View Full Version : I just wish I didn't get upset so easily....
So... We're driving to a memorial service today & I'm directing my partner into a big city. We've got plenty of time in hand but she's edgy in case we're late. I've looked at the map & know exactly where we're going but we get to a big junction & it doesn't look anything like the map. Under pressure I send us the wrong way.
My partner's now saying we're going in the wrong direction & can't get off this road....... When anything like this happens her tone is harsh & I find hard to deal with. It upsets me as I feel they're supposed to be my best buddy & I'd never take this tone with them. I'm more likely to make light of it.
Course I go into flustered mode, which leads to "oh no I'm going to cry mode", as usual I tried not to cry & wanted to be calm & work out which way to go.
So there I am, trying to read this stupid map, eyes full of tears which make that impossible. All I want to do is hide & cry my eyes out. By this time my partner's noticed I'm upset; They're telling me it doesn't matter but I'm thinking "I've messed up; we're going to be late; we'll let our friend down all because of me".
I did regain my composure long enough to get us there. My partner's like "it's ok we got here" but I'm thinking "yeah that's maybe but it upsets me when you are angry like that". I know it would have been better to say that to her but I find that difficult as I hate hurting people's feelings, regardless of how they treat me. I know if I don't face it & start to speak out this will keep happening. But being assertive is so hard.
We're then sitting in the memorial service, of course they mention death & sad stuff so I'm crying again. This time I know it's ok to do that but I felt a bit like a bit of a fraud as I didn't know if I was really upset about the person I was there (it was our friends husband) or if it was more to do with what happened.
I just wish I was better able to cope if my partner gets angry. When anyone gets angry it triggers my emotions & I know it's because I've had to contend with alot of anger & bullying in my past. I just wish I didn't react like this. It's happened twice in the last week & each time I've told myself I won't gt upset, but then I do.
On a happier note we spoke with our friend afterwards & she was really grateful for us coming, it felt lovely to have done that for her. We had driven a long way to get there & have had an enjoyable weekend away at the same time, making the most of the long journey.
Aww Tessar you need lots of hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:I am just the same when I think people sound angry. My husband does it sometimes and I feel like he is raising his voice and I get upset and ask why he is shouting and then he doesn't think he is and apologises. It is because we have gone through so much rubbish in the past that we can't handle it any more. Actually my therapy discussed assertiveness with me today and I have some homework to do on it. I am sure your partner will have been more frustrated that you were on the wrong road and worried about maybe being late and maybe made it sound more like it was targeted to you (because that's what my hubby does and then says he isn't mad at me but I still think he is..What are we like? :D
That's lovely that you got to speak with your friend after and I am sure she will really appreciate you going. I am pleased you had a good weekend away. :hugs:
Sunshine77
13-03-13, 09:42
Oh Tessar I identify with you so much!!! And sending you lots of :bighug1: :bighug1:
I always cry when my husband raises his voice, like Annie says, he doesn't even realise he's doing it. A couple of weeks ago I told him he scares me a bit when he gets angry, I said it as a passing comment but it really upset him. I am glad I told him though as I think he's more aware now of when he's taking his annoyance out on me. Maybe now that the heat of the situation has passed you could tell your partner how much it upsets you when you feel she's mad at you?
Oh we are such sensitive souls! I also feel like I cry for the wrong reasons, I can go through major stressful and upsetting events without crying and then someone will be a bit sharp with me and I cry like my heart's breaking. I've always been like this. But I think I let out all the stored up tears that way and so I'm still crying for the big things too.
Hope today is a better day Tessar and I'm glad you've had a good break all in all xxx
Thank you both for the hugs, the help alot. Maybe that's it... she doesnt realise the affect her strong words & tone are having on me. I'd like to think it wasnt directed at me yesterday but it was. I can contend with it the first time she says something but if it goes on I just reach a point where something inside me gives out. I cant help the tears. I dont want to be like that. I know I need to stand up for myself but then I worry we'll have a row. In all ours years together we havent done that & I'd hate it if we did. The trouble is she does act like everything is ok afterwards & I believe it is for her. I know for alot of people something like that happens but once it's over, that's it. Done & dusted.
Anyway I did mention it when we were driving back yesterday & just now I mentioned it again. She said the same thing each time: She wasnt angry with me & I did well as I directed us to the cemetary. It does bother her alot when I get upset but she keeps doing it. I wouldnt dream of raising my voice to her. I sort of chicken out when I mention stuff, like if you suggested sunshine I'd said to tell her "how much it upsets you when you feel she's mad at you?". I know those words would have been good but I felt like I cant tell her I felt she was mad at me or it would upset her to know that's how I felt.
I'm such a dodo. My counsellor gets frustrated with me as before ever open my mouth to anyone I always think how they'll react or how they'll feel about what I say. I'm way too cautious for my own good but changing is very hard. I feel caught as I really want to change but I keep on repeating the same behaviour. Actually I dont know why but this sort of thing always happens when I am feeling at a low. Maybe sometimes it happens when I'm stronger but I dont notice because maybe I do deal with it.
Do you think sensitive people somehow give off vibes that invite an attack of words? When I used to get bullied people always seemed to sense when to have a go. So then I'd be powerless to strike back.
We've been together a very long time & differ in that she doesnt show much emotion & prefers to be in control. I am submissive & the more she takes over the less inclined I am to get off my backside & do stuff. Of course this isnt great for our relationship as I probably appear lazy at times. But its like I just cant be bothered. I have broached the subject but she seems to get a bit off then rather than deal with it like adults.
It is quite hard to talk to her as she gets uneasy if I mention stuff. It would be nice if we could be more (dare I say) lovey dovey. Aww that sounds bad as she is very caring towards me. I think she finds it very difficult if I am upset as she doesnt know what to do to make it better.
This will sound terrible but sometimes she speaks to me just like my mother used to. My mother used to upset me alot, she still does actually. Because of this I feel I am often misreading what's going on between us. When my partner says stuff to me, even simple things, I take it in the wrong way. I guess at the moment because mother's day has just passed I do feel rather emotional (understatement of the year).
Particularly because my relationship with my mother has been a huge disappointment in my life. I always hoped for more & worked really hard for decades hoping one day she would change. I now realise that is never going to happen & I'm find that difficult to deal with.
I think perhaps I am confusing the two; such that my mother never seemed to be there for me when I needed her & I always dreamed of her coming to my rescue. So if my partner reminds me of my mother & gets angry, I'm reacting just like I did when I was growing up. I know I dont need to do that & feel a real mixture of sadness & anger when it happens. I need to find the middle ground I suppose. What concerns me is that the love I didnt find with my mother, I had hoped my partner would provide some of that. In many respects she does but this whole thing about her getting angry goes against the grain for me. Maybe she just cant see the anger even when its blatantly obvious to me.
What I wont do is hide when I am upset. I've spent my life hiding my emotions & cant do that anymore. I feel ridiculously emotional at the moment. It does remind me of the first time I suffered depression when sometimes I just felt like I was never going to stop crying. Also I guess I have to remember we did go to a memorial service yeseterday for our friends husband & it was emotional to be there. I dunno..... we sensitive soles must keep the kleenex company in business eh?
Do you now Tessar I think you hit the nail on the head when you said about it bothering you more when you feel low. My hubby and I rarely argue but the odd times I have got most upset about things is when I have been ill or feeling down and then it seems to be magnified. Other times I can let it go over the top of my head. I often take things the wrong way to and feel like he is having a go at me when he isn't but I think because o what I went through with my ex, I am more on the defensive all the time.
I was reading recently about transferance. there are explanations i found as follows which make a lot of sense...
"the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person's childhood."
"the redirection of feelings & desires & especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object."
"a reproduction of emotions relating to repressed experiences, especially of childhood & the substitution of another person ... for the original object of the repressed impulses."
It does fit the bill.... as I've noticed at times I feel with my partner just how I did with my mother, father & indeed people who have bullied me in the past. I feel like I am on alert all the time even with people I trust sometimes. I wonder if it's clouding my judgement when it comes to my partner.
Anyway, I was good & have just been to my partner for hugs & let some tears out even if I couldnt explain what they were all about. :weep:
She has been very kind today & I can tell she's sort of trying to make it up. I have to be adult about it & let her close to me otherwise I will end up making it worse.
Tessar, I've read quite a lot about the concept of "not taking things personally", eg just because someone is angry, it doesn't me they are angry at you. I'm probably the one whose guilty losing my rag in my house. Often it's out of frustration (often at myself) but other think it's directed at them. I know I need to take responsibility for this and it's something I work on but from the other side of the coin, I have also been able to an extent to learn to judge whether I am actually the cause of someone else's anger or whatever. It's something based on CBT, basically. I'm sure I have a book that has a very good chapter on this, I'll try to dig it out later.
What you say about transference is very interesting. I think I need to have a look at that. Glad you seem to be feeling a bit better and I'll let you know what the book is once I track it down.
Thanks jane I look forward to seeing that.
Sunshine77
13-03-13, 22:09
Hi Tessar, I've done quite a lot of work over the last few years around how I let my childhood affect my relationships as an adult. I read a great book - "Adult Children - Secrets of Dysfunctional Families" by John and Linda Friel - which really helped me with this. It's on Amazon for 9p at the moment!!
My ex, who I was with for a number of years, was my mother in a male guise. He could be controlling and critical, and although his heart was in the right place, he was the adult to my child (exacerbated by the fact that I was drinking alcoholically during our relationship). He could also be very angry and aggressive and we rowed often - the only way I knew how to have a relationship was from the frame of reference I grew up with i.e. completely dysfunctional! I didn't have the emotional tools to make the changes to our relationship back then but when I got sober and wanted a more adult-adult relationship, he couldn't handle it and the relationship ended.
My husband is the polar opposite of him and of my mother. However, on the rare occasions that he raises his voice to me or gets angry, I crumble and I can feel the old emotions attached to the ex and the mother - pure transferrence. The logical part of me knows that he's nothing like them but my learnt behaviour is that of the child criticised by her mother and terrified of conflict.
My hubby is the same personality type as your partner i think - quite thick skinned, self confident, bounces back quickly, doesn't let anything get him down... its one of the things that first drew me to him and we're a good balance for each other, but it's hard sometimes because he doesn't feel things the way I do. Sometimes I'll hear him whistling 10 minutes after we've had a row and I'll wonder how he can be that way! We don't argue often but when we do it can stay with me for days. He's not a big one for analysing things and talking them through either.
I don't know if any of that makes sense Tessar but I am glad that you brought the subject up with your partner - you say you're caught in the same behaviour but by bringing it up you have done something new and challenged her in the way that the child Tessar wouldn't have challenged her mother.
And finally - I am not sure if when we're down we invite more bullying behaviour. It could be that we're just so hypersensitive to it when we're low? So we interpret things differently? Or sometimes I wonder with my husband whether I irritate him when I am very low and wobbly and whether this is what makes him more angry than he would otherwise be? Or - is it that the other person wishes they could "fix" us and get angry with themselves and us when they realise they can't? I really don't know - I'm literally thinking aloud here.
Take care hun :hugs:
Tessar, I can't find the specific book I was thinking of but there's another I think you might find worth looking at. It's called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D Burns. It was recommended to me by someone on here and I thought it was excellent. It is CBT based. I got it from Amazon and I'm sure I didn't pay very much for it.
Hi Jane thanks for the tip. i just took a quick look at that book online & have to say it forms the basis of the therapy & CBT I did. Obviously I havent read the whole thing but what I have looked at all makes total sense. I think I need to go back to basics as it were. I know I feel rather 'clouded' at the moment & its making it quite hard to spot negative stuff & do something about it. At least I am mindful that something is going on that i can do something about. Typicall as well I think I am being too hard on myself as well.
Sunshine: I went to have a look at the book you suggest; I havent been able to preview much of it but from the bit I was able to read it also looks really interesting. I think what I'm going to do is download both books electronically & then I can bring them with me to work & read in my lunchtime. That would be really helpful for me I feel as I need to work on all this stuff.
What you both say makes alot of sense & is very helpful. I've worked on so much stuff with my counsellor lately & progressed really well but the same thing is happening to me now that happened when I got towards the end of my therapy & CBT. That I sort of know something in my relationship isnt right but I still want the relationship with my partner (we've been together 17 years so I'm not about to throw that away) but somewhere deep inside I know I cant go on as I am. I cant work out if I am the problem or she is or if its just the way we are interacting together.
I felt very tearful yesterday afternoon & did go to talk to her; she was very kind to me, we had hugs. There's a bit of me that wishes somehow she just knew what to do to make me feel better (a bit like if I went to the mother of my dreams that she would just know how to make me feel safe). But my partner came from a family where they had equally as many problems as my family (albeit different ones). She got hurt many times & it wasnt til she met me that she trusted anyone again. I always used to think she was the strong one because she was reliable & organised. I know that was always something I admired in her. If I get upset she's definitely not sure how to help me... I've told her she doesnt have to make me better (that's why I'm seeing a counsellor). Moreso her support is what I need & I do get that.
Hopefully the books are going to help me & I see my counsellor on Monday so all this is going to be something I want to discuss as its very relevant to what's holding me back in life.
Something else I realise is that if I strike out & start to do a few things for myself, such as i'd like to start volunteering somewhere as I do have some skills I could put to good use outside work. But when I mention this, my partner gets defensive & it makes me feel as if I am abandoning her. Which I know I'm not but I still feel that way. She's not very good at socialising, in fact she told me when we went to the memorial service a couple of days ago that I'm much better at mingling. That's only becuase I make myself do it as otherwise i'd sit there like a quivering wreck & getting stuck in is far preferable.
anyway thank you for your input as its very helpful to me.
Finally .... I'm 50 this year & you really would think by now I'd have figured all this crap out. It was 7 yrs ago when I finished therapy & I'm going round in circles again. For a while it was ok but my (abusive)brother dying last year kicked it all off for me. Much of the time i feel about 5 years old in terms of my reactions to people & I know this is important to recognise.
Sunshine77
15-03-13, 09:00
That's only becuase I make myself do it as otherwise i'd sit there like a quivering wreck & getting stuck in is far preferable.
Great attitude!! :D
Glad to have helped a bit and it sounds as if you have a really strong relationship where nothing major needs changing! Take care xx
Tessar, deaths can open a whole can of worms, and not necessarily in the obvious way. I had a very difficult relationship with my father - or basically none. He was a cold, angry and distant man, who with hindsight had mental health probs of his own. I won't bore you with the details but his death had a major negative impact on me. I vividly remember the CBT session where I came up with the "hot thought" that if my dad didn't love me how could anyone else. I'm not "fixed" but have gained some vey helpful insights over the years which help.
Yes it's a pain that we have to keep working at this stuff but, as you say, the alternative isn't great, so keep at it. I saw your menopause thread and I'm going through that too so I know it doesn't help. Hang in there, make the most of your session with your counsellor and I'd seriously recommend revisiting CBT in some way x
Jane, you are really right about deaths opening up a whole can of worms. That "hot thought" about "if my dad didn't love me how could anyone else" is very powerful & I relate to it strongly. I really struggle with love, its a word I have used rarely in my life. I think I held off saying it to anyone for the same reasons. It was only last year I realised my parents dont love me & never will (or certainly will never express their love for me). As my counsellor pointed out, they may not be capable of love & they are the same where my brothers are concerned.
I am busy trying to resolve (for myself) any differences I have with my mother. She's suffering dementia & sooner or later it wont be possible to converse properly with her. Most of the work I'm doing in my mind & with my counsellor. I dont want to have issues hanging around when my mother dies; I want to be able to feel the good things we did share when I was little. I think that would make her passing easier.
I will keep at it & hang in there & I will make the most of your session with your counsellor. The whole CBT thing is definitely the way forward. Reminding myself of how it works. We poor women of menopause eh? Its nice to be included in something but I dont think any of use would join that club out of choice!! I am realising actually that some of my tearful moods are down to hormones but in some ways the tears are helping. Like I am crying for the things I have kept hidden inside me all my life. The more I open them up & let them free, the more worthwhile I am feeling. Thanks again.
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Thank you sushine, I do have a strong relationship & although I'm aware of that, sometimes its nice to hear someone say it :-)
It was only last year I realised my parents dont love me & never will (or certainly will never express their love for me). As my counsellor pointed out, they may not be capable of love & they are the same where my brothers are concerned.
This is a big thing Tessar. Rationally, as an an adult I can (sometimes) think that my dad did love me, but just couldn't express it. As a child, I don't think you are able to make the distinction. I think in childhood we just make the assumption that the problem is a deficiency within us - we are unlovable - and it is very difficult to shake this deep-rooted conclusion, even with the benefit of hindsight.
It is great that you are taking the advantage of the opportunity to speak to your mum. I had some revealing conversations with mine after my dad died. So much went on when I was growing up that I didn't know about. I know my mum was trying to protect me but I wish she'd involved me more so that I could have understood things.
Thankyou for starting this thread. It has been good for me to think about these things again and about how they are impacting on my life at the moment and how the use of CBT can help me.
Onwards and upwards, and menopause be damned x
What you say Jane about feeling we are unlovable that is so true. I hadn't realised I'd let the situation with my parents govern other relationships of mine too. Almost like I couldn't feel the love in them because it had to come from my parents first. You are right about it being very difficult to shake this deep-rooted conclusion. What I try to remind myself of now is that just because they can't (or won't) show it, doesnt mean I can't explore it elsewhere & hopefully discover its all around me if only I knew where to look.
I do what I can to get through to my mother, she was far more forthcoming until the last two or three years, that's when my older brother went back to live with them. All the old ways of behaving, the hierarchy returned. This is what brought me to realise about the lack of love in our family.
One of my brothers (i had 4) has filled in many of the gaps about the past for me. I had suspicions about what went on & he has confirmed much of it. There's more to tell I know & there are things I found out that my father did to him which I don't think he is aware of. I haven't told him as I think he'd be very upset. I am not willing to rock his boat as it were since he has worked hard to get where he is.
I also wish my mother had involved me more too, so that I could have understood things but I guess they do what they do for a reason. But I grew up being suspicious of her motives, I could sense she was holding back. It makes trusting people hard.
I'm glad i started the thread & it's been interesting reading what everyone has to say. Like you, I find it good to think about these things. i have tried talking to my partner about it but she loses interest after a while. i think thats one way in which we differ. she is able to switch off to stuff whereas for me, the thoughts go on and on.
as i learned in therapy, one way to stop my repetitive thoughts is to resolve the issue. having an outlet for my thoughts and people like you to bounce things off is helping me do that.
As you say... Onwards and upwards, and menopause be damned
We have some progress in one area & another identified for some extra work..... it's a week since I had an emotional blip. Not that I'm deliberately containing my emotions, more that things I'm doing have kept me on a more even keel.
A week ago, I had a heart to heart with my partner as it still bothered me how she bellowed at me in the car. I explained why raised voices upset me & that I'm trying to cope with my reaction. I hope she understands now why it's an issue & whilst she can forget about stuff in an instant, for me it lingers & I find it hard to shake it off when something upsets me. Like I have to let the tears & feelings of sadness run their course before I can offload it from my mind.
This weekend we were away again & it meant me driving (I like as driving but its a potential area she'll be critical over or maybe if we get lost, it'll end in tears for me). I could tell she was making a huge effort to be thoughtful & not do or say anything that might upset me. I also did my best not to be over sensitive as well since (these things work both ways). This worked; we got on well all weekend; no blips. I made sure I got involved in what we were up to & was part of deciding what to do etc. I did remark to her that I appreciated her efforts.
I spent time observing our different personalities; She likes to be very tidy & organise (like in our hotel room, unpacking, sorting etc, whereas I'm far more laid back & prefer to sort of blob when we get there, relax a bit, take it all in). Rather than feel guilty for not doing anything, I felt if she likes doing that, why not let her do it? I reminded myself it doesnt mean I'm being lazy. I was ok about this til we got home.
Sometimes I feel guilty & worry I'm too laid back & dont do enough compared to my partner. She gets on with stuff whereas I like doing things at my own pace. Sometimes I forget, I dont mean to, thats just the way I am. The difference in personality comes out here. She'll end up doing stuff instead of leaving me to do it (even tho I've said to leave it to me). I've said loads of times I'll get round to it but my partner gets irritated (even though she knows I have a much higher tolerance to this & will get round to it, just not straight away).
I know I react in a child-like fashion & it's immature so I dont share my reaction with my partner as I feel I cant be bothered to do it if I get chased by her; I end up resenting her & feel I do things out of sufferance rather than choice. I know it isnt a very adult way to think but its how I feel.
I find myself thinking "I was fine when I lived on my own, I got stuff done". We've lived together a very long time. This then manifests itself as "I cant be bothered to do anything". My lethargy then extends into things I actually enjoy. I just feel lazy & resentful.
You'd think I am a child the way I am over this but I have told my partner loads of times I worry I dont do enough. She says I do my share, its not a problem. You'd think that I would accept that. But no, I keep on procrastinating. Bad I know. I start thinking I'll get criticised for doing nothing but also I dont want to get in her way as that winds her up too.
Anyway, when we came home I felt knackered but did get on with unpacking & putting things away, I wanted to do my bit but lost concentrating & got distracted so didnt finish what I was doing. Later I could feel my partners frustration with me but wished she'd just lay off me & be patient. At this point I felt tearful. Mostly as I was tired, I just wanted to relax before finishing what I was doing. I know it would have been better to explain how I felt but I find that difficult to do..... or is it that I'm just being lazy, I dont know.
I guess this is the next thing I need to work on with her. Sometimes I feel I get treated like a child so I feel angry. Of course in me, anger often turns to tears, especially if I'm tired. This time I didnt cry or get upset, it was just a little twinge in the back of my brain which I acknowledged. I did genuinely feel tired. Everything got put away but she had to "have her say".
So, yes I think there is more work to be done here. It just felt like I needed to share this one with you in case you can give me any reflections on it that might be helpful. It isnt a big problem really, moreso it's my old ways catching up with me as usual but it just seems like such an effort to confront these things.... but I know if I dont, I'm going to carry on feeling unhappy.....
Oh, there is another aspect to this that i havent mentioned... it makes me feel bad for 'talking' about all this stuff as if somehow i'm being unfaithful, as if its wrong to express myself in this way to other people.... i know that's not the case but also when I was growing up, apart from believing I'd never find anyone to 'be with' that I always worried that if I did find someone I liked, my feelings for them would never last.... & of course when this sort of thing manifests itself in our relationship, it feels like my worries are going to come true. again i know that's not the case but i cant help feeling like it.
Tessar, try not to feel guilty. It often helps to write your thoughts down to help you figure out what's going on and why. You just happen to be writing them here and nobody knows your partner, so I think it's fine. I was seing a mental health nurse recently, largely because I find it difficult to cope with the person my husband has become due to having MS ( I presume). I didn't feel guilty about talking to her, in fact it was very helpful. I have good friends but it's good to vent to someone who is a complete "outsider".
One of the problems we have is he puts meaning into things I say or do that were never intended. If your partner tells you she is happy that you do your share, please try to work on accepting that rather than attach things to it when they might not be how she feels at all (if that makes sense) x
Hello Jane and thank you for your post; it makes sense what you say. When I have my rational head on, none of this is a problem. I think I'm going through a phase at the moment where it's more of an issue, probably an aside to sorting stuff out in counselling (I'm probably thinking too much about it!). I've never been very good at
accepting what people say, I find myself questioning it instead of just accepting it. It doesnt matter if it's things like this, or praise. I feel that what they say is true (for a few moments) but then my unhealthy 'old self' (that I am trying to shut down & replace with a new 'more balanced self') chips in.
I wish I could be more like my partner; she can let things go with relative ease. I see my counsellor because I cant let things go even though I know that would be best. I'd never expect my partner to be a counsellor to me (or replacement mother etc etc) but I wish sometimes she seemed more interested shall we say in my "thoughtful, reflective side" & enter into more meaningful conversations about stuff like that. But that's just it. it isnt in her nature so I cant expect it. I guess that is why I find myself here because there are lots of likeminded people who can help me reflect.
I know in one counselling session I felt like I was rambling on about nothing & had digressed but even my counsellor said I was just working it all out & happening to say it as I went through that process.
Theres also i think an element of pmt here too; I feel very edgy today & like I could eat for england.... I dunno..... what are we like? If this was someone else posting I'd see the picture clearly & be able to advise them... but here I am confusing my poor little brain eh?
Sometimes I think that I look for problems in things without realising it... even though I know this perpetuates feelings of depression (which of course I am very familiar with). Changing & freeing myself of all this stuff would actually feel rather odd so I guess I'm less inclined to do that even if its for the best.
I'm really sorry about your husband, it must be difficult for you as he has changed because of his illness. I have known people whose personalities have altered through illness & its really not easy to contend with especially if you had a special relationship with them.
Arrgggh the things life throws at us? Anyway I am going to take on board what you said & thank you again.
Well, lately I haven't been getting upset by things generally. I'm sure this is because of discussing things with people on NMP, & talking to my counsellor as well. I am working on all of this. Any time I feel that something is going to upset me, I take a step back and try to look at it from a less biased point of view. It seems to be working. Also I have been discussing how I feel with my partner and inviting her to talk to me as well.
Oh cr@p, it happened again. My partner raised her voice to me (I mean really properly this time) & of course I felt instantly tearful. I've worked hard at not reacting instantly but this time it was just like someone had flicked a switch.
I know it doesn't help I was feeling emotional the last day as I saw my counsellor yesterday & it stirred up some memories to do with being bullied, so yeah I was feeling sensitive.
I just feel like any time we "have words", rather than being assertive & able to think, my mind just goes into an emotional jelly. I have always been like that. How easily triggered I am does depend on how I'm feeling generally.
But this really took me by surprise. I know sometimes my partner gets frustrated with me & sometimes being depressed does mean I don't really attack things with much gusto. But I feel disappointed tonight as I had got my emotions back under control this afternoon and then this happens.
Oh I don't know. I does worry me though as we have never had a row & if we did I really don't know if I would cope afterwards. There has been too much conflict in my life which also contributes to me backing down alot.
Maybe sometimes I am a bit lazy... But I like to do things at my own pace & not be at someone's beck & call. Perhaps I am just being childish. To make matters worse, my partner then felt really guilty because I cried but i dont like doing it because it makes having a rational discussion harder, we did manage to talk though. It really sucks when things like this happen.
I think these sort of things happen in every relationship Tessar as we all have different ways of doing things and some of us are just more sensitive than others. You did manage to talk through so that is good :) After such an emotional time with your therapist today you were bound to react in a sensitive way tonight. Don't feel bad about yourself for this..you did well :hugs:
Tessar
The feelings you have explained made me feel really emotional because its exactly the way I feel most of the time. I feel that I am submissive and im comfortable with that....most of the time. My boyfriend and I never really row when we do its quite explosive because I usually back down on most things which I hate because it think I should be more assertive so it builds up and when we row I totally explode! I get upset if he gets annoyed for example hes a sod to drive with....beeping at people and making gestures if he thinks they are in the wrong....so much so I don't get a lift to work with him anymore because it would send me off balance if he gets annoyed with someone. I really do think im a bit over sensitive and should just chill out because I really don't like any sort of confrontation even if it does not involve me it still stresses me out. Im glad you wrote what you wrote, I don't feel so silly. Maybe I should have training on how to be assertive, that would be good.
Hope you feel better soon xxxxxx
It transpired over the weekend that part of my getting upset so easily & not being able to bring it under control was that my hormones were messing me about. I'm not due but it seems my body has other ideas. I really did wonder quite why I felt so bad. I still did believe & feel all the things that went on & even if I hadnt been having a blue day thought hormones I still wouldnt have like the way my partner spoke to me.
We have talked about it severl times. She has apologised several times & does feel bad that it upset me. I dont understand why she gets so angry (her hormones are bad too) & also as this has happened so many times over the years, I would prefer that she were more aware of it really as it chips away at my well being.
At least we have discussed it.... I have also explained to her things I do like about her & I'm hoping that I can continue to make her feel less miserable & angry at times. But I know I dont have to accept it as part of her make-up. If it continues to make me upset then she will have to find ways of addressing it for both our benefit.
Hello everyone. I wanted to update you insomuch that having worked very hard at being assertive, and particularly being assertive with my partner, I am reaping the benefits of that with her.
We are on holiday at the moment, we nearly had a "flare up" while we were packing on Friday. But since I have been more open with my partner and explained how raised voices make me feel bad (even if know they aren't directed at me, they still sting) well, she has made more effort to be aware of when she is digging her teeth into me like a dog with a bone. I struggle to cope when people do this to me. But now she is aware of how it feels, even she spots how she seems to be going over the top with anger.
The benefits are that she stops short of getting as angry, for my part I make the effort to recognise how hard she is trying, we talk when I happens. I try not to get upset (I don't try to control tears, moreso if I feel I can't help crying, then I will. I won't hold it in anymore....but it helps me too if I don't let it escalate to the point of tears).
As a result, it gets nipped in the bud. I don't get upset as often, if at all and my partner is gaining a greater understanding of how this affects me. It's great and long may it last.
Makes me see it IS worth chancing your arm sometimes and doing something that makes to you feel uncomfortable at first. There are benefits to be had!
hey folks, i managed to stand up for myself and not get upset this weekend. my partner was feeling very hot and bothered and i just wasnt in the mood for it myself as i too felt pretty hot & bothered. anyway; i stood my ground, quite reasonably so. She was frustrated as she didnt know what to do next so I made some suggestions. None of them seemed to fit her idea of fun. So I left her with it. Then she did pick one to do. My counsellor suggested to me that its my partners responsibility sometimes to decide what she wants to be doing, or if i'm busy for an evening out for instance, that its her place to decide what she wants to do.
during the evening she was understandably tired (we'd been out in the garden). she did get really grumpy at one point so I managed to make light of the situation. she did chill after that and realised she had been unreasonable.
it felt like progress on my part that i didnt get upset. i dont like having to stand my ground as it feels uncomfortable but i need to otherwise people walk all over me. so i am discovering now you can do that without upsetting people. one day i hope that being assertive will become second nature. for sure the more i work at it, the more likely it is to happen.
Well done Tessar for standing your ground, this is a weakness I have I let people walk all over me because I don't stand up for myself, my husband knows this is my weakness and really plays on it. Which can be very upsetting. :hugs:
i was talking to my counsellor this morning about how i still get upset when people are short with me, or angry or raise their voice a little. It could be anyone doing that. I just dont seem to be able to stop my reaction. She explained to me that as a child I needed to by hypervigilant so that I remained safe. of course these days I still find that automatic reaction being triggered. I'm not in any danger but my emotions still kick in. Even if it's a situation I manage to deal with assertively, the emotions remain. She said what I can do is imagine that 5-year old me is there. I can comfort my little self, be kind to myself. To acknowledge that the situation made me feel emotions & threatened but there was no threat in reality. Also that once I have comforted myself & calmed myself, I am free to go about whatever it is I was doing when things kicked off. I'm going to give this a go. It seems like a good idea, I will do my best but the idea of comforting myself is really hard as the emotions are quite overwhelming. But the more I do it, hopefully the feelings will be of comfort & not make me feel worse.
What I am learning is that the emotions are triggered for a reason. I need to address those emotions, not tell myself I'm silly or daft or stupid, because I am not. No adult or parent in their right mind would tell a small child that they are stupid for feeling threatened. Instead they'd reason with them about what happened, calm them & then help them back into something more productive. Well I hope that's going to be me from now on. Might need my tissues to accomplish this but hopefully it's going to be a way forward.
Oh an update as well - things are going better with my partner. she hasnt got stroppy now for a while. in fact one day she almost did but i could tell she was aware of where it was going & made a real effort to stop herself getting too mad. I really appreciate that.
---------- Post added at 14:12 ---------- Previous post was at 14:04 ----------
She explained to me that as a child I needed to by hypervigilant so that I remained safe. of course these days I still find that automatic reaction being triggered. I'm not in any danger but my emotions still kick in. Even if it's a situation I manage to deal with assertively, the emotions remain.
She said what I can do is imagine that 5-year old me is there. I can comfort my little self, be kind to myself. To acknowledge that the situation made me feel emotions & threatened but there was no threat in reality. Also that once I have comforted myself & calmed myself, I am free to go about whatever it is I was doing when things kicked off. I'm going to give this a go. It seems like a good idea.
I will do my best but the idea of comforting myself is really hard as the emotions are quite overwhelming. But the more I do it, hopefully the feelings will be of comfort & not make me feel worse.
What I am learning is that the emotions are triggered for a reason. I need to address those emotions, not tell myself I'm silly or daft or stupid, because I am not. No adult or parent in their right mind would tell a small child that they are stupid for feeling threatened. Instead they'd reason with them about what happened, calm them & then help them back into something more productive. Well I hope that's going to be me from now on. Might need my tissues to accomplish this but hopefully it's going to be a way forward.
Something else i learned from this is that my colleague just got on with it afterwards. she didnt bear a grudge. This remained with me for a few days whereas it was done & dusted with her. That's where I would like to be with stuff like this. To move on more quickly. I suppose by trying to avoid the emotions or block them from rising, I was just filling the emotional pressure bubble in my head & body. I guess if I let it out, then that is going to help long-term.
It really is worth seeing my counsellor still because I am making realisations all the time. I am determined to deal with the remaining left over habits developed in my childhood as a survival method. I know these behaviours are no longer appropriate. Like trying to be a rescuer to everyone. Forever getting myself into bother as I try to make someone else better. I need to learn to leave things alone sometimes. that doesnt mean not being kind, it means picking & choosing when to help & who to help a little more carefully & realise I dont have to get involved with every situation going on around me (particularly not with people who arent very receptive towards help & might see it as interference....!).
So maybe I need to re read some of the advice I have been given coz my partner seems to be niggling at me. Got home from work yesterday after a stressful week, really hoping to relax but then having mentioned how tired I feel (hoping maybe for a little sympathy & perhaps a nice soothing conversation) my partner seems ... Well... Sort of prickly.
This makes me feel uncared for, like what I have said hasn't been heard. So I lie on the bed for a few minutes to relax. I know that if I relax a bit it will help. I tried to get my partner to join me but they are focused in cooking our evening meal. I can appreciate that does need her attention but a few moments wouldn't have hurt, might have improved her mood too & we could have enjoyed some togetherness.
As the evening progressed I could feel it building. Any time I am very tired (particularly emotionally) I often do get upset. She knows this so I couldn't Nederland why she seemed to be pushing all my buttons. So later in the evening the inevitable happens & I get upset.
It's so disappointing when this happens because I am sure if she'd been able to red my signals that I just needed a bit of warmth & comfort, I would have felt so much better. If the boot was on the other foot I would certainly have noticed if my partner needed comfort.
I am not ungrateful because she works hard. At work and at home. I wonder if my tiredness and resultant lethargy is seen as laziness.... That she soldiers on regardless and I am expected to do so as well.
I have lost count of the times i have explained that when I am very tired I am also very emotional. The number if times this kind if stiffness in her manner just makes it worse. Maybe she knows I am going to get upset and doesn't know what to do to help me. I have tried explaining how to help me.
Oh well. I could go round & round in circles about this and get nowhere. This morning I feel knackered and yes tearful. I want to just get on with it and not feel like this so that's what I am going to do. I won't be too hard on myself as there is no point. It won't help. Hopefully if I try being tender with my partner it will help her chill. I did try establishing if she was ok and I was told she was although its been a long hard week. Onwards and upwards as they say. I don't want to wallow so hopefully if I get on with my day things will improve,
Tessar, you are like me, a sensitive person who is very receptive to the needs of others. Not everyone is quite as receptive and they don't always know how to respond. My hubby is quite good but sometimes I have to say to him is "What I really need right now is a hug" He will then stop whatever he is doing and take time to hug me, but I have to draw his attention to my needs, they do not always come automatically to him.
As it is more automatic with you and I, it can be a bit upsetting when our partners do not recognise our needs. I know you have told your partner how upset you get when you are tired but maybe it just doesn't sink in and you need to be more specific..."We have both had a hectic week can we just have some time for a hug before we make the dinner?"
Here are some hugs from me to keep you going through today :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::h ugs::hugs:
Thanku, Annie, u always know what to say :-) and u r rite.
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