lmd
25-02-13, 20:39
I've been suffering with severe bouts of health anxiety for about 15 years now. Two episodes have landed me in a psych ward for four days each time. I've been to this forum many, many times.
I've been absolutely convinced that I have cancer of the liver, pancreas, brain, throat, oral cavity / tongue, spine and lungs as well as lymphoma, MS, ALS and a terminal heart condition. I've had very real and even observable symptoms including uneven pupils (observed by multiple doctors), heart palpitations, bloody stool, flat / thin stool, as well as the tons of aches and pains that are - at the very least - real to me; including a sore throat that I've had for a year.
I've been to internists, gastrointerologists, otolaryngologists, opthalmologists, neurologists, neuro-opthalmologists and general surgeons and I've had MRI and CT scans of my head, neck, chest, abdomen and entire spine as wellas nerve conduction studies and EKGs. I've had needle biopsies and even had a lymph node removed from my neck for biopsy - that's not to mention the blood tests and all the stuff I'm sure I've forgotten.
It should also be noted that every one of these dreadful episodes - which have lasted from weeks to months - have involved a TON of Googling and Internet research - as a matter of fact, I didn't get major health anxiety until the advent of the search engine.
...and I have yet to be diagnosed with anything life threatening - other than anxiety and depression.
I'm now typing this after returning from my first colonoscopy because I was convinced I had colon cancer - so you can add that cancer and that test to the list above. I had what seemed like excessive gas for a couple weeks, then one day I had blood with two BMs - which immediately sent me to the ER. One digital rectal exam, blood test (that showed nothing) and a thousand bucks later, I was off to the gastro doc - the earliest appointment I could get, of course.
The gastro doc did a rigid sigmoid scope and recommended a colonoscopy because it "could be caused by a mass." Needless to say, that sent me into a tailspin (no pun intended) and so began the research. The gas actually stopped - and so did the blood, but I began monitoring the shape of my stool - which was coming out flat. I was counting bowel movements and even the number of times I passed gas in a day, I was connecting the huge tumor I knew I had growing in my left colon to back pain I've had for years - which of course was MRIed to death years ago. I refused to make plans for the next day - musch less the next month or year - which is sad when you have a beautiful 3.5 year old boy and another due in June.
...and of course, the colonoscopy showed nothing - not even a polyp.
So why am I writing this now?
Well, my Grandmother, who I loved a lot and was very close to; passed away a couple of weeks ago and it effected me more than anyone's passing has; though, perhaps ironically, I've been lucky not to have experienced a lot of death in my 39 years.
At any rate, being the over-thinker that I am, I've thought a lot about life and death, how much she meant to me and why - and I came to the conclusion that it is what she GAVE that made her so special and memorable. One of the things that she gave freely of was the time to listen to my rants when I woud go through these hypochondriacal episodes. She didn't try to convince me that it was all in my head or 'talk sense into me.' She also didn't talk as much about her conditions - which would end her life before mine - nearly as much as I talked about my own. She just listened - and she never judged me - and that really helped.
So, in my own way, I want to give something to all of you who are suffering with this horrible health anxiety - and that is to say that I've been at least as scared as you are right now that I had ALL of those things I mentioned above. I've obsessively searched the Internet just like you are, I've refused to believe te doctors who said I was OK just like you do, I've had all of the tests just like you do and I've taken thousands of hours and many thousands of dollars from my family because of it - and guess what?
NONE OF THE THINGS I WAS TERRIFIED OF HAVE HAPPENED.
Hopefully that makes you feel better, because chances are, whatever you think you have and whatever symptom you're having, I thought it too - and I WAS WRONG.
Will I go through another episode of health anxiety? Sadly, I probably will. But if reading this helps any one of you, maybe I can turn all of that self-centered misery into something positive and GIVE a little of what I've taken back
I've been absolutely convinced that I have cancer of the liver, pancreas, brain, throat, oral cavity / tongue, spine and lungs as well as lymphoma, MS, ALS and a terminal heart condition. I've had very real and even observable symptoms including uneven pupils (observed by multiple doctors), heart palpitations, bloody stool, flat / thin stool, as well as the tons of aches and pains that are - at the very least - real to me; including a sore throat that I've had for a year.
I've been to internists, gastrointerologists, otolaryngologists, opthalmologists, neurologists, neuro-opthalmologists and general surgeons and I've had MRI and CT scans of my head, neck, chest, abdomen and entire spine as wellas nerve conduction studies and EKGs. I've had needle biopsies and even had a lymph node removed from my neck for biopsy - that's not to mention the blood tests and all the stuff I'm sure I've forgotten.
It should also be noted that every one of these dreadful episodes - which have lasted from weeks to months - have involved a TON of Googling and Internet research - as a matter of fact, I didn't get major health anxiety until the advent of the search engine.
...and I have yet to be diagnosed with anything life threatening - other than anxiety and depression.
I'm now typing this after returning from my first colonoscopy because I was convinced I had colon cancer - so you can add that cancer and that test to the list above. I had what seemed like excessive gas for a couple weeks, then one day I had blood with two BMs - which immediately sent me to the ER. One digital rectal exam, blood test (that showed nothing) and a thousand bucks later, I was off to the gastro doc - the earliest appointment I could get, of course.
The gastro doc did a rigid sigmoid scope and recommended a colonoscopy because it "could be caused by a mass." Needless to say, that sent me into a tailspin (no pun intended) and so began the research. The gas actually stopped - and so did the blood, but I began monitoring the shape of my stool - which was coming out flat. I was counting bowel movements and even the number of times I passed gas in a day, I was connecting the huge tumor I knew I had growing in my left colon to back pain I've had for years - which of course was MRIed to death years ago. I refused to make plans for the next day - musch less the next month or year - which is sad when you have a beautiful 3.5 year old boy and another due in June.
...and of course, the colonoscopy showed nothing - not even a polyp.
So why am I writing this now?
Well, my Grandmother, who I loved a lot and was very close to; passed away a couple of weeks ago and it effected me more than anyone's passing has; though, perhaps ironically, I've been lucky not to have experienced a lot of death in my 39 years.
At any rate, being the over-thinker that I am, I've thought a lot about life and death, how much she meant to me and why - and I came to the conclusion that it is what she GAVE that made her so special and memorable. One of the things that she gave freely of was the time to listen to my rants when I woud go through these hypochondriacal episodes. She didn't try to convince me that it was all in my head or 'talk sense into me.' She also didn't talk as much about her conditions - which would end her life before mine - nearly as much as I talked about my own. She just listened - and she never judged me - and that really helped.
So, in my own way, I want to give something to all of you who are suffering with this horrible health anxiety - and that is to say that I've been at least as scared as you are right now that I had ALL of those things I mentioned above. I've obsessively searched the Internet just like you are, I've refused to believe te doctors who said I was OK just like you do, I've had all of the tests just like you do and I've taken thousands of hours and many thousands of dollars from my family because of it - and guess what?
NONE OF THE THINGS I WAS TERRIFIED OF HAVE HAPPENED.
Hopefully that makes you feel better, because chances are, whatever you think you have and whatever symptom you're having, I thought it too - and I WAS WRONG.
Will I go through another episode of health anxiety? Sadly, I probably will. But if reading this helps any one of you, maybe I can turn all of that self-centered misery into something positive and GIVE a little of what I've taken back