Oatcake
28-02-13, 07:31
I grew up surrounded by anger and disappointment. My parents had shocking tempers, which I frequently suffered the consequence of. They did not understand how their mistreatment stopped me from being the Einstein-like prodigy they felt their first-born should be. It killed my confidence and self esteem, and the only thing they taught me was how not to treat a child. I was a shell of a human when I was finally diagnosed with GAD in my teens.*
Now I'm in my thirties, I've settled down with the most chilled out man in the world, who I've known since my university days. We have a house, a dog and our wedding in a few months. On the face of it, life seems pretty good.
But (and you knew this was coming, right?) I have not mentioned work. I teach small children. My Headteacher knew years ago I had a history of GAD. My current class have quite a reputation. On average, they have seen off two teachers a year on health grounds in the last few years. Three quarters of them have special needs. I love their little characters, but together they are an emotional drain because they're so needy, all the time. You want to just take them home and look after them sometimes, because you can see some of them winding up needing help with mental health issues later in life and you wouldn't wish it on anyone, let alone these innocent little people with their whole lives ahead of them.
So, why am I off work? I fell down, just like every other teacher they've had. Absolutely not the kids' fault, but the support I was getting was nonexistent. The statistics driven management team would not listen when I tried to report problems. Instead, all I got was demands to improve academic levels, and threats of disciplinary action if I didn't. My union rep intervened and said even he was banging his head against a brick wall. However, I knew from my childhood that I could not be angry with the kids, so I got frustrated, had a GAD meltdown, and here I am.
Time to think is a real help. When I first took sick leave, I was so angry with the Headteacher, but now I've thought about it, I reckon the only thing she's guilty of is blissful ignorance of mental health problems. I can name 3 people who have left my school on the basis of mental health problems in the last 5 years. My union rep warned her at the end of last academic year that my breakdown was inevitable if I wasn't properly supported with this particular class, but that's been conveniently forgotten by her.*
Now I can look back and feel horrified that I was allowed to get into that state by someone who had a responsibility to look after me, especially when I was pleading and crying for help on a weekly basis. The person I am at the moment would not get into that state. I'm looking forward to this new me going the occupational health appointment which the Head booked for me, because that's what I want to put to them - I'm not angry any more, just disappointed. I hope that I can convey that in a way which gets back to her via the occupational health recommendations. I love my job, and I miss my class, I just can't give them what they need by myself any more.*
If any of you lovely people have any suggestions about what I can/should/should not say at my occupational health meeting, I'd be grateful to hear your thoughts. I've got no experience of occupational health, and I want to get this right not just for me, but for anyone else who the Head employs with mental health problems in the future.
Now I'm in my thirties, I've settled down with the most chilled out man in the world, who I've known since my university days. We have a house, a dog and our wedding in a few months. On the face of it, life seems pretty good.
But (and you knew this was coming, right?) I have not mentioned work. I teach small children. My Headteacher knew years ago I had a history of GAD. My current class have quite a reputation. On average, they have seen off two teachers a year on health grounds in the last few years. Three quarters of them have special needs. I love their little characters, but together they are an emotional drain because they're so needy, all the time. You want to just take them home and look after them sometimes, because you can see some of them winding up needing help with mental health issues later in life and you wouldn't wish it on anyone, let alone these innocent little people with their whole lives ahead of them.
So, why am I off work? I fell down, just like every other teacher they've had. Absolutely not the kids' fault, but the support I was getting was nonexistent. The statistics driven management team would not listen when I tried to report problems. Instead, all I got was demands to improve academic levels, and threats of disciplinary action if I didn't. My union rep intervened and said even he was banging his head against a brick wall. However, I knew from my childhood that I could not be angry with the kids, so I got frustrated, had a GAD meltdown, and here I am.
Time to think is a real help. When I first took sick leave, I was so angry with the Headteacher, but now I've thought about it, I reckon the only thing she's guilty of is blissful ignorance of mental health problems. I can name 3 people who have left my school on the basis of mental health problems in the last 5 years. My union rep warned her at the end of last academic year that my breakdown was inevitable if I wasn't properly supported with this particular class, but that's been conveniently forgotten by her.*
Now I can look back and feel horrified that I was allowed to get into that state by someone who had a responsibility to look after me, especially when I was pleading and crying for help on a weekly basis. The person I am at the moment would not get into that state. I'm looking forward to this new me going the occupational health appointment which the Head booked for me, because that's what I want to put to them - I'm not angry any more, just disappointed. I hope that I can convey that in a way which gets back to her via the occupational health recommendations. I love my job, and I miss my class, I just can't give them what they need by myself any more.*
If any of you lovely people have any suggestions about what I can/should/should not say at my occupational health meeting, I'd be grateful to hear your thoughts. I've got no experience of occupational health, and I want to get this right not just for me, but for anyone else who the Head employs with mental health problems in the future.