vanadium
10-09-06, 22:36
So for about 5-6 years now I've been having stomach pains. Last year they found a misplaced kidney and removed it (see earlier threads for what happened after that), but the pains continued.
For about 5-4 years I've been having blood in my stool and/or on the toilet paper (yes, I now this is boarding on TMI, but still).
All sorts of tests have been taken, CAT scan, ultrasound, the "finger" test, anoscopy, proctoscopy, etc.
They have found two hemorrhoids, which of course could be the cause of it, but they also see some kind of irritation "further" up, so there's always a
BUT* (no pun intended).
this but is now sending me off to a colonoscopy, which is fine and dandy I guess (except I'll probably have another panic attack when I have to visit the hospital, but that again is another story).
but as the days pass on my mind just fills itself up with cancer. What if it's cancer, I don't want to have cancer, etc.
I'm not afraid to die, it's not that. It's having to go through a long stay at the hospital again (see earlier threads), I don't have that strength.
I already feel pretty abnormal, I don't want to have my bowel removed, and get a Stoma. It's one of my biggest fears having to have stoma, I hate the mere thought.
These thoughts sends me lapsing into waking nightmares of cancer, to be honest cancer/sickness is pretty much what's on my mind every waking moment.
I realize the response will be, seek help, you need help, etc, but what if I really have cancer, what kind of help could anyone really offer then. The thought of chemotherapy, radiation, operations, medicines, long hospital stays, losing my hair, lying sick in a bed just waiting for my last breath, are not anything to be helped with, and these thoughts just makes me... well, basically I'd rather die then go through that. I don't have that strength every survivor is talking about. I just don't.
And just moments ago, there were blood in my stool again (not to mention how I have now real stool pattern), and I just want to call the emergency and have them do something, pat me on the head tell me it'll be al right, or just have someone say,it's nothing, really, no but's, if's or could be's. Just a concluding whatever.
And it always comes creeping at night, tearing me apart.
And the benzos I'm given to help at these "angst" moments, are starting to loose effect, and I have to take more, and I have really no idea what I'm going to do, no Idea at all, because cancer is everywhere, and there's no telling who will get it and who won't. Exercise and eating healthy can keep it down, but it's always there, in over 150 forms, and not being able to deal with that (this) makes me think I'm not really cut out for this life.
bah, sorry for the blogish angst rant.
For about 5-4 years I've been having blood in my stool and/or on the toilet paper (yes, I now this is boarding on TMI, but still).
All sorts of tests have been taken, CAT scan, ultrasound, the "finger" test, anoscopy, proctoscopy, etc.
They have found two hemorrhoids, which of course could be the cause of it, but they also see some kind of irritation "further" up, so there's always a
BUT* (no pun intended).
this but is now sending me off to a colonoscopy, which is fine and dandy I guess (except I'll probably have another panic attack when I have to visit the hospital, but that again is another story).
but as the days pass on my mind just fills itself up with cancer. What if it's cancer, I don't want to have cancer, etc.
I'm not afraid to die, it's not that. It's having to go through a long stay at the hospital again (see earlier threads), I don't have that strength.
I already feel pretty abnormal, I don't want to have my bowel removed, and get a Stoma. It's one of my biggest fears having to have stoma, I hate the mere thought.
These thoughts sends me lapsing into waking nightmares of cancer, to be honest cancer/sickness is pretty much what's on my mind every waking moment.
I realize the response will be, seek help, you need help, etc, but what if I really have cancer, what kind of help could anyone really offer then. The thought of chemotherapy, radiation, operations, medicines, long hospital stays, losing my hair, lying sick in a bed just waiting for my last breath, are not anything to be helped with, and these thoughts just makes me... well, basically I'd rather die then go through that. I don't have that strength every survivor is talking about. I just don't.
And just moments ago, there were blood in my stool again (not to mention how I have now real stool pattern), and I just want to call the emergency and have them do something, pat me on the head tell me it'll be al right, or just have someone say,it's nothing, really, no but's, if's or could be's. Just a concluding whatever.
And it always comes creeping at night, tearing me apart.
And the benzos I'm given to help at these "angst" moments, are starting to loose effect, and I have to take more, and I have really no idea what I'm going to do, no Idea at all, because cancer is everywhere, and there's no telling who will get it and who won't. Exercise and eating healthy can keep it down, but it's always there, in over 150 forms, and not being able to deal with that (this) makes me think I'm not really cut out for this life.
bah, sorry for the blogish angst rant.