Confused about recovery

[NoPoet]

Hi all,

I have reached another "plateau" in my recovery - a point where I don't seem to be getting any better. As usual, I've reached this plateau by doing something wrong.

As I've become more confident, I have started getting a bit arrogant and quite aggressive. I have lost some respect and empathy for others - I have never been told that I lack empathy before. I seem to be using my aspergers as another tool of avoidance, creating a gulf between "them" and "me".

So I basically have problems with anger, empathy and avoidance.

Finally, I am still scared of depression. One of my friends is quite depressed. I would like to help him but I find he triggers my anxiety.

I've emailed my therapist for another appointment. I know these lulls in recovery do happen, it's just disspiriting to realise that I was taking my recovery in a sideways direction instead of forwards.

[flossie]

On a positive note though you have recognised the areas that are giving you problems and are keen to work to improve them.
I completely understand what you mean about being scared of the depression. Don't feel bad about not feeling able to help your friend at this time. Knowing that he is depressed and that you would like to be able to help doesn't seem like someone who is lacking in empathy to me. The complete opposite in fact.
I hope you get to speak to your therapist soon.

[NoPoet]

Hi Flossie, thanks for the reply. I never thought about that: a person cannot be un-empathetic if they still want to help others. Maybe I lack empathy at work because I don't like the job and am applying for a new one.

I know it's hard to advise people about recovery since a lot of people who come here are at or near rock bottom. I just hope it's reassuring to know that people do get better with time and effort. Recovery is a tough road with setbacks and wrong turns, but that's why we were given brains and determination.

[BobbyDog]

I would not berate yourself, it's only your survival instinct taking over and protecting you.x

[Edie]

Recovery is sadly never a smooth road. It's more common that you make sudden great strides forward, followed by periods of no apparent progress (sometimes even back-sliding). I wonder if it's your increased confidence that has led to your Asperger traits becoming more noticeable.

Contacting your therapist is a very sensible approach. I hope she will have some useful advice for you.

[theharvestmouse]

It does get harder to make progress when you get so far in a recovery, and sometimes it suddenly hits you that things have not improved as much as you thought they would.

[NoPoet]

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice. It is indeed a rocky road. I've gone back to the roots of recovery by reading Claire Weekes and it reminded me that all anxiety is just fear. In my case, I am afraid of feeling fear and the physical sensations fear brings. So I'm caught in the most basic anxiety trap.

I never really accepted this and I have gone back to fighting against the anx. Fighting just causes me to feel stressed and angry all the time. Adrenaline is very addictive.

I'm trying to break my obsessive thought patterns and learn to accept that I am afraid of my own fear, that no outside force is inflicting this on me. My only problem is, I've been an obsessive thinker because of my personality style and I have always felt fear. What am I going to do without them? What will I think about? How will I feel? It's hard to know that I must break the habits of a lifetime and I literally do not know how to broaden my thought topics.

[Serenitie]

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice. It is indeed a rocky road. I've gone back to the roots of recovery by reading Claire Weekes and it reminded me that all anxiety is just fear. In my case, I am afraid of feeling fear and the physical sensations fear brings. So I'm caught in the most basic anxiety trap.

I never really accepted this and I have gone back to fighting against the anx. Fighting just causes me to feel stressed and angry all the time. Adrenaline is very addictive.

I'm trying to break my obsessive thought patterns and learn to accept that I am afraid of my own fear, that no outside force is inflicting this on me. My only problem is, I've been an obsessive thinker because of my personality style and I have always felt fear. What am I going to do without them? What will I think about? How will I feel? It's hard to know that I must break the habits of a lifetime and I literally do not know how to broaden my thought topics.
Hi :)

I'm in the process of letting go of my own fear and anxieties. I have made great progress. It has been and continues to be a very active process where I challenge negative thought processes that had become habitual. A thought is not real. It is just a thought and thoughts and thought processes can be changed and retrained with concious effort. Whatever thought processes and behaviours we have learned can be un-learned.

If we stick to the same thought processes that fuel our anxiety, we will have the same outcome. Wanting different outcomes and making progress keeps me motivated.

Find an outlet for your stress and anger that produces adrenaline in a more productive way. I used to love boxing as a release, why not try something like this? I do interval training on my bike now :)

What will you feel if you break your current thinking patterns? Relief! You can still focus meticulously on positive activities that you are talented at, like your writing. It is not about changing who you are but re channelling your energies into positive activities.

I wish you every success :yesyes:

[NoPoet]

Hi, what a brilliant post! Thank you :)

Sometimes all we need is someone else to say "It's going to be all right". I am learning that there's nothing wrong with seeking occasional reassurance, since it's just part of human nature.

It's easy to think we can simply re-write human nature and maybe we can, but we're wading through code that was written by a force far older and more powerful than ourselves. It's made me into a believer that there is more going on than we know about.

It's frustrating to constantly butt up against negative thoughts but it really is amazing how many hidden little thoughts you uncover when you actively try to accept that everything we do and feel is based on fear. As you said, the absence of fear would leave calmness and probably an interest in getting out into the world. When you are reduced to fearing the absence of fear, you know you're doing something wrong.

As for training, I've been walking in the countryside with my mate - not just little pidder walks around the block, epic walks of up to 4 hours that are nearly killing us :D

My strength is probably more mental than physical, so I wouldn't be able to match you at kickboxing or cycling, but I am an extremely astute problem solver who simply hasn't found anything in life that has ever challenged me to my core - I think anxiety has been that missing problem for me, something that I can engage with my full mental capacity. The only other thing I view like this is my writing. Weird.