Suicidal thoughts

[steveo]

Anyone get them? How do you deal with them.

I have days when I get them really really strongly.

Today is one of them. I've felt emotionally numb now for 2 days. I'm 52 days into nervous breakdown. I've tried so much. Everytime I see light at the end of the tunnel, something happens and that light goes.

I feel like I don't care anymore. My other suicidal thoughts included horrible thoughts of what it would do to those who love me but today I'm not feeling that. I feel so low and constantly scared that I just no longer care what it would do to my loved ones.

I keep having thoughts of walking out the front door and walking out infront of a car or hanging myself.

How do I deal with these thoughts? They are very strong at the moment. I can't remove them.

[bernie1977]

So sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

Had the same feelings many times myself and I scare myself. When I'm like this rather than sit and suffer and feel like I'm going mad as I feel so sad and desperate, I take something to put me to sleep. I know a lot of people won't agree with this but it works for me.

The only thing I can suggest you do is ring No Panic and speak to someone as they're very helpful, if they're closed there's always the Samaritans or MIND.

Remember you are still in recovery and you will have lots more ups and downs. I write down everything that's happened when I've had a good day and read it back when I'm having a bad one. It helps me to remember its not all bad.

Please try and speak to someone :hugs::hugs:

[steveo]

I've had to be taken back home to live with my dad a few day ago. I haven't told him about these feelings.
All I've done all day is just lay in the same position all day. My dad is starting to get fustrated with me. He wants to get me admitted. He's going to look into it tomorrow. I might as well be. I can't look after myself and he's getting sick and tired of me being like this. Might as well be somewhere where people get paid to look after me.

[bernie1977]

I'm so sorry as I know how awful it is to feel like you do.

Apart from the diazepam have you been prescribed any other medication? If so how long have you been taking it? Sorry if I sound nosey but I'm wondering if it's anything to do with your meds. If you do feel like you can't cope you don't have to wait until tomorrow as there are psychiatric emergency teams.

[steveo]

Just started Citalopram again and Pregabalin.

I was on Citalopram before. If you want, I started a blog yesterday and it has my background etc. The link is below this.

[Rennie1989]

How do you feel about the suicidal feelings and thoughts? Do you feel like acting upon them? If you are then I suggest speaking to your doctor/psychiatrist. It could be because you've started Citalopram, but do take care of yourself :)

[bernie1977]

I'm don't have any medical experience but I think it's down to the start up of the drugs.

I discussed diazepam with you yesterday and I think you should take those in the short term to take the edge off the medication kicking in as it's still early days for you. Definitely keep in touch with your GP to let him know what's going on.

I'm going to read your blog now.

---------- Post added at 18:49 ---------- Previous post was at 18:15 ----------

Just read your blog and from past personal experience I'd say it was the start up of your medication that's making you feel worse. I'd definitely give your GP a call tomorrow and see what he/she says.

You're going through a really tough time of it and I genuinely fell for you as I can appreciate how you're feeling now and it's awful. YOU WILL pass through this please believe me.

---------- Post added at 18:51 ---------- Previous post was at 18:49 ----------

When you get back home I would ask for a referral to the mental health team so you don't have to go through this on your own.

[steveo]

I just feel it's a mix of the start up of medication and mental exhaustion from 52 days of a breakdown. I guess I should register with a GP down here for now. The numb feeling has gone a bit now. Suicidal thoughts disappearing slightly.

They were so strong earlier and it's not the first time that they have been that bad. I feel so numb and lifeless when they are there though that I doubt I could act on them. I would probably just dose myself a bit higher than normal on Diazapam and sleep it off.

Today has been horrible. I'll be happy to write today off for the rest of my life.

[AuntieMoosie]

Steve I have sent you a PM :)

[Shelliebean]

Hey, you have summed up pretty much how I'm feeling right now as well. I can empathise with all you wrote. For me I feel I'm using oxygen that somebody more worthy than me should be getting. I'm having a tough time too I'm ready for a head melt. I hope you get the help you need.

[bernie1977]

Glad you're feeling a tiny bit better than before. I'd definitely sort something out with a GP ASAP as you're at your most vunerable when starting medication.

Fingers crossed you have a better day tomorrow.

[puppyskin]

Hey man,i know what youre going through,been there a couple of times,just remember they are only intrusive thoughts nothing else,i remember in the depths clinging to railings as buses went past,i thought i would jump in front of them,give yourself a break and don't take this thing too serious,i know it seems serious but its not,give your body and mind time to heal,acceptance is the key,stay safe.Andrew.

[theharvestmouse]

I was having bad suicidal thoughts in the past few months, I too began thinking about the consequences of it and how it would ruin other peoples lives. I did get days then where I felt as though a deeper force was urging me to just do it without thinking. I had lost interest and it was the thoughts of a continued lonely existence that anxiety had brought me. Also a feeling that suicide was inevitable one day.

But I will say that the mind can alter completely in a short space of time. For me I have had CBT and i have also forced myself to do things that I know make me feel better. I have an allotment and growing things gives me an enormous pleasure, as does nature, being outside. I also have been doing painting as well.

So I empathise with you completely, dark days are a horrible thing to deal with, but things can change, so please believe that you can turn things around.

[steveo]

It's strange how quickly a mood can change. Yesterday I wanted to end my life. Today I don't. And infact after a nice evening and a very long chat with my dad, I feel alot better.

I'm sorry for the dramatic post. I felt so so low yesterday. I'm sure as many of you have said, you can relate to how I felt.

I don't doubt during my recovery that I will get these feelings again as I have a long road ahead of me but I will always remember this post I am writing now as a reminder to myself that 24 hours later, things are better.

Thankyou everyone for your support and PMs. This website has been an absolute god send to me for many years and especially now when I need it the most when I'm at my lowest.

I've met and chatted with some of the most kind hearted and genuinely caring people on here. I wish the world was full of people like all of you.

Thankyou xxx

[AuntieMoosie]

Hello Steve :)

During recovery it is perfectly normal to have black days followed by good days, in fact, early on in my recovery, I could be feeling in the pits of despair in the morning to feeling quite high and merry in the afternoon and sometimes vice the versa :)

This is why I say to take it all as it comes.

I'll tell you how I handled it as best I can.

Imagine a pit......a deep, dark pit, when you were at your lowest you were right in the bottom of this pit.
There's a rope step ladder leading up from this pit.
When recovery starts we make it on to the first step and as we go, bit by bit we can climb a little further.
Now this is what I found most helpful to me, if you hit a black day, it doesn't put you straight back to the bottom of the pit again, you just remain on the step you were on :) Therefore you can never go backwards :) To help me, I even drew me in my pit........well, I say drew but actually I cannot draw to save my life :roflmao: but I did manage a little stick person, which was me, so I could visualise my progress. It did help me at that time :)

To start off with, it will be one step at a time or you may be on the same step as you were the day before, but you can never go back down. Of course, as you get stronger, you might manage more than one step up :)

Just keep going Steve, you're off in the right direction :)

I'm going off to read your blog now :)

[Lissa101]

Hi Steveo, I just read your blog and it's a very good and honest account of experiencing severe anxiety which I could relate to a lot. I've also been experiencing suicidal thoughts for the second time in my breakdown (the first time was when it happened back in June 2012). I don't have much helpful advice apart from keep your head down and get through it. There's a quote I like from Winston Churchill, 'When you're going through hell, keep going.' I repeat this to myself a lot when I get very bad as it reminds me that the only way out of hell is by being strong and carrying on. If you don't you'll stay where you are.

If you have lost all hope and can't imagine a way out at least know that you're not alone and try to take some comfort from that. :hugs:x

Just realized I'm out of date - I should really read the whole of threads! Glad you're feeling better. Onwards and upwards :)

[Col]

Ahhh Stevo, so sorry you were feeling so bad, great advice from auntie Moosie.

Take care X

[AuntieMoosie]

Steve just read your updated blog.

I'm pleased that you've re-named it :) That will help you.

It's interesting about your Mother having anxiety problems too, it's rife in my family but for all sorts of reasons. Some say it is passed down and I do believe there's an element of truth in that, but also I think a whole lot depends on other issues too :)

The bike ride that you went on was great :)

Learning to play the piano is also really good, it will give you something to focus on and something to get enjoyment out of.

I think you're doing really well. You're doing all the right things and you'll be learning so much about yourself that you never knew before.

We have to remember, that becoming unwell through depression or anxiety can be viewed as a positive step for us.......I know that sounds nuts, but it is, in actual fact, quite true. Because it makes us look at ourselves, look at our lives and make changes, from that, we learn all sorts of things making us more confident and self assured :)