Crashed again...feeling low

[Sunshine77]

Well after quitting my job last week I had a few days where I felt amazing - like my old self and with very little anxiety. I was ok when they picked up the company car, ok hunting for and buying an old banger, ok speaking to the benefits people, basically I had faith that I'd done the right thing and that everything would be ok. I had periods of calm that I haven't felt for a long time.

Great, I thought, we're on the up!

I was wrong.

It's back.

I think I was just high with relief for a few days there... these last couple of days I've felt terrible again, all the anxiety symptoms are there except for the panic attacks thank God.

I had my first CBT appointment this morning and that was a disappointment. I was in a bit of a state getting to the place and trying to find it/park etc. The therapist was about 23, lovely girl but I didn't feel reassured (sorry, I don't mean to be ageist). I was there 45 minutes for an assessment and at the end she said I could have a 30 minute session once a fortnight for 6 sessions! Or wait 20 weeks and have a 1 hour session once a week!!! 20 weeks??? Jeez.

I spent the afternoon with my mum who is pretty toxic as per some of my previous posts... didn't help.

Sorry to whinge, I just feel like the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out. I feel guilt and shame at not working, and I just wonder what happened to the person I was, who was so capable and unflappable and could cope with all sorts of stuff? I think explaining it to the therapist just brought it home to me. I am very weepy tonight.

I don't know what I expect any of you to say, I just feel very alone and very sad and scared and I needed to share it... thanks for reading x

---------- Post added at 20:53 ---------- Previous post was at 20:51 ----------

I think the other thing that's freaked me out today is that I've been trying to get Power of Attorney for my dad since his suicide attempt and the paperwork finally came through today. That means I now have LOADS to do and frankly the thought of speaking to banks/solicitors/mortgage people/utility companies etc makes me want to get under the duvet and never come out. All that keeps going round in my head is the 3 words: I CAN'T COPE

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Sunshine I'm sure that you will and can cope. You need some encouragement and support to do that. I'm sorry that the CBT session did not go well. I would try to get it to work. I had CBT in hospital in a group setting and it did not work for me. It was because I was too depressed and unmotivated to do the homework!! I would definitely give it a go. There are many good books about CBT and I suggest that you try to look at one of them - then at least you will know what is going on and what is expected of you. I can sympathise with the problems that you are having with your Dad. My Dad was ill and subsequently died in April 2011. It was horrendous as his two sisters no longer speak to us as they felt that we did not do enough for him. My sister was also having a breakdown as she had given up work to look after him and now had no money and was unable to cope. We did the Probate ourselves (so if you can sort out the Power of Attorney yourself it will save money) We printed all the necessary forms from the internet and had to go to Ipswich to get the probate granted. It is going to be a very tough time for you but stay strong. If you have somebody who can help then get then to do some of the phone calls and letters for you. Make a record of everything that you have done. I did have my husband to help me and without his practical help I would not have got it done. My poor sister was quite useless at that time. You are definitely not whinging Sunshine. We are here for you. EJ

[Annie0904]

Aww Sunshine, as you know I recently left work to and was the same as you, really up for a few days then the reality of it all hit me. Wondering what the future holds in the way of work. I still know I have done the right thing and I am sure you have too. You now have the added stress of sorting out the power of attorney. I got stressed out just sorting out the legal papers for my compromise agreement. This is a big task you have to do and anyone would get anxious by it. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some me time. Maybe a spa treatment? Like ElizabethJane said is there anyone who could help you with the paper work? I also think that after we have off loaded stuff to a therapist it can make you feel very drained. I always feel weepy after my sessions. Sending you hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Tessar]

Noooooooo sunshine, what are we going to do?? First off, none of this guilt and shame and that's an order. They are two seriously powerful words and very destructive too. I know from my own experience that guilt and shame eat away at you. Please don't beat yourself up about your work situation. For you my friend there is nothing to be gained from it, really there isn't.
Lets look at a few things here .... For starters you haven't just sat around, you've been getting things done haven't you. Benefits people sorted, car purchased. Oh and first CBT session. You're not being ageist, at least I don't see it that way. I find when it comes to support of this nature, I do prefer someone at least my age if not older. That's human nature I believe perhaps because we sense someone with more experience or about the same is going to be wiser.
Hmmm. Toxic mother syndrome. I am very familiar with that situations and it really ain't pretty. I can be in the best mood ever but then make the mistake of speaking to my mother on the phone, she then in the space of two minutes manages to press all the wrong buttons and then I'm fuming for the rest of the day. Every time I hope for a better outcome but she never fails to disappoint (touch of sarcasm there.......).
Well, your first CBT appointment was an eye opener wasn't it? Like you say..... 20 weeks. Or 6 sessions 30mins a go? Uhhhhhh?? Whinge? You could have said far more than you did, if it had been me I expect I'd have turned it I to a rant.
Finally sunshine, this business to do with your dad, that's a big deal you know, alot to take on so please don't be too hard on yourself.
Sounds to me like it would be you who is need of some nice, kind hugs. Visualise this scene..... Imagine me coming along to wipe away your tears, you can have a nice warm and healing hug from me which in turn will pass you some of my inner strength. At the same time I am benefitting too by learning that whilst sometimes I don't feel very important, I am learning that I can help others. We can all help each other cant we?
Hopefully tomorrow is going to be a better day for you.
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Sunshine77]

Morning all, thank you for your lovely words. I get so much strength from this forum.

The Power of Attorney thing: the application is all done, I explained it wrong. I did all that stuff just before my breakdown. It's the actual confirmation that came through, so what needs doing now is to speak to all the relevant people about getting access to his records etc, and also I can finally sell the flat. I am not sure if this is something anyone can help me with given that I'm the only named Attorney. I know my husband will help in any way he can but I just feel so guilty (sorry Tessar!!) at all the things he's having to do for me on top of his own job and life.

EJ I will give the CBT my best effort, was thinking of signing up to the CBT4PANIC course too. I'm willing to put the work in - anything to help myself.

Annie you're right, I do still know that I've done the right thing work-wise. And I do still have faith that there is something better for me around the corner, it just hasn't made itself known to me yet!

Tessar you brought a tear to my eye with your hug! Thank you. And on the mother subject - I know exactly what you mean, I don't have expectations any more that she will be different, but every time I see her or speak to her I hope that I'll react less and handle it better, and that I won't feel exhausted and sad afterwards... but I always do! I try and let it all wash over me but my skin is too thin (always has been) and I end up taking on her misery and bitterness.

So today I feel slightly brighter than last night...I'm meeting a close friend for lunch and then getting my hair cut and am off to my favourite AA meeting tonight. I know that today will be as good or as bad as I let it be - and I'm ready for a good one!

:hugs: :hugs: to all and thanks again xxx

[Annie0904]

I hope you have a good day today Sunshine :hugs::hugs: xx

[Col]

Sunshine, I can both relate and empathise with you. When I quit I was relieved in one way but the thought of chucking my prospective career away after ALL I'd done & went through would leave me absolutly every bit of the word - Heartbroken. I never let my mask slip but I went to book a doctors app at the time and when the receptionist asked whats the appointment for, I just started to sob at the counter, I was sooo embarrassed. Then when I finally went to see the doctor on 2 separate occasions I broke down, in floods of tears. Honestly its awful. I really really relate. It will take time but you will get stronger X

[Tessar]

Hey sunshine, I'm glad my hug touched you. Tears often are a response to sadness but also they reflect the depth of feeling that is there inside us in the moment. I nearly didn't do it but I am making myself be more "touchy feely" even if its virtual hugs I am delivering..... I'll get better at delivering them if I keep doing it eh? Unreality too I am practicing the whole not chicken ing out thing.
I hope your meeting went well tonight.

[frosty2901]

Sunshine I just wanted to send you a :hugs:

Is there anywhere you can go to or speak to about the power of attorney thing like cab or some one who has done it before get some ideas of how to break it down if not just take it slowly and start with the most important first remember sometimes you may have to deal with rude people in these environments so just take it and smile lol

The cbt thing iam waiting to hear back about cbt if and when I can have it and I think like you if I have to deal with a younger person it will be hard but at the same time it may be a blessing in that they aren't set in old ways and have the most up-to date knowledge of how to help you you don't know until you try it (all though it may feel a bit strange listening to someone younger )

I tend to feel a bit down once things have come and past like my birthday jan then anniversary feb and valentines feb its as if a lot of things on the horizon have now past so maybe the fact about your job and getting the power of attorney and finally starting cbt have now happened your mind is thinking what is on the horizon now


Hope some of this makes sense it is just my thoughts
Frosty x

[Serenitie]

[QUOTE
I know that today will be as good or as bad as I let it be - and I'm ready for a good one!

:hugs: :hugs: to all and thanks again xxx[/QUOTE]

Great attitude! I hope that your day was kind to you :hugs: x

[Sunshine77]

Tessar your hug was beautifully delivered and gratefully received! I used to be uncomfortable with hugging as well. Then I joined AA and discovered the power of the hug - everyone hugs in AA! Anyway here is a virtual one for you too :hugs:

Frosty you're right, you know, about the younger person having a more current take on things. I'm keeping an open mind. I'm also aware that I'm making myself sound really old!!

Col gosh I do get so much identification with you! But I have to ask myself, what's the point of a sparkling career if it makes me too poorly to enjoy my life? What's the point in having money and no time to spend it? What's the point of being married if I spend my evenings glued to my laptop and fretting about someone finding out that I'm not as good as they think I am? It's funny you know, I've won a few awards during my career and each one has made me more anxious. Instead of validating my success, they have caused me to push myself even harder, to make sure I live up to my reputation.

My whole relationship with my career has been dysfunctional in the extreme. I need balance in my life. BUT that doesn't mean that I'm not gutted to have had to jack it in!!

Cat - thanks, I try.... yesterday was up & down in the end, more up than down though so that's good.

Today is an "admin" day - going to crack on with the power of attorney stuff and see how I get on.

Hope you all have a lovely day xxx

[Col]

Tessar your hug was beautifully delivered and gratefully received! I used to be uncomfortable with hugging as well. Then I joined AA and discovered the power of the hug - everyone hugs in AA! Anyway here is a virtual one for you too :hugs:

Frosty you're right, you know, about the younger person having a more current take on things. I'm keeping an open mind. I'm also aware that I'm making myself sound really old!!

Col gosh I do get so much identification with you! But I have to ask myself, what's the point of a sparkling career if it makes me too poorly to enjoy my life? What's the point in having money and no time to spend it? What's the point of being married if I spend my evenings glued to my laptop and fretting about someone finding out that I'm not as good as they think I am? It's funny you know, I've won a few awards during my career and each one has made me more anxious. Instead of validating my success, they have caused me to push myself even harder, to make sure I live up to my reputation.

My whole relationship with my career has been dysfunctional in the extreme. I need balance in my life. BUT that doesn't mean that I'm not gutted to have had to jack it in!!

Cat - thanks, I try.... yesterday was up & down in the end, more up than down though so that's good.

Today is an "admin" day - going to crack on with the power of attorney stuff and see how I get on.

Hope you all have a lovely day xxx

Hi Sunshine - the similarities don't stop there, I just read the above post and laughed because you said you used to be uncomfortable with hugging- honestly , so am I. Me and my brother were only talking about this very issue a couple of weeks ago! VERY strange.

Yep brilliantly put about career/ health and wealth. Sooo true X