View Full Version : Struggling with my mother - what's wrong with me?
Sunshine77
27-02-13, 11:07
Not sure where to start with this one but it's troubling me so I need to get it out.
I don't have a brilliant relationship with my mum. She's terribly needy and codependent and very manipulative and i've had to do a lot of work around putting boundaries in over recent years. I'm an only child and she has no other family (my aunt, her sister, who she was v close to, died of alcoholism 2 years ago which mum's never got over). She's divorced, has no friends and no social life and is very resentful that I do, and particularly that I am close with my mother in law. She expects to see me at least weekly for 3-4 hours and that when I am there I will do DIY jobs for her, help her with money, etc etc. She's 67 by the way.
8 years ago she told me that she had been given 3 years to live and I was distraught but she was vague about what the illness was and eventually I had to conclude that she was not being honest.
A few years back she was told she has COPD, she's a heavy smoker, but she didn't make any life changes.
Then on Tuesday last week she was told she has emphysema. She is ringing me regularly and seems to have written herself off already - full of gloomy prophesies about her future and how I will have to look after her.
Now to get to the point - I cannot feel anything for her. Maybe it's because of all we've been through, maybe it's because she's cried wolf before, maybe it's because I'm worn out with looking after my dad (another long story), maybe because I've become self absorbed following my breakdown? I don't know. It's like I can't find the words to comfort her - then again she doesn't seem to want to be comforted. this is not at all like me, I'm always there for everyone but I just can't feel anything.
Am I an awful person? I love her but I don't particularly like her - she can be terribly nasty and unpleasant and always makes it clear that I am not living up to her expectations i.e. spending all my free time with her and looking after her.
I am sorry for the length of this post and I would be so very grateful for any advice or empathy anyone can give me. She is coming over this afternoon and I just don't feel like I have the strength to cope with her.
:weep:
There is nothing wrong with you. You are not at all awful :hugs: You can't force feelings where there are none or where they have been eroded and there is no need to.
Your Mum appears to be very demanding and inconsiderate to your feelings or needs. She does not seem to nurture your relationship or worth. She is very fortunate to have any relationship with you at all.
You have done very well to implement boundaries in recent years. This is very important to protect yourself.
Keep the boundaries clearly in place and try not to internalise any criticism or take on board unreasonable demands.
I hope that your Mum's visit this afternoon is as painless and passes as quickly as possible.
Be kind to yourself :hugs:
I agree with Serenitie. You are also going through an emotional time yourself and you need 'me' time. You really have to put yourself first at the moment in order to get yourself well :hugs::hugs:
Wow. You have almost described the relationship I have with my mother exactly! She's also very very needy and expects me to be on the other end of the phone whenever she needs me and for me to visit very regularly - even though I'm in Bristol and she's in Aberdeen!! I find it incredibly hard to be around her and my anxiety is always sky high when I'm at home.
You're not a terrible person and your emotions will probably be numbed because of all you've been through. You must put yourself first like Annie said. This is the time where she should support you xxx
Sunshine77
27-02-13, 16:51
Thank you all.
She has been and gone and it was difficult for the first hour or so - she tried to lead me down the "bad daughter" path a few times by saying that I wasn't interested in her health problems and complaining that I didn't go and see her at the weekend, but I just didn't rise to it. Sometimes I am better able to cope with her than others.
She never, ever asks how I am, how my husband is, expresses any interest in anything we're doing, so at least I don't have to worry about her interfering in my recovery :huh:
I just find it strange in myself that when my dad has been in hospital after his suicide attempts, I feel for him so much that my heart almost bursts, and yet when mum is ill it's as though my compassionate part just switches off. And yet when I was a child I wasn't at all close to my dad (I had a very odd childhood but that's another story!)
Thank you all for telling me I'm not a bad person.
Off to the in-laws now for tea. I am blessed in them with the parents I would have liked to have had. They are already looking for a car for me to replace the company one that I lost through quitting work yesterday. They will smooth my ruffled feathers :)
:hugs: to all x
Pleased you got through the afternoon. That is lovely that you have such a good relationship with your in laws, have a lovely time with them, you deserve it xx
I'm glad that your visit is over and you have an enjoyable evening to look forward to :)
My mother is similar to your mother I feel. My mother also has no other family and what family she does have (myself, my brother and father) are very very dear to her and her life is mostly filled with...well mothering! Your mum needs you because she loves you.
People can go as far as to become completely dependent on that person they love so much and even manipulate them to try and bring them closer. Your mother only wants to be close to you! I've found I've allowed my mum to do that in a healthier way than her going behind my back snooping around by just giving her little updates about even the most mundane things in my life. She gets SO ANGRY when she asks my brother how his day was and for most his 18 years the answer has always been "fine". But she's interested in everything I tell her because she's my mum and loves me and so wants to be as involved in my life as much as possible. When I went to Uni she became quite upset she couldn't be close to me as before, but I still found time to call her and settle her mind.
My mum doesn't have any friends or much of a life either - her life revolves around her family. But lately she joined a spa/gym and has been going to group session and socials, trying to learn a new language and organizing a holiday with my dad, which have got her talking to people again and giving her something to do rather than worrying if her family are okay all the time! This is also been great for her alcohol problem as much of it was triggered by family concerns. She's realized she's going to serious substitute her health further is she doesn't change. You need to make your mum realize the same thing. You are clearly worried about her.
Your mum probably resents the fact you have a good social life because she feels this is lacking in her life (even if she seems oblivious to it). Help her by suggesting she takes up a new hobby or joins a club, anything to integrate her into her community - anywhere that involves some social contact and learning new skills or enjoying oneself is good!
Don't let your mum try to control your life - you are not a teenager anymore! She needs to accept this if you are going to have a healthy relationship. The only way to do that is to show you are busy with your life - you have a life of your own now, you are your own person. She should be proud of this fact and she will probably respect you a lot more if you show her everything you have achieved so far. Be who you are not her little girl under her thumb and make her aware of it in the nicest way. She will soon learn she has to accept this to be involved in your life in a positive way which I'm sure is all she wants.
Love can sometimes blind the right path from us.
The fact your mother has gone to such lengths to try to manipulate you is a cry for help. Not the right cry, but that she is finding life difficult.
If she smokes heavily and won't make healthy choices - get her some help or find helpful resources (there are TONS on quitting smoking) - try to get her to do the leg work where possible. But most importantly remind her how important she is to you - despite everything - you would still be so upset to see her suffer from illness that could be prevented with her cooperation and that if she did pass it would be a huge loss.
Whatever you do DO NOT reaffirm her negative behavior. Otherwise she will never learn to respect you. It's not good enough for her to 'write herself off'. Let her know how awful it makes you feel for you to know your mother is giving up on life! Try to get her to see it from her point of view, imagine if it was you giving up on life...How would that make her feel?
I know it's difficult with the way she has treated you but try to understand from her point of view - you are her only daughter and I wouldn't be surprised if you are one of the last things left in her life that actually brings her any joy.
Perhaps you are not allowing yourself to feel anything about this situation because you have been so hurt by her in the past and been through so much, but you must discover and accept how you feel so you know the best way to deal with this. Remember she is your mother and you are her daughter. That is a union written in blood and I hate to say this but there are so many who don't have parents or any family. I really think family is important. It makes up a part of you.
You are not an awful person. Your reaction is completely natural as a way to cope with this terrible situation. I understand it must be highly difficult for you but really reflect on yourself and what is important in your life and you'll find the strength to do the right thing I'm sure :)
Let her know you need time to yourself - as does she! Explain to her what that means - time to unwind, to de-stress, otherwise your life and well-being will be substitued as I'm sure it currently is. Spending time with you is not time to herself because she is probably just distracting herself from her own problems by focusing on you and this probably leads to her being passive-aggressive in a way by taking out the problems she has with herself out on you.
It's important for your well-being and your mother's well-being that you both find something you enjoy that isn't each other's company so she realizes how much life still has to offer her. It seems she doesn't think there is much in her life anymore. Try to change this view. Make her see the bigger picture. Think of all the times growing up where she loved and cared for you as she still does.
Let her know how much this is affecting you so she understands. If she refuses to understand you will have to be hard on her - tough love. Let her know you want to be treated like an adult and that you still love and care about her as your mother but she needs to accept you for who you are now, not who she wishes you still were or is disappointed you are not...
I hope this helps & all the best! xx
---------- Post added at 19:10 ---------- Previous post was at 19:09 ----------
OH MY. That was a long reply... clearly my dissertation procrastination has no bounds! :P
---------- Post added at 19:13 ---------- Previous post was at 19:10 ----------
I also agree with everything everyone has said about putting yourself first and being kind to yourself! That is most important. I think giving her less attention and yourself more attention will hopefully be good for both of you :)
Sunshine I relate strongly to your post. Take it from me YOU ARE NOT AN AWFUL PERSON. One of the difficulties I am having at the moment relates to similar stuff about my mother. I really feel for you because as regards not feeling anything..... Yeah I know how that feels and it's not pleasant. Feelings get sucked out of you and just dulled generally by stuff like this.
The way I describe my parents is "like leaches sucking the life out of me". I feel guilty sometimes if I slate my parents but they'd been pretty darned unloving towards me so I find it very difficult being around them. I feel u r giving her far more than she deserves. Really you are a selfless person. Keep those boundaries tho won't you because if you don't she'll start dragging you down.
I am depressed now because I put my family before myself. I really wish I hadn't but everyone around me was encouraging me to "do the right thing" and look after my parents and brothers after one of our brothers died last year. He died of alcoholism too. None of it was pretty and I was forever getting caught in the crossfire when my brother was alive. Even after he died somehow i was still the target for my mother. i think all i did wrong was simply to exist. for some reason she didnt like me being around. i think sometimes its because i'd ask the right questions (that she'd never answer) and she didn't like it if. Was realistic. when one of my uncles died i never did find out what he died of since my mother was all over the place saying so many different things were wrong. i'd say "what did the doctor say". she'd just tell me to stop asking questions, so i gave up.
Just look out for yourself please...... If you don't she will drag you down.
I don't know if I am helping here but u r already doing more than enough. Ultimately if your mother wants any sort of life it's up to her to get off her butt and do it for herself. As regards feigning illness, that truly sucks. My mother at one point decided she had MRSA. What got to me about it was she seemed really triumphant to have something wrong with her. But there wasnt anything. Because she was obsessed about always wanting to be ill, she passed a fair bit of health anxiety my way. She'd tell me scary health stories & I'd not understand what she was on about. I wasn't that old then,
She drained my goodwill over the years crying wolf. She does not have health anxiety but was always after attention.
So u look after yourself you hear? Don't ever feel guilty about her. If you do.... You message me or put another post up here coz you matter a lot in all this and u do need to look after yourself.
---------- Post added at 21:16 ---------- Previous post was at 21:13 ----------
Jo_anna your reply was really good. Very interesting to read.
---------- Post added at 21:21 ---------- Previous post was at 21:16 ----------
Sunshine, I also meant to say how,lovely to hear u say of your in-laws that "I am blessed in them with the parents I would have liked to have had". That really is wonderful. it warms my heart to hear you say that. I relate to your compassionate part switching off where your mother is concerned. Hmmm...... " odd childhood ". i sympathise!
Ohh nooo, poor you Hun, as if you've not got enough on your plate. My mums different in ways but bottom line is - manipulation, controlling,expects, she's isolated herself blah Leah and Major , major took the mic with me. Just glance over my stats and - posts and threads and you'll see the enormity of my issue with my mum and what she's done!
I'm having a dip at the minute with her and tbh - I'm completely fed up ,don't care about it going seriously pear shaped! There's a meal Saturday , all of a sudden got txt off her partner asking if it was ok BUT same time even if its not im going to book it!!! My car is falling to bits we are broke , she knows my car scares me to death and I only do school run 1 mile away. But insistant on this meal since Xmas but, I did an Xmas eve tea, for her and partner, that she's not too bothers about almost having an affair with his boss they met up ???? Honestly then last week she's been so depressed not eating to even put rubbish in bin , she wouldn't go anywhere! Now a meal out of town WTF! Anyway blah blah. She's a nightmare, just to put on face book , the united front blah f****** blah!
Ohhhh and the guilt trip she gives me and tone of voice - unbelievable. I nearly got hit by my cousin infront of my kids because i stuck up and was there for my mum last year & it was nothing to do with me. And she makes out through tone of voice etc - that I never participate and blah frigging blah! My brother hasn't spoke to mum in nearly 8 years completely cut off! She's done a lot more damage to me than him and even my brother agrees with this BUT for some reason STILL expects expects expects from ME????????
Sorry for rant pm me any time we are really quite similar. XXXX
OMG col, you sound like me too...... its so awful. i dont know about everyone else here but all i ever wanted was for my mother to love me & be nice & cuddle me. she did that when i was little but then in a big, loud family of boys it all went wrong. i got kinda swallowed up as the only girl.
Like you say "she makes out through tone of voice etc". My mother is like that. the cuts right through me even when i havent done anything. its got worse the older she got.
also what you say about "My brother hasn't spoke to mum in nearly 8 years completely cut off! She's done a lot more damage to me than him and even my brother agrees with this BUT for some reason STILL expects expects expects from ME????????"
My brother died (he abused me emotionally and did some other things as well to me) but i'm expected to say nice things about him. I now refuse to do it & I am standing up for myself against my partents. its horrible as i just want us all to be happy.
I REALLY DO FEEL FOR EVERYONE HERE. IT SUCKS ALL THIS.
It wasnt a rant col; just the truth. Bloody hard truth to stomach i should imagine.
These are for everyone who wishes they had a better relationship with their parents but for one reason or another it just doesnt seem to be......
:hugs::hugs::hugs::grouphug::grouphug::bighug::big hug::bighug:
:bighug::bighug::bighug::grouphug::grouphug::hugs: :hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::grouphug::grouphug::bighug::big hug::bighug:
:bighug::bighug::bighug::grouphug::grouphug::hugs: :hugs::hugs:
Ahhh Tess, I know it's awful awful. I can't believe what you've endured and it's weird when you said how your mum used to be ok when you were young, cuddles etc my mum was OK when I was small, I'd say up to me being 10 and the countless affairs my dad had - screwd her up and the more I grew up, it was like she was jealous of me having the life she wanted and my friend at university pointed this out! I was thinking " what ...jealous" that's a funny term to use. But now I'm 31 and look back & think that sums my mums behaviour up. The final nail in the coffin was when I had my first child at 20 MY mum reacted worse than my dad , which was surprising as they were young parents 18&19years when they had me??
All the way through, I'm scared - "oh shut up shed say" , breastfeeding - "ohh you don't want to be doing that" THEN the corker......... She insisted and went telling all my aunts WE had called her Mia!!!!! I suggested this name B4 but me and hubby ( then boyf) were having a think and basically she bullied me into the name Mia & I'd just had a baby worried and weak at the time and she turned and said " you better come back as her name being Mia when you return"! Yep! Then B4 the birth, my hubby and I at the time bought our own house in 2001 only small and crap area but we'd both got jobs , so we're waiting till baby was Born 2002, B4 we moved out and he had family issues with his parents because he was brought up Muslim and I'm from a catholic background SO was difficult but we were really proactive in sorting it out. My mum would call him everything under the sun. My baby was born in feb and the mothers day I remember her screaming at me - "where is he , where are your mothers day things"? And many more things happend and got soo badive been robbed of my wedding day because we had to get married in secret because of all this. Now I see why my friend said - jealous. When I finally moved on my daughter was 3 and within that year my dad left , so just mum& my little bro at home - she took an overdose (no ones convinced was sincere) NOW that's how she always defends her behaviour -"I was unwell"? Like I said my bro is now 22. & will NOT have anything to do with her?????
And I am still married 8 years in may:smile:
Ohhhh tessar, I feel for you sooo much you've had a very difficult time too, I really empathise XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Sunshine77
01-03-13, 10:07
Oh wow, the posts I've read on this thread just show me that manipulative and slightly bonkers mothers are a common theme!!!
Just the same as you Col & Tess, my mum was very loving whilst I was too little to have a real personality and then when I hit my teens and started to have a life of my own she started to resent that and this has been the same ever since (I'm 35 now).
I'm an only child and there was a lot of violence in our house when I was a kid -we lived in a quite big house and my dad lived upstairs in 2 rooms and my mum and I in the rest of the house. I wasn't allowed to refer to my dad as "Dad" or "Daddy" in front of her I had to call him "Him". It took me a long time to realise how messed up that is!! They eventually divorced when I went to uni and then the real problems started, she spent the settlement money really fast and racked up a whole lot of debt which I am ashamed to say I ended up helping her with financially (I had NO boundaries back then!). Then I went through alcoholism, drank a lot with my aunt, my mum used to tell us both to drink ourselves to death, which she eventually did but I got sober in 2005 and have been so ever since. Thing is, the wasted years of my 20s kind of put me "behind" in the life-stakes. I bought my first house at 28, developed a career, met my husband at 31 and got married only last year. She is very clear to me that this is a massive disappointment to her as I don't have kids and in her view the career stuff is not an achievement. She has also never forgiven me for leaving my ex-partner who she adored because he used to come & do all her DIY for her!!!!
Really the relationship has got more distant since I've been in recovery because I have not allowed her to manipulate me so much. She still says some horrible things though - my personal favourite being "if i'd known how you were going to turn out I would've had an abortion". She's a very very unhappy and bitter lady but she has the mindset of a victim. I've encouraged her over the years to join things locally - church, WI, gardening club etc - and make some friends but she always has a reason why she can't and in fact she doesn't want to spend time with anyone other than me!! She often tells me that I neglect her and that she used to see her mother every day, which is true but my Grandma lived half a mile from her, mum didn't work, and they enjoyed each others company which is not the case with her & me - I know that she doesn't actually like me any more than I like her. Actually she doesn't even know me - she never ever asks "How are you?" or asks after my work/friends/hubby's family etc. At the wedding she only spoke to 3 people all day - me, hubby and the one friend she has who came as her guest!!!!!!!!!
Before I got married she kept trying to encourage me not to marry him and I am sure without a doubt that she would like me to be forever single, living with her and acting as her "companion".
Gaaah - I am getting very ranty now, I'm sorry.
Col and Tessar you have been through so much with your families too, sorry about offloading all this stuff!!!!!! :hugs:
Jo_anna thank you for all your advice. I have tried so many of the things you have suggested but to no avail. But you are right, I do need to tell her why I want her to change her lifestyle re the emphysema - and tell her that I love her. I just feel very hypocritical doing that because as I said - I don't think she is a very nice lady but yes we are blood and I do need to express some love to her.
Feel a bit better now :)
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