tough day

[maximus1975]

testing day hospitol visit this morning had to be up at 7 am so from 1 am last night till 4 am i was clock watching panicking about the hospitol visit u no how it is, anyway visit didnt go to badly was edgy but made it through it, got home, and thought sod it i can let this anxiety rule me and went and played in a golf competition i was really nervous playing with strangers but got through it , had some wierd thoughts on the coarse, like if i die of a heart attack today i could think of worse places to go. after about 8 holes i could feel the panic coming in so it was 10mg of diazepam and i soon calmed down. i feel like im cheating as im using up a lot of my doses for the day up before i go golf and then during the round usually half way round.
im building a problem up for myself as im getting into the mindset that i need a certain amount of benzos to play golf. having said that ive had one of the worst weeks of my life my family said it took a lot of guts to play golf today, i want to pat myself on the back but i no in my head the diazepam got me round

[Annie0904]

You have done well today, you have done a lot even if you did have to take diazepam to get through it. You must be tired tonight after the long day. I hope you get a good nights sleep x

[kittikat]

Max,

I know what you have been through and I have to say you really did brilliantly...and yes you should pat yourself on the back, you deserve one of these :hugs:

The benzo issue will sort itself out as you get stronger...many of us have used it to get through a tough time...the problem comes when you depend on it to get you through, you know that. Give the new meds a chance to settle...you understand what is going on inside you. The fact is you ARE facing these things and you should feel very proud of yourself for doing that.

You got yourself round, the diaz just helped take the edge off. Well done :yesyes:

Kitti :) xx

[maximus1975]

well yeh im pretty happy with myself yeh the extra benzos or bunching my doses together need to be sorted out but hey im trying my best , i always play golf with my brother but he was in a different team to me today so it was extra pressure . ive taken my daily dose no more but did bunch it together for the hospitol visit, im tired this evening i hope i sleep better tonight . meeting cpn tomorrow which i usually feel its a waste of time but must put the effort in.
there was times playing today where i thought i made a mistake playing as my thoughts were not the best but i stuck it out

[Annie0904]

Aww You have done well..get a good nights sleep and I hope you have a good day tomorrow :hugs::hugs:

[maximus1975]

thats my main problem at the moment i cant be sure how im gunna feel when i wake up ,the anxeity of turning down that job seems to be fading a little i just wish i felt as good in the mornings as i do in the evenings but i think its like that for a lot of people? xx

[Annie0904]

It is, I am the same, I feel fine now but I always wake up feeling anxious. I find it is better if I get up as soon as I wake up, make myself breakfast and a cup of tea then have a shower. The longer I stay in bed the worse I am xx

[maximus1975]

yeh i will try and get back to sleep for over an hour even if ive had a good nights sleep as i just want to get to the afternoon asap xx need to change that attitude

[BobbyDog]

Well done Max, sometimes we all need a safety blanket.x