Breathing anxiety - please help

[Catherine84]

I am posting about a problem I have been having for the last few days that has completely consumed my life. Basically I have been 'hyper aware' of my breathing to the point where I am now consciously controlling every breath. I don't want to be doing this, but I just cannot let go. The only time I get any relief is when I am asleep. However I cannot get to sleep by myself and have been self medicating with alcohol the past few days. I don't want to go down this road - I have seen what alcohol has done to people in my family. I have been waking up with extreme panic attacks about this to the point where I am being sick and crying my eyes out.

It has got to the point where I have even thought about taking my own life. The thought of another 50 years where I am monitoring every breath every day is absolute torture. I have tried and tried to distract myself with tv programmes, computer games and puzzle books, but none of these things works and i have just now lost interest in everything. Even getting in the shower is an effort, let alone leaving the house. I was at work on Monday - I have now been signed off sick and I'm sure noone else will understand what the problem is. Even just typing this post is a huge effort. I may let go for a breath or two at most and then I realise and panic. I constantly wonder how many times I am breathing a minute, if I am breathing at the correct depth and I have come to hate the sensation of it to the point I wish I didn't have to breathe at all. I would honestly rather be in extreme pain than this - it is the worst feeling in the world. I know that my body will breathe by itself, I know that - I think the panic is not being in control and worrying I will never be able to let go. I'd much rather be aware of blinking for example than this - the sensation is unbearable.

Every minute of every day seems like an eternity - it is making me incredibly depressed - I am not eating, my stomach is in knots. I really would rather be dead than this and I am so desperate for some help.

I have just taken my first diazepam 5mg on the insistance of the mental health doctor, but I don't feel any less anxious, nor less depressed. I have to take 5mg three times a day and I just want to take the next one already. And now I know that I cannot have a drink tonight and at least escape for a few hours, it is going to be a hellish night. I really need some help as I feel I have reached the end of the road with my life :-(

Catherine

[Charlie11]

Hi Catherine not alone. I was doing so well the last couple of weeks and for the last few days I have felt the anxiety building. Like you I have tried to keep myself busy. Woke upto day and my anxiety is through the roof. Like wise just taken 5 mgs diazipam and am nothing going to go for a bath. Hopefully get ut for a walk or something. Hang in there we can beat this :hugs:

[Catherine84]

Hi Charlie, thank you for your reply. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone in this. It really is the worst thing in the world isn't it? I am sitting in the bath at the moment in a desperate effort to relax, posting this from my phone. I will try your suggestion of going for a walk, even though it is the hardest thing in the world at the moment. I am going to go out and get my prescription for some sleeping tablets to see if they will at least allow me to get a good night's sleep tonight. It sounds dreadful but the thought of not being able now to get some relief from a drink just for a few hours tonight is filling me with dread. I know deep down it is not the answer, but I feel so good for a few hours it almost doesn't matter at the time. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you had your anxiety for? I have never had anything this bad and the thought of never overcoming it terrifies me. You said you felt it was under control for a couple of weeks - it is good to know that there is sometimes light at the end of the tunnel. We CAN beat this - it is just so hard to see for me at the moment.
Take care of yourself (hugs)
Catherine xxx

[Pinktel]

Hi Catherine
I have totally been where you are so don't panic. Nothing bad will happen to you, you may exhaust yourself with it all, you may have scary feelings and feel like you are losing your sane mind, but you won't. You will carry on living, breathing and the next day will become the following day and so on and so on.

What I am trying to say is that you can try and meddle with your breathing all you want but you won't do yourself harm from it physically, other than maybe the odd tired muscle, stretched ligament etc which is of no concern.

Obviously of more concern is your mental health in all this, but again, you can't make yourself go mad from it, you just will tire your mind and give yourself more anxiety symptoms. Horrid as that all is, remember your life will still carry on regardless of what you feel you have to do with your breathing.

There is no need to focus on breathing rates, I have been there, thinking I don't breathe even 12 times a minute... Omg that must mean I need to breathe more, quick hyperventilate....:D it will get you nowhere, some monks who meditate get down to 3 or 4 breaths a minute. Some people function very well on nearer 20 breaths a minute.

I don't know how old you are but I am approaching my 40 th this year and when I have bad breathing days I tell myself my body has managed perfectly well for around half of those years when I have been asleep and not in conscious control of my breathing.

This is one of those times you are going to have to have faith in your brain, lungs and diaphragm and leave them alone to just get on with things, but equally you can carry on trying to override it all and suffer the horrid side effects of that but know that you will still end up being fine, just a bit tired and anxious :)

[luvlifensmile]

i feel like you have read my mind by writing this post...i too have had and still do at times, experience breathing anxiety....i also find that i am a shallow breather...i did some research on shallow breathing and all the problems it can cause (nothing life threatening) so i have been trying to retrain my brain and practice deep breathing exercises...when i first started, i would get light headed but now that it's been a few weeks, it's not as bad....but i still feel myself paying attention to almost every breath i take but it doesn't send me into a panic attack anymore...have faith, it does get better :D

[Catherine84]

Hi Pinktel,

Thank you for replying and for your support and advice. When you had the breathing issues, was it every breath from the moment you woke up to when you went to sleep? Some people say they get respite when they are distracted, but I get none at all :-(

I know deep down I am not going to die from this - it's more hating the physical sensation and almost wishing I didn't have to breathe, though I don't know why I am so alarmed by it. I have had this in the past, but never this badly - it has been on and off for the past 5 years (I'm 28 now).

Were you on any medication for it and did it help? I am finding the diazepam is doing nothing to take the edge off and my heart is racing constantly.
I did take some norethisterone for a few days to delay a period for a trip, and I seemed to be my normal self until I came off those.

I am so depressed right now, I really can't face the thought of going through each day like this and just want to end it all :-(

Catherine xx

[Charlie11]

Hi Catherine I have anxiety on and off most of my life I'm now 44 was on the same med for 17 yrs and felt it wasn't working so with docs help decided to come of it. Horrendous wish I had never tampered with the meds. Have been on Prozac since the 28th nov last increase 18th January now on 60 mgs. Mirtazipine to help with sleep 30 mgs propranol 120 mgs diazipam as and when required ( not working today). The only thing I can think has started it up again is my period. Funny how you said you had delayed yours. I'm almost positive a lot of my anxiety is hormanal. Like you I was also self medicating with alcohol and you are so right it does make you feel normal for a couple of hours. I had completely stopped for 3 wks and last night had 3 glasses this could also be causing my anxiety it's a vicious circle. A lot of people recommend a website called excellife I think. It has breathing/ relaxing excercises. Just in from walk with the dog will try to,keep,busy. Keep in touch:hugs:

[Pinktel]

Hi Catherine
Yes some days all day most every breath, some days not so bad, some days nothing.
Exercise helped regulate it a bit for me, nothing over strenuous but housework or dog walking.
Never taken meds as have been too anxious to dabble with my already messed up mind, but certainly have had periods where I self medicated with alcohol. Bear in mind I am older than you and have had most every neuroses going, panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety, health anxiety, hyperventilation syndrome, derealisation and fleeting depersonalisation, the only thing I haven't had is OCD although as I think about it now, perhaps the obsession with breathing is compulsive because I felt if I didn't take control of it it would stop happening! :D
Not saying that meds wouldn't have helped me, especially when my family were younger maybe, but just knew they weren't for me, I needed to know that the feelings I was experiencing were all being generated by me alone and nothing else in that way I have always felt more empowered to deal with them as I had conjured them up in the first place anyway :D
Cbt is helping me now, plus relaxation, meditation and mindfulness.
In a way, it doesn't matter what your obsessional thought is about, breathing, heart rate, having everything clean, food... The list is as limitless as our imaginations allow, it boils down to us having to battle our own thoughts and finding the best way to do that is essentially stopping the fight.
Once you get to a point where you don't care that you are trying to control the breathing, when you can just allow yourself to breathe however you decide fit and don't mind that your consciousness is trying to overrule everything, you will start to switch off from it all as your mind will no longer see it as a problem.

It will think "Catherine doesn't seem to be anxious about the fact tHat she is trying to control when she takes each breath, she must not care about doing it now, it's not a worry for her, we can relax our focus on that now"
Even if you are still counting each breath, as long as you are just going with that with an "oh well" attitude, the anxiety will begin to abate.
Of course you may find it redirects the focus to another silly symptom or thought, but you just apply the same reasoning to that as well.

[Catherine84]

Hi everyone,

Thank you very much for your support these last few hours - I have really appreciated it and it is helping me get through an extremely difficult time.

I have been out for a couple of hours - was so reluctant to go out for fear of having a panic attack in public and people thinking I had entirely lost it, but my mother (I am staying with her for a few days as my partner is working full time during the day and I don't know what I would have done by now had I been left on my own) and partner have been trying to cheer me up. It hasn't helped shift my focus from the breathing, but at least I know there are people there to support me and I know I would hurt them terribly if I did something stupid. I have bought a couple of relaxation cds to try and help me sleep tonight as I am not going to drink (I know drinking is not a long term solution - as the mental health person put it 'it is a 2 hour high for a 24 hour low. I have also heard that mixing diazepam and alcohol can be fatal, ironically enough from your body forgetting to breathe because it is so relaxed. It is just so hard when my family are having some red wine with their meal, and I am unable to have any). I have decided that I will take the zopiclone if I really cannot sleep.

It is reassuring to know that this can be beaten, as you have all said, a lot of it is mind over matter. I really admire the fact that some of you are able to get by without medication and are strong enough to tell yourself it is just a irrational phobia, which I know deep down it is. I have just admitted for the time being that I may need a little help in the meantime. Hopefully if the medication removes some of the anxiety, I can then tackle the positive thought processes with a more sound frame of mind. I just don't want to become too dependent on medication in case I cannot break the habit and as one of you said, I can imagine the withdrawals are pretty frightful. I am actually going down the CBT route myself, it just takes a while to be referred, and I was getting so desperate I didn't think I would be able to wait for that long. But I hope that the CBT will be able to help me more than medication in the long run.

I just want to be myself again more than anything. I haven't eaten much at all the last few days and I'm rapidly losing weight, which is obviously worrying my partner and mother when I am quite small anyway. I had a period of severe illness (thought to be chronic fatigue syndrome) a few years ago, which caused my weight to drop below 8 stone and several people were commenting on how thin I was - it took about a year to put it back on, as opposed to a week or two to lose it. I also need to get back to work, as I was signed off for three months when I had this illness, and I am worried if I go sick again, they will fire me. One of my friends is having a party next week, and I don't feel I can even face that at the moment.

I need to keep telling myself that I can beat this, and reminding myself of your experiences that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I am really glad that I found this forum, and everyone seems really supportive - I really appreciate it.

Best wishes,
Catherine x

[Catherine84]

Hi everyone,

I have managed to get through the weekend with varying levels of success, but I always seem to be worst when I wake up in the morning. I am feeling rather hopeless again today and like there is no respite from this at all. I have tried your suggestion of trying to less bothered by the physical sensation, but I can still always feel it there and just wish I could get my normal self back.even going out for a couple of walks has not helped me switch off from it. I have bought a couple of craft kits and managed to make myself a necklace last night, but the whole time I was still focused in on it. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon - it is just difficult at the moment when every day seems to last so long and the CBT appointment seems an age away to me.

I have been keeping up with the diazepam 5mg, but at most they seem to take the edge off it and just exhaust me and make me feel weird. I don't know if this is a normal dose for extreme anxiety or if I need something stronger or different. I don't want want to become entirely dependent on meds - I hope the CBT will help me get my life back, but I need something to help me until I can get my appointment. What is made worse is the doctor only gave me enough of a dose for three days - my last dose is today and then I will have nothing at all, so I will most likely be climbing the walls tomorrow, and self medicating with alcohol is not an option as I hear that the diazepam takes days to get out of your system (is this correct and does anyone have any advice on this front?) and even though admittedly at the moment it wouldn't even bother me that much, I don't know what effect it would have on my partner and family if I died from mixing the two.

If anyone has any further advice to get me through the next few days until my appointment, this would be really appreciated - things are getting pretty desperate.

[xvolatileheart]

Catherine, I have obsessive breathing thoughts too. Some days they are non-stop, some days I am too distracted with other obsessive thoughts. I used to be really fit and exercise a lot, but I can't do it anymore because the thoughts get worse when I'm exercising (even just walking uphill or walking to the bus stop). I will think my breathing isn't slowing down and that must mean something is wrong, then I'm trying to control my breathing and it gets worse. It's a terrible cycle.

So I've forced myself to get back into yoga because it's a healthy way to think about breathing and I follow along with what the instructor says. Generally, breathing exercises are my worst nightmare because the last thing I want is to focus MORE on my breath, but I really do enjoy yoga.

Last thing to say is, I too can overindulge in alcohol because I love the temporary peace. But it's so not worth it for the enhanced anxiety the next day. You will learn to cope without the alcohol! Don't give in because it will only hinder you.

You're not alone. I wish I had the answer, but I've been dealing with those awful thoughts for over a year now and I don't have the magic solution. We're here for support when you need it! :hugs:

[lotus]

Dear Catherine

This is called Sensorimotor OCD
Please take a look at the following links:

http://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/when-automatic-bodily-processes-become-conscious-how-to-disengage-from-sens

http://www.steveseay.com/sensorimotor-body-focused-obsessions-ocd/

Dr. Seay gives really good advice in his article. You have to identify your triggers and feared outcomes and do exposures do habituate to these sensations.

[Catherine84]

Hello lotus and xvolatileheart,

Thank you for your messages. I seemed to have my anxiety at least a little under control yesterday, but since I have had a particularly bad morning, despite the doctor giving me some more diazepam (enough for three more days), and feel I have taken several steps backwards. I am again wondering how I can possibly live the rest of my life like this and whether I can face it. I have my partner, friends and family tell me I am a strong person, and that I have overcome many difficult situations in the past, but none are as difficult as confronting the mind and negative thoughts (it is the most powerful thing), and I feel at times as though I am fighting a losing battle.

I tell myself to pull myself together, that I am very lucky and that things could be so much worse in my life, but none of that seems to sink in.

I will definitely read through the links - I never knew that there was an actual name for this condition, and it has helped me realise that I am not crazy, and it has been seen in lots of people before. I have managed to get an appointment with a therapist this afternoon out of desperation while I wait for my referral, and I will mention this condition to him.

Thank you again for your support,
Catherine x

[lotus]

There is a way out of this. Definitely show this information to the therapist, most therapists don't know enough about this condition. The way to deal with it is through gradual exposure to triggers and feared thoughts/sensations, without any kind of compulsive behavior /as strange as it may seem, distraction attempts are a type of compulsion/. Whatever makes you anxious, that's exactly what you should be doing, in a structured and organized way. That way you can become habituated and desensitized to the sensations. The goal at this point should be not to eliminate the awareness, but to become less bothered by it. Dr. Seay has some good pointers, but working with a specialist is best.

[BobbyDog]

Dear Catherine

This is called Sensorimotor OCD
Please take a look at the following links:

http://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/when-automatic-bodily-processes-become-conscious-how-to-disengage-from-sens

http://www.steveseay.com/sensorimotor-body-focused-obsessions-ocd/

Dr. Seay gives really good advice in his article. You have to identify your triggers and feared outcomes and do exposures do habituate to these sensations.


Thank you Lotus,
Had a look at the link: beyondocd.org
I have the breathing problem and did not realise it was a form or OCD, very informative website. I have previously searched for information regarding this problem and not found any information.

[evilimbic]

My first anxiety symptoms (before I even knew there was such a thing as panic attacks) were a sort of smothering breathing problem a bit like having a wet towel over your nose and mouth :/ I found some limited relief from distraction (playing patience) however what I did do and would urge anyone NEVER to do is to concentrate on another physical symptom as that just turns that into the problem which may turn out to be even worse :( I hope the diazapam helps - it does take 30-45 mins to kick in (at least it does for me)

[maddierose98]

Hey Catherine, I completely understand where you're at. For me this started about two weeks ago, just before I'd go to sleep then is wake up and forget about it. But yesterday morning I went out for a walk with my mum and I just became so aware about my breathing!! I feel I have to concentrate on it otherwise ill forget to breathe and die. It sounds so stupid :( I feel like I'm not breathing properly. I have been taking Lovan (SSRI antidepressant for two days with NO side effects which I was petrified of. How are you feeling currently? Best wishes xxxx