anxiety over work

[manwithnoname]

hi, has anyone had anxiety and depression over problems at work, personality clashes, would love to hear from anyone with similar problems, i've been off work for 3 years because of it

[Annie0904]

I have had a lot of anxiety due to stresses at work. I have finally made the decision to leave.

[manwithnoname]

I won't be going back to this work, I need to be doing else, I just don't know what, I couldn't cope with some of the aggressive and initimidating personalities there plus I couldn't cope with the work they were asking me to do, asking me to complete work to unrealistic deadlines. What type of work did you leave and what do you do now? stephen

[Annie0904]

I am a learning support assistant. I have been off sick since last June and have decided to terminate my employment on a compromise agreement at the end of this month. My role has changed so much over the 14 years I have been there and it has become much more stressful. I will give myself a bit longer to get well and then look at private tutoring.

[Tessar]

Yes I have. I had a boss who was a bully. My therapist described him as poison to my mind.
After I'd been in the job for 2 years I got promoted. It meant I had to supervise 2 girls who were already my junior but I wasn't actually their manager. Well they both changed towards me. I'll never forget the time they were writing each other notes.... that were about me supposedly being lazy & letting them do all the work. I showed the notes (which stupidly they left in their bin) to the boss. He backed me (despite being my bully at times).
Another time I caught the same girls out for not doing some work late in the day. I was convinced they hid it til morning so I dobbed them in. But this time I was criticised and made to apologise. I found that humiliating but also,it was a real blow to my confidence.
One of the girls made my life hell at times, refusing to do what I asked. She really, really tested my patience.
Also one time I made a big mistake. I ended up having to ring a lot of people to apologise. My boss never said that I had made amends with all my efforts and humble behaviour. Instead I felt he kept it going & never forgave me.
It surprised me when in therapy that my therapist pointed out that in this situation I had a long memory too. I thought about it as at the time I felt hurt that she suggested that. In all honesty I could see her point. It's likely my boss had moved on but it had a deep affect on me and added to my fear of him
Sadly all I ever wanted was his approval. I wanted. Him to respect me. I discovered later that he didn't respect his wife. She worked part-time in the office and it was she who told me he didn't respect her. So she said "don't expect him to show you respect when he isn't showing it to me".
When I was deep into therapy he used to criticise my absence after my sessions but it was hard going back to work and I wasn't gone that long. One time he had a go at me after I got back to work straight after a session. I was astounded and very scared I'd lose my job.
I recall my therapist asking me "what is the worst that can happen". Well i said "that I'd lose my job". She made me see that compared to living in fear and feeling I had no alternative but to tolerate his abusive behaviour that really wasn't the worst thing ever. Yes it would have been scary but finally I realised that my job was just that. A job. I could find another one if I wanted to
I had other colleagues who used to think I sided with the boss. Well, as a supervisor perhaps I had to out of professionalism. It was expected of me to back him. I learned to only back him when he was right and began sticking up for my colleagues.
I began taking the day off when I had a session lined up. It was the only way I could cope.
My lowest point was when he went for me in a performance review.
He was like a dog with a bone, he would never notice what he was doing. I ended up crying in front of him and then my colleagues too as it was too difficult to hide. I was so embarrassed, shamed and humiliated. It was lowest point during depression and nearly pushed me over the edge. The weekend following that my partner was away and it was a really unpleasant & scary time for me.
Eventually I realised I needed to stand up for myself. I couldn't cope with holding down such a responsible, stressful job while deep in therapy so I got my doctor to sign me off.
My boss criticised me even for that, believing I wasn't capable of making that decision, that a medical professional should have done it.
Worse still, his impression of therapy was sitting there, drinking tea while u have a chat with a friend. If you don't mind my saying he was such an ar$e!
I was so insensed by his behaviour that finally something snapped inside me and I knew I had to learn to stand up to him. After my two weeks off, I didn't even have a return to work interview.
Well, manwithnoname, thanks for posting because this makes me see that I have been very strong at times in my life and I am trying to draw on my reserves of strength for a different kind of struggle at the moment. I hope I haven't waffled on too much but saying all this reminds me that I can pull myself out of the depths of depression as I have done it before.
It would be interesting to hear some of your story if u would like to share?

Nearly forgot to mention I am 2 jobs down the line since then (the above was several years ago). I now have a good job with great colleagues and lovely bosses. What a change!

[manwithnoname]

best solution definitely to leave, I have left a few jobs due to the stresses I was going through, I expected too much of myself, now I need to spend time recovering before I decide what I am going to do next, I have 3 engineering degrees so there should be something out there for me different from software design, I just want something a lot more low key even if it pays less

[Tessar]

best solution definitely to leave, I have left a few jobs due to the stresses I was going through, I expected too much of myself, now I need to spend time recovering before I decide what I am going to do next, I have 3 engineering degrees so there should be something out there for me different from software design, I just want something a lot more low key even if it pays lessOh wow. U mention engineering degrees and software design. I used to work for a technical recruitment agency.......when I left the market wasn't great, in fact they went under and there was no money left for redundancies. The next place I worked at we turned up for work one morning and the door was padlocked by bailiffs! I'm glad 2 say that where I am isn't like that at all.
Are there any interests u have that u might be able to link to a different type if role?
Are you more in favour of a desk job or perhaps something such as a field role?s

[Sunshine77]

Hi, my work definitely contributes to my anxiety levels! I am in sales, we supply all the major UK supermarkets and I am responsible for one - soon to be two - of them. It's very fast paced and stressful. The strange thing is my background is not sales and somehow I seem to have worked myself into a succession of sales roles. I hate the stress but feel pigeonholed.

Tessar thank you so much for your story. You have given me hope as with your previous posts :) I am beginning to think since my return to work that my boss is a bit of a bully himself. I have seen the way he lays into people in sales meetings in front of everyone and won't even let people finish a sentence. Since I have come back to work I've discovered that 1 of my colleagues has left and another 2 are working their notice!! I have already cried in front of him (before my breakdown when I was still trying to convince myself that I was fine) and it has definitely affected his perception of me along with this episode of absence.

The one thing I have today is the knowledge that my health and sanity are more important than "suicide by payslip" and if things don't improve over the next week or so then I am prepared to walk away.

Manwithnoname I'm with you completely - what's the point of earning more if we're completely miserable? Some of the happiest people I know earn naff all. Good luck whatever you decide to do :hugs:

[manwithnoname]

it makes me feel so much better knowing someone else has had similar work problems to my own, for me my work problems just like a never ending cycle, i have yet to find a job that suits me and doesn't cause to suffer untold misery through personality clashes and aggressive personalities, i simply can't work with people like that, its just impossible to work with an aggressive initimidating personality when i feel on edge and in a state of agitation all the time, it just drains me of life, all the jobs i have had in electronics have been the same, i need to do something else but don't know what and its been 3 years since i worked being off sick with anxiety

[Annie0904]

Stephen I wish you well in finding something you can enjoy. After sticking it out in a job with colleagues who were at some times bullies I have realised that health and happiness is much more important.

[manwithnoname]

you are so right annie i need to concentrate in a full recovery for years of being in jobs i've hated, pushed myself into purely for financial security and to hell with how i feel, it's not the right thing to do

[manwithnoname]

hello annie, just another message to say thankyou for your support to me, i still feel i have a lot to talk about so hope you don't mind me messaging you, stephen

[Annie0904]

I don't mind if you want to ask me anything. You can send a pm if you want to.

[Rennie1989]

I suffer with it every day. I work in a bookies and we have a million and one procedures to adhere to, slip up once and we end up in the district managers office at a disciplinary. I am constantly IDing people because if I allow an under 18 in the shop, or worse, serve them, I lose my job. It really stresses me out and I hate it. It's bad enough when there are characters at work who make your life harder, like if they are lazy, messy or making your shift much harder than it already is.