So far forward, but its all gone wrong [Archive]

sal

19-06-04, 20:14

Dont know where to start this post, because up until the beginning of last week i felt like everything was coming together and i was going to become one of the lucky ones who is a success story. But over the last two weeks i have felt very anxious and could feel my mood slipping. As we all know we try our hardest to pull ourselves back together again, but no matter how i have tried nothing has helped. Not only has my anxiety increased and my confidence disappeared, i am suddenly left feeling very depressed, which is not a strong symptom that i had to cope with.

Thank goodness for my neighbours because last night one of them came over and i went and sat with them with Sam and her children until about 11.30 p.m. and i finally after a few beers settled down. I actually opened up to them last week at a bbq about my anxiety and how i was feeling and they have all been great. But one especially as last week she was really down and told me about her depression and couldnt thank me enough for helping her, but advice is so much easier to give than take.

Work has been really stressful and i can feel it is getting to me, but i hate the fact that i left it get to me because i do actually enjoy it. When i finished work yesterday i was relieved i had a few days of. But as soon as i got home, i wanted to be back at work because at least i would be busy and wouldnt have time to think about how bad i feel.

I am praying for monday to come now as i have a long week in work and know i am in charge next week so will have no time to think.

Isnt it awful when i am praying for the weekend to be over, because i feel i cant cope on my own with Samantha. Suppose with my low mood i am noticing it even more as i have no one here to help me with her. I cant even face taking her out on own, so today she has just played with her friends. Bless her she even made her own lunch as i had gone back to bed.

I laid in bed earlier and could feel the anxiety rising, but it suddenly i was lying there thinking there was no point to it all, which made me even more anxious.

I am so angry with myself for letting myself get this low, but i have tried to fight it. Now i am scared that i am going to lose it completely and lose the energy to fight it. What happens if i go mad and get took away? What happens if i cant cope with Sam anymore? All those horrible questions are flying though my head and i cant get a rational answer to any of them.

Sorry for rambling on, but i havent spoken to my friends recently, i can feel myself going in on myself and i know i am not making the effort to contact people. But this is me, i stop talking and hide away. Thanks for listening.

Sal xxxxx

Even your darkest hour only last 60 minutes!!

Sal

Tessie28

19-06-04, 21:26

Come on Sal, we are all here for you. This will pass I'm sure and you will look back at it and see it for what it is - a blip. Of course you will cope with Sam you have been doing so well. Things are going to get better for you, just hang on in there:)
love Tess xx

Caitlyn89

19-06-04, 22:10

This is how its always is one step foward and BAM three steps back. It happens to the best of us. What you need to do is stand up to it. You cant let it get to you. Just like all the other time it will pass and once again you will be able to take your one step foward. As you say yourself your darkest hour will only last 60 minutes!!

Caitlyn

sal

19-06-04, 23:16

Hi Tess

Even though in time we all know it passes when you hit the bottom it seems so far away doesnt it. I am hanging in there, finding it hard but not going to go back to how i was.

Thanks Tess. Hope you are ok.

Take Care

Love Sal xxxxx

sal

19-06-04, 23:18

Hi Caitlyn

Thanks for that. Yep it does get to the best of us and rightly so we cant give in to it however hard it gets. Have read your post recently and will reply but as you have seen ive taken into myself and given myself some space to chill and sort my head out. Be in touch soon and you keep up the postive work.

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

kate

20-06-04, 11:00

Hi Sal,

Know exactly how you are feeling.

The awful depressive feelings will pass, but it's living with it all in the meantime that is so awful.

You know that all your thoughts at the moment ARE irrational. You will cope with Sam and you wont get taken away.

There is no easy way for you to get through this. Just keep posting on here and talking about it to as many people as will listen!

Speak soon

Kate x

malc38

20-06-04, 15:32

Hi Sal,
I know just how youre feeling, for the last few weeks i thought i was able to move on, came off my medication, stopped seeing my councellor everything was looking good. That is untill the last 7 days or so when i feel ive gone so far back that i wont have the strength to pull myself back up!. Just comming on here though and reading everyone elses thoughts has helped over the last day or so, im now determined to fight back coz i want my life back and im going to get it.

take care
malc

sal

20-06-04, 16:33

Hi Kate

I know you are right it will pass, but it is living with it in the meantimes, it takes up all your energy and wears you right down. I know i need to keep talking to my friends about how i am feeling but i sometimes just havent got the energy to go over it all again. But i will keep trying and hopefully a busy week at work will take my mind of it.

Love Sal xxxx

sal

20-06-04, 16:36

Hi Malc

Thanks for the post, it helps so much knowing other people have done so well then gone right back. I know it isnt easy, especially when you have been doing so well. The better you feel you have been doing the harder the fall seems to be. But like you i am going to keep fighting it. I just feel so tired at the moment and all i want to do is sleep, then when it comes to bed time i am wide awake and cant settle. You sound so positive and determined. Good luck hon and keep posting and letting us know how you are getting on..

Love Sal xx

kate

20-06-04, 17:00

Hi Sal,

Yes, being busy at work helps take your mind off things.

Hope it will work with me over the next few days, and that the time will fly by and daughter will be back!

Keep in touch, Sal

Kate x

sarah

20-06-04, 19:10

Hiya Sal

You have accomplished amazing things recently. You took your daughter on holiday alone and had a great time. Hold onto your success with that and know that you can get that good feeling again!

Im convinced that what you are feeling is a blip on the rocky road to recovery..after all you have done so well the panic just wants to say ' hi im still here!!'

take care hun

love sarah
xx

we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)

sal

20-06-04, 19:33

Hi Kate

Hope work keeps you busy and the time passes quickly and your daughter will be home. It does take your mind of things but sometimes after a mad day at work i cant sleep because so many things are going through my head ready for the next day. Looking forward to a busy week but a bit worried about been in charge, its alot of responsibility choosing which wing to close etc. But i will give it my best shot. Speak soon.

Love Sal xxxxxx

sal

20-06-04, 19:36

Hi Sarah

Thank you for that. Sometimes in the midst of anxiety you forget about the good things you have achieved. I just feel i have done so well and ive fallen harder than i have before because before now i have not managed to accomplish what i have recently. I think a lot of what i have managed to do is down to the support all of you have given me. I hate feeling so low and hate the way i want to hide and dont call my friends. I know my friends would help me all they can but i am sure at times they must be sick of hearing about my problems and at other times i just cant be bothered to talk. Its only this last few days that i have made an effort to come on the site because i just counld not face any contact.

I hope you are ok and had a good weekend.

Speak soon, take care.

Lots of love Sal xxxxx

Meg

21-06-04, 14:35

Hi Sal,

BLIP.

I hope you have a journal that you could look back in and read in black and white how fabulously you are doing.

You cannot go back to step one as you now know too much. Review whats changed , what you were doing to help yourself that you've now skipped over. What else could you implement.

What thoughts have you been having that have bene scaring you.

Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

sal

22-06-04, 11:14

Hi Meg

Yeah i do keep a diary and when i read about my really bad days over the years i realise that i can get through this blip. I have tried to review what has changed but there is nothing i can actually pin point. At the moment i am just trying to keep it together and i am trying to be positive but you know when you hit a rough one how hard it is. I am just sick of waking up on a morning and not wanting to carry on or get up to face the world. That is why i am doing a late shift today so i have had the morning trying to get myself pulled together. I just hate it when i get anxious and panic arise because the thoughts i get are horrible. I just feel like i am going mad, going to lose control and it just spirals from there. Well i will talk more later but i suppose i better get ready for work. I hope you are ok.

Thanks.

Love Sal xxxx

seh1980

09-07-04, 19:35

hello there Sal,

Sorry to hear that you have been feeling down but don't worry - it's understandable as you have a lot going on in your life. You have a job that takes up a lot of your time and you need to take care of Sam whenever you're not working. It's normal that it gets to you every once in a while. I just wanted to say that if you ever need any help looking after Sam like if you want to take her out somewhere and would like some company, then I would be glad to join you...or if you need someone to come over, give me a bell. Even if you need someone to look after her for a bit, I would gladly do it. I think she's adorable and I would love to help in any way I can!!! Chin up mate...Take care.

Sarah (seh1980):D

sal

10-07-04, 22:30

Hi Sarah

thank you so much for your post. It helps just knowing that if i am struggling with Sam you are so close and willing to help me.

Cant thank you enough for your support and friendship.

Lots of love Sal xxxxxxx

Meg

10-07-04, 23:30

Sal,

Well, since we've known you, you went form strength to strength went back to work and then on a succesful holiday.

Seems to me that since then you have been let down by friends and had things in the past flung at you which have been emotionally draining plus you are back working over full time hours in a very energy sapping enviroment.

It may be that you are still needing to recover but are once again being continually drained and are constantly fire fighting and thus everything looks so difficult as you have only small reserves.

This is a blip but it can be hard to see the way out when exhausted and vulnerable to spiralling. Glad you know that it temporary too.

Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

sal

14-07-04, 19:47

Hi Meg

How are you? Thanks for you reply. I know a lot has happened in the last few weeks, but i just dont seem to be able to get a grip with it all.

I have contacted my friend because i really cant hold grudges regardless whose fault it is and she said she would call me back but hasnt bothered. Got to the stage now where i cant be bothered with it.

Ive made the first move, now its up to her.

Work is really busy at the moment and i know it is getting to me. Not only that though with now having Sam all the time it just puts added pressure on. I know its not her fault but we have to be out of the house by 6.30 a.m. and i dont pick her up until sometimes 6 p.m. and it is not fair on her.

Well in a few weeks i have got sometime of. My boss has been really nice and she has let me take three weeks leave over the summer holidays so that should be a nice break from it all.

I seem to have got to the stage at the moment where i cant pull myself out of it. Every direction i try to look it all seems worthless. I know like you say it will pass, but then i start to worry what if it doesnt.

I couldnt cope feeling like this, then i get anxious about letting Sam down if i get worse. So there the horrible viscious circle starts and wont let me out at the moment.

Thanks for your support, it is really appreciated.

Lots of love Sal xxxx

nomorepanic

14-07-04, 21:34

Hiya Sal mate

Sorry you are feeling so bad [V]

I know that you are struggling at the moment but you are doing so well too. Look how far you have come. You had a brill holiday and that was a MAJOR achievement.

I really look forward to meeting you and giving you a big hug to take all the hurt and anxiety away.[:P]

xxxx

Nicola

Meg

14-07-04, 22:43

Sal,

I do wonder whether you're taking on too many extra hours at work when you are still essentially in need of recovery... Be careful.

Being tired , overstretched and having other pressures like Sam and interpersonal issues will drain you further making it seem harder to pull out of your temporary dip..

Please look after yourself.

Meg

stimpy

14-07-04, 23:00

Sal, you aren't alone in this.

We've all had these blips from time to time.
There's not a day go by when we wonder if this is as good as it gets.

The main thing is to remember your coping skills as they will be a huge benefit to you when you have these off days.

Hang in there.

Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.

[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

sal

14-07-04, 23:01

Hi Nic

Thanks mate. Cant wait to meet and have a good chat.

The hug will do wonder too.

How are you?

Love Sal xxxx

stimpy

14-07-04, 23:23

I'm having one of those blip moments too.
I got in the car to collect the kids from school and started to panic!
I couldn't believe it I thought I was passed all that months ago.

Since then I've been sent out for a walk around the block.
Cleaned the water feature and pond.
And generally pottered about.

But over all I am still alive and kicking ! [8D]

Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.

[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

sal

15-07-04, 18:18

Hi Liz

Sorry to hear you hit one of those blips.

thanks for your advice, i am trying to use my coping skills but still struggling.

Love Sal xxx

sal

15-07-04, 18:22

Hi Meg

How are you hon?

Thanks for your posts. I do think i am taking on too much at work, but i find it hard to say no when they are so short staffed and it puts pressure on my colleagues if i cant do the extra hours.

It is hard aswell as i seem to be finishing work then rushing to get Sam, and dont feel like i am getting a minute for myself.

Sam is playing up a bit at the moment, my fault for been to soft with her but now she isnt seeing much of her dad, she is taking a lend of me.

I just feel so anxious and tired all the time. I could go to bed now and sleep all night but as soon as get Sam to bed, i become wide awake and cant sleep. Then knowing i have to be up at 5.30 doesnt help because i clock watch.

Feel like i could run away from it all at the moment.

Love Sal xxxx

Meg

15-07-04, 18:37

They'll be even more short staffed if you need to take some time off with exhaustion. Please take care of yourself at present.

When you're back up to speed and recovered you can help out more then.

Kids need time, attention, patience and firm boundaries and when you're tired or fractious yourself it makes everything so much harder. As you give way once or twice , she'll know how to manipulate you.

Take control of your time and use it for your benefit, rather than being reactive to all the external pressures you have.

Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

nomorepanic

15-07-04, 20:28

Hiya Sal

Please remember that you are still not cured and are not superwoman! You need time out too and you must be careful that you don't overdo it.

Please try and find some time for you and make sure you don't get too stressed at work cos it could set you back.

We are all thinking about you ok?

xx

Nicola

sal

15-07-04, 23:06

Hi Meg

You are so right on that one, but me been soft carry on trying to help.

Taken far too many diazepam recently to help me cope.

You are right it is too much and i do need time out.

Just feel at moment it is all too much and not sure how to tell them.

Love Sal xxxx

sal

15-07-04, 23:09

Hi Nic

How are you?

I know i am not cured but hide it all.

No one at work would really understand how i feel.

Not sure where to go from here as am not getting better.

You guys have been brilliant, just hope you know how much i appreciate it.

Thanks for your support.

Lots of love Sal xxxx

Meg

15-07-04, 23:15

ummm .

Sorry I can't do extra this week. I have my daughter I need to spend time with as shes not seeing her Dad anymore.

I can't help this week. I have family committments

Sorry, I need my days off to recharge , I'm exhausted.

Be assertive and keep firm.

No need for long excuses or any guilt.

You do your contracted hours and noone can expect more. If you want to do more and can do so - then its a bonus .

I wrote a chapter on assertiveness not long ago. Email if you want some help with any particular aspect / personality .

Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

sal

16-07-04, 20:38

Hi Meg

Thanks for your advice. I know i should stand up and say i cant do it but ive always taken on more than i can chew!!!

I will have to try and say no as at the moment it feels like a constant battle.

I am working tomorrow for someone else then next weekend for someone else which means i will be at work for 12 days on. Not looking forward to that at all.

But on a positive note, i do have a week of after that, then a week in and two and a half weeks off. Thats probably why i am doing the extra shifts, as i wont have to use my leave as i can use the toil hours i have built up.

It is the first time for quite a few years that i am actually looking forward to spending time on the school holidays with Sam, just hope i carry on feeling like this.

Guess by now i have accepted that i have got her most of the time, which was hard at first because of the irrational and nasty uncontrollable thoughts i get. Just hope this time together helps me even more with my lack of confidence with her.

Thanks Meg.

Love Sal xxxxx

Meg

16-07-04, 23:21

I do a good chapter on assertiveness....

Resolve to set boundaries as to what you agree to do and what is simply too much and negotiate.

On eof the good things about having Sam is that you can define boundaries with her too and be consistant without Dad getting in the way and she being able to play you off against each other .

Glad to hear you've got time off soon.

Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

sal

17-07-04, 19:24

Hi Meg

Could do with that chapter!!!

Been to work today and was only supposed to be there 5 hours ended up been there for 6, then came home, Sam went to see her Dad and went back to work as the governor wanted this work doing on the computer.

Nightmare and no where to be seen was the word NO i cant make it.

Think part of it out of guilt because i was off before, trying to make up for the lost time.

Then i get home from work and get a text message from the friend that had a go at me, and she is having another go at me saying ive said this and that. How i dont know because i havent spoken to anyone. Plus she states that i have thrown everything back in her face, how i dont know as i was the one to contact her.

I hate arguments though, so have decided to write her a letter and tell her exactly how i feel and if she doesnt like it then i guess what have i lost. She has definately changed since she got a boyfriend but if i tell her that she will accuse me of been jealous, so i cant win.

Well i have a day of tomorrow so i am going to have some wine tonight, chill out and forget about it all.

Thanks for listening.

Love Sal xxxxx

sal

21-07-04, 00:10

An update on how i am feeling.

Should by now be saying that i feel the blip is over but it isnt.

Seem to be getting worse and now panic about panicking if you know what i mean.

I have learnt one thing from Meg and thats how to say No at work. We had an overnight draft coming in from the detention centre from near heathrow airport and we not due to arrive until 4 am tomorrow (today now) and they asked me to go home and come back in to help get them in the prison. Felt so tired and chewed i knew i couldnt do it.

Trying not to feel sorry for myself at the moment, even though it seems whatever i do i cant please everyone.

Trying my hardest to keep work at work and spend quality time with just me and Sam. Suppose now she doesnt see her dad very often i am playing to parents. But on the other hand havent got as much time when Sam is up to contact people, or dont want to be seen talking on phone to other people when trying to console Sam, who seems so mixed up at the moment.

I am that worried about her i am even going to take the odd day of work before my main leave to try and get her back on track and the happy little girl she once way. But at same time all around me im offending. It isnt personal at all and people seem to be judging me by that.

I know it is late now but Sam is asleep so i have time to myself to talk, but in an ideal world everyone else is asleep.

Made an appointment to see my doctor in two weeks times as things are not going well for me and i am relying on my diazepam. Not saying im taking loads but over the last few weeks every other day or so i have taken one.

Had a really bad day today, but made myself do it without a diazepam. Went through hours of panic/anxiety, totally irrational thinking then the hot flushes and the total out of body experience. But without the diazepam i am still her to tell the tale.

I tested myself, it wasnt easy but did it, but also know taking my diazepam as and when required (ie in one in maybe a week period) will not be harmful, so on my really bad days i wont go through what i went through today.

Trying so hard with the postive thinking but when i get it in to my head i still cant see why i am thinking it because looking at my life at the monent it has no quality.

Maybe it is time to accept that my life is me and Sam and i should be happy with that but always feel something is missing. Love Sam to bits as you all know and nothing could change that, just at times wish i could give her more than i do.

Sal xxx

sal

21-07-04, 23:29

Just a bit to add.

Maybe i am been paranoid now but really cant handle people been upset with me when i feel i have done nothing wrong.

Think it has all got to me and i let it.

Saw my CBT today for first time in while and she wants to reckon up where we are now, which isnt a problem for me.

Have seen her on and off for 2 years and she has been brilliant and know how luckly i am to have her.

Just hope this time we can sort it all out and help me move forward.

Is it bad to ask but need some help at moment, because not coping at all on my own with Sam and people getting at me or ignoring me is just adding to my problems and i really cant cope.

Any advice would be welcome please

Sal

kate

22-07-04, 08:45

Hi Sal,

Sorry to hear that things still aren't going good with you.

I feel exactly the same as you. If I think that someone is a bit "off" with me, I automatically think that I must have said/done something to upset them.

I find it very hard to confront people and will find myself being over the top nice to whoever I think is displeased with me.

At work, I very rarely put my opinion forward about anything.

I NEVER say how I really feel, even if someone has said something that I strongly disagree with.

I think on top of all the general anxiety, having conflict with people is just all too much to deal with.

It's all down to the low self esteem and assertiveness that Meg mentioned in an earlier post.

I think that until we obtain a higher self esteem then the assertiveness has no chance!![:I]

You say you are not coping well with Sam on your own at the moment .

What are the main things that are worrying you?

Sal, if you don't want to explain it all here, and you want to talk about it all, e mail me. I'm no expert on child care, as my experiences with daughter will have probably shown you!, but sometimes it just helps to get it all off your chest. I will try to help you if I can.

Hope to hear from you soon

Love Kate x

Meg

22-07-04, 13:33

Sal ,

This friend thing has really got to you and rattled you to your core pushing all sorts of emotional buttons such as protective Sam ones, guilt ones, abandonment, loyalty and all this when your self esteem and confidence are low anyway.

Maybe it is time to accept that my life is me and Sam and i should be happy with that but always feel something is missing- This is true for now . Things change daily but for today it is true.

Is it bad to ask but need some help at moment It's never a bad thing to ask for help . When you next see your CBT maybe you might ask her to directly focus on self esteem for a session.

We're here to support you , as Kate says you can post on here or email any of us at any time.

I have emailed you about 14 pages of the chapter. It s big topic !! Let me know how it fits with you ..

Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

sal

22-07-04, 19:34

Hi Kate

Thanks for your reply.

How are you doing today?

I am like you i hate it when someone is upset with me, and i hate confrontation. Someone can really upset me but if they turn on me, i will be the one to apologise and wont tell them how much they have upset me. Plus i try to be nicer to them and i know it isnt a bad quality to have but i am too forgiving and at times do feel people take advantage of it.

With regards to not coping well with Sam, some issues are really personal Kate, so i will email when i have more time and in a better frame of mind to open up. Your support would be greatly appreciated.

Speak soon.

Love Sal xxx