Anxiety triggers, silent screaming and SSRI increase...

[Sunshine77]

Hi All, hope everyone's doing ok.

So the last couple of weeks since resigning from my job have been a complete rollercoaster. I had a few days of complete euphoria, the relief was enormous and people told me I was looking better. Then it wore off and the anxiety is back in a big way.

I've started to identify my triggers now:

Waiting / queuing (for anything)
Noisy, crowded places
Seeing my dad (in a care home due to mental illness)
My mother (in any shape or form)
Paperwork / official letters & tasks
Being hugged when I'm panicky - makes me feel claustrophobic.
Mornings. Just full stop, mornings.

Most of which are not very conducive to getting another job which is really what I ought to be doing now. However I've applied for and been awarded ESA pending my ATOS medical and this morning I went back to the doctors to get a certificate. Told her how I was feeling and she has upped my dose of Citalopram from 20mg to 30mg so I know I can expect to get worse again before I get better. I've also had my first CBT and second one is next week.

In the meantime I just feel so frustrated. It's like there's a silent scream in my head the entire time. Does that make sense to anyone? I had it in the weeks running up to my breakdown and I'm scared to have it back again. I don't feel particularly tearful, just angry and frustrated with myself, sick of feeling this way and so guilty to be leaning on my husband financially.

I just feel a bit like I don't know who I am or what the hell I'm doing any more.

Sorry to go on, it just helps to get it out there. Thanks for listening xx

[Ineedlookingafter]

I totally hear you about the silent scream. I am getting it more and more. Getting ill again has been my worse nightmare. I wish I could resign and get a job with less stress and less responsibility but we can't afford to do that right now so I am clinging on to this one feeling like I can't do it. I think I might lose it anyway as they are trying to be understanding but I don't know how they can help.

Sorry, having a tough day.

Hope you are feeling better soon. x

[Sunshine77]

Oh I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling too. Are you still able to work from home when you need to?

If they're trying to be understanding then that is something at least - shows that you're valued. I admire you very much for getting through it even when you're feeling so bad.

Take care :hugs:

[Col]

:grouphug:. I think sunshine your triggers are universal to us severe panic attack sufferers.

Mine are long ques
Busy places
The wind in my eyes -blurred vision -panic
Stripy black and white lines on tops etc makes me feel like I'm going to get a migraine as do reflections of sunlight
Nosey street areas
Annoying people who I can't relax around make me feel clostrophobic - visitors from hell namely
If I'm unwell - that's a trigger - health anxiety
Not being in control ie - if im the passenger in someone else's car......I need to drive
Being miles away from home - a huge biggy
Having to walk far incase I panic , basically I take my car everywhere
Snow - makes me clostrophobic
Medical centre GP surgery etc - very nervous always thinking if i go they will really find a problem.



Sorry to bore everyone - I'm just scared of life , I don't know what's happend ? I've said this before but although a cliche , I'm a shadow of who I was 2 years ago. Soo fed up, I naturally love life want to go traveling again or to the coast.... The closest i'll get to this is watching a travel or natur documentary on tv.
:weep:

[Annie0904]

Sunshine I can relate to this and I think will just leaving work, although we know it is better for us at the moment health wise it is still a big adjustment. I had my first ESA work group interview this morning and she asked for my qualifications. I was reeling them all off to her and then started to cry. I just though how the hell have I ended up in a job centre!! She was really lovely and said I just needed some time to get well and she isn't going to give me any work based activities as she is confident I am doing all I can to get back in work. We will get there Sunshine :hugs:

[KCam11]

Hang in there Sunshine. Change always causes me anxiety. Hopefully it'll calm down soon. We just have to take it one day at a time and tell ourselves, relapses and off days are ok! :)

[Col]

Annie ahh that's soo sad, I know I can relate, I had a child young and worked went to night school then did I foundation degree and Then got a 2:1 in biomedical science BSc with honours - prof Robert Winston gave me my degree. I was offered at the time a few PhDs,I wanted to work after all the struggle of study..... A proper job , so worked in NHS labs at the blood bank when I graduated.
I'm not bragging,a degree doesn't make you better , loads of people have got one - but I've worked tirelessly hard and in debt JUST to sit at home! Thank god my kids are small and need me, otherwise there would be no pointX

[Annie0904]

Aww Collette...we will all get there and be able to use our qualifications again I'm sure. In the meantime Col you are doing the most important job of all being a lovely Mum :) xx

[Col]

Thanks Annie, I'm feeling rubbish today, that's warmed my heart a little :hugs::hugs::hugs:
Sorry sunshine for moaning on your thread , one of those days - AGAIN X

[Sunshine77]

Ahh :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Col and Annie thank you so much as always for your empathy, Col you weren't moaning, and thanks for listing your triggers, it helps me to know (being still relatively new to this) that other people are freaked by the same things. Being far from home, hmmm that's an interesting one, the hubby and I are booked to go to Berlin for the weekend on 5th April. It was my Xmas present to him - he's always wanted to go and I studied there for a short while. I am quite scared at the thought of not being able to get home if I have a panic attack. Not going to think about it now though - a lot can change in 3 weeks.

I am sorry you're having a rotten day hun xx

Annie you made me go all teary again, funnily enough I have just been completing my ATOS questionnaire for the ESA and read it back to myself and thought "Who IS this person?!" and like you say I can't believe I'm on benefits. Even my GP told me this morning I was doing the right thing claiming them though even though I feel embarrassed. I am glad though that your experience this morning was ok. I'd be interested to know more about what happens at these groups?

You're right - we will all get there if we keep trudging along together.... xx

---------- Post added at 17:21 ---------- Previous post was at 17:20 ----------

PS just interrupted my posting to put some lip balm on having forgotten that I had been chopping chillies 5 minutes before.....owwwww...... I have a right old Trout Pout now :doh: :doh:

[Annie0904]

Sunshine I will pm you about the ATSO medical assessment when I have had dinner :D xx

[Pinktel]

Sunshine do you think your predominant problem is depression or anxiety? If you think you are purely dealing with a neuroses I think you must investigate proper CBT (such as the cbt4panic endorsed by this website).

I can see the logic why many gps want to inhibit the re uptake of seratonin but they seem to place all answers at the door of SSRIs. How do you KNOW you are low on seratonin, how do any of us know the levels of the neurotransmitters in our brains? Were any tests done to measure this or were you just sent on your way with a prescription and told to take brain altering chemicals for the rest of your life?

Did you know there are ways to boost your seratonin naturally? Exercise will give you seratonin plus dopamine - another powerful feelgood brain chemical. Having a cuddle with your hubby or kids will give you some oxytocin - a hormone even more powerful as a mood lifter. Even something as simple as a mixed meal of proteins and carbohydrates on one plate has been shown to boost levels of seratonin.

If what is of most concern to you is anxiety then you have a neurosis problem and the gold standard now of treatment for that is CBT (with or without meds), not the other way round ie. Meds (with or without CBT).

The most empowering thing you could be doing right now would be get yourself some cognitive therapy to tackle the mistaken way you are thinking and behavioural therapy to back up the new correct way you want your brain to be thinking. Whether or not that is with CBT4panic or through the no panic helpline or through your GP getting you something in your area (usually LONG waiting list on NHS), why not check out how other people are getting along with CBT on these message boards, don't just take my word for it, it is working for many others as we speak.

---------- Post added at 17:34 ---------- Previous post was at 17:28 ----------

sorry just re read and see you are having CBT - good for you, even so I would try and get the new free programme from Robin Hall on cbt4panic as you have nothing to lose, it should only complement your programme from the NHS (to be honest I found it wholly more comprehensive, better researched and abundantly more accessible to implement than the CBT programme I was involved with through my local health authority - but that could just be me! :D)

how are you finding the CBT - what have they got you thinking about?

[Sunshine77]

Thanks Pinktel. It's anxiety really, more than depression. I have suffered from pure depression in the past and have not felt like this before. No, I don't know that I'm low on seratonin but surely the fact that the Citalopram has helped (although not in a great place now I am undoubtedly better than I was at the time of my breakdown) means that it's the chemical I need? No tests have been done though. I am not hugely enthusiastic at the prospect of increasing the dose but I need to get back to the point where I can at least work and to be honest I am at my wits end and will try anything.

Exercise, yes, I'm getting a good walk most days. I've joined a gym that's due to open in my area some time this month (took advantage of the opening offer as wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise) and I swim with a friend weekly. My diet is good for the most part and I take vitamin supplements. I've cut out caffeine, I don't drink alcohol and I get lots of water. I have lots of cuddles too!

CBT, I had the first session last week via the NHS but this is only a half hour every fortnight. I am going to sign up for the CBT4PANIC as well. I know the benefits of it and have read other peoples' posts about it.

I do not know what else to do.

---------- Post added at 17:39 ---------- Previous post was at 17:36 ----------

Ah sorry, our posts crossed in the ether. The session I've had so far was more of an introduction, she ran through a load of questions about what led up to my breakdown and she did send me away with some "homework" about my thinking patterns which I've been working on this afternoon. I have an open mind about it so far.

I thought the CBT4panic program had a cost attached?

---------- Post added at 17:39 ---------- Previous post was at 17:39 ----------


Sunshine I will pm you about the ATSO medical assessment when I have had dinner xx

Thanks Annie xx

[Annie0904]

CBT4Panic is now free...there is a new link to it somewhere..I will find it and come back :)

---------- Post added at 18:03 ---------- Previous post was at 18:02 ----------

http://ct-online-info.com (http://ct-online-info.com/)

[Pinktel]

well done Annie for the link - yes CBT4panic now FREE - so get downloading!! you will find it infinitely more accessible then half an hour with a therapist once a fortnight. Truly it will be very empowering for you if you follow the system methodically.

And you will never really know if its the Citalopram helping - you don't know how you would have been had you NOT taken it? How do you know for sure that you wouldn't have begun to feel a little better anyway?

Here's the other thing GPs don't tell you about taking a seratonin boosting chemical (ie. something to block it's re uptake into the nerve cells) - sometimes it stops working. the medical community don't fully understand why, research is currently ongoing - there is a name for it tachyphylaxis, (may have spelt that wrong :blush:) but there is a growing idea that the body/brain can begin to fight back and resist the chemical.

Doesn't sound like you've been on them long enough for that to be the case with you but if you are thinking that this time round you are suffering purely with anxiety, then there is a whole world of stuff for you to be trying before you need to start upping all your meds.

Read some of my threads - I have been in bad places. I have always been to anxious to take meds despite my family and GP trying many times to persuade me. I am not going to say DONT take meds but you've GOT to give yourself the coping skills cognitively and behaviourally to manage your symptoms. You can dampen down your nervous system as much as you want but until you learn new ways of thinking how are you actually solving the problem?

Sounds to me like you have the right attitude and open mind to give the CBT a shot and that is why you will succeed :D

[Pinktel]

and something else to bear in mind is the countless studies increasing over the years documenting that treatment for neuroses with SSRIs is no better than placebo. A quick search on the internet will deliver many articles to back this up.

SSRIs more than deserve their place with moderate to severe depression but a little bit of research will show the psychiatric community have for a long time questioned their relevance for mild depression and neuroses versus the placebo sugar pill.

You will never know for certain if your mood is being controlled by the uptake inhibitors - just as I will never know if my mood would be different from how it is now if I began taking them. But by CBT and your own actions you WILL know whether what you are doing is helping, you are in direct control of this and can see the results as you work with yourself.

[Sunshine77]

Thanks Annie for the link and Pinktel for your advice. I've downloaded all the stuff and will start on it this afternoon.

Hope you all have a good day xx