how do you tackle the past? [Archive]

View Full Version : how do you tackle the past?

R.Barratt

23-02-13, 01:38

hello everyone :) i hope youre all well

I usually repress my past, my childhood as i dont want it to ruin and control my future. But at the moment it seems impossible to repress it. I keep dazing off and my partners noticed and bless hi he trys to help support me but he just doesnt know what to say or do.

I grew up with my mum and my stepdad who were constantly fighting and violent towards one another and their children. Firstly it was just me but then they decided to have 2 more children my brother and sister. Who used to be pinchedand hit by my step dad the most when he lost his temper with my mum as he was scared of standing up to her.

They stayed together til i was 14 so too long. I hated that house mum either gnored me or went out of her way to tell me just how useless i was. i grew up knowing she didnt love me and i feared her i still do.

I used to see my dad every satrday when i was younger he didnt feed me or talk to me so it was very boring and negectful. Then i would go home and be questioned by my mum about him e.g. if i loved him more than her etc.

Then a friend of my dads took an interest and i was so relieed t be able to get away fom all of them. But then he groomed me and sexually abused me from the age of 9.

I told my mum and dad when i was 14 and they ignored me and told me i was lieing or blamed me for it. So i have had to lear to repress it and just get on with it. Which always catches up with you.

Now i live with my partner of 2 years i am 18 years old and i go to college. But i am really struggling to not let my anxiety and depression take over. But i dont know how to deal with something like sexual abuse as well as physical and verbale. I want to be happy and ove on and not let the past ruin what i have now but i am really struggling.

Sorry for ranting any advice or anyone in a similar situation would help me. I feel so alone in this.
Thanks for reading this

AuntieMoosie

23-02-13, 02:09

I'm so sorry you had such a painful and abusive childhood hun.

I also had an upsetting childhood, though, thankfully, I wasn't abused in any way. But I grew up without either of my parents.

The best advice that I can give you is for you to try psychotherapy. It's an intense therapy, is a lot of hard work and can be emotionally painful at times, but, in my opinion, it's the best therapy to deal with things from your past :)

I had it for 4 years. The first 3 were one to one and the 4th year I was in a group. Of course, yours may be completely different to mine as therapy's are usually tailored to our individual needs :)

Have you tried to contact any of the charities that offer help and advice to those who have suffered childhood abuse?? That may be helpful to you also, as you would be talking to people and perhaps making friendships with people who have been through the very same thing as you :) You can either google charities in your area that offer that kind of support, or visit your local Councils website, they're usually listed on there too or your doctor or GP practice will probably have details of organisations too :)

I wish you all the best hun :hugs: :bighug1:

R.Barratt

23-02-13, 09:36

thank you for your kind words auntiemoose :)
I have gone to my gp who simply said my self harming was just a phrase and i would get over it. I did get counselling once a week but since i have turned 18 they were meant to refer me to an adult councelling service. But they havent.
Which has made everything much worse, my anxiety my depression and especially my paranoia as i feel everyone is against me. I have taken my councillors and other services as not helping me as a sign that i should give up.
I have contacted a sexual abuse charity who seem nice so fingers crossed they will get back to me. But i dont have much hope. As these people always seem nice promise to help and then do nothing and leave you struggling on your own

Tessar

23-02-13, 10:03

Hello Rebecca. Your post made me feel sad because I relate to much of what you have said. I can feel your pain and the difficulties you are going through. I could never claim to understand how you feel but I can at least offer you some support and let you know that I am sending you warm and meaningful hugs.
I’m very glad that you have been able to share your story here and also feel that you have been very courageous in doing so because speaking about such painful experiences is never easy. Doing so is a huge step in the right direction.
Sometimes just being able to make a statement about what happened is a relief. Also it does release emotions for you I am sure and most probably very difficult ones.
Just like you I did everything within my power to repress my unhappy upbringing. After my older brothers left home, things did improve and I started living my life. But I still struggled with self-esteem and confidence. I never really accepted my worth in life. Decades later it all came back to bite me. In a matter of weeks my life came to a standstill. I had no idea what was going on. Auntie Moose is right about seeking therapy. Therapy is what pulled me out of a deep, dark hole. Without it I would probably still be there. It put my life back on track and my feeling is that therapy is the right way forward for you.
The experiences you had at the hands of cruel and vindictive people – people who should have had your best interests at heart – are just awful. It makes me feel angry that you had to go through that. To survive all of this you must have great strength. But fighting against experiences such as these do take their toll and no doubt your resolve is low now because you have put so much into just surviving.
It makes me cry to think about all of this because I can feel your pain. I do urge you to seek professional help because although therapy cannot unfortunately erase the painful memories, what it can do is help you to reflect on the past and also release the emotions that are tied up inside you. It unpicks the complex feelings you have and helps you to relate current feelings and strategies that you developed as a child, which worked for you then but may not be working now as an adult.
You are a credit to yourself, Rebecca, really you are. I would love to be able to say that I can come along and change everything in your past so you had a warm and happy childhood but of course that isn’t in my power. But what I can do is offer you friendship and support. This may not be much in the grand scheme of things but I know from kindness shown to me here by other members that their words have helped me through some difficult days.
So I’m hoping my little ramble here offers you some respite from your dark place and that maybe everyone here at NMP can help you along the way. Also I do feel that its really lovely you have a partner who is clearly very caring and also is able to relate to your moods as well. It may not seem a huge thing but it will make a difference to you that he can support you through this.
Finally, your post wasn’t a rant I’m pleased you were able to share. Hopefully you’ll find you can continue sharing as that will be helpful to you I am sure.

ps: i've just quickly read your latest post; please dont give up; unfortunatey one of the things that therapy and or counselling does, is highlight the problems and experiences you had and of course the the emotions come to the surface. it can be a difficult time but although hard it is an important part of the healing process. i'm many years your senior, rebecca, and am struggling with emotions of my own with are to do with stuff that happened over 30 years ago. so dont give up because it will come good for you if you keep at it.

Punkachoo

23-02-13, 10:04

Tessar

23-02-13, 11:09

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood, no one should have to go through that. I can't offer much advice, I'm struggling to cope with things that have happened in my life too.

All I can say is, fingers crossed, best of luck, and I hope you get through it all. I hope you stop feeling as if everyone is against you, I know it's hard, I have that often. But it isn't true. Good luck with the charity, hopefully they will help you. Take best care of yourself. Never give up, you deserve to be happy.
everyone deserves to be happy, including you Punkachoo.
Here's hugs for anyone4 who has been affected by their past or for that matter anyone struggling with current issues too. Just hugs all round basically.
:hugs::grouphug::bighug1::grouphug: :hugs::grouphug::bighug1::grouphug:
:hugs::grouphug::bighug1::grouphug: :hugs::grouphug::bighug1::grouphug:
:hugs::grouphug::bighug1::grouphug: :hugs::grouphug::bighug1::grouphug:

R.Barratt

23-02-13, 14:43

Tessar

23-02-13, 16:24

first of all thank you so much tessar for all your kind words :) i really do appreciate them. I understand i need help nd support through this yes i am strong but i still need people. So i am trying to get counselling an therapy but in england the mental health system is not good so i am continousley being ignored. So its very difficult. I just want them to do their jobs. Now i have started turning to charities hoping they are different an will help me. At the minute i cant even live day by day everything is hour by hour because of how low i am feeling. I just want these professionals to help me
hi rebecca; thank you for what you said. You know as well (since here you are offering people support and advice yourself) we all like to help each other on NMP. It is a real community. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the help you need is forthcoming but meanwhile You'd be welcome to message me if you like. I might not be an expert in therapy but i have been through stuff that might mean i can be helpful or just offer a listening ear or indeed a virtual shoulder to cry on if need be. Keep in touch here wont you because having people listening to you is very important. Also remember in all this that YOU are important too. I would like for nothing else than you to journey away from this horrible place you find yourself in and that the things which are paralysing you at the moment will ease enough that you can move on in life. The past does shape us but as people have said to me... it doesnt have to define who or what you are for the rest of your life. When that professional help is forthcoming, you can make improvements and will find the happier place that you are looking for and that you deserve to be in.:)
But dont forget we're all here for you.

Col

23-02-13, 19:57

Bless you, it's hard when you have had a turbulent past I personally tend to get very cross and angry about stuff wishing and kicking myself as to why did I let certain family members namely my parents take the piss with me, not only as a kid but especially as a young women trying to make a family life of my own. It's hard to get over it, I know!

Keep talking and as I can see you have a lot of support on here XXX

R.Barratt

24-02-13, 11:14

Thank you Col :)
Im sorry you have struggled with your parents as well. Usually i dont take rubbish off anyone but i alow my mum to walk all over me i always have. Because i love her so much and i still have hope she will love me too one day but i think deep down i know she never will or maybe does but siply isnt capable of showng it. xxx

Daisy Sue

24-02-13, 11:35

As a mum myself, it sickens me to hear how some parents can do so many wrongs to their kids, ruin their childhood and innocence, and give them years of emotional pain to unravel... my heart goes out to you Rebecca, and I wish that one day you will be able to look at your past without it hurting you so much, and wrecking your days.

There are so many issues in your post, including the family friend part that made me wonder if you should actually go to the police with this, but that depends on how strong you feel about it, and if you could actually face any consequences it may bring..

But for now, the most important thing is you... keep on nagging all the relevant bodies who give help to abuse victims, don't give up... the services are there for you, you have as much right as anyone else to their help & advice.

Have you tried the help phonelines at all?

((big hugs)) girl, you'll get there... and remember none of this is your fault. x

Col

24-02-13, 14:19

My mums the same she has seriously caused me some grief and major major problems durring my adult life , also! I don't particularly like her or long for her love or affection, I'm very strong like that and not needy or feeling I miss something! On the surface we can ignore stuff now and have a girly chit chat , don't get me wrong BUT she has flare ups of bad behaviour , still! So I will never forgive her , ever! I'm just ok for the sake of my little kids and because I'm naturally quite easy going - lifes to short, kind of person! However deep down , like I've said due tomy anger still, it's obvious I don't & won't forgive her. I was a good kid, never brought trouble or drugs or anything like that to my parents door and theres nothing at all I can think of, that warrants my parents behaviour towards me. My brother & hubby say the same often, they say I don't know what it is aboutu why they behave so bad towards you! I was their first born and I've married a man they don't like purely on cultural grounds. Read col stats if u like .

Takecare of yourself X

R.Barratt

24-02-13, 20:46

Thank you Daisy Sue :) for your kind words and advice. Dont worry i will keep nagging and if i am not strong enough to do so my partner will. I hope some one will listen soon and care enough to help me. I wish i had a caring mum like you. Tonight i spent 3 and a half hours discussing my mum with my partner trying to fnd out why she doesnt love me. My partner was sicened when he found out some of the things she has done to me and my siblings and doesnt realise why i still love her and want a relationship with her. But i love her and she is my mum. But she seems to just hate me and wont acknowledge the pst and ll she has done. Fingers crossed i will find solace and peace soon xxx

---------- Post added at 20:46 ---------- Previous post was at 20:43 ----------

Thankk you Col :) for sharing i guess. It sounds like we are in similar situations but i would like a relationship with her and i could forgive her if she acknoledged what she had done and apologised. But i know she will never do that she is too cold and distant. But i always wonder why she doesnt love me. I know i need to be strong like you and just deal with it but i am finding that very difficult to do xxx

Tessar

25-02-13, 14:09

Oh my goodness; I read these last few posts and it really struck a massive chord with me. Time to go & make a cuppa because I do go on a bit here..........

Its so hard when you make a realisation such as your mum not loving you. Whilst this must be very hard to bear, I feel glad that you are making the realisation now and not in decades to come. You sound so like me. There are many similarities between us.
My oldest & youngest brothers dont remember me being emotionally abused by my 2 middle brothers. I feel quite hurt that 2 of my brothers say they dont remember. I feel like they doesnt believe me. Realistically, maybe they didnt know. My parents deny all knowledge of it. It's hard sometimes as I only have 1 brother who acknowledges what happened (& thats because he was one of my abusers). During therapy, I turned to him & he apologised. We re-built our relationship. Were I not to have him to back me up, I really wonder if I would believe my memories or just feel they were imagined. Despite his part in the abuse he really has been very strong for me. I am able to say anything to him without being judged. He validates everything.
There are things my other abusive brother did to me that nobody except my partner & therapist (from a while back) and current counsellor know. It's hard not to tell my family more of what he did to me but having already brought the general subject of the abuse up with my parents & got nowhere (except being rejected & told to "leave it in the past") If I were to tell them, I feel they'd turn against me further. Also there are things I know my parents did to my 3rd brother. I doubt he'll remember as he was too young but I saw something written down which is how I found out. Thought I feel he is entitled to know, I cant imagine the damage it would do to him if I did. I feel in that case I have to leave it alone.
Unfortunately my most abusive brother died last year. This made talking about everything much harder within our family. Its why my parents closed ranks on me recently.
I think where I am going with this is that it is very hard for others within a family to comprehend or even come to terms with things that went on - especially if they were unaware or maybe had a feeling something wasnt right but didnt know for sure.
I relate to your situation with your mum strongly; When I read your comment "Because i love her so much and i still have hope she will love me too one day but i think deep down i know she never will or maybe does but simply isnt capable of showng it". I would say it is likely she is not capable of showing love. Maybe its not just to you she cant do that but perhaps with people generally. I always felt it was me my mother didnt love. But my counsellor has suggested it could be my mother isnt able to do that with all people.
I understand totally that you would want to hold out hope one day she will demonstrate love to you. Holding onto that hope is a good thing but..... what I do feel is you need to live your life for yourself. Live your life as yourself.
Please dont make the mistake I did which was to live life in a way that I thought would please my parents. Years and years I tried to be the daughter they wanted. I guess that meant I was never truly myself. This is why I have so many difficulties now as I feel like my life has been frustating. I did waste years anticipating one day my parents would become loving. I still yearn for my mothers touch; a hug or a gentle kiss. But whilst I can remember he being like that when i was a small child, she changed since then. Perhaps when I was little, she was able to show affection but after all my brothers grew up & became burley, loud & sometimes aggresive towards her, it all went wrong. Because I was the vulnerable little girl I suppose I did become a target. My mother couldnt cope with my emotions.
I'd encourage you to work on this in the way that you are. But do be careful because it is extremly triggering to have some of these feelings. They can be very overwhelming & you are young & impressionable. You also appear to me to have a very adult head on a young body. This is good too as it means you are able to reflect on your past. But again, dont let it do to you what it did to me.
My father said to me the other day "from what i gather you are talking about things that happened over 30years ago". He was right. I am. There are things since then that have contributed but most of my abuse was a lifetime ago. I shut the door on my past til about 10 yrs ago when I was deeply depressed. Therapy made me see the damage it had done.
So, I really hope that with some form of professional help you will be able to unpick your past too. It must be terribly difficult to feel the way you do. So much frustration. So much desire for things to be acknowledged by family members. She is your mum & I relate to you loving her. But make sure in your life you put yourself first. Dont let her abuse you ever again.
Your mum is probably scared to take any responsibility; Perhaps rather than hating you, it might be she hates what she has done to you.
As regards finding solace and peace these are things you can find in life. Talking about and reflecting upon what happened is a big step towards those things.
Oh to have that apology. You are right that most likely she will never do that. If she does remain cold and distant that is no reflection on you.
I totally relate to you wondering why she might not love you. I think along those lines about my mother all the time. I just cant shake it off. I've been through it with my counsellor & I know in my mind (backed up by facts) that its my mother who has the problem here. I know that. I also know in my mind that I am a kind, caring person who has never hurt anyone deliberately in my life. I hate the idea anything I might say or do would make another person uncomfortable.
Despite going out of my way to please my parents, now after living over half my life, I wish I had seen things differently at a younger age. But I guess this realisation for me has only come with time.
I feel very relieved that you are so much younger than me and making these important realisations.
I wholeheartedly encourage you to keep up the good work because your thread really hit home to me.
I believe you can be strong but it is hard work dealing with such emotive stuff like this. But dealing with it is going to lead to a happier life for you.
Dont ever forget that what happened is absolutely no reflection on you whatsoever. Its clear to me you are a kind & thoughtful person. If you werent you'd have given up on your mother long ago.
If you need to chat, more here or through PM's - please do and sorry to ramble on for so long but I have sooooooooooo much to say on this matter.

R.Barratt

25-02-13, 15:06

Dont worry that you are rambling Tessar i really appreciate evrything you have to say and how much you are trying t help me. I am so used to feeling alone and just having to deal with it or turning to people and they just tell me to leave t in the past or they give my mum excuses.
It is comforting knowing i am not crazy and that you understand also how hard it is to give up hope on those you love especially your family. I am sorry you have also been through so much abuse and have struggled so much to deal with it.
It is definetly a struggle to have all of these emotions and thoughts going through your head 24/7 and a part of you wants to talk about it to come to a positive conclusion but another part of me feels i will neevr get anywhere with it as i have struggled wiht the same questions for many years. Why was i abused? Why doesnt my Mum love me? Why doesnt anyone believe me?
I have spoken to many councillors and people about it and none of them understand why i am still trying to get her love and why i even want it after all she has done to me and my siblngs. I dont evven understand myself. In my head i have put her on a pedastool and idolised her thinking she is beautiful and amazing in everyway. Giving her excuses for how she asks as i still feel the need to defend her but after 18 years its becoming harder and harder as she is still exactly the same and everything i have done to get her to notice my pain has been in vain she is still cold and emmotionless.
I hope with therapy, friends and my partner i will learn to deal with it. And get help to deal with the other abuse i was subjected to as a child. As i have so many dreams and aspirations and i know if i dont deal with these problems that have plagued me all my life i will never achieve my dreams

Tyke

04-03-13, 11:48

This is an awful thing to go through. I have issues with my past due to emotional abuse within the family. Both my parents are dead and I always felt unloved and uncared for after what went on. There was never really any acknowledgement of the true situation at home, just put on an act for anyone who came round so we would look like a normal family. I still hurt from what went on, but realize neither of my parents where capable of loving properly and at least I have reached a point where I am happy with myself to some degree. I value my qualities now (as does my partner) and if other dysfunctional people in the family or anywhere else can't see them then that is their problem. The only things anyone wanted to do in my childhood was bullying, controlling, manipulating and dividing people to get what they wanted. Love didn't come into it. Thank god I came through it with some normality intact.

I think you have to reach a stage where you see your parents for what they really were and move on. Them denying your abuse is cruel. You can never get people to love you who aren't capable of loving. That doesn't mean that you aren't a worthwhile loveable person yourself with good qualities, but that's what you would probably need to work on in therapy if you are struggling to see it. It is NOT your fault you were abused. No one deserves that.