chicaplatense
27-02-13, 22:04
:unsure:Hello there,
I am a 36 year old mother of 4 boys ages 14,12,9 and 7.
I had my first recognizable Panic attack when I was 25 years old.
At the time I thought I either had a heart condition or some sort of epilepsy.
I went to see my General doctor and he told me that what I had was a Panic Attack and gave me some Xanax. I did buy the Xanax but never took the pill as my mind was at ease that I had no heart problems, so no more panic.
I had a Panic attack later after the birth of my 4th child at the age of 28 but it was an isolated episode.
Then I had another again after my breast augmentation operation at the age of 30 but again it was an isolated episode.
To make the story short, my Panic Disorder really developed as I got older and went into my 30's and begun to worry about my health. I was ill with vertigo for about 1 year due to a neck injury and this unchained a really bad cycle of Panic attacks. I had MRI's, heart tests etc and nothing wrong. All this happened around Christmas time, so now it seems that between November and February I struggle the most with Panic. 2 Christmas later I had another really bad episode where I begun to fear that I was going crazy and I might harm myself or others (at that time I was completing a Bachelor in Psychology and spent a lot of time reading Abnormal Psychology books which dealt with scary study cases). This fear was terrifying and I just could not get over it. I was terrified of being left alone and going crazy and having no one there to stop me.
This is when I ended up voluntarily going into the mental hospital and asking them to keep me there because I was so afraid of what I would do. I had also developed clinical depression due to the non stop panic attacks which made matters worse. I told them I was afraid of committing suicide or going crazy and hurting my children, which this was one of my fears during a panic attack but it was not something I wanted to do. I love my children dearly and I want to live a long happy life.... They put me on celexa and klonopin and discharged me within 10 days, even though I was afraid to leave. Going back home was hard but over time as the meds begun to work and I became busy with other things and got my mind off of it, I got better.
A year later I quit the Antidepressant because I felt ok and I had gained about 15 lbs and I was not happy about this. I gradually lost the weight. My life was very stressful with a lot of financial problems that caused a lot of conflict in my marriage. By then It had been 1 year since I quit the medication and 2 years since I left the Hospital. I was doing a job that I liked but put me in a difficult spot as I was working as a commercial model while I saved money to go back to school and do a Masters degree. Because my husband had been depressed for about 6 years and he treated me poorly we became distant. Those 6 years were very hard for me as he went through a stage that he would get aggressive, threatened to kill himself, screamed at me, broke doors, became physical with the children and even threatened to kill me, at which point I almost left, but there were no shelters that had room for me and 4 boys. He refused to do therapy and when he did go the docs told him he did not fit criteria for any disorders, (while I was diagnosed with Panic disorder and Depression). He eventually calmed down by exercising a lot, entered marathons and triathlons but still had episodes of anger every once in a while and I felt very distant from him.
The marital problems we had added to the nature of my job which resulted in me being approached by many handsome men was tempting to me and at one point I met a man with whom I ended up having an affair, after 16 years of being a faithful wife. This made me feel like a bad person and now my panic attacks have begun all over again.
My husband fully forgave me from what I did and stated that he feels he is partly guilty because many times he pushed me away and even suggested I should find another man who was better at taking care of me financially. He even encouraged me to go on a sorto date with a guy who supposedly had money and told me that I should leave him for this guy (which I was not interested in). I ended up having a short affair with the man mentioned in the previous paragraph. I felt an emotional connection to him and cared about him but felt too guilty to keep it secret and confessed all to my husband that same week, when I had the affair.
I am now self questioning a lot and wondering if in fact I am crazy for doing what I did. Panic has returned again and my fears always are "going insane", "hurting someone", "having horrible feelings of panic or depression that will last forever", "not being able to emotionally withstand the feelings of panic and the hopelessness they bring". I am joining this site in the hopes of finding some relief and support. I really want to be a good person and to enjoy the good things that I have in my life as well as making others happy. I am in need of some support from people with similar experiences who can understand the way I feel. While I am having an attack the feelings are unbearable and I feel like no one can help me or save me from this. I want to beat this panic and get on with my life.
I am in general a successful person: my children love me, I work hard, I set goals, I finished my Bachelor in Psychology and have now been admitted to a very competitive Master's program in Occupational Therapy which will begin in July. I want to be strong, happy and help others. I want to work and recover my marriage. I don't want to feel like I am falling apart and weak!!!
I am a 36 year old mother of 4 boys ages 14,12,9 and 7.
I had my first recognizable Panic attack when I was 25 years old.
At the time I thought I either had a heart condition or some sort of epilepsy.
I went to see my General doctor and he told me that what I had was a Panic Attack and gave me some Xanax. I did buy the Xanax but never took the pill as my mind was at ease that I had no heart problems, so no more panic.
I had a Panic attack later after the birth of my 4th child at the age of 28 but it was an isolated episode.
Then I had another again after my breast augmentation operation at the age of 30 but again it was an isolated episode.
To make the story short, my Panic Disorder really developed as I got older and went into my 30's and begun to worry about my health. I was ill with vertigo for about 1 year due to a neck injury and this unchained a really bad cycle of Panic attacks. I had MRI's, heart tests etc and nothing wrong. All this happened around Christmas time, so now it seems that between November and February I struggle the most with Panic. 2 Christmas later I had another really bad episode where I begun to fear that I was going crazy and I might harm myself or others (at that time I was completing a Bachelor in Psychology and spent a lot of time reading Abnormal Psychology books which dealt with scary study cases). This fear was terrifying and I just could not get over it. I was terrified of being left alone and going crazy and having no one there to stop me.
This is when I ended up voluntarily going into the mental hospital and asking them to keep me there because I was so afraid of what I would do. I had also developed clinical depression due to the non stop panic attacks which made matters worse. I told them I was afraid of committing suicide or going crazy and hurting my children, which this was one of my fears during a panic attack but it was not something I wanted to do. I love my children dearly and I want to live a long happy life.... They put me on celexa and klonopin and discharged me within 10 days, even though I was afraid to leave. Going back home was hard but over time as the meds begun to work and I became busy with other things and got my mind off of it, I got better.
A year later I quit the Antidepressant because I felt ok and I had gained about 15 lbs and I was not happy about this. I gradually lost the weight. My life was very stressful with a lot of financial problems that caused a lot of conflict in my marriage. By then It had been 1 year since I quit the medication and 2 years since I left the Hospital. I was doing a job that I liked but put me in a difficult spot as I was working as a commercial model while I saved money to go back to school and do a Masters degree. Because my husband had been depressed for about 6 years and he treated me poorly we became distant. Those 6 years were very hard for me as he went through a stage that he would get aggressive, threatened to kill himself, screamed at me, broke doors, became physical with the children and even threatened to kill me, at which point I almost left, but there were no shelters that had room for me and 4 boys. He refused to do therapy and when he did go the docs told him he did not fit criteria for any disorders, (while I was diagnosed with Panic disorder and Depression). He eventually calmed down by exercising a lot, entered marathons and triathlons but still had episodes of anger every once in a while and I felt very distant from him.
The marital problems we had added to the nature of my job which resulted in me being approached by many handsome men was tempting to me and at one point I met a man with whom I ended up having an affair, after 16 years of being a faithful wife. This made me feel like a bad person and now my panic attacks have begun all over again.
My husband fully forgave me from what I did and stated that he feels he is partly guilty because many times he pushed me away and even suggested I should find another man who was better at taking care of me financially. He even encouraged me to go on a sorto date with a guy who supposedly had money and told me that I should leave him for this guy (which I was not interested in). I ended up having a short affair with the man mentioned in the previous paragraph. I felt an emotional connection to him and cared about him but felt too guilty to keep it secret and confessed all to my husband that same week, when I had the affair.
I am now self questioning a lot and wondering if in fact I am crazy for doing what I did. Panic has returned again and my fears always are "going insane", "hurting someone", "having horrible feelings of panic or depression that will last forever", "not being able to emotionally withstand the feelings of panic and the hopelessness they bring". I am joining this site in the hopes of finding some relief and support. I really want to be a good person and to enjoy the good things that I have in my life as well as making others happy. I am in need of some support from people with similar experiences who can understand the way I feel. While I am having an attack the feelings are unbearable and I feel like no one can help me or save me from this. I want to beat this panic and get on with my life.
I am in general a successful person: my children love me, I work hard, I set goals, I finished my Bachelor in Psychology and have now been admitted to a very competitive Master's program in Occupational Therapy which will begin in July. I want to be strong, happy and help others. I want to work and recover my marriage. I don't want to feel like I am falling apart and weak!!!