shotokansho
02-03-13, 21:12
Here goes, really really sorry if its long.
I have the diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder, thoughts OCD, depression and anxiety. My depression and anxiety on the whole is at a level where I can just about cope with it. The thoughts and BPD are horrible and I wish I didn't have this diagnosis. I would rather have bi=polar or schitzophrenia because at least then I wouldn't have the same amount of pressure to be better and to behave in the proper way. What I mean by this is that with personality disorder people expect me to control it myself, my Psychiatrist says that there is nothing he can do to help me with this because it's my personality and therefore a part of me. I also suffer with horrific disturbing thoughts, usually of me doing something dangerous, to myself. Sometimes it's self harm, OD or jumping off bridges ect. I have carried the thoughts out on more than a few occasions and that's what scares me. I have also had numerous fights with the police, where my behaviour has been very erratic and aggressive.
Back in December I was sectioned after police pulled me off a bridge, that policeman saved my life, for which I am grateful but I can't remember what was going through my mind at the time or why I got up on that bridge in the first place. Four weeks ago I was on my way home from a night out and I began having intrusive thoughts of walking in front of a car, I phoned the crisis team and they sent the police to pick me up. I faught with them and I had to be restrained in handcuffs. They took me to hospital but after an assesment from the psych team I was allowed home. Then two weeks ago I took to many paracetamol and ended up on a drip for three days, again when I was medically fit the psych team let me go.
I am really struggling this weekend. I hate myself for the way I behave and for the stupid things that I do. When these things happen it upsets my family too and I'm sure they have had a guts full as well. I just keep thinking if I wasn't here then these things would stop happening...I wish I could just numb my mind and stop thinking...be like a zombie without a care in the world.
I can't cope with life and I am so sad right now, so down on myself that my OCD thoughts are telling me how horrible I am and that I should just end it all. Please don't think I want to die because I don't, It's like I'm terrified of death but at the same time think that if I wasn't here then everything would be ok and no-one would have to worry about me.
Sometimes I think I should break the law so I could go to prison and be out of everyone's life, then I would be safe also...these thoughts are so irrational and dangerous and they scare me because I know what I am capeable of. I'm not a bad person though...Please know this. How can a decent person be like this...I hate this so much!
I have the diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder, thoughts OCD, depression and anxiety. My depression and anxiety on the whole is at a level where I can just about cope with it. The thoughts and BPD are horrible and I wish I didn't have this diagnosis. I would rather have bi=polar or schitzophrenia because at least then I wouldn't have the same amount of pressure to be better and to behave in the proper way. What I mean by this is that with personality disorder people expect me to control it myself, my Psychiatrist says that there is nothing he can do to help me with this because it's my personality and therefore a part of me. I also suffer with horrific disturbing thoughts, usually of me doing something dangerous, to myself. Sometimes it's self harm, OD or jumping off bridges ect. I have carried the thoughts out on more than a few occasions and that's what scares me. I have also had numerous fights with the police, where my behaviour has been very erratic and aggressive.
Back in December I was sectioned after police pulled me off a bridge, that policeman saved my life, for which I am grateful but I can't remember what was going through my mind at the time or why I got up on that bridge in the first place. Four weeks ago I was on my way home from a night out and I began having intrusive thoughts of walking in front of a car, I phoned the crisis team and they sent the police to pick me up. I faught with them and I had to be restrained in handcuffs. They took me to hospital but after an assesment from the psych team I was allowed home. Then two weeks ago I took to many paracetamol and ended up on a drip for three days, again when I was medically fit the psych team let me go.
I am really struggling this weekend. I hate myself for the way I behave and for the stupid things that I do. When these things happen it upsets my family too and I'm sure they have had a guts full as well. I just keep thinking if I wasn't here then these things would stop happening...I wish I could just numb my mind and stop thinking...be like a zombie without a care in the world.
I can't cope with life and I am so sad right now, so down on myself that my OCD thoughts are telling me how horrible I am and that I should just end it all. Please don't think I want to die because I don't, It's like I'm terrified of death but at the same time think that if I wasn't here then everything would be ok and no-one would have to worry about me.
Sometimes I think I should break the law so I could go to prison and be out of everyone's life, then I would be safe also...these thoughts are so irrational and dangerous and they scare me because I know what I am capeable of. I'm not a bad person though...Please know this. How can a decent person be like this...I hate this so much!