What happened to me?!

[Em.ma]

Last night I went out with my friends.
I was either not going to drink alcohol or have one drink and then soft drinks:weep:.
Well it didn't happen quite like that.
I ended up having a complete breakdown in front of the only two friends that I have got. Tears , screaming how I couldn't live like this any longer to them. Ranting and raving to them about my health anxiety, about how I hate my self so much (I really do hate everything about my self). About how my life isn't worth it and why are we all here because we just die anyway?. At one point I think I told my best friend that if I wasn't scared of death and dying I would do something about it (I don't like to post things like this normally).
Maybe now they half understand that I can't go on like this?
But now everything just goes back to normal and I pretend that I'm alright again. I'm far from alright. I'm never happy. I see no real reason to wake up each morning. My life serves no purpose . It makes me unhappy and makes people around me unhappy so why bother? They probably will never speak to me again now and then I will be completely alone. Alcohol and anxiety really do not mix together well at all.
I'm also a complete non smoker . Had never even tried a drag of a fag till last night and it made me cough and cough and cough. And my throat feels awful now and my head well this is the worst headache ever.
I'm a stupid girl I know.

[Daisy Sue]

You're not stupid, you're poorly.

Please go see your doctor, or ring your counsellor if you have one, and tell them what you've just told us.

Your friends, if they're good ones, will still be there for you. x

[Annie0904]

Oh Emma, Daisy Sue is right you are not stupid at all. I am sure the alcohol did make you worse last night and could also contribute to how you feel today but don't blame yourself for that. Sending you hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[lily413]

You're not stupid at all! We've all been there! Don't let last night add to your worries, move on from it. You're friends will of course still be there for you if they are worth having. Are you having therapy?

[Em.ma]

Thank you guys.
I'm still at my friends waiting for my parents to leave before I go home as I'm genuinely scared of their reaction of what happened. They'd be able to smell the smoke on my clothes.
My dads very angry with me for taking thr day off work Thursday . I felt ill (mentally) and needed a day off to think he didn't see it like that and told me i
lied to my boss about being ill and I was perfectly fine. I am not. I am Ill. It's just because people can not see it doesn't mean I am not Unwell :(.
I understand about taking my time off. I felt guilty for taking the day off aswell. I just needed the time away from everything . I have the most unsupportive parents in the world. They really don't care and they scare me aswell. I'm genuinely scared of them. Too scared to even talk to my dad after Thursday can't even look at him.
Sometimes I wish my illness was physical so then people would be willing to help me.
I've brushed my teeth, chewed gum but can still taste cigarette smoke. :(. Have I given my self cancer ?

I know alcohol turns me into a depressive and I wasn't planning on having any it just happened and every time I drink I mess everyone else's night up!! I'm shocked I even have two friends at all.
Life just sucks.

---------- Post added at 12:19 ---------- Previous post was at 12:16 ----------

I am currently waiting for a cbt referral how ever I now doubt that and whether I need to see a counsellor again or not?
Can't say last time made much difference.

[Annie0904]

Emma after trying a cigarette for the first time you will NOT have given yourself cancer. You are right you are ill Emma and it is hard for others to understand how our illness affects us. Maybe you should make an appointment with your GP and tell him that things are getting harder for you to cope with. More hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[puppyskin]

I think that is a positive step.....to be able to get out your emotions,me,i just put on a brave face pretending everything is rosey when its far from it,i'm sure you will be fine don't be ashamed of who you are.

[Em.ma]

Thanks for the support on here guys.
At least here we all understand .
Thanks annie:hugs:
I think I will have to back to the gp. Things are getting to much again x

---------- Post added at 14:36 ---------- Previous post was at 13:49 ----------

I've eaten. Brushed teeth. Chewed gum. Used mouthwash. Showered . Clean clothes and I can still taste and smell the smoke!! Will my parents know :(

[lily413]

I have never been a smoker but when I had a cigarette a while ago I could still taste the smoke for the whole of the next day. I think the taste finally went when I woke up on the second morning after smoking. If your parents smell the smoke on your clothes then just say you were standing next to someone who was smoking! This is totally believable. When smoking was allowed inside pubs I always used to come home stinking of cigarette smoke.

[miggymoggy]

Hey, I've been there and I'm sure lots of people on here have. It is an illness, you're right, just an invisible one, but a painful one.
I;'ve had days when I couldn't face going into work, scared I would have a panic attack or pass out from fear.
I have to say cbt really really helped me, though I doubted it would. For a year now I have been free of anxiety, happy and carefree, the girl I always used to be. People have remarked on my happy and positive manner.
However, I do feel myself slipping backwards now so am trying to talk myself out of it before its get hold.
I am in bed with a bug, worrying it's something much worse, feeling down as no one understands and have tears streaming down my face.
People on here understand - thank god- NO ONE thinks you're silly, but you must get help.
When we are free of anxiety life is wonderful, beautiful, a joy to behold and each day is a miracle to be enjoyed. Believe me, I've been there, and I will get back there.
Stay positive, there is light at the end of the tunnel - I promise. PM if you want a chat xxxxx

[lily413]

miggymoggy,

I know your post was aimed at Em.ma but I just wanted to say it has made me feel a little bit better about getting better. I am at a real low at the moment. I'm so afraid, and haven't had a moments break from HA since Christmas eve when this bout started. I am waiting for the practice manager from a therapy practice to call me back on Monday to arrange an initial meeting for CBT. I am so desperate to get better as the last few months have been awful, and my outlook on life is very bleak at the moment. It's really nice to hear that CBT has been so helpful for you. Don't forget everything you have learnt, and stay strong.

[Em.ma]

Thanks. Miggymoggy some really good advice right their.
I hope their is light. Theirs got to be somewhere along the line!!
Not feeling well at all. Tired. Headache. Was actually better until heating came on so am thinking carbon monoxide as just vomited in my mouth a bit :(....or is that the cigarette I had!!
Every drag I took was accompanied by fits and fits of coughing. I could slap my self for being such an idiot. I can still taste the fag now its nasty and disgusting