justabovewater
12-09-06, 13:08
Hi everyone
I thought I'd finally introduce myself. I've been lurking for sometime, and benefiting from the wonderful advice on the forum....it's nice to know I'm not an absolute nutter and that all the weird symptoms I have are common and just another sign of my anxiety. :D
I hardly ever speak to anyone about what my panic attacks/depression, so writing this down is probably harder than I ever realised which is why I've been avoiding it recently...convincing myself that it's because I don't have time for writing it (yeah right!). [:P]
I'm known to my friends as HJ and I'm a 26-year-old female living in west London.
I had my first panic attack about 3 years ago, (although I have realised afterwards that I have been suffering from mild panic attacks since childhood...raised heartbeat, feeling sick, hyperventilating etc). I don't really know to this day what brought it on, but it was probably an accumulation of repressed feelings from a few years. I had just finished a university assignment when my mum called that we were having unexpected guests for dinner, and if I had finished could I whip something up. I was alone at home and I remember this feeling of terror suddenly enveloping me, my heart was pounding, I felt sick, I felt dizzy, I couldn't breathe and I was shaking all over. I remember trying to cook whilst I could hardly grip the spoon to stir. :(
When my mum came home, she was really reassuring and said maybe the accumulation of the assignment and the cooking had made me tense, but I couldn't stop shaking. When I went to bed I hardly slept. From here it just got worse, I was living on a constant edge, obsessed with checking my pulse rate, unable to concentrate on anything, having 3/4 panic attacks a day, not sleeping at night despite lavender oil, thinking that I was going to die if I closed my eyes. My biggest fear was that I would die of sudden adult death syndrome -having unfortunately come across an article about it in the newspaper just a week earlier. I'm a hypochondriac at the best of times, but during this time, I was sure I had every fatal disease about.
My family was supportive, but a bit freaked out, my fiancée at the time kept saying "what’s wrong with you, why are you like this, you’re supposed to be strong? Just stop doing this". It goes without saying we broke up a year later, which affected me badly too. But I know it was for the best, he was controlling and manipulative. :(
I made doctors appointment to beg her to have me sectioned because I was totally mad, but before I could go; thank goodness for Google I put in my symptoms and up popped panic attacks. I was so relieved.
The doctor put me on 10mg of citalopram and within 2 weeks I was much better, sleeping at night and only having 3 panic attacks a week
Well, how has it been since then? As my log in name suggests, I am just above water, bobbing about! I have some bad days, and sometimes I am sinking, other days I am swimming although tentatively. But I think on the whole I’m just above water.
I get a lot of depersonalisation which really worried me, but nmp has helped me realise its just anxiety and to not think about it to combat it.
My biggest problem is negative thoughts and how to combat them and also seeing a bleak future. I want to get out of just being ok and feeling great and do something I enjoy. People, from my family to my counsellor suggest I should get a job, or do voluntary work or do a course, but I've tried it and I don’t want to do it. I want to do something else, but I just need to find it. To me my future looks bleak, and I hate the fact I feel that way. Whenever things get tough for me emotionally, I always feel that my death is impending and so I should just sit and wait for it. I suffer from depression too and somedays just sleep for like 6 hrs a day and then 8 hrs at night
At the moment, I’m having trouble sleeping. Just can’t relax.[/size=4]
Anyway, I’m sorry that was so long, that was my long ramble. I know it was a bit here and there but even that gives you some idea of who I am!
Thank you s
I thought I'd finally introduce myself. I've been lurking for sometime, and benefiting from the wonderful advice on the forum....it's nice to know I'm not an absolute nutter and that all the weird symptoms I have are common and just another sign of my anxiety. :D
I hardly ever speak to anyone about what my panic attacks/depression, so writing this down is probably harder than I ever realised which is why I've been avoiding it recently...convincing myself that it's because I don't have time for writing it (yeah right!). [:P]
I'm known to my friends as HJ and I'm a 26-year-old female living in west London.
I had my first panic attack about 3 years ago, (although I have realised afterwards that I have been suffering from mild panic attacks since childhood...raised heartbeat, feeling sick, hyperventilating etc). I don't really know to this day what brought it on, but it was probably an accumulation of repressed feelings from a few years. I had just finished a university assignment when my mum called that we were having unexpected guests for dinner, and if I had finished could I whip something up. I was alone at home and I remember this feeling of terror suddenly enveloping me, my heart was pounding, I felt sick, I felt dizzy, I couldn't breathe and I was shaking all over. I remember trying to cook whilst I could hardly grip the spoon to stir. :(
When my mum came home, she was really reassuring and said maybe the accumulation of the assignment and the cooking had made me tense, but I couldn't stop shaking. When I went to bed I hardly slept. From here it just got worse, I was living on a constant edge, obsessed with checking my pulse rate, unable to concentrate on anything, having 3/4 panic attacks a day, not sleeping at night despite lavender oil, thinking that I was going to die if I closed my eyes. My biggest fear was that I would die of sudden adult death syndrome -having unfortunately come across an article about it in the newspaper just a week earlier. I'm a hypochondriac at the best of times, but during this time, I was sure I had every fatal disease about.
My family was supportive, but a bit freaked out, my fiancée at the time kept saying "what’s wrong with you, why are you like this, you’re supposed to be strong? Just stop doing this". It goes without saying we broke up a year later, which affected me badly too. But I know it was for the best, he was controlling and manipulative. :(
I made doctors appointment to beg her to have me sectioned because I was totally mad, but before I could go; thank goodness for Google I put in my symptoms and up popped panic attacks. I was so relieved.
The doctor put me on 10mg of citalopram and within 2 weeks I was much better, sleeping at night and only having 3 panic attacks a week
Well, how has it been since then? As my log in name suggests, I am just above water, bobbing about! I have some bad days, and sometimes I am sinking, other days I am swimming although tentatively. But I think on the whole I’m just above water.
I get a lot of depersonalisation which really worried me, but nmp has helped me realise its just anxiety and to not think about it to combat it.
My biggest problem is negative thoughts and how to combat them and also seeing a bleak future. I want to get out of just being ok and feeling great and do something I enjoy. People, from my family to my counsellor suggest I should get a job, or do voluntary work or do a course, but I've tried it and I don’t want to do it. I want to do something else, but I just need to find it. To me my future looks bleak, and I hate the fact I feel that way. Whenever things get tough for me emotionally, I always feel that my death is impending and so I should just sit and wait for it. I suffer from depression too and somedays just sleep for like 6 hrs a day and then 8 hrs at night
At the moment, I’m having trouble sleeping. Just can’t relax.[/size=4]
Anyway, I’m sorry that was so long, that was my long ramble. I know it was a bit here and there but even that gives you some idea of who I am!
Thank you s