View Full Version : It's hard to make changes but maybe you can help give me confidence?
So folks, it's time for me to "face the music" and start to implement small changes in my behaviour that are going to put me on the road to recovery.
You'd think in the interests of feeling better, I would be inclined to make these changes so that I dont feel as vulnerable & on the verge of tears so often. Or that it would help me feel more motivated, less scared of doing things or getting on in life. But as you are probably aware, it's sometimes much easier to remain in your little bubble of safety - whatever that is. Of course remaining 'safe' & less challenged is much easier than doing things that make you feel uncomfortable. I've been here before when I did therapy. This time round I think it feels harder as I know what's coming & I'm not looking forward to being under pressure & feeling stressed or scared even. But it's essential that I do these things if I'm going to improve. As my counsellor said to me this morning, just little changes at first & then build it up from there.
So what have I got lined up? Well, I need to make some changes in my relationship with my long term partner. Nothing major, just a few small things here & there. I'm aware that at times I feel frustrated & like I get "treated as a child". If this is going to change two things need to happen: I need to be big enough to point out when they make me feel I'm being treating like a child but also I need to stop acting like one at times too when it's inappropriate. Honestly you'd think at nearly 50 I would have a handle on this by now but its only recent events which have brought me to realise what is going on.
So, the choice is, do nothing & face a lifetime of frustration & often feeling sad because I am put upon by my partner in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable (such as if they raise their voice to me). As I say, remaining in my little bubble.... running off, hiding & crying about these things in private is what I have been used to doing. All because I fear it might upset my partner if I point out a few things. Even if I do it nicely I fear it'll upset them & I hate upsetting people. But I have to risk it or I am going to remain unhappy forever & I cant face that.
Well, really there is no choice is there? So...... I already know what I need to do but actually doing it is quite another thing but I promise I am going to give it a go. As I say, I'm nearly 50 but at times I feel more like 5. But its time to grow up. Maybe you can help me :-). It might just be you hear from me again if I need a motherly touch from you all. It's that which I missed over the years & I know it meant I'm less confident & dont believe in myself the way I need to. Thats one great this about this site; everyone is so good at making others feel important and valued.
The other thing I have planned is work related; I posted recently about taking 2 short flights in a day; well this is likely to happen after easter, or the week after that. It might then happen about every 2-3 weeks. It'll be the biggest test I've faced in years but I'm determined I'll do it. I'll keep you posted on that one.
I've started the "growing up" process already; I got called into a meeting involving a client this morning; instead of thinking "oh no I'll blush, look stupid, say something stupid.....", I thought to myself... "you've done this before; just act normal". So that's what I did & hey presto I even managed to contribute something to this meeting & keep our visitor talking while waiting for my boss to come down. So there we go, I can do it if I put my mind to it.
So peoples, I'm really hoping I can continue the upwards trend. I dont want to grow up so much that I forget what it's like to have fun. I need to get the balance right so I can feel confident in work situations & at oher times when focus/using my skills is needed. Also I dont ever want to lose my cheerful/bubbly side as I know people like it when I'm in happy mood. As you all know though, getting that balance is really hard.
Well, I'm off now to do a bit more work....& meanwhile I'm hoping you're having an ok day.......
Tessar as I was reading through this I was thinking 'that's me' My hubby often makes me feel like 'the child' the way he sometimes speaks to me. I know he doesn't do this to hurt me and I guess he does it because I let it happen. He often takes control of situations and tells me how I should do things when really I want to do it myself and in my way. I think by allowing him to do this has lowered my confidence in making my own decisions. Hmm Tessar I think this is something both you and I need to work on :D
So pleased that you have so courageously made the decision to fly..that will really boost your confidence and they are short flights so hopefully you will get used to that and then be able to go much further on a nice holiday :D
its interesting how often i say something &then someone else feels the same. you kind of slip into these situations without realising it & then it's like, well how do I change it without appearing grumpy or upsetting your other half. i'm going to think of ways i can broach the subject without coming across in the wrong way....will have to let you know how i go.
oh that thing about doing it your own way; yeah thats just it. also in my own time as well. i just want to meander along & when i'm ready, whatever it is will get done.
the flying thing will become a reality as i have been pencilled in for the trip after next. it'll be interesting to see how my grumpy colleague reacts; she doesnt know yet & is the one who has been badgering me to do these flights ever since she joined the company. i have kept telling her to stop going on about it all this time. i havent told her i'm going as i dont want her winding me up. its going to be a shock to her but rather than shutting her up she'll probably get even louder. if she does i will tell her (properly) to shut up as i wont want to talk about it to anyone....i just want to do it (in my own time - just like you said).
We will both have to work on this one Tessar and report back to each other when we have been assertive :) Good on you for saying you will tell your grumpy colleague to shut up...see you are becoming more assertive all ready :)
Hi Tessar, just like Annie felt, I also read your post and thought that was me... many years ago. I was in a situation which although I knew wasn't going to get better on its own, I couldn't face rocking the boat by starting the 'sort-out'.. Eventually though I gathered up the strength & emotional stamina to do it, and like all things like this, it was well worth it.
You'll be fine.. you have your convictions close to your heart, you know what's right and wrong, and your quest to get things right, once you start, will see you through. Just do a lot of thinking beforehand as to how you're going to say things, handle things, & deflect any wobbles that might come your way.
Thanks Daisy Sue, I am doing lots of thinking as you say. Sometimes it takes my mind a while to unpick what's going on, that's why seeing my counsellor is good as it keeps me thinking.
I managed to have a chat with my partner yesterday evening & I'm hoping this is going to set us on the right track. It isnt like we are having difficulties, more so that I need to be up front if things make me feel bad. I'm realising that she doesnt appreciate how sensitive I am to a change in tone, often its mannerisms & tone that get to me rather than words. I explained to her that its because of my past I am like that. In her case, something might happen but 5 mins later she's forgotten about it. Me....i continue to ruminate but that is what I want to change.
This morning I did something assertive: My colleague tried to push in while I was making a drink; so with a touch of humour added I said I'd not finished & how its best not to come between me and my coffee. Actually our boss was there at the time & she thought was I said was funny. Usually I'd just let people walk in & do what they want. But that's the sort of thing I have to stop. The little things that'll lead to the bigger ones!
Tessar..well done you! :yahoo::yahoo::yahoo:
Lol - brilliant! Sometimes it's quite a surprise when we come out with something that normally we'd keep to ourselves... I know I occasionally think OMG did I actually say that out loud?
To me it's all about our rights.. rights to not be interrupted, to be respected, considered etc.. and it's easy when you have low confidence to forfeit those rights. Keep on doing what you're doing, you're getting there :)
Yes indeed - I know when I did CBT I read about rights when I was learning how to become more assertive.
Just to show you how my mind works (especially when I am not at 100%) I just wrote out a card to my friend because her mum just died. I did a draft of what I'd say & then I thought if say one of my colleagues read it (especially one who can be a bit "gobby" sometimes) I thought they'd take the mick. Then I thought to myself, why would I be thinking this in the first place? For all I know they might read it & think what I said is really lovely. I think it's because I am conditioned to fearing people will laugh at me (I always got laughed at when I was growing up if I did anything "girly" &of course writing something like this is "girly" in my mind.....so thus the connection).
Anyway - I know my friend will like what I wrote as I've said some of it to her already & could just tell that my words were making a difference to her. I've learned not to shy away from people when they are bereaved as it's so easy to do that.... instead if I can help them & feel they would like my help then I will be there for them even if it makes me feel sad.
I've done that too... I've lost loved ones and even years on, it hurts like hell... you sort of want to reach out to others who you know are feeling that pain and say you understand...
You sound like a really good, compassionate person, Tessar - so don't ever question doing something nice for someone. If there was anyone out there who read it, and made fun of your words & sentiments, then it says a lot more about them than it does you!
You know what, Daisey Sue? You're absolutely right....
We had a powercut most of the afternoon at work as it got knocked out by a lightning strike. Anyway I was saying to a colleague that I'm scared of thunder & lightning & always have been.... she was laughing at me. Actually instead of being upset by her reaction I felt like telling her to shut up. There's something about her which reminds me of the types of people who are bullies but I am going to stand firm with her as her attitude it really quite pathetic. I think one day she will want sympathy but she aint going to get it from me!
Saying that I do agree with you that I am a good, compassionate person.... thank you. I will remind myself that I can choose when & to whom I apply this side of my nature :-)
As Daisy Sue said before..it says a lot more about your colleague than it does about you. How immature to laugh because you are afraid of lightening. I am sure she has some fears too. My son's girlfriend has a real phobia of polystyrine. Bless her, she didn't dare refuse and she was trying to flick each piece into a bag, then my son told me she had a phobia of it.
Its kind of odd really but today I feel like I just cant be bothered to do alot (I'm at work at the moment & so must get on & I know I will) but in more general terms, doing things I know will make me feel better seems a bit beyond me at the moment. I'm talking practical things here such as going for walks, getting my bike out again, gardening & so on.
Sometimes I feel incredibly lazy or actually more like lethargic I suppose. I know I was away at the weekend & feel tired from that but I feel like this a lot of the time. I'm interested to know if anyone else knows what to do to get better but actually motivating yourself seems really hard or almost beyond you.
Perhaps I am just expecting too much too soon. Having been away at the weekend and actually having been more assertive this last week, maybe its a better idea to sit back & note the progress I have made, instead of sitting here thinking that today I need to be out there attacking my issues.
I guess there's no harm in taking stock.... as that's not the same thing at all as slipping backwards.
I think I posted a thread about lack of motivation a few weeks ago. I seem to be blaming every thing on the weather at the moment and saying when the weather is better I will feel more motivated. I heard that there is a heat wave expected in May so I will then be complaining that it is too hot to do anything!! :hugs::hugs::hugs:
yeah that's exactly how it'll be! what we need is something inbetween the two types of weather. i remember your thread. I'm sure I said to you that you'd been unwell so no wonder your motivation was lacking; and you'd been stressed. I think sometimes we expect to just suddenly get better & interpret anything less than than as being no good. What are we like!!!???
And here I am again feeling unwell...full of cold, shivery, aching and sore throat. I have to take my son to the train station at 1 pm then I will be straight back to bed :(
In the last few weeks I have been working on several different things. First I have been talking to my partner about how I feel. It is now evident to me that she often isn't aware how I take things when she is short with me. But having spoken about it, that has cleared the air
Also, instead of automatically assuming if she reacts to something, that it MUST be my fault or as a result of something I did or didn't do, I am reflecting on what is going on before I say or do anything. I am beginning to see that actually often what's going on isn't down to me. My partner gets frustrated with all sorts of things and I just assumed it was my fault she was reacting that way or that it's my responsibility to make things right
We did some DIY last weekend & to start off with, I wasn't involved. Before long she was getting frustrated so I offered to help. It was then I could actually see that the situation might have transpired, but I hadn't caused it & actually didn't have to intervene. I'd chosen to but knew it wasn't essential I did that.
Also I have always struggled with being assertive. I know this causes me all sorts of problems, not least at home. I find actually saying how I feel or asking for what I need is very difficult. Even with my partner this is still the case. I hate ever saying anything that would hurt someone's feelings, especially my partner. but then my fear of upsetting them means I don't say anything and I get frustrated.
So .... I have made a special effort at home to make in-roads into expressing my needs & feelings better but also again, inviting my partner to do the same. This does seem to be working & I am also taking on board & discussing feedback I'm getting from my partner.
I had a situation at work last week where I really needed my colleague's help with something urgent but I felt awkward interrupting her (personal) conversation with another colleague. I knew I needed to do it & although I did, I don't do it very assertively at all, I kind of mumbled to her. Even though i know I could have handled it better! at least I knew what was necessary. My hope is next time I will be more brave & speaking louder. As my therapist used to say "debate it later" (which is what I did so that next time I'll be assertive, I hope).
Alongside this, I am working at not procrastinating. This is one of my biggest problems & causes me issues as soon as I wake up in the morning. But again, working on it is helping. Plus I am applying the trying not to procrastinate thing at home as well as at work.
So, instead of leaving things to one side, I am trying to do them as I go along. The result of this is that I am being more organised and getting less stressed as I am attending to things I have been putting off.
Just got to try and keep going with all this now.....
tonight partner was being short with me, which always makes me feel bad because if it were me, I wouldn't be like that with someone I care about.
I'm meant to be assertive but felt like if I mentioned it, then I would cry. So I waited a bit before saying something. Then I asked if she was ok... Which she was. But I did mention she'd been terse. I really hate having to do that but I know I have to, otherwise I will spend the rest of my life feeling unhappy & letting people get away with it
The thing is, that sometimes when you do things that make you feel uncomfortable there seems to be a reward at the end. This is something that doesn't give an instant visible reward as actually it makes you feel worse, but I know that in the long run I have to learn to be stronger, more assertive.
It feels really uncomfortable taking steps like this but just has to be done,. I haven't managed to do this before without getting upset. That was the difficult part. I have tears in my eyes saying this now but that's because being assertive isn't something that comes naturally
The irony of me feeling uncomfortable is that my partner is now checking I am ok with her, which I am & of course I have told her I am. That then makes me feel a bit guilty, but I am fighting that off too, it's all a learning curve for me.... Never done the assertive thing effort but I simply do need to learn.
I guess the more we do it the easier it will get. I think it is important in a relationship to be able to say how we feel or what we are thinking. You did this tonight and you did it in a kind and caring way which is very good..well done :)
Why thank you. I can sleep well now.....
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