new pastures

[76rob]

hello to you all. my name is rob, im 36 and have had anxiety/depression issues on and off for most of my adult life. i guess i wanted to join this site primarily for the distraction that can be achieved through communicating freely with people who will know where i am coming from. one of the motivations for coming on here is that id like to think i could advise the younger versions of myself out there against making the sort of mistakes i have.
for me personally my life so far from childhood to present day has been a catalogue of impulsiveness and ever fluctuating mental state and competence. as a lot of you will know its very difficult to pledge a consistency to others whether it be a partner or an employer when your days can be endlessly consumed with just attempting to 'be'. 'writing a book a day in your mind' month after month, year after year gets exhausting and exasperating, the deeper youve dug the hole the harder it becomes to excersise the daily surface requirements expected of you by others.
im not going to write my life story because to a degree its irrelevant, there is but today and tommorow, i just know that living with these sort of conditions restricts your ability to gather what you grew up to learn to expect from life, i think ive got far enough to let it go now and accept but its not always easy to keep the sadness and confusion at bay when you live on the edge each day, your only hope that the next 15 minute window passes without too much incident. my condition gave me a wonderful childhood, but what goes up must come down and the memories are as distorted as there are bitter sweet. we all know there are people worse off, you can re inforce that day after day, some days when it goes well i can forget myself but not often and whatever todays achievements 'itll' be there in the morning like bloody groundhog day.
as an introduction i want to keep it fairly light as ive still got it in me to smile,i just need to keep it

[Insight]

Hello Rob,i can really relate to your post and wish i could express it as well as you do instead of my muddled head lol.

Welcome along :)

[kittikat]

Hello 76rob & :welcome:

Well, it's good that you can still smile :D and many here will understand your interpretation of 'Groundhog Day' only too well. Stay positive and enjoy your time here on the forum amongst fellow sufferers. I have to say it has been a great comfort and distraction to me, hope it's the same for you :yesyes:

Kitti :)

[76rob]

thankyou both.

[Serenitie]

You are very welcome here, Rob :hugs:

[76rob]

its a tricky one to fathom, if i was given the option to revert back to ignorance and a self serving approach with the guarantee of more light in my life id reject it. i may not feel as much light in my life as i once did but in hindsight it was never sunlight anyway, by this it wasnt pure, i was propelled by immoral agenda, at the time i immersed myself in selfish pleasures mainly under the influence of drink etc. eradicating vices has sprung new dilema's but im learning bit by bit and despite this horrible feeling i have in my body a lot of the time, i actually like who i am now more than i ever have. im trying to learn not to just do deep, i've always been so deep, i can talk on this with ease because it just feels native tongue, whereas going out and trying to intergrate into the chit chat of society is becoming increasingly more isolating the older i get. i guess i miss the wonder years when my imagination worked in my favour rather than against me and that id applied it more constructively when i had the chance. its sounds terribly self pitiful i know but my agenda for coming on here is more aimed at being able to help rather than be helped. if i can build up some rapport with folk on here whilst relatively strong and hopefully offer something i wont feel too afraid to shout in the dark when i crash if that makes sense.

[Mark13]

Glad to have you with us.

I've found a great deal of support and guidance since I've been here.

I'm sure you will too.