' due to my worry about being discharged and that I will recover enough again once I have adjusted. I don't think that's true to be totally honest. I have been determined to lose weight for months now and they are giving me the freedom to continue.
So he confirmed my discharge date for next Friday and is now leaving things in the hands of my social worker. And no one seems to understand why I am upset and still scared stiff of what is going to happen next. Nothing is sorted still.
I really feel like taking all of this out on myself. I feel like doing self destructive things to myself because really I just give up. Julia has been scaring me for the past two weeks about admission and then as soon as I come to terms with the fact that perhaps this is the help I do need the possibility is taken away again. Going to a general unit for refeeding is not going to help. If I am going into inpatient treatment it needs to be at a hospital that specialises in treating eating disorders but I have told there is no chance of that happening.
What is the point??? I received more help and support today from the two other patients on the EDU today than from any of the staff. It is the only way I have managed to get this far through the day. My future now looks very bleak :(. Sorry this is so long.
Karen xx
Oh Karen
Good on you for making that decision last night. I smiled so much when I read your previous post, you are so so brave.
Once again though it seems the system is not backing you.
What you needed today was someone to say ok, that's what we will do. I'm so sorry this didn't happen.
Don't give up just yet though... I'm sure there are plenty more options to look into know that you have decided.
Please be nice to yourself today and remember how proud we all are of you for trying and going through what you did today.
Don't give up Karen. You have made the important decision, now it's just about getting the powers that be to recognise this as the huge step it is and do something.
Take care.
Tammy x
Hi Karen
So sorry you didnt get the help you thought you would get today.
Its a shame that there is no money there to help you get what you need.
I'm wondering if you could go to a different health district. I kn ow that people who are waiting for operations can choose to go to a different hospital. If there is not a unit in your area it would be worth asking your doctor/support worker if this is possible.
I wish I had lots of money then I would give you some so that you could get help privately. You see all these celebrities etc going to clinics for help. Its ok for those who have money.
have you looked online at all to see where there are clinics for eating disorders? Might be worth looking and contacting them
Not sure if this message is at all helpful but just wanted to say well done for deciding that you need some help
Hugs
Pam x
You've been let down today mate rather badly!! [}:)]:([}:)]:([}:)]:(
You must not damage yourself in any way over this - this is not your fault!!!!!
Could you consider seeing your doctor next week and telling her what you just told us and see if in this regard she can lend some power to the possibility of getting you the help?
The decision you made yesterday still stands and is still a most marvellous step forward towards your recovery.
Biggest hugs
Love Piglet xxxxx
(((((Karen))))),
Hi sis. Well reading how they have treated you has made me pretty mad I can say! :( What on earth are they playing at, they are letting you down again. I'm so sorry it didn't go as planned especially after you found so much courage (still so proud of you for that). I can't believe it comes down to funding, if a person needs NHS treatment for any other illness they don't have to discuss funding it just happnes! It's so wrong.
I agree with Piglet, speak to your doctor, there may be something she can do or she herself may even be able to refer you to an eating disorders unit somewhere? They can't just leave you alone to get worse with no support.
This is not your fault in any way ok, it's their incompetance so don't take it out on yourself.
Don't give up yet, something could come along still that can help. I can understand how frustrated and let down you must feel.
Night night sis, thinking of you.
Love Lisa x
Karen,
I am so very very angry over this. It seems the NHS has no regard to the emotions and wellbeing of its mental health patients most in need.
But don't let THEM ruin YOU! Please keep your cool, and make an appointment with your Doc straight away.
And I'm not forgetting you made that brave decision. So good on ya! I'd love your case to get publicity - I bet they's change their minds then!!!
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Lizzie1975
22-09-06, 21:56
Karen,
It's Lizzie, yes from the other forum. I've been a member of NMP for a while now, have never posted on this forum but have been following your story and been torn for a long time as to whether to post on your threads here.
Tonight i felt like i really wanted to because i really feel that no matter WHAT happened at the clinic today, you must NOT lose sight of that massive, huge and wonderful corner you turned by considering your worst fear of having some more intensive care i.e. hospital, and PLEASE do not let what happened today change how you feel.
As much as today was a bad day, tomorrow could be a better one and now you see that you need more help, as has been suggested here, talking to your supportive doctor could be a step in that direction.
Your friends here are a credit to you and you have so much support and SO many people that love you, care about you and want you in their lives.
I really hope you don't mind me following your story, it's very important to me that although i'm a by-stander and in the background, that you know that i'm still here and care very deeply about what happens to you and i really hope that me posting on your thread here is ok with you.
You are one brave and couragious lady and every day are surviving and overcoming situations and feelings that others that have no clue of mental illness and anorexia, couldn't manage in a million years. This is a fact and one you should be bl**dy proud of! You're living it, doing it and you CAN overcome it!
I send you the BIGGEST hug and support and, as i always say, hang in there and keep the faith,
Love,
Lizzie xxx
Hi All
Thank you for the supportive messages. It's strange because I don't feel very brave, I feel like I have again left it too late to do anything and so it is my fault that I can't now get the help that everyone has been saying for so long that I need but I wouldn't even consider.
Tammy: I appreciate your support. I'm afraid I haven't done too well at the 'being kind to myself' bit though. I'm in a rather self destructive mode again because I don't feel able to cope with the events of today. I'm rather ashamed that I keep returning to old ways of coping when I should've learnt by now and all I am doing is making things worse for myself.
Pam: Aww that's so sweet of you to say about paying privately if you had the money and so very kind. Unfortunately there are a lot of people in my position. In this area the health authority are cutting back on mental health funding to recoup overspending in other areas. I think the same thing is happening in other places too.
The hospital I thought I might get a referral to is the one I was told by the clinic. They said that the health authority are sending patients there now. My social worker today said that there are plans to set up an eating disorder for Sussex but this is years away from actually being up and running. What use is that to me? Basically I have had all the funding I am going to get. I suppose I can see the point that there is a limited budget and I've had 9 months of funded treatment at the clinic, but that doesn't help me with the fact that I am still ill and now have little hope of getting any real help to get better.
Piglet: Sorry, I've already taken stuff to harm myself tonight [:I]. I already have an appointment with my doctor for Monday as I see her weekly anyway. I will talk to her about it and I know she will do her best for me, as she has all along. But it is the social worker who deals with the funding panel and she is adamant that the only admission I'll get are if I have a health crisis and not for specialised treatment.
Lisa: Thanks sis. My doctor definitely doesn't want to see me get worse but as far as everyone else is concerned they seem happy to leave me until I do hit a crisis and then deal with whatever happens then. There is no way I will go to a general psychiatric ward because there is no point. It won't help me to recover but whatever I say to anyone at the clinic or CMHT now is just turned round on me because I've been so against admission in the past. It doesn't seem to count for anything that now I am asking for help, or that admission was never even mentioned to me by the clinic as an option.
Ray: Thank you Ray. Don't think I could deal with publicity though [:I]. It would also draw attention to me from my family which would cause other problems. Somehow I just have to live with this decision.
Lizzie: Good to hear from you. How are you doing? Of course I don't mind you posting here and I feel honoured that you have been following my story. It is so very kind of you to post offering me support.
I do have some very good friends here who have supported me through all the bad times. I consider you to be a good friend too and it is good to be in touch again.
I think it is true, as with most mental illness and emotional problems, the people in charge of treatment have no idea what it is actually like. This is something some of us patients at the clinic were talking about today.
At the moment I am caught up in the thoughts of this being my fault for not agreeing to other treatment sooner but somehow I know I have to pick myself up from this and find a way forward. I just don't know how when I have already been struggling with the anorexia for 2 years and I just keep getting worse.
If it is impossible to have the intensive inpatient treatment then I definitely need more support at home but there isn't any. I don't know where to go from here to be honest.
Thank you all again so much for continuing to support me.
Karen xx
HI Karen
I dont know where in the UK you are but I did a search online for eating disorder clinics.
I dont know if you have already done this and not sure if it is any help to you but thought I would post it anyway
I found a couple
this one is in Aylesbury buckinghamshire, need referral from your GP and will take NHS patients
http://www.eatingdisorderscentre.co.uk/
There is another one in London that takes referrals from any NHS trust
http://www.cnwl.org/eating_disorder.html
THere is also a complete list of clinics that do treatment on this site
http://www.siari.co.uk/RS19-Self-injury-eating-disorder-treatment-facilities.htm
Hope this is some help to you
Hugs
Pam x
Thank you Pam for going to all that time and effort to find those links.
As far as I can gether from yesterday, there is no funding to send me to a unit anywhere because even referrals out of area to NHS facilities come from that budget. In the funding panels view I have had 9 months of treament paid for already and I've had my shot - and that's it basically. No more chances.
My last hope is my doctor on Monday but she said funding is being restricted and I doubt there is much she can do.
Couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it all. Then I woke at 5.00 and couldn't face more lying in bed thinking about it. So I was ironing and doing some dusting at that time this morning. I do desperately need to sort stuff out here, clean and tidy up but it is hard to find motivation when I just want to be in bed.
Karen xx
Keep your chin up hun.
Lets see what Dr P has to say on Monday.
Flippin red tape or rules versus commonsense makes me madder than hell everytime I witness an example of it! [}:)][}:)]
Has Meg any sage advice to offer you at this point knowing the workings like she does?
(((((((((K))))))))))
We are all very proud of you here Karen and don't you forget it - I know we all keep repeating it but we really do recognize what a break through moment you had the other day and are willing you forwards!
Love Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hiya Piglet
Thank you so much for what you've said. I am still scared and terrified of going anywhere but I was willing to discuss it and at least the place I'd been told about sounds like it has got a good reputation.
I recognise I can't do this here on my own anymore. I don't like the person I am now, being totally wrapped up in my anorexia and having now time or energy for anything else. I just don't know how I can recover without some proper help.
All this distress is causing me to obsess about K more, which is making me feel even more upset when she is not able to get online now and she moves in a few days. I just wish I had a caring family to look after me for a while, but I don't and my feelings for K are more intense than usual. I want to be with her more than anything in the world.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Has Meg any sage advice to offer you at this point knowing the workings like she does?
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 23 September 2006 : 10:51:44</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Don't know yet. Maybe she will have some ideas when she writes.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Hope you're ok today. I think your attitude is so good at the moment, hold on that that however hard it is and wait and see if your doctor has any ideas on what can happen next. It's great that you've recognised that you want to change and that you are not happy living as you are - major step forward sis :D.
They have made huge cuts to NHS mental services in my area too, I was chatting to the CBT lady about it as they have cut half the services for ME patients here so newly diagnosed people have no hope of mental health help now sadly. They have also cut more serious services like the suicide prevention scheme they had going. It's so wrong.
Your feelings for K are bound to intensify when you're having a challenging time and because she is moving, that's normal. We all want someone to help us that we care about, that bit is only human. I do know that she will think of you though and like us be so proud of you.
Anyway hope your day is going ok, thinking of you.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa. I'm tired and not feeling that great this evening.
I am trying to hold onto some hope but it is difficult. I don't know how things will ever improve. I am missing K soo much too :(:(
Karen xx
Hi Karen
I was just wondering if you take vitamins and if this would help you to feel a bit better.
I know you are not getting the vitamins and nutrients you need from food so vitamins might help you.
There are no calories in them so no worries about putting on weight.
Just a thought
Going offline now. HAve a good rest and hope you feel a bit better tomorrow
Hugs
Pam x
Hi Karen,
I hope you're getting some rest and feeling a little better soon.
It must be hard not to lose hope but please don't, if anyone deserves help it's you sis.
Big (((((hugs)))))
Lisa x
Thank you Pam and Lisa.
Pam: Yes I take a multivitamin and a few others.
Lisa: I'm just so tired and also panicking about all the food they are going to expect me to eat next week.
I am trying not to obsess about K but I am missing her.
Karen xx
Night night sis.
Hope you feel better tomorrow. I know it's so hard but try not to think about next week, just take one day at a time. I know K is busy right now but she cares about you alot and will be back soon.
Sleep well sis,
Lisa x
Night mate ((((((((((K))))))))))
Love Piglet x
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Morning all.
Thank you Piglet and Lisa for your messages last night. I am not feeling any better today and I don't suppose I am likely to with the current situation.
I've woken up this morning with neck pain. I know it's the muscle on one side because I've had this once before a few years ago and needed painkillers and a soft collar for a few days. I have taken some Paracetamol but it is still agony and I can hardly move. Dunno... think it was using the collar for a few days last time that made it bearable - probably would've been useful to hang onto it [Duh!]
Hardly slept again last night despite being really exhausted. I think I had about 2 or 3 hours but it's not enough. I am so tired [|)], and there are already too many hours in the day to try to fill as it is.
I'm missing K like mad. I am trying to be restrained and have not sent her loads of messages for her to pick up once she is finally online again. I did write one about the events of Friday but that's it. I am happy and excited for her and the new life she is starting. I just wish she had been moving closer to me and not futher away.
Also, I have stomach ache as usual but that is the laxatives again. I was more restrained last night and only took 4. I hate myself for going back to this pattern and I feel I am letting down everyone who supported me when I went through withdrawal from them before.
I think it is panic about food at the clinic this coming week that is making it hard to resist going back to using old coping strategies again. In a way I wish I had already been discharged because pushing so much food on me on my last week of treatment is not helpful. I've already decided I need regular laxatives this week to get rid of what I eat and that I need to fast on the days I don't attend, so that started yesterday.
Sorry, not feeling at all positive this morning.
Karen xx
Lizzie1975
24-09-06, 11:34
Hey Karen,
I'm good, thank you for asking.
About feeling negative today; i think you'll just have to take this week one day at a time and you'll get through it as you always do. I hope you can lay off the laxatives, you've been doing so well to not take them for so long.
I'm so relieved that you now realise you can't do this on your own i'll just be hoping and praying this week that either the clinic or your doctor manage to find a way to get you the appropriate help you need, enough's enough now with being let down and slipping through the net, it's time you were heard and listened too and helped in the right way.
You've been brave enough now to ask for that help, it's up to them now to give it to you. My fingers and toes will all be crossed!;)
Take care today,
Lizzie xx
Hi Karen,
Aww the neck sounds painful. I suffer from whiplash and know how painful necks can be. I hope it eases soon. Does massaging it or putting heat on it help at all?
I hope you can cut the laxatives out again soon, it would be such a shame to start using them regularly again since you did so well to get off them and have been off them for ages. You don't need them and they don't help. You haven't let anyone down it's just sad to see you going down that route again. Please don't take them while you have low potassium, it could make it lower.
I'm so proud how you're coping with the K situation. I know it's hard but you're doing so well.
Hope you're feeling a bit better by the time you read this.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thinking of you Karen....Have nothing useful to say....but never think i don't care, cos i do. xxJean
Just saying night night sis. Hope the rest of your day has been ok. I hope your neck is a bit better too.
Good luck at the doctors tomorrow (think it's tomorrow?) Let us know what she says and how you get on at the clinic of course.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
<center>(((((K)))))</center>
Love Piglet x
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Hi Karen,
Hope you're ok?
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Thinking Of you Karen,
Take Good Care Hun,
Love & Hugs,
Pip's x x x x
Pippa.
Thank you Lizzie, Lisa, Piglet, Jean and Pips.
I've had an awful 24 hours. I am not feeling too well at present but I guess with what I am doing to myself it isn't really surprising. I still have pain in my neck so I can't get comfortable.
Sorry if anyone was concerned. I am having internet connection problems again. I tried to sleep for most of yesterday afternoon and then couldn't get on the internet again during the evening. I was so fed up with everything that I took my sleeping pills and went to bed at 9.00 but only slept for about 2-3 hours. The rest of the night I was just tossing and turning.
When I managed to log on briefly this morning, I saw that K had been online twice yesterday so then I got upset that I've not heard from her :(.
I went to the clinic this morning. We had a group session on self esteem - the first of a series of sessions over the coming weeks apparently. This is something that is relevant to me and might have been useful but now, of course, I will miss the rest of the course [Sigh...].
Saw my doctor this afternoon. She is as frustrated as me about the chaos surrounding what happens after discharge from the clinic on Friday. She tried to get hold of my social worker last week, expressing concerns about my low weight and BMI, but my social worker didn't even bother to get back to her.
We discussed what to do next, including admission, but she thinks if it did happen it would be either to the Maudsley (and I don't want to go there after the horror stories I've heard) or the Royal Free in London. She hadn't heard of the one Julia mentioned to me.
At the moment she is holding back because she doesn't want to see me go down this route, although she said unless I can gain some weight my options are limited. She is going to try to contact Julia tomorrow. She didn't think much of the psychiatrist's comments about me stabilising once I've adjusted to the change after discharge. In fact, she said he's got no idea what it is like at all.
I'm in limbo. Deep down I know I can't cope at home alone but I couldn't quite admit it today. If I go into hospital for treatment I still need to retain some control of where I go and I am too frightened that I'll be sent somewhere that I don't want to be.
Karen xx
Well done for getting to the doctors and explaining the situation to her - I hope her chat with Julia carries some weight with the decision making process!!
We are all behind you mate wishing you well! :D:D:D
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
Well done for discussing all that with your doctor, I hope she can sort something out for you and that speaking to Julia or your social worker helps in some way.
I hope your neck feels better soon. Please please be kind to your body especially where the laxatives are concerned.
THinking of you.
Hugs,
Lisa x
Thanks Piglet and Lisa. I am not holding out much hope.
And I have been turned down for the moment for the Women's Service group because there is high demand and not enough places. So now I have nothing for after Friday, apart from possibly seeing my social worker and I can't talk to her.
Karen xx
So are the clinic definitely dismissing you totally on friday? I thought they said they could not do that in your current situation? They don't half change their minds don't they [}:)]
Never give up hope, you never know what might be round the next corner.
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">So are the clinic definitely dismissing you totally on friday? I thought they said they could not do that in your current situation? They don't half change their minds don't they [}:)]
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 25 September 2006 : 17:55:13</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes they are definitely discharging me. So much for being better or even well enough to cope alone [Sigh...]
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I can't say what I think of the clinic and the funding system on this forum [:O] I'm not impressed though [}:)].
Just don't give up hope, you just never know what may happen. You may still get the help you need. Things can come along that help when you least expect it. I'm sure your doctor will be thinking about all this too and trying to help.
Have a nice relaxing evening,
Lisa x
Paddington
26-09-06, 12:07
Hi Karen,i am so pleased for you ,that you have taken the decision to ask for help,well done you!BUT the reaction of the health professionals [and i use the term loosly!]has astounded me..it is in fact disgusting!Your dr seems the best bet so far,yet i am surprised she is dragging her feet too.i know she doesnt seem to want you to go into hospital as previosly you were so against it!But now you are asking to be placed and she is hanging back?Hang on to the decision Karen,and push for if it need be!You are in my thought s and prayers hun.So well done for this wonderful decision to get help.What a huge leap forward for you Karen.You ,my girl,are all the strengh you need ,this proves it!!Fingers crossed hun-bun,Love Mary Rose.xxxxxxxxxxx
we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore
Hi Karen,
I hope you're ok today and feeling a bit better. Hope you've had a good day.
Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I won't be online for 24 hours or so as I'm off to the chiropractor but will be thinking of you.
Big (((((Hugs)))))
Love Lisa x
Thank you Lisa and Mary Rose.
To be honest I don't know how I feel - just like it is all hopeless and it's all my fault.
I don't want to be sent anywhere for treatment. I want to have a say in where I go and right now the only place I can really consider is at the clinic because I know the people there and the EDU inpatient unit is finally starting to function properly. I don't want to go to London or be sent somewhere just because that's where there happens to be a bed available.
So, I guess I'm doomed to be stuck here struggling on alone. I'm not losing weight quickly enough now. It must be the odd days I do eat and so really I need to starve myself completely. It is the only way.
Karen xx
<center>(((((K)))))</center>
Love Piglet x
Thanks Piglet. How are you today? Is your cold any better?
For some reason I have internet problems every evening and so am not always able to get on here. Sometimes my other forum pages will load, and occasionally this forum, but no other internet sites. It is really strange and very annoying [V][Duh!]
I have been thinking about next week and what is going to happen. I'm thinking of going away for a few days or I'm going to go mad sitting here all day every day, particularly with K away. The place I'm looking at has internet facilities so I might still be able to get online occasionally. I need to do something and also need some breathing space to decide what to do next.
My doctor is probably getting fed up with me now after I dropped in another letter for her today. What's worse is that I keep changing my mind about what to do or ask for. I feel unable to make a decision but feel I am under pressure to do something.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
The internet problems must be so annoying! Hope they resolve soon.
Maybe going away for a few days will help you see things more clearly, you never know. A change of scene can help sometimes.
I'm sure your doctor won't be fed up with you, she knows how hard this all is for you.
Hugs,
Lisa x
The internet problem is very annoying and doesn't make any sense to me. I can't see why it will load only one site and nothing else, or why it happens every evening. It doesn't take much to confuse me right now or to get me into a state and this isn't helping. The internet is going to be my only connection with people soon.
I guess I'll see on Friday what my doctor makes of all my very long and conflicting letters. I suppose it shows I am in turmoil and don't know what to do for the best. I don't want hospital but I don't feel I can do this at home alone, or that I can trust myself. But at the same time I don't really want to gain any weight. I really wish I could get better without having to put weight on :( [Sigh...]
Karen xx
Hi Karen, not really up todate on things properly, but from reading last couple of pages I can see things are still bad, sending my thoughts and hugs, sorry cant be more help,xxx
Alexis
xx
Thank you Alexis. You are very kind to think of me when having such a difficult time yourself. Hugs are very welcome right now.
Karen xx
Another big coming along ((((K))))
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen
It's been a long time since i've spoken to you, but just wanted to say thinking of you and sending you a big hug. You have always been so supportive to me and others and now it's our turn to think of you.
Love Kerry x
KW
'Everyone believes very easily whatever they fear or desire'
- JEAN DE LA FONTAINE
Thank you Kerry. It is nice to hear from you.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Another (((((hug))))) from me sis :).
I hope you sleep well, night night,
Thinking of you,
Lisa x
Thank you Lisa. I wish I could sleep. My sleeping pills help me get off to sleep but I am awake again by the early hours of the morning and then am unable to sleep after that. I am sure this doesn't help the fact that I am so tired all of the time[|)].
Well, I don't know what is happening today. I'm at the clinic as usual, but for my last day? I don't know. I have no idea what is happening and whether I will have to go in tomorrow for formal discharge. It would be nice if someone had actually explained to me what happens.
I've decided to definitely go away next week, just for some time to think and hopefully clear my head a bit. Maybe it will also help to lessen how much I am pining for K too. I am seeing my doctor on Friday so can let her know my plans and I hope she might have some news, or at least some further information on what my options are exactly - that's if she has waded through the very long letters I have been sending her [Oops!]
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
You must be so tired, I know I am when I can't sleep. I always want to sleep when it's time to get up though lol.
Let us know how it goes at the clinic today, it doesn't sound very organised as usual!
I hope your doctor can help on friday too. I'm sure she doesn't mind the letters, it's sometimes easier to write things down anyway and she can just read them when she has time.
Getting away next week could be a good idea sis, I hope you've found somewhere nice to stay.
Thinking of you.
Lisa x
Hi Karen,
It's been a while since I've posted on here, but I've still been coming on and reading how you're doing.
Sending you a (((HUG)))
Heather x
Thank you Lisa and Heather.
What a day [:O]. Today was my last day as far as the clinic were concerned. All the discharge paperwork had been prepared and I was in the middle of one final meeting with Julia. I felt strangely detached from what was happening, fearing what would happen if I let go or allowed myself to really acknowledge what was happening.
I can't remember now half of what had been said but Julia said she had spent an hour speaking with my doctor earlier in the week who had expressed how concerned she is about my physical health and the fact that she is not able to provide the support I need and that she is concerned for my safety.
I mentioned going away next week to escape from my flat which now feels like more of a prison than a home. She said maybe this is something that needs to be addressed - the fact that I don't cope well living alone. I asked what the alternatives are because the fact is that I don't have a choice about this. She said she didn't know.
We were just winding up when my social worker phoned. Someone, my doctor probably, had been pushing alarm bells about how unsafe I am to be left alone and the result is that my funding for the clinic has been extended for a couple of weeks while they arrange for me to see the funding panel's psychiatrist for assessment and a decision on what happens next.
I'm still in shock and have been at the clinic all day. Julia said if the result of the assessment is that I need inpatient treatment it will be somewhere other than the clinic though and I still don't know what to think about that. I know I need help but don't really want to start again somewhere else.
She also said that it means that my eating problems will have to start being addressed and my extra time at the clinic is dependent on me eating meals at the clinic so that I am physically stronger when I face this discharge again next time, allowing room for the inevitable dip when I am discharged. I told her that if I am expected to eat there then I need some extra help and support to cope afterwards and when I get home because I go to pieces at present.
Julia thought going away was a good idea before we heard the funding decision and said it would still be a good thing to do and to restart my extra couple of weeks at the clinic from a week on Monday. She wants me to use this time to think about where I want to go from here and about letting go of some of my control over food. I'm not sure I can do that without having long term, full time help.
Not sure how I feel tonight. Relieved and worried at the same time.
Karen xx
HI Karen
Well its good that they are taking you seriously and have your best interests at heart.
I'm so glad that you will be getting help a bit longer and maybe they can sort something more out in the next few weeks.
I've been thinking about you but not able to post much the last couple of days. I keep waking up in the mornings with a really bad headace so havent been on the puter much
Lots of hugs coming your way and remember that I am thinking about you and praying that you will get the help you need even if I dont post much
Hugs
Pam
Hi Karen,
Well that sounds like good news for now, I am relieved for you too. Sounds like your doctor is really trying to help. I just hope they can sort some proper suitable help out for you in the next few weeks. It's natural to feel relieved and worried at the same time. I just hope you get the support you need now.
Big hugs and well done for facing another hard day.
Night sis,
Love Lisa x
Paddington
28-09-06, 22:41
Oh Karen that is good news!Well,tlk about leaving things till the last minute,???This can only be good hun,at last they are listening!Love mary rose.xxxxxxxxxx
we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore
It seems the latest developments are down to Dr P - well done I say!
Big hugs.:):)
Love Piglet xx
"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.
Thank you all for replying.
Pam - I hope you are feeling better soon. Thanks for thinking of me and for your support.
Piglet - It is definitely down to my doctor I think, probably a result of all the letters of distress I have been writing to her all week. I'm seeing her tomorrow and I am sure she'll be pleased I've got support for a bit longer.
Thank you Lisa and Mary Rose.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you sleep well tonight, let us know what the doctor says tomorrow.
By the way we had a client in at the vets with the same name as your doctor (I can still remember from when you mentioned it here once) and she was a doctor too! How bizarre!
Night sis,
Lisa x
I didn't sleep particularly well but then I never do. Didn't get up until lunchtime but I have no energy and am dead on my feet today [|)].
I'm a bit scared about seeing my doctor this afternoon becasuse when I weighed myself this morning I had lost weight which pleases me, but it takes my BMI to well below the level at which she could invoke a Mental Health Act review or send me into hospital. I know she doesn't want to do that and I am hoping that being later in the day now and the variation in scales will mean that my BMI doesn't appear so low when I get to the surgery.
Suppose I should've tried to eat something this morning but I don't have any food in and have felt too tired and weak to make the effort to go out twice today. It is going to be difficult enough to get to my doctor's surgery. Maybe I should show willing and ask about the nutrition drinks but all I can think about is how many calories are in them. I've thought about trying to get from the surgery to the shops and try some soup - although I am not really keen on soup and still worry about the calories [Sigh...] It's just that I know this is the kind of thing she would encourage me to try and I feel very cold.
I have to leave in a minute and I'm so worried :(.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">By the way we had a client in at the vets with the same name as your doctor and she was a doctor too! How bizarre!
<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 28 September 2006 : 23:11:06</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
That is a strange coincidence Lisa!
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Let us know how it went at the doctors, thinking of you. I hope the appt was helpful. Do consider the drinks and some soup, both could help so much.
Hugs,
Love Lisa x
I am feeling so despondent again now :(:(:(
After seeing my doctor this afternoon it seems that admission to an eating disorder unit is not even a possibility. She said she had spoken at length to my social worker about my options and the only way I would be admitted would be in the event of a medical crisis, or if my weight drops much lower. This would be an admission through A & E, first to a medical ward if necessary, and then to the local general psychiatric ward just for refeeding [:O]. This would leave me in a worse position than I am in now :(:(.
It’s my fault as usual. Once I finally come round to the idea that I do need specialist help and probably full time help by admission, it is too late and this is no longer an option.
My doctor said my best chance now is to make use of the time I have left at the clinic and to get other things set up for when this finishes so that I can start therapy – she was talking about continuing to see her, going to the Active8 group (the one I hated) and seeing my social worker once a week.
I’m not trying to be difficult or awkward but I now know that this isn’t enough. If I could manage with day care support/part time day support then I wouldn’t be in the position I am in now [Sigh...].
She said that what I need to do is to start gaining some weight [:O] to show that the treatment programme at the clinic is beneficial and then perhaps I might get more funding to continue. It is all 'ifs' though and I have been trying to fight the anorexia on day programme for 9 months but haven't managed to get anywhere. It all falls apart when I am alone.
I don’t want to be sectioned for refeeding, which she said I am now at the point of and if I don’t eat more and raise my BMI to a more safe level then she won't be able to do anything to prevent it. I still can’t help wanting to continue losing weight. Admission to a general psychiatric hospital is not going to help. I might as well give up now :(.
I am back to feeling trapped again now. I’m trapped in this flat, trapped by myself, trapped into being given no choice about gaining weight when I don’t want to, or being trapped on a general NHS psychiatric ward. My situation feels hopeless again.
I’ve finally hit a point where I know I need help and I am trying to work with what is available but really there is nothing suitable. I even asked about nutrition drinks, even though I don’t really want to have them, and she said something like that would need to come from my dietician. In another few weeks I am likely to be back to where I am now, except fatter and hating myself even more if I am forced to eat and gain weight. I’ll just feel even more distressed.
Life IS hopeless :(:(
Karen xx
Aww (((((Karen))))),
Well done for making it to the appt and discussing all that. It's really not fair that there is not proper help available for you, especially after you have been so brave in admitting you need help.
One thing I am SURE of though is that is NOT your fault in ANY way.
I can imagine life must feel pretty hopeless right now, but things can still improve. Maybe you will even get more funding for the clinic, especially if they see it making a difference to you in the next few weeks. I know you don't want to end up going for refeeding, but sadly if you don't accept you need to eat and gain weight I fear that's where you may end up, either that or in a medical ward as you become seriously ill. I know refeeding is not the answer but they would have a duty to feed you in order to save your life. However I know that this alone without the right psycological help is not the long term answer. In order to get better though you will have to accept at some point (and I don't know how) that this means eating and gaining weight. You just can't keep losing it like you are, it's so dangerous to weigh that little sis.
I know the help after the clinic doesn't seem like much and you don't like the group etc, I can understand that but it could be better than nothing and as I said before it gives you a purpose to get up and out and you could make more friends who may then help you out of your isolation. Don't dismiss anything even if you can't see how it will help.
It really may be time to find some private CBT/therapy of some sort maybe? and start working on the root cause of all this. If the help isn't going to come via the NHS (and it b****y well should in my opinion!) you will have to do all you can to find ways to help without the NHS like CBT.
I really don't mean to be harsh ( you know I care) and I'm sure you know all this. I know you are strong and I think you can dig really deep and start to turn this around, after all you probably know more about this than the NHS anyway.
Have a good think about what you want and what you need to do to get there and see if you can't come up with some ideas that may help you.
I really wish I could get through to you that food is not the enemy here and that you do need to eat regularly, such a cruel illness isn't it.
Big hugs for you sis,
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
I am on a waiting list to see the private CBT therapist and I've sent another email to ask for an update on how long it is likely to be.
However, I still have the problem of being alone here and I know only too well now how I am not able to manage to eat in a healthy way by myself. I've finally accepted that but now find that I have no choice.
My flat feels like a prison that I want to escape from.
Karen xx
Oops sis, I'd forgotten you were on the waiting list - keep up Lisa [:I]
I hope you don't have to wait long for it.
I know you find it hard to eat yourself, so maybe starting to eat at the clinic would help as you can eat with others there. I think they should let you start with small manageable amounts though rather that big meals and puddings.
Are you still going away next week?
Bye for now sis, I hope you can get some rest this evening.
Love Lisa x
So how the hell do you get admitted into a specialist eating disorder unit then. How did the people in these units get there?? I honestly don't understand the workings of the medical system at all!! [}:)] They are failing you here!!
Have a hug mate
<center>(((((K)))))</center>
Love Piglet xx
Hi Karen,
I don't really post much just lately but I kind of think I know how you are feeling at the moment. I don't mean about the anorexia (unless nearly 11 stone is now classed as anorexic [:I] ) but I mean about the feeling hopeless, trapped nowhere to go from here feelings.
Mine is still the fear of violence/ feeling vulnerable old chestnut that has been with me for ever, or so it seems! In your case it is putting into practise eating regularly and healthily, in my case it is putting into practise positive thinking about how I'm my own safe place etc etc. It may not seem linked at all, but the despair at how hopeless my life also feels is I guess akin to your own feelings. Please correct me if I'm wrong!
You are being told to do this that and the other as I am also. But it seems that neither of us are able to put anything into practise and change our thought patterns in anyway.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">
I’ve finally hit a point where I know I need help and I am trying to work with what is available but really there is nothing suitable. I even asked about nutrition drinks, even though I don’t really want to have them, and she said something like that would need to come from my dietician. In another few weeks I am likely to be back to where I am now, except fatter and hating myself even more if I am forced to eat and gain weight. I’ll just feel even more distressed</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
This struck such a chord with me and I could actually feel your desperation. In my case, I know that in another few weeks I will still be feeling exactly the same as I do now. Totally vulnerable and scared and totally distressed.
I can't give you any answers as to a way forward, Karen, I only wish I could. I just wanted you to know that in some strange way, probably only understood by me!, I can understand your feelings and how hard it is for you to change your thoughts and fears.
Hope that the help you so desperately need is available for you soon.
Take care
Love Kate xx
"Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"
Thank you for the replies.
Lisa - Don't worry sis, I find it difficult to keep up to date with what is happening in my own life, so there is no reason why you would remember everything!
Yes, I am still planning to go away. I'd already mentioned it to Julia before we got the funding news and she told me to take a week out to think about things. My doctor was not quite so keen on the idea of me going away though.
Piglet - Thanks for the hug.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">So how the hell do you get admitted into a specialist eating disorder unit then. How did the people in these units get there?? I honestly don't understand the workings of the medical system at all!! [}:)] They are failing you here!!
<div align="right">Originally posted by Piglet - 29 September 2006 : 18:09:12</div id="right"></td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I don't know - different health authorities have different policies, some are funded by private insurance and some are fortunate to be able to self fund (not many though).
My situation is probably complicated by the fact that I have received funding for almost 9 months but the treatment I've had to date hasn't been sufficient to help me recover. I needed my referral there to be happening now, rather than when it did as the EDU wasn't running well then. It is only in the past month or so that things have changed. Just my luck really that it is too late for me :(.
Kate - Thanks so much for your reply. It is good to hear from you.
I can relate how the thoughts and feelings are the same even if our situations are very different. Underneath all the eating problems and the distress I experience at the mere thought of eating because of possible weight gain, lies the real issues and bad thoughts about myself that I have not been able to change. Focusing on my weight is now the way I cope and keep all my real fears and feelings repressed.
I do empathise with the vulnerabilities you have expressed in your post. You fear violence and not being safe - I fear gaining weight but because of what this means to me about how I view myself. I now invest everything in to losing weight, as if this will solve all the other problems in my life. Rationally I know that doesn't make sense but at the same time it is the only way I can cope.
I am always sad when someone else is feeling distressed too. I wish you could find something that will help. I'm holding out hope that CBT will help me deal with the underlying problems, but first I need to feel safe with food in order to stop what I am doing to myself, as well as do something about my living arrangements because I currently feel such despair at being here.
It is difficult to get the right help and support, or to accept what others are saying. I know food/nutrition is vital for life but that doesn't stop me starving myself, or choosing foods that are not great in terms of nutrition even when I do eat - another kind of self sabotage.
Karen xx
HI Karen
I think we all feel frustrated for you and wish we could help
I would hate to be alone and think you are marvelous to cope as well as you do.
Perhaps it would be an idea to see if there was some way to get somebody to live with you or wouldnt you want a flat mate
Just a thought
Pam x
Thanks for your support Pam.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Perhaps it would be an idea to see if there was some way to get somebody to live with you or wouldnt you want a flat mate
<div align="right">Originally posted by brenda - 29 September 2006 : 20:12:15</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I wouldn't want to live with a stranger as that wouldn't feel safe for me and there is no one I know that I could share with.
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
I hope you're having a nice rest this evening.
I still think the system is wrong and has let you down badly. I mean if you had a bad leg and had physio at the hospital then needed a knee operation for example they wouldn't say no because you'd had 9 months physio would they! The services for eating disorders and mental health is terrible but these areas should be as important as any other illnesses. Of course if you had loads of money and could go private that's ok but they don't want to help you on the NHS. It's mad if it comes down to money because if you ended up on a medical or psychiatric ward it will still cost them anyway! Grrrr [}:)]
I hope you sleep better tonight, thinking of you.
Lisa x
Nite nite hun!
Love Piglet xx
I'm feeling sick and my stomach is so bloated [xx(]. Shouldn't have eaten anything today.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">The services for eating disorders and mental health is terrible but these areas should be as important as any other illnesses.<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 29 September 2006 : 22:11:58</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes I agree Lisa.
Night and thanks Piglet.
Karen xx
Feeling so low and so FAT this morning.
I don't want to eat again ever. I wish all the health professionals and social workers would leave me alone now. They can't help me so they could at least leave me to starve myself if I want. It's not fair that I have to eat and gain weight when it is the last thing I want to do :(:(:(
Karen
Why does my heart go on beating?
Why do these eyes of mine cry?
Don't they know it's the end of the world?
~The Carpenters~
(((((Karen)))))
Sorry you feel so low sis. You are certainly not fat though, seriously underweight yes, fat no. You may feel bloated due to eating but if you eat more regularly the bloated feelings will stop as your body gets used to regular food.
I really wish we could get you to realise you do need to eat and gain weight in order to get better. We all have to do things that are hard in order to get better and sometimes things that we don't want to do, in your case eating and gaining weight. Easy to say and so hard to do I know. You are losing more and more weight but instead of this bringing you the happiness you crave it doesn't does it?
I hope you've feeling a bit better than you were earlier by the time you read this.
Thinking of you,
Love Lisa x
Hi Lisa
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I really wish we could get you to realise you do need to eat and gain weight in order to get better.<div align="right">Originally posted by LJ - 30 September 2006 : 15:00:04</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
I just can't accept it :(.
I'm still feeling ill and very very tired too [xx(][|)]
Karen xx
I know you can't accept it sis, but somehow you have to work towards being able to accept that you have to eat it in order to get better. How you do that - I wish I knew, I really wish I knew.
I hope you can get some rest and feel better later.
Love and big hugs,
Lisa x
Hiya Karen,
I wish I knew the answer to you accepting it too.
OK, let's look at it another way. Say you really were fat, then what are you fearing?
Fat people are lovely too, and even if you grew a third ear and a few horns, people would still see the beautiful you inside. [8D]
Take Care,
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
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Love Piglet xx
Thank you for the hug Piglet.
Lisa: I realise you don't have the answers. I am beginning to wonder whether anyone does really. I just can't accept the consequences of eating on my weight. It is all I can focus on.
Ray: Thanks for taking the time to reply. I would say to anyone else that it is what's inside that is important, but I still can't think that way about myself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">OK, let's look at it another way. Say you really were fat, then what are you fearing?
<div align="right">Originally posted by clickaway - 30 September 2006 : 21:28:07</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Becoming even fatter than I am already and all the negative associations in my mind about this - rejection being high on the list I guess, but there is a long list of reasons.
Still feeling ill tonight - fat and bloated [xx(].
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
Sorry you still feel ill sis. I hope you get a good nights sleep at least.
It's so sad that we can't help you more than just being supportive here. It's true there are no easy answers, even experts can't help unless you can accept you need to eat and I so wish you could find a way. I do know however that this is tied up with alot of emotional things and other things you believe about yourself. You truly believe you are bad and fat when neither are actually true. It made me realise how much you believe that when you said "fatter than I already am". Karen you are about three stone under the minimum weight for your height not fat. Also I don't understand why being fat could mean being rejected? Do you mean as in failing as an anorexic or that fat means failure. I have been very fat in the past (about 5 years ago due to hormonal problems) and I have been very slim too and the only difference I have ever noticed is how men treat me. When I am thin I get alot of attention and when I'm fat I don't get looked at twice. That is just pure physical attraction though and when people got to know me my size didn't matter. However that aside as a person men and women both treated me the same whatever size I am. In fact I made some of the best friends I ever made when I was fat. I also got the best job promotion I have ever won when at my biggest. I was accepted as a good person. It really is what is inside that matters and you have a good heart. Size and weight are just numbers, the only time being fat matters is if it affects our health, that's all. Like most women I feel better about myself when slimmer too but I know I am a good person whatever size I am. I think if you could believe you were good and have better self esteem then that would help with the other issues. Go back to working on this every day if you're not already. Tell yourself you are good etc and use positive thoughts about yourself, write it down severa times a day - you don't have to believe it but if you do it enough the brain may start to believe it. Telling yourself negative things about yourself just makes you believe them more and they are not true.
You really do have to start eating more, you could eat over 1000 calories a day and not gain weight, so initially could you stay under that limit and see how it goes, even start with say 500 a day if that helps. Your body needs nutrients and that amount won't make you gain, it really won't. Just eating more little by litte and maintaining would be a great first step. Either that or start by taking the nutrient drinks as they won't make you gain weight either and will do you so much good. Please consider this at least.
Can you give this all some thought and maybe while you're away do as Julia said and have a good think about everything and how you can move on from here. No one wants to see you so ill you're in hospital. You have so much to give and offer this world, it's so sad to see you gripped by this terrible illness.
I just see what a great person you are and what a fantastic fulfulling life you could have.
I just know it is possible to get better from this. Do you remember that I told you about one of the nurses I work with that had anorexia, she was in the same bad place you're in now and she weighed 5 stones when she was taken to hospital and told she had five days to live. She is now fully recovered, accpets her new higher weight (she is still very slim but within a normal range but doesn't look too thin). She also now has a totally normal relationship with food. At the time she went to hospital she too could not see that she was thin but now she's well she looks at pictures from that time and she can see it. I'd love for your story to have a happy ending like hers, it shows it is possible.
I wish I had a magic wand as I'd take this away for you if I could. I really wish I could pop round and give you a massive hug in person but I can't so have a virtual one instead .(((((Karen))))).
Sorry to go on an
I'm feeling so ill this morning. I've hardly slept again and now I feel sick, have stomach ache and diarrhoea, feel dizzy and faint and I keep feeling really hot. I know it is all my own fault but I can't cope with how fat and swollen my stomach is.
Lisa: Sorry if I offended you sis. All the comments about size are only a reference to myself and not comments in general.
Three stone underweight [:O]. I don't want to gain 3lbs let alone 3 stone. I'm still trying to lose weight as I haven't reached the latest target yet.
I think the nurse you spoke to is the exception rather than the rule unfortunately. I can't even imagine there ever being a time where I will feel comfortable with myself and definitely not where food is concerned.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Also I don't understand why being fat could mean being rejected? Do you mean as in failing as an anorexic or that fat means failure.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
No I didn't mean that size or weight is an indication of someone being a success or a failure, except maybe myself. It is more that all the dreams and wishes that are tied in with my weight loss would also be taken away if I eat, gain weight and get bigger. It isn't anything to do with being attractive or not - it is more that I have an overwhelming drive to get smaller and smaller, a symbolic way of being childlike in a way, and a means to justify my need to be looked after and loved in a mother-child way.
That is one reason amongst the many that now exist within the realms of my anorexia.
I don't even want to eat one calorie, let alone 500 or 1000. I would gain weight if I ate that much [:O]. Strangely though, at the moment I feel ill and am feeling sick and yet I have a food craving for mashed potato [Duh!] How does that work??? I am not able to stand up without almost falling down again, let alone get any food or keep it down.
Thank you for the virtual hug sis and I really appreciate you taking the time and caring enough to write all of this. I just wish I could do some of it. It is so hard because I'm fighting against myself all the way, as well as fighting against everyone else.
Although I feel terribly ill this morning, I don't believe I am heading towards being days from death or anything. This is temporary and will pass. All the tests I have are always fine.
Karen xx
Hi Karen
Sorry you are feeling so ill this morning and hope you feel better soon.
I was thinking about what Lisa said and what you said about feeling bloated and having a fat stomach
You do realise that NOT eating will make you have a fat stomach and be bloated.
Look at the pictures of the children starving in Africa and you will see that they have really bloated fat stomachs.
This is a result of them not eating and is probably why yours is fat and bloated.
Why not try eating small amounts and this will help to keep the bloated feeling at bay?
You could eat some healthy foods and then exercise which would help to keep your weight down but you would be healthier because your body would be getting the nutrients it needs. Have you thought of doing that?
Hope you feel better soon
Hugs
Pam x
Hi Karen,
Sorry you still feel so ill sis.
You didn't offend me, for one I'm not as big as I used to be now lol but I was saying about my weight to show that fat can still be ok.
I know my colleague that recovered is the exception not the rule but there are many success stories like hers out there.
I'm not saying you are days from death yet, if you were I'm sure your docotor would have acted but you are seriously ill and you are deluding yourself if you think otherwise, sorry. Your tests have not all been normal have they, you have had low potassium which can be very serious and didn't you say your liver wasn't functioning properly? I hope you're not taking the laxatives again still as really not good with low potassium.
I was shocked to read you're trying for a lower weight still. You said sectioning weight was a BMI of 13 and that you were there, by my calculations you must weight 5 and a half stones now or less even! You can't keep losing more or you will be seriously ill and end up in hospital or I fear even worse. Earlier in the year you said you just wanted to be six stone and try and maintain that with a little eating as you were happy at that weight but the targets are getting less and less. I really worry where this is going to end. You need to eat and you will not put on weight with 500 calories a day it is not possible, not even at 1000.
I wish you would realise you are really ill, it's not normal to be feeling so ill you can barely stand, you body is running on empty, is not functioning properly and you're exhausted too. You probably have low blood sugar, low blood pressure too which don't help.
It is so frustrating that we can't help you. You just seem to be so far into this anorexia this time, the dysmorphia is worse than ever and you seem deluded about your weight and health.
Sorry sis, I don't say all this to be cruel but I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to you and I hadn't tried to help. I only say all this as I care but if it doesn't help I'll stop and shut up if you wish.
Thinking of you. Please try and eat a little something today.
Big hugs,
Lisa x
Thank you for replying Pam and Lisa.
Pam: I wish I could exercise but I don't have the strength to. I also have a problem with eating at all. I know that eating little and often would be better but my fear is losing control, so I starve myself. If I eat then it would lead to a binge and I would gain weight. [Sigh...]
Lisa: I know you are trying to help sis. I have now eaten something and now I feel sick and ill because of the food... argh :(. I'd rather be dead than have to live with the anorexia anymore.
I am trapped within this illness. At times I see that it is the illness and not me, but it doesn't change anything. I am too caught up in the illness to break out of this by myself but just when I admit that and ask for help it turns out there is no help - no professional help.
My blood tests have been out of range in the past, with low potassium or other result, but currently my results are within range. My ECG was fine too. So it is difficult for me to believe there is anything seriously wrong, apart from my stomach problems which I've probably caused myself.
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I was shocked to read you're trying for a lower weight still. You said sectioning weight was a BMI of 13 and that you were there, by my calculations you must weight 5 and a half stones now or less even!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Yes, you are not far off with my weight and my BMI currently is below 13 but now it seems that a BMI of 12 is the point for sectioning, so I am still safe.
I hate myself now for eating. I'm sorry to say this but I WANT to die :(.
Karen xx
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Thought you may like all these hugs today!
Love Piglet xx
I can't compete with those lovely hugs lol :).
Karen,
Well done for eating, that is great as I know how hard that is for you. You probably feel ill after eating as your body is not used to it. It's normal to feel that way after not eating properly, although it must be horrible.
I'm glad your tests are currently within normal, however that doesn't mean that all this isn't harming you or won't harm you in the future.
I really wish we could help you change those thoughts, there is no need to hate yourself for eating, you did well.
I don't want you to die sis, even if you want to :( We're all rooting for you to get through this. Don't give up hope sis and don't give up on life.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
bluesparkle
01-10-06, 15:25
hi karen...
know its not much help but wanted to say that i too am still here rooting for you... although we have not met you were one of the first people here who made me feel welcome... you are a very special person.
i know it must be very hard for you right now but dont give up the fight... hang on in there.
sending loads of posative vibes
take care
rach
x
Thank you for the replies and support. I really don't deserve to have such kind friends.
Piglet: Wow that message must've taken you ages - thank you :). It is very much appreciated, as are all the hugs.
Lisa: I feel very much worse having eaten and I'm still just as dizzy and faint when I get out of bed, only now my stomach pain is worse too :(. I want to take laxatives or diet pills but I have to see my social worker in the morning and I'm scared what action she might take if I miss the appointment, and then I am due to be travelling in the afternoon.
I'm sorry that I do still feel like I want to die and I don't want to eat. I just can't help feeling this way.
Rach: You are very kind, thank you. I would've given up long ago if it weren't for friends here. Thank you too for the positive vibes. I try not to give up but it is all pretty hopeless from my point of view at present.
Karen xx
(((((Karen)))))
Still thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way.
Lisa x
Just saying night night sis. I hope you sleep well and feel better soon.
What time are you going away tomorrow? If I don't catch you before you go have a good time. When are you back again? Are you taking your laptop?
I hope your appt goes well with the social worker.
Love and hugs,
Lisa x
Hi Karen
I just wanted to let you know that I'm still thinking about you - sorry to hear you have been feeling so poorly this weekend.
Hope that the appointment goes well today and that you manage to have a few good days away.
Just wish there was more I could say or do.
Best Wishes
Kath
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