existential crisis?

[ellie_C_mason1990]

hello everyone i am desperate for someone to talk to who knows what I may be going through..
It may be as I am trying to come off my citalopram, which was initially successful and I managed to get to one tablet of 10mg a week , but for the last few weeks I feel like I have completely relapsed.
I am suddenly so anxious again, mainly about death and illness- mainly my own and family- my Dad recently turned 60 and I think this may have something to do with it as I feel I have less and less time with him, I keep getting into a panic in the middle of nowhere, crying etc :(
it hasn't helped that I recently lost my faith so the concept of death has a WHOLE new meaning to me now. i am questioning the point of life, especially my own. i just wish I had never been born, this feeling is horrible
I have had CBT for health anxiety and practice mindfulness meditation so I will be doing a lot of work with these techniques to try and make myself feel better but I just wanted to post and hope I get some replies from people who feel the same and perhaps can share some tips/guidance?

[simonr93]

Hey,
I can totally 100% sympathize. Even down to the lost faith thing.

Recently I've been getting like that lately too, I have health anxiety and at random times on random days I'll think I have cancer. Or having a heart attack or something else morbid. I've had all the checks and everything is okay, but I still get them.

I was actually doing well over last year, but all this year it's been getting worse, I feel like the world is falling in on me. Anyway, some useful tips I learned that helped me a few months ago (which I'm doing now)

1. Talk about it, get it out. I think it's important for you to know what it is and what it's doing to you and those close to you!

2. When an attack comes, distraction distraction distraction! Do something that makes you feel good. I.e, listen to music, write, watch a show on tv, dance or exorcise... literally anything you can do that will make you feel good.

3. Avoid triggers (for now), once you've got back on the horse you need to slowly reintroduce these things.

4. Try to smile :)

I know it's hard, living with it myself. Especially when you've lost your faith. I was a christian but recently lost it after realizing that it was kind of implausible and it didn't make much sense to believe in something anymore.

I hope this helped. I've never been a good one for advice but I feel for you! <3

[xvolatileheart]

I can also 100% sympathise with all of that. It felt a lot easier when I believed in God.

Simon gave really good advice! I'm not so good with advice but it always helps to know you're not alone. :hugs:

[ellie_C_mason1990]

Thank youso much for the replies, its so comforting to know you're not alone :)
Everything did seem a lot easier and I guess I suddenly feel very lonely as before during bouts of anxiety and depression I would pray to god and ofc when getting anxious about death I would be comforted by the thought of heaven.
I suppose I just have to work through it, using your fab advice (thanks!) And try and work out a new meaning to life.. This just feels like a nightmare right now :( I think I'd rather still be a christian- I'd rather believe in something not true and fool myself then have nothing lto believe in!

[ruthless]

I comletely emphasise with you too. I have been there with the fear of death and understand completely.
This fear will pass. Give it time and it will become less important to you, and try to continue each day as normal. Go back to your GP- it may be the wrong time to discontinue meds right now. Continue with the CBT and meditation, even if you think it may not be helping that much right now.
I had terrible existential fears when I was young which still does rear it's ugly head occasionally, but they always go away. You are a sensitive, intelligent person who thinks about the meaning of life maybe a bit more than the average person, and although it feels awful for you right now, this is just a temporary blip

[starlight78]

I had a terrible obsession almost with death and also the meaning of life with I was about 25. For me this was part of a depressive episode and when the depression lifted I went back to enjoying life again and not fearing death.

My advice would be to see this as symptoms and not some new way of seeing the world. Start back on meds and fill your life with beautiful, meaningful adventures and lovely people.

Ooh and if you get the chance read Bill Bryson, notes from a small island, specifically chapter 11 (I think?) It starts with reasons never to be unhappy.. Very funny!
I also found Susan Jeffers 'tolerating uncertainty' so helpful! X

[ellie_C_mason1990]

thank you so much guys, you have given me such great advice which has given me such strength!
I started taking 10mg daily again and feel a little better so i am hoping it is just symptoms of depression/anxiety.

Thanks for the book recommendations Starlight, I really wanted to find a book to help but didn't know where to start!
Love to you all

[starlight78]

Hi Elle, this is totally symptoms that will pass with the right approach and treatment. I promise I know that devastating feeling that you described and thought it was the way I would feel forever, but that was 10 years ago and I can honestly say I have never felt like that since. I still suffer with anxiety, but the thought of death doesn't scare me any more.

This will pass, keep telling yourself that, and you will feel happy and peaceful again when you are well. X