kasp917
23-03-13, 02:58
hi i am 33 years old and i have been agoraphobic now for almost 10 years i will say a little or what i can about my situation and see what the best help is for me
i have been with my partner since i was 15 i fell pregnant with my first child at 16 she was born 8 weeks premature but was allowed home when she was 10 days old because she was doing well when she was 3 week and 6 days old she fell ill we took her to the doctors who said she had a chestinfection i wasent happy and called my heath visiter who came right out shewas also not happy with the diagnosis as my babys lips were turning blue she put a mask on her for oxygen and called ambulance and she was rushed to alderhay childrens hospital when we got their because of how unresponsive she was and her color they took her right into recus did many tests and started treating her for meningitus she seemed to be doing a little better at first and they adviced us to come home get her some clothes and essentials she would need (nappies creams bottles milk and so on) we left her in the capable hands of the nurses and went home for her things we hadent even been home 5 minutes when the hospital called to say she had deteriated and we needed to get back ASAP we got back 15 minutes later and was took to a side room they said the doctors was with her and we could see her soon by time they let us in the room we only had about 5-10 minutes with her before she passed away holding onto my hand that was the worst day of my life losing my daughter when i was only 16 my self me and my partner was in bits then we had doctors and specialists come to see us and they tried to say it was mine and my partners genes i cant remember the full conversation but they said their was a 1 in 4 chance of any future children having the same condition (meningitus ecoli) a few weeks later we found out this was false information but it stayed in the back of my mind forever they had to do a postmorton on our daughter and they just told us on the eath certificate cramnegative biological septasimia (blood poisoning) this in its self was hard i though they was blaming me for poisoning her blood we aranged her funeral and had her bueried and we tried to get on with our lives the best we could i went on to have another daughter followed by a son then 2 still births 1 after another so by this time we had bueried 3 children then i went on to have 2 more daughters then i fell pregnant again and then we seen articals published in the papers and on the local tv channel regarding alderhay and the taking of babies and childrens organs over a perioud of time we didnt think much of it because they said it stopped in 1996 this was the year my daughter was born (firstborn who passed away) after a few weeks of all the publicity i couldent help but wonder but at the same time i was scared to know but all those thought went through my head about when we brought her home in a open casket and i was dressing her in a gown for buerial and i was saying this isnt how i remember my baby they have done things to her they shouldent of and at the time my family assured me thats how scars look after a post mortom , we finaly plucked up the courage and called the helpline number and we had to give our details our daughters details her D.O.B AND D.O.D and they told us we would be contacted in time then 1 day we got all the kids in the car ready to setof to my mums house for the day we pulled out of our road and the phone rang it was from the hospital and the lady said she would like to speak with us and we said we wasent in and would be happy to make appointment she said its very important can we put our plans on hold and she could be with us in 30 minutes so we put the phone down and drove back home we was in the house so scared and nervous to what was the urgency of her call when she arrived she sat down asked if any 1 was here to look after the kids while we taked and things like that their wasent so we placed them in the playroom while we chatted and she just came out and said it said im sorry to have to tell you this but your daughter was involved and we have a list of the organs that was taken the list was so long i couldent speak right their and then i knew i was right in knowing the baby we took into the hospital was not the same baby we got back i was in shocvk i couldent speak i phoned my mum in tears then i got my baring and we asked what happens next she said she will apply to have my daughter organs returned and they will pay for a buerial to have them but back with her were she is bueried then i was worried because we had 3 babies bueried in the same plot and so on and i didnt jsut want this to happen it might sound strange but i wanted it to be on the anniversary of her death so to me she would be complete and can finaly rest in peace how she was ment to be so we aranged the buerial they gave her organs in a small casket to the funerla parla and all plans were made for the day (funeral) on the day i was very sad and emotional (worse because i was pregnant) it was so hard having to do that and the stress also caused me to go into labour with my youngest son very shortly after the buerial i had my son 5 weeks early but no complications or problems and he was allowed home having the baby distracted me from what we had been through and also my other children with out them i would never have coped everything was going fine untill my son turned 3 weeks and 6 days old and he became ill all those thought came flooding back to me (the lie of a 1 in 4 chance of all my children falling ill) we took him to the hospital (alderhay ) its the only childrens hospital were i live and they sent him home with dioralite said he just has a virus and will be find and to just keep him hidrated he didnt get better and after 13 visits they told me i wasa over protective mother and their was nothing wrong with him they send me home i called my GP who sent the heath visiter out so took all information she needed from me and went back to see the doctor who looked up things and she called me back told me to take him back the hospital and demand that they do a xray so we went to the doctors to pick up the referal letter so they couldent send me back home as we took my son into the xray department the nurse took 1 look at my son and said i know whats wrong with him and i cant understand why you have been send home with no checks he was xrays and diagnosed with pilorix stynosis (dont think i spelt that right) we looked like a frail old man he had gone way below his birth weight and hadent been able to keep fluids down for about 5 days or more he was so dehidrated because of the vomiting he was unable to use his kidneys and was starting to pass blood he was rushed in and placed on a drip and took to ICU they had to place the needle/tubes in his head because he had no vains i was so traumatised and felt letdown by the people i should trust the people who are ment to help when you are sick once he was well enough he was rushed for emergancy keyhole surgery and the operation went well then over the next few days we had to train him to feed again whe he was placed on the high dependancy unit i felt he was treated porly no1 seen to him when he cried they told us leave him to cry he has to be hungry to feed and things like this it was horrible that i couldent confort my baby (others in their was going through the same the staff wasent plesant i wouldent trust them with a pet let alone a child . while being their for the time he was in their it gave me time to think from when my first born was their and all those memories came flooding back and then what they did to her poor body i became so scared and didnt even like going their but i knew i neededto for my child then the day came that he was allowed home i was so happy i could give him all the cuddles he needed all the kisses i wanted and could held him anytime i was elated the exitment was unreal we planned to bring him home bath him change him put a new outfit on him and go with my other 4 children and partner to my mums house when we was discharged i couldent get out of their fast enough we got in the car came home got him bathed and ready got the other children ready and put them i their car seats ready we got in the car and started to head of i got the the exact same spot i wasat when that doctor called me with the horrid news and i started to panic i asked my partner to take me back home i made the excuse that im not ready yet to share him with others and i wanted to go home and spend quality time with my youngest the next day the feeling was the same i didnt even get as far as the car this time and every day after till i came to the realisation i cant go out the fear was unreal i have to faith or trust in doctors or the medical profesion my doctor offerd counceling if i went to surgery ( doctors office) i couldent even get in the car to do it i finaly got therapy a councelor from the hospial came out to see me over a few weeks but everything i said he was butting it defending them to the tilt i couldent express my concerns anger feeling emotions everything so then i clammed up wouldent even talk to him and it got worse and worse it then took 5 years because i was able to have another councelor come visit me at home this didnt work out to well either during all this time since he came out of hospital i would have panic attacs night terrors all sorts for no reason i couldent pin point it i wasent thinking of anything persific while it happens they was just their all the time when my son reach the age of 5 we got another phone call from the hospital saying they had found more organs belonging to my daughter so we had to have a 3th buerial just for her alone with out the other 2 from my still births by this time any progress i thought i was making went right back down i couldent even bring my self to attend the buerial my partnerand mum did it all my youngest son also has epelepsi they wouldent test him for it till he was 5 (said they had to wait for his brain to grow and develop) i also think this was caused by the hospital and their neglagence .
about 2 years ago a doctor finaly got me some propper help i was seing a therapist and a counsiler they say i have PTSD social anxiety agoraphobia panic disorder and OCD we worked for 12 months through some of my issues andthen come month 12/13 we desided it was time to try go out the front we did this for 5 concecative weeks 5 doors away and back i found it easyish because the roads were empty (they was closed because of road works on my street) on the 6th week it was just starting to be reopend and as we got the the lampost 5 doors away i had a panic attack and had to rush back to my front door from that day on they said they dont think im ready and i havent seen them since
when will i be ready is that even a question shouldent i just jump in feet first and do baby steps my children are 16 14 12 almost 13 12 and 9 almsot 10 i have missed out on soooo much because i cant go on family days out cant go to parents evening or school plays i couldent even go on the very first family holiday they had last october i dont want to miss out on anymore time with my children as i said ive been with my partner since i was 15 we got engaged at 16 i so want to be able to get married have my children as bridesmaids and paige boys before they get to old i want to go out for me for my partner and most of all for my kids and family please please let me know were i can get help i dont have money for all the fancy therapist
i have been with my partner since i was 15 i fell pregnant with my first child at 16 she was born 8 weeks premature but was allowed home when she was 10 days old because she was doing well when she was 3 week and 6 days old she fell ill we took her to the doctors who said she had a chestinfection i wasent happy and called my heath visiter who came right out shewas also not happy with the diagnosis as my babys lips were turning blue she put a mask on her for oxygen and called ambulance and she was rushed to alderhay childrens hospital when we got their because of how unresponsive she was and her color they took her right into recus did many tests and started treating her for meningitus she seemed to be doing a little better at first and they adviced us to come home get her some clothes and essentials she would need (nappies creams bottles milk and so on) we left her in the capable hands of the nurses and went home for her things we hadent even been home 5 minutes when the hospital called to say she had deteriated and we needed to get back ASAP we got back 15 minutes later and was took to a side room they said the doctors was with her and we could see her soon by time they let us in the room we only had about 5-10 minutes with her before she passed away holding onto my hand that was the worst day of my life losing my daughter when i was only 16 my self me and my partner was in bits then we had doctors and specialists come to see us and they tried to say it was mine and my partners genes i cant remember the full conversation but they said their was a 1 in 4 chance of any future children having the same condition (meningitus ecoli) a few weeks later we found out this was false information but it stayed in the back of my mind forever they had to do a postmorton on our daughter and they just told us on the eath certificate cramnegative biological septasimia (blood poisoning) this in its self was hard i though they was blaming me for poisoning her blood we aranged her funeral and had her bueried and we tried to get on with our lives the best we could i went on to have another daughter followed by a son then 2 still births 1 after another so by this time we had bueried 3 children then i went on to have 2 more daughters then i fell pregnant again and then we seen articals published in the papers and on the local tv channel regarding alderhay and the taking of babies and childrens organs over a perioud of time we didnt think much of it because they said it stopped in 1996 this was the year my daughter was born (firstborn who passed away) after a few weeks of all the publicity i couldent help but wonder but at the same time i was scared to know but all those thought went through my head about when we brought her home in a open casket and i was dressing her in a gown for buerial and i was saying this isnt how i remember my baby they have done things to her they shouldent of and at the time my family assured me thats how scars look after a post mortom , we finaly plucked up the courage and called the helpline number and we had to give our details our daughters details her D.O.B AND D.O.D and they told us we would be contacted in time then 1 day we got all the kids in the car ready to setof to my mums house for the day we pulled out of our road and the phone rang it was from the hospital and the lady said she would like to speak with us and we said we wasent in and would be happy to make appointment she said its very important can we put our plans on hold and she could be with us in 30 minutes so we put the phone down and drove back home we was in the house so scared and nervous to what was the urgency of her call when she arrived she sat down asked if any 1 was here to look after the kids while we taked and things like that their wasent so we placed them in the playroom while we chatted and she just came out and said it said im sorry to have to tell you this but your daughter was involved and we have a list of the organs that was taken the list was so long i couldent speak right their and then i knew i was right in knowing the baby we took into the hospital was not the same baby we got back i was in shocvk i couldent speak i phoned my mum in tears then i got my baring and we asked what happens next she said she will apply to have my daughter organs returned and they will pay for a buerial to have them but back with her were she is bueried then i was worried because we had 3 babies bueried in the same plot and so on and i didnt jsut want this to happen it might sound strange but i wanted it to be on the anniversary of her death so to me she would be complete and can finaly rest in peace how she was ment to be so we aranged the buerial they gave her organs in a small casket to the funerla parla and all plans were made for the day (funeral) on the day i was very sad and emotional (worse because i was pregnant) it was so hard having to do that and the stress also caused me to go into labour with my youngest son very shortly after the buerial i had my son 5 weeks early but no complications or problems and he was allowed home having the baby distracted me from what we had been through and also my other children with out them i would never have coped everything was going fine untill my son turned 3 weeks and 6 days old and he became ill all those thought came flooding back to me (the lie of a 1 in 4 chance of all my children falling ill) we took him to the hospital (alderhay ) its the only childrens hospital were i live and they sent him home with dioralite said he just has a virus and will be find and to just keep him hidrated he didnt get better and after 13 visits they told me i wasa over protective mother and their was nothing wrong with him they send me home i called my GP who sent the heath visiter out so took all information she needed from me and went back to see the doctor who looked up things and she called me back told me to take him back the hospital and demand that they do a xray so we went to the doctors to pick up the referal letter so they couldent send me back home as we took my son into the xray department the nurse took 1 look at my son and said i know whats wrong with him and i cant understand why you have been send home with no checks he was xrays and diagnosed with pilorix stynosis (dont think i spelt that right) we looked like a frail old man he had gone way below his birth weight and hadent been able to keep fluids down for about 5 days or more he was so dehidrated because of the vomiting he was unable to use his kidneys and was starting to pass blood he was rushed in and placed on a drip and took to ICU they had to place the needle/tubes in his head because he had no vains i was so traumatised and felt letdown by the people i should trust the people who are ment to help when you are sick once he was well enough he was rushed for emergancy keyhole surgery and the operation went well then over the next few days we had to train him to feed again whe he was placed on the high dependancy unit i felt he was treated porly no1 seen to him when he cried they told us leave him to cry he has to be hungry to feed and things like this it was horrible that i couldent confort my baby (others in their was going through the same the staff wasent plesant i wouldent trust them with a pet let alone a child . while being their for the time he was in their it gave me time to think from when my first born was their and all those memories came flooding back and then what they did to her poor body i became so scared and didnt even like going their but i knew i neededto for my child then the day came that he was allowed home i was so happy i could give him all the cuddles he needed all the kisses i wanted and could held him anytime i was elated the exitment was unreal we planned to bring him home bath him change him put a new outfit on him and go with my other 4 children and partner to my mums house when we was discharged i couldent get out of their fast enough we got in the car came home got him bathed and ready got the other children ready and put them i their car seats ready we got in the car and started to head of i got the the exact same spot i wasat when that doctor called me with the horrid news and i started to panic i asked my partner to take me back home i made the excuse that im not ready yet to share him with others and i wanted to go home and spend quality time with my youngest the next day the feeling was the same i didnt even get as far as the car this time and every day after till i came to the realisation i cant go out the fear was unreal i have to faith or trust in doctors or the medical profesion my doctor offerd counceling if i went to surgery ( doctors office) i couldent even get in the car to do it i finaly got therapy a councelor from the hospial came out to see me over a few weeks but everything i said he was butting it defending them to the tilt i couldent express my concerns anger feeling emotions everything so then i clammed up wouldent even talk to him and it got worse and worse it then took 5 years because i was able to have another councelor come visit me at home this didnt work out to well either during all this time since he came out of hospital i would have panic attacs night terrors all sorts for no reason i couldent pin point it i wasent thinking of anything persific while it happens they was just their all the time when my son reach the age of 5 we got another phone call from the hospital saying they had found more organs belonging to my daughter so we had to have a 3th buerial just for her alone with out the other 2 from my still births by this time any progress i thought i was making went right back down i couldent even bring my self to attend the buerial my partnerand mum did it all my youngest son also has epelepsi they wouldent test him for it till he was 5 (said they had to wait for his brain to grow and develop) i also think this was caused by the hospital and their neglagence .
about 2 years ago a doctor finaly got me some propper help i was seing a therapist and a counsiler they say i have PTSD social anxiety agoraphobia panic disorder and OCD we worked for 12 months through some of my issues andthen come month 12/13 we desided it was time to try go out the front we did this for 5 concecative weeks 5 doors away and back i found it easyish because the roads were empty (they was closed because of road works on my street) on the 6th week it was just starting to be reopend and as we got the the lampost 5 doors away i had a panic attack and had to rush back to my front door from that day on they said they dont think im ready and i havent seen them since
when will i be ready is that even a question shouldent i just jump in feet first and do baby steps my children are 16 14 12 almost 13 12 and 9 almsot 10 i have missed out on soooo much because i cant go on family days out cant go to parents evening or school plays i couldent even go on the very first family holiday they had last october i dont want to miss out on anymore time with my children as i said ive been with my partner since i was 15 we got engaged at 16 i so want to be able to get married have my children as bridesmaids and paige boys before they get to old i want to go out for me for my partner and most of all for my kids and family please please let me know were i can get help i dont have money for all the fancy therapist