MrsStobe13
22-02-13, 20:11
Hi All,
Just checking in again while I'm on the PC, had a hellish few weeks here. A fortnight ago I spilt white paint on the carpet, then hubby-to-be's laptop broke, 2 days later my hard drive packed up. All in all it cost us about £300 to put right. My hard drive is sorted and we now have wood effect laminate in the hallway, but my other half's PC still remains a mystery.
In relation to my OCD-like symptoms I tried getting myself seen by a GP in the middle of last year. I visited the practice and was an anxious, sobbing mess as I tried to make an appointment. 2 weeks later I was eventually seen and despite being very symptomatic of "Pure O" my GP refused to diagnose anything more than a touch of wedding stress, depression and malnutrition. Roll into this year and I still have all the same symptoms but I talk more openly about them. My partner knows exactly what I mean if I say I'm having a "funny five" but he is the only one I know physcially who really understands me. I told my best friend about my symptoms and that if it was Pure O it's a type of OCD, she just agreed then said I was a little bit of a perfectionist...not quite, then! I also spoke to my Mum and asked her for support as I can't battle it alone but for 25 years she's been convinced I'm autistic and, even though nobody will diagnose it, she's determined Asperger's is my problem. I get so upset about my symptoms and I spend relentless hours Googling them, sometimes I re-read the same articles just to convince myself. At first my thoughts started off as a desire to stab my partner, then stab my family, then hurt our dog, jump in front of a train, being hit by a truck, and now ending a perfectly fine 5-year relationship. Some of these thoughts are reoccurent but violent thoughts normally make me feel as though I'd kill myself if I picked up a knife. I have had these thoughts before when I was at Junior school, but they resolved quickly and largely thanks to my Dad. There is depression on both sides of my family and I've seen my Mum "flip out" multiple times. I also know my brother was recently feeling suicidal though he seems to have helped himself by coming off of the drink.
Don't get me wrong, I've read up on Pure O over and over again and it's me a thousand times over. The thing is, I'm not sure if I have Pure O or just GAD? 3 years ago I was a happy go lucky 22-year-old. At the end of 2011 I lost 4 family members in 3 months and now I've just given up all my zest for life. I've got 84 days to get everything ready for our wedding, I struggle to remember basic self-hygiene at times and struggle to do much more than make the bed most days. I look around and I see the mess and the housework that needs doing but I have no drive to do it. I spend hours Googling how I feel and even more hours doubting myself. Some of the thoughts I get I replay in my mind. I lay in bed at night terrified of why my mind wants me to hurt the one man who matters the world over to me. Sometimes I've led in silence while the tears flow, fighting to keep my breathing slow and shallow so he thinks I'm asleep. I even avoid going out a lot of the time on the buses now as I struggle with motion sickness and worry I might feel ill. We've paid £600 for our honeymoon in Devon, I've no idea how we'll get there as last time I stepped onto a high-speed train between Taunton and Exeter St David's I felt incredibly sick.
In the way of wedding stress we have an usher who's been positively nasty, a bridemaid's dress which doesn't fit and a caterer who has told us what she does and not asked what we want. The room we have booked for our wedding reception has only low coffee tables so my parents are looking to hire in tables. They are also planning to let the caterer feed the 35 at our breakfast then get my brother's friend (who is a chef and very keen to help) cater for the reception. I need to lose 4st by 17th May but feeling like I do it just doesn't happen. I'm already scared out of my wits that I'll say "I don't" not "I do". I worry myself silly that I'll cry my way down the aisle, that I'll look hideous in the wedding photos or there will be some commotion around the wedding. I also heard through the grapevine that my partner's ex is in the midst of splitting from her husband after less than a year of marriage, so I've been worrying obsessively that we'll end up separated. I love my partner to beyond words and often find myself judged for something I've said. I've told people I don't want to marry him, it's not that I don't want to be with him, it's that I'm really not enjoying the getting married process. There are times I struggle to find the words because I know if I say what I'm thinking it will be taken at face value and it shouldn't be, the result of that is that I now have a lot of bottled up emotions about my wedding which I'm surpressing.
I'm sorry to ramble on so much folks but this evening I had to start drawing curtains on the way I've been feeling. Even if it doesn't end immediately, I just had to feel as though I'm not alone, and perhaps find some advice from those who feel/have felt like I do. My partner discovered a prior Google search from when I had some relationship OCD-type thoughts on Wednesday and began to worry I was planning to break up with him 12 weeks before our wedding. Like I said before, it's not that I want ever to be away from him, he cares for me and supports me and makes me laugh like nobody else has before. He makes me feel so happy and care-free but everytime I do a little switch in the back of my mind reactivates the negative thoughts and they quickly destroy the positive, happy ones. I am diagnosed with endogeneous depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have also taken Fluoxetine and Citralopram for depression before. I've also tried herbal remedies like St John's Wort and Bach's flower remedy's (Rescue Remedy) but having been placed on the contraceptive pill I can no longer use SJW. I've sought after CBT and councelling but I've heard no more since. If anyone has experience to share I'd be ever thankful, if nothing else, I just want to feel like I'm not alone :-)
Thanks all
MrsStobe13
Just checking in again while I'm on the PC, had a hellish few weeks here. A fortnight ago I spilt white paint on the carpet, then hubby-to-be's laptop broke, 2 days later my hard drive packed up. All in all it cost us about £300 to put right. My hard drive is sorted and we now have wood effect laminate in the hallway, but my other half's PC still remains a mystery.
In relation to my OCD-like symptoms I tried getting myself seen by a GP in the middle of last year. I visited the practice and was an anxious, sobbing mess as I tried to make an appointment. 2 weeks later I was eventually seen and despite being very symptomatic of "Pure O" my GP refused to diagnose anything more than a touch of wedding stress, depression and malnutrition. Roll into this year and I still have all the same symptoms but I talk more openly about them. My partner knows exactly what I mean if I say I'm having a "funny five" but he is the only one I know physcially who really understands me. I told my best friend about my symptoms and that if it was Pure O it's a type of OCD, she just agreed then said I was a little bit of a perfectionist...not quite, then! I also spoke to my Mum and asked her for support as I can't battle it alone but for 25 years she's been convinced I'm autistic and, even though nobody will diagnose it, she's determined Asperger's is my problem. I get so upset about my symptoms and I spend relentless hours Googling them, sometimes I re-read the same articles just to convince myself. At first my thoughts started off as a desire to stab my partner, then stab my family, then hurt our dog, jump in front of a train, being hit by a truck, and now ending a perfectly fine 5-year relationship. Some of these thoughts are reoccurent but violent thoughts normally make me feel as though I'd kill myself if I picked up a knife. I have had these thoughts before when I was at Junior school, but they resolved quickly and largely thanks to my Dad. There is depression on both sides of my family and I've seen my Mum "flip out" multiple times. I also know my brother was recently feeling suicidal though he seems to have helped himself by coming off of the drink.
Don't get me wrong, I've read up on Pure O over and over again and it's me a thousand times over. The thing is, I'm not sure if I have Pure O or just GAD? 3 years ago I was a happy go lucky 22-year-old. At the end of 2011 I lost 4 family members in 3 months and now I've just given up all my zest for life. I've got 84 days to get everything ready for our wedding, I struggle to remember basic self-hygiene at times and struggle to do much more than make the bed most days. I look around and I see the mess and the housework that needs doing but I have no drive to do it. I spend hours Googling how I feel and even more hours doubting myself. Some of the thoughts I get I replay in my mind. I lay in bed at night terrified of why my mind wants me to hurt the one man who matters the world over to me. Sometimes I've led in silence while the tears flow, fighting to keep my breathing slow and shallow so he thinks I'm asleep. I even avoid going out a lot of the time on the buses now as I struggle with motion sickness and worry I might feel ill. We've paid £600 for our honeymoon in Devon, I've no idea how we'll get there as last time I stepped onto a high-speed train between Taunton and Exeter St David's I felt incredibly sick.
In the way of wedding stress we have an usher who's been positively nasty, a bridemaid's dress which doesn't fit and a caterer who has told us what she does and not asked what we want. The room we have booked for our wedding reception has only low coffee tables so my parents are looking to hire in tables. They are also planning to let the caterer feed the 35 at our breakfast then get my brother's friend (who is a chef and very keen to help) cater for the reception. I need to lose 4st by 17th May but feeling like I do it just doesn't happen. I'm already scared out of my wits that I'll say "I don't" not "I do". I worry myself silly that I'll cry my way down the aisle, that I'll look hideous in the wedding photos or there will be some commotion around the wedding. I also heard through the grapevine that my partner's ex is in the midst of splitting from her husband after less than a year of marriage, so I've been worrying obsessively that we'll end up separated. I love my partner to beyond words and often find myself judged for something I've said. I've told people I don't want to marry him, it's not that I don't want to be with him, it's that I'm really not enjoying the getting married process. There are times I struggle to find the words because I know if I say what I'm thinking it will be taken at face value and it shouldn't be, the result of that is that I now have a lot of bottled up emotions about my wedding which I'm surpressing.
I'm sorry to ramble on so much folks but this evening I had to start drawing curtains on the way I've been feeling. Even if it doesn't end immediately, I just had to feel as though I'm not alone, and perhaps find some advice from those who feel/have felt like I do. My partner discovered a prior Google search from when I had some relationship OCD-type thoughts on Wednesday and began to worry I was planning to break up with him 12 weeks before our wedding. Like I said before, it's not that I want ever to be away from him, he cares for me and supports me and makes me laugh like nobody else has before. He makes me feel so happy and care-free but everytime I do a little switch in the back of my mind reactivates the negative thoughts and they quickly destroy the positive, happy ones. I am diagnosed with endogeneous depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have also taken Fluoxetine and Citralopram for depression before. I've also tried herbal remedies like St John's Wort and Bach's flower remedy's (Rescue Remedy) but having been placed on the contraceptive pill I can no longer use SJW. I've sought after CBT and councelling but I've heard no more since. If anyone has experience to share I'd be ever thankful, if nothing else, I just want to feel like I'm not alone :-)
Thanks all
MrsStobe13