I am so fed up of this, just want it all to end!!

[shotokansho]

Here goes, really really sorry if its long.

I have the diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder, thoughts OCD, depression and anxiety. My depression and anxiety on the whole is at a level where I can just about cope with it. The thoughts and BPD are horrible and I wish I didn't have this diagnosis. I would rather have bi=polar or schitzophrenia because at least then I wouldn't have the same amount of pressure to be better and to behave in the proper way. What I mean by this is that with personality disorder people expect me to control it myself, my Psychiatrist says that there is nothing he can do to help me with this because it's my personality and therefore a part of me. I also suffer with horrific disturbing thoughts, usually of me doing something dangerous, to myself. Sometimes it's self harm, OD or jumping off bridges ect. I have carried the thoughts out on more than a few occasions and that's what scares me. I have also had numerous fights with the police, where my behaviour has been very erratic and aggressive.
Back in December I was sectioned after police pulled me off a bridge, that policeman saved my life, for which I am grateful but I can't remember what was going through my mind at the time or why I got up on that bridge in the first place. Four weeks ago I was on my way home from a night out and I began having intrusive thoughts of walking in front of a car, I phoned the crisis team and they sent the police to pick me up. I faught with them and I had to be restrained in handcuffs. They took me to hospital but after an assesment from the psych team I was allowed home. Then two weeks ago I took to many paracetamol and ended up on a drip for three days, again when I was medically fit the psych team let me go.
I am really struggling this weekend. I hate myself for the way I behave and for the stupid things that I do. When these things happen it upsets my family too and I'm sure they have had a guts full as well. I just keep thinking if I wasn't here then these things would stop happening...I wish I could just numb my mind and stop thinking...be like a zombie without a care in the world.
I can't cope with life and I am so sad right now, so down on myself that my OCD thoughts are telling me how horrible I am and that I should just end it all. Please don't think I want to die because I don't, It's like I'm terrified of death but at the same time think that if I wasn't here then everything would be ok and no-one would have to worry about me.
Sometimes I think I should break the law so I could go to prison and be out of everyone's life, then I would be safe also...these thoughts are so irrational and dangerous and they scare me because I know what I am capeable of. I'm not a bad person though...Please know this. How can a decent person be like this...I hate this so much!

[Rachy-Rach]

All your behaviours seem to scream that you are begging for help and you sound frustrated that no one is helping - is that the case?

---------- Post added at 21:21 ---------- Previous post was at 21:19 ----------

Are you in the UK? Sadly our mental health care is pretty poor. Can I ask what you do? Do you work? How do you spend your time?

---------- Post added at 21:23 ---------- Previous post was at 21:21 ----------

Do you have a community psychiatric nurse?

[mrsnobody]

iam sorry you feel like this and iam sure you are a decent person. Feeling like this dosnt mean you are a bad person it just means your not currently getting the help/support you need from the psych team. it sounds like you would like help to feel better. have you spoke to your gp about how you feel. i know in some areas of the uk there are mental health units where you can book yourself in as a emergancy voulentry in patient when you are feeling this way and in others you go to a and e or phone emergancy on call doctor

please phone the out of hours doctors etc for help

[Rachy-Rach]

Try the MIND website and click on I need urgent help in the top right corner. That can point you in an immediate helpful direction but you need long term support.

http://www.mind.org.uk/

[shotokansho]

Hi thanks for the quick replies. Yes I do feel like no-one is helping me, they say only I can change, it has to come from me and that's where I feel all the pressure to be good. Yes I do work. I have just started a new job, it's my first job in 16 years and I do really enjoy it. I work in school kitchens. I work every day except Wednesdays because I am having CAT with a psychologist. I also have a care coordinator, he is really good but I find it hard talking to him because he is virtually blind and sometimes I wonder if he can see me or know how I'm feeling. It's really hard because when he comes round for a visit he bumps into virtually everything.
Even if I wanted to admit myself to hospital my consultant has the final word, he can kick me out if he wanted too, and he has done that too me loads of times. There have been times when he has discharged me when I haven't felt ready and there is nothing I can do about it. He says that the mental health unit isn't an appropriate place for me because my problems are psychological and it's my personality.

[kittikat]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this and that you feel you have been let down.

If you are in a desparate state may I suggest that you contact out of hours emergency GP or take yourself straight to A&E explaining all that you have here.

This is not your fault, you need to get appropriate help. Do not blame yourself.

You can also contact the Samaritans details on this link -

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

You are not alone and there are people who care. Please look after yourself. Kitti :)

[saro]

Im sorry to hear you are going through this shoto, Have you tried counselling? I think maybe talking to someone could help you with this especially the suicidal thoughts. I know ive had these on a few occasions in the past and speaking to someone who doesn't know you, or wont judge you can help you figure out numerous things about yourself and how to control in the best possible way. Its an option you could consider.

I hope you feel better soon :)

[shotokansho]

Thanks everyone.
I am a little fed up and down this morning but not as bad as last night. I know what you are saying about talking to someone who doesn't know me that won't judge, I understand that but I always think people WILL judge and I can't cope with that, I also feel guilty thinking I am wasting people's time. I know this is the wrong way of thinking but I can't help it. I just find it so hard to open my mouth and speak these words...crazy really. My mum always says that she would prefer it if I told her so she could help from the start and actually drive me to the hospital rather than have the police pick me up, but I even find that hard!
I think a big problem is that I don't understand myself, I can't control my emotions and thoughts and I certainly don't understand my personality. I just wish I could be normal.
Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate the support.
Kez xx