grace.M
25-02-13, 11:58
ok so i recently took a big gamble and chose to go on my first art trip with uni(at 19 you'd expect it would be fine to travel everywhere right?), my counsellor did'nt think it was a good idea as id been missing uni for a few weeks and meetings thanks to being in a new wave of high anxiety but I'm so glad i made the jump... even if the trip was anything but relaxing.
I'm really sorry my post is very long!
i was already panicking even before i went, i had no close friends on the trip, luckily a few i knew from my course an i did stick with them for the week. i knew for sure i wouldn't be able to come on the chat here to calm myself down, i very nearly convinced myself not to go the night before.... but i did it! i made it to the bus and started my trip, i was already pretty proud... i'll just let you know about the two things i had major difficulty with n the trip:
- sleep i couldn't relax at all.. even if id been walking all day and just considered a nap my heart was racing and i always had a sense of dread it would take me until stupid o clock in the morning to just be exhausted of the anxiety and get some sleep... on top of that i was trying to stop myself from having a panic attack and running out of my hotel room(i was so not used to this as i ad been living with my boyfriend)... i also found having a couple of glasses of wine was the only thing that got me to sleep for longer than a couple of hours even if it did mean i was on edge in the daytime,
although i made the right choice telling my roommates that i suffered with GAD and thay were really supportive.. but i did my best to hide it because i hate being a burden on anyone, and i would probably hate it if thay started treating me differently because of it.... you know like i would rather sit up and panic instead of telling my new holiday friends that i couldn't sleep.
- sitting down, eating in restaurants or generally stopping anywhere my foot would shake and id be fidgeting all the time and my heart would be hitting the walls of my skull, i had major fear of everything when we stopped anywhere particularly when we were in restaurants or standing around....my anxiety would creep up on me out of no-where and i struggled to hold conversation or even eat my meal i felt so useless as the worry did'nt even need to be there it was secondary like breathing in certain situations a lot of the time. i just stiffened up and had a generally panicy feel to everything around me. another thing that really annoyed me was the depersonalisation i got when i had conversations with people or when we were getting told about what we were doing on the day i would totally zone out and forget what people would say and i would feel like i was detached from everyone it just looked weird and the usual 'I'm going to go crazy' came back too...horrible horrible feeling
But heres the good bit! even though on the 3rd day i was definitely realising why id taken the steps to see doctors, counsellors and ring for CBT,
i deffinatly surprised myself in the bits i had without worry... one of the main reasons i got better was thanks to someone i managed to make a good friendship with also suffered with anxiety and 3 others who were really nice to me...finaly i had a nice distraction and by th 3rd day i was getting a lot less edgy about being around people..i felt better that thay made a few jokes giggling about the many things that scare me or that i worry about. my sleep problems were there until the end of the week and my only escape was the few drinks i had before bed when we went out (lucky i was on a student study trip!) but the anxiety must have affected me eventually because when i came back to the hotel in the afternoons i couldn't stay awake.. i was so tired i would crash out until we went for food..i still had the racing heart and a few panicy wake ups but it was better than no sleep!
i managed to go up the eiffel tower! not to the top though... the glass lift would have finished me off and i would have had a panic attack on the glass floor.....but i managed to get to the second floor and get a good few photos. i must have been funny to watch... going from walking around the walls on the inside to clinging onto the fence on the edge to get photos..but this was a very proud moment for me managing to somewhat battle my fear of hights a little :)
people aren't all that bad i came to realise not everyone is out to ignore me or talk behind my back and most of all were supportive when i told them i was suffering with GAD... this surprised me the most as i had expected to just be following someone around for the sake of not being on my own.. instead because i explained, i had 4 people who actually wanted to be around me (at last for the paris trip) i personally still think it was luck i was around people so nice as i know all to well a lot of people just act as if I'm weird or easier to not talk to.
walking really does help i found myself mostly anxiety free when i was walking around and i found it a lot easier to talk to people too..being out in the fresh air and getting a lot of walking done really helped and it was a nice feeling :)
this was a good learning curve for me, i know now what would happen if I'm not around close friends (i act like I've overdosed on coffee or i avoid everyone) and i know that i can tackle the problem head on because i took the jump...(i did panic about silly things like the euro tunnel collapsing and being swept away by seawater.....or being blown off the eiffel tower!) i saw masses of fabulous art too! but i do know this isn't the miracle cure.. i found out my anxiety still got to the point of anxiety attacks even to the last day so i'll be looking into therapy a bit more seriously (i still need to ring up i just don't quite know what to say!) but thanks for reading this far and i hope it helps some of you that are like me and avoid a lot because of anxiety and panic attacks :bighug1:
I'm really sorry my post is very long!
i was already panicking even before i went, i had no close friends on the trip, luckily a few i knew from my course an i did stick with them for the week. i knew for sure i wouldn't be able to come on the chat here to calm myself down, i very nearly convinced myself not to go the night before.... but i did it! i made it to the bus and started my trip, i was already pretty proud... i'll just let you know about the two things i had major difficulty with n the trip:
- sleep i couldn't relax at all.. even if id been walking all day and just considered a nap my heart was racing and i always had a sense of dread it would take me until stupid o clock in the morning to just be exhausted of the anxiety and get some sleep... on top of that i was trying to stop myself from having a panic attack and running out of my hotel room(i was so not used to this as i ad been living with my boyfriend)... i also found having a couple of glasses of wine was the only thing that got me to sleep for longer than a couple of hours even if it did mean i was on edge in the daytime,
although i made the right choice telling my roommates that i suffered with GAD and thay were really supportive.. but i did my best to hide it because i hate being a burden on anyone, and i would probably hate it if thay started treating me differently because of it.... you know like i would rather sit up and panic instead of telling my new holiday friends that i couldn't sleep.
- sitting down, eating in restaurants or generally stopping anywhere my foot would shake and id be fidgeting all the time and my heart would be hitting the walls of my skull, i had major fear of everything when we stopped anywhere particularly when we were in restaurants or standing around....my anxiety would creep up on me out of no-where and i struggled to hold conversation or even eat my meal i felt so useless as the worry did'nt even need to be there it was secondary like breathing in certain situations a lot of the time. i just stiffened up and had a generally panicy feel to everything around me. another thing that really annoyed me was the depersonalisation i got when i had conversations with people or when we were getting told about what we were doing on the day i would totally zone out and forget what people would say and i would feel like i was detached from everyone it just looked weird and the usual 'I'm going to go crazy' came back too...horrible horrible feeling
But heres the good bit! even though on the 3rd day i was definitely realising why id taken the steps to see doctors, counsellors and ring for CBT,
i deffinatly surprised myself in the bits i had without worry... one of the main reasons i got better was thanks to someone i managed to make a good friendship with also suffered with anxiety and 3 others who were really nice to me...finaly i had a nice distraction and by th 3rd day i was getting a lot less edgy about being around people..i felt better that thay made a few jokes giggling about the many things that scare me or that i worry about. my sleep problems were there until the end of the week and my only escape was the few drinks i had before bed when we went out (lucky i was on a student study trip!) but the anxiety must have affected me eventually because when i came back to the hotel in the afternoons i couldn't stay awake.. i was so tired i would crash out until we went for food..i still had the racing heart and a few panicy wake ups but it was better than no sleep!
i managed to go up the eiffel tower! not to the top though... the glass lift would have finished me off and i would have had a panic attack on the glass floor.....but i managed to get to the second floor and get a good few photos. i must have been funny to watch... going from walking around the walls on the inside to clinging onto the fence on the edge to get photos..but this was a very proud moment for me managing to somewhat battle my fear of hights a little :)
people aren't all that bad i came to realise not everyone is out to ignore me or talk behind my back and most of all were supportive when i told them i was suffering with GAD... this surprised me the most as i had expected to just be following someone around for the sake of not being on my own.. instead because i explained, i had 4 people who actually wanted to be around me (at last for the paris trip) i personally still think it was luck i was around people so nice as i know all to well a lot of people just act as if I'm weird or easier to not talk to.
walking really does help i found myself mostly anxiety free when i was walking around and i found it a lot easier to talk to people too..being out in the fresh air and getting a lot of walking done really helped and it was a nice feeling :)
this was a good learning curve for me, i know now what would happen if I'm not around close friends (i act like I've overdosed on coffee or i avoid everyone) and i know that i can tackle the problem head on because i took the jump...(i did panic about silly things like the euro tunnel collapsing and being swept away by seawater.....or being blown off the eiffel tower!) i saw masses of fabulous art too! but i do know this isn't the miracle cure.. i found out my anxiety still got to the point of anxiety attacks even to the last day so i'll be looking into therapy a bit more seriously (i still need to ring up i just don't quite know what to say!) but thanks for reading this far and i hope it helps some of you that are like me and avoid a lot because of anxiety and panic attacks :bighug1: