My problems

[ben29]

Hello, I don't normally make forum posts but I thought maybe if I write about my problems it might help me and perhaps get some useful advice:weep:

O.k so three years ago I finished university and I haven't worked since then. When I first graduated I was a mess, the stress of doing the degree, worrying I would fail put me in quite a bad state of mind. I finished my degree and got a 2.1 but I didn't even go to my graduation because I couldn't face the people so just hid at home and let them post my degree out to me rather than do the normal graduation ceremony. I thought I would take some time off before I got a job and thought after a couple of months or so I would feel better... That was three years ago and I haven't even applied for a single job in this time.

I realised I needed to get myself sorted and went to the doctors. My symptoms are depression, anxiety and a kind of OCD over punishing myself by constantly reminding myself of terrible things that i've seen on the news, TV, movies etc. From what i've heard most people get intrusive thoughts about themselves doing bad things, mine are different, I don't think about doing them but just can't stop myself rehashing certain scenes over and over in my mind. It's like i'm punishing myself but I don't know why.

I have absolutely no friends. For a while people would still text me, call me, email etc but I shut everyone out and after a while I guess people stopped bothering and I became extremely isolated. I'm not agoraphobic, I can leave the house fine, just have no-where to go.

I started taking Sertraline 3 weeks ago in the hope this would get me feeling better but I don't think it's working, I used Citalopram in the past about 5 years ago and whilst I think it helped me a lot psychologically the side effects of nausea and sexual dysfunction made it quite unpleasant and I didn't stay on it for long.

I feel very suicidal at the moment. I think I am very likely to kill myself soon, I actually don't want to die but I get some very very bad days where logic goes completely out the window and i'm not able to imagine things ever getting better. I think if I don't get myself in some kind of psychiatric hospital very soon I am unlikely to be able to stop myself.

The other day I took a rope and wandered from my house to a local park / play area with the intention of climbing up the climbing frame and using it to hang myself from. This was about 2 or 3am. Just before I was about to do it I realised that as it is a park / play area with swings and slide and stuff like that would mean that young children could discover my body and that it would be a terrible terrible thing to inflict witnessing something like that on them. So I went home with the intention of thinking of a better location to do it from the next day.

As it turned out the next day was a 'better day', so I didn't kill myself but I feel like a ticking time bomb and the next bad day I get will be my last, even though I don't want to do it, I don't think I will be able to stop myself.

I absolutely cannot talk to anyone and face telling my doctor my true feelings as I have issues being open and honest about my true feelings in person.

I don't know what to do :weep:

[theharvestmouse]

Firstly I empathise with you, I share some of your problems and know how bad it is to be in such a dark place. Maybe you should go to see a different GP, sometimes I find it easier to speak to a woman GP, I feel I am more open with them. You need to seek help now, don't let this get any worse.

Life can get better, you have to believe that it can, you need help, and it is there, there are people on here who know more ways of getting help.

[reddevil]

First of all, you have friends here on this forum and you will see, your not alone with depression and anxiety and talking with people can help.

I would not worry about telling your doctor, they are there to listen and help and you would not be the only person to of seen them over this matter.

I went through seeing different doctors until I found one who I trusted I could talk to and I could see he was going to help me etc.

My doctor told me, 1 in 4 people in the waiting room is here to discuss anxiety.

[Sparkle1984]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. We will always be here to support you and you can always speak to someone at the Samaritans if you think that would help. If your current doctor isn't very sympathetic is there another doctor at your local surgery you could see? You could also ask to be referred for counselling.

Also,as you've only been on sertraline for 3 weeks it probably isn't working fully yet. It is quite common for people to feel worse before they get better. It can take several weeks for meds to kick in fully, for me it took about 11 weeks. If you continue to feel like this, it may be best to switch to a different medication.

Although it may not seem like it now, there is always hope.

Sending hugs. :hugs:

[ben29]

If your current doctor isn't very sympathetic is there another doctor at your local surgery you could see? You could also ask to be referred for counselling.

Actually my GP is really good, the problem isn't her it's me. She's been very patient with me even though I was quite rude to her when I went in. I got very snappy with her when she started asking me questions about what might have caused the problem. I was embarrassed to admit I haven't worked in years so I lied and said I had only been out of work for only a few months. This made her ask questions about the unemployment, had I been fired from my last job? Things like this. I felt very defensive and told her to mind her own business etc which was very out of character for me.

She asked me if I would like counseling but I said no and that I wouldn't want to talk to anyone about my personal issues. She was trying very hard to be helpful and offered me a range of different counseling / therapy options. I refused them all.

The only thing I didn't like was that before I had my appointment I had a telephone interview with her and she asked a range of probing questions, one of the things she asked was whether people could tell by looking at me that I had problems. I said no and took some comfort in thinking my problems were safely 'hidden away' and nobody could know unless I told them. However, when I went in to her office she said I looked frightened to death and not to worry. This may sound trivial but to me it was very significant because I then started to feel paranoid that anyone I talked to would know my secret.

[starlight78]

Hi Ben,
I really feel for you. I've struggled with the same type of thoughts you are having, but they haven't gone as far because I've been fortunate to have got support and the right treatment.
Please talk to someone, this is symptoms of an illness, and it will pass with the right treatment. It may be that sertraline needs more time, you may need another med altogether or a talking therapy. Please reach out to someone. Maybe if you can't talk to them you could write it down and give it to the GP x x

[Sparkle1984]

Hi again. :)

There is no need for you to feel ashamed of anything. I always say to people that if you had a broken leg, you wouldn't feel ashamed, so people shouldn't be ashamed about having anxiety/depression. There is also no need to be embarrassed about being out of work, even if you haven't worked for a long time. I'm sure that if you had been able to work, you would have done so. It is not your fault if you are too ill to work. However embarrassing your problems may seem, the counsellor has probably heard similar from other people, so they won't be shocked by it.

I hope you will consider taking another look at the therapy options offered by your doctor, as it could help you deal with the underlying issues that are causing your anxiety. Whatever you decide, I hope you will feel better soon.

[ben29]

I saw my doctor today and I don't know what came over me... I'm usually good at keeping my problems to myself but I just sort of started talking and I told her about how low and suicidal I was feeling.

I'm really worried I said too much. She made arrangements for what she called the 'crisis team' to ring me. I thought no problem it's just a phonecall and that when they call i'll just make up an excuse or reason why I don't need them. I didn't want to talk to them but I just didn't speak out and somehow I agreed to them coming around my house tomorrow morning at 9.30am. They wanted to see me today but I managed to get it put off till tomorrow so I think they're treating this as some kind of emergency.

I'm so worried that i'll get sectioned and I don't know what to do. I want to make up a story and tell them i'm suddenly feeling a lot better but i'm terrible at lying, I also don't want to lie, the way I feel is that im approaching my death and I want to go out with some dignity and not lie and be deceitful about it, but i'm so worried i'll get put in a mental hospital.

I looked into mental health hospitals and I saw that if you get put in one you end up sharing a room and sleeping with a complete stranger. I'm panicking i'll end up locked in a room with someone who is aggressive or something. Has anyone here been sectioned? Do they lock you in your room at night? This is really worrying me :unsure:

What should I do?

[steveo]

Hi Ben. I'm a 28 year old male with a life long history of terrible anxiety.

At the start of this year, out of the blue, I've had a massive massive mental breakdown. Life as I knew it has completely stopped for me.

I have had weeks of being curled up in a ball, crying because of how depressed this constant anxiety makes me feel. Suicide has very much been in my head many times. I have even self harmed recently.

My advice to you is just to give it time. I've been in some absolute terrible messes over these last few months because of all this and I still can't really see an end to it now. But things do improve. Things never ever stay the same. I found starting back on an SSRi really made my suicidal feelings so much worse. I have had so much love and support from people on here telling me that things do get better and that it's the medication. So I waited and waited and things are very very slowly getting better. My suicidal intentions have gone, for now. I was worried I would get sectioned too as my dad couldn't cope with watching me all the time and seeing me cutting myself. I eventually had a couple of mental health nurses come out to see me and they told me how I really really wouldn't want to be taken away to a mental health hospital! They told me that I would be begging to come home because of how serious some of the cases are in there. So get that though out of your head.

It's very important you tell the health case professionals EVERYTHING. I can't stress that enough. There is help out there, but not if you are keeping things to yourself and not actively seeking it. You need to help yourself as much as you can.
I've been where you have and I still am there.

Help yourself as much as you can and actively get help from any healthcare professional you can!

Steven x

[ben29]

Well im in a mental hospital, ill be here for a few weeks or so, we'll see. Anyway it's nice in here and all the staff are lovely and the other patients are friendly too. We have our own rooms and the place is nice and the food is good and the activities are good. XxX