Meet my monster :)

[50shadesofmessedup]

Hello, I have often had a look through the forums and topics but have never had the guts to make a post lol :/ I'm a 23 year old female, with two beautiful children and number 3 on the way oops ;) and my hubby is brilliant in every way. My friends are amazing too... But I've got a secret monster and it's taking over my life , but I hide it well and nobody except my doctor knows about it .... My monster is HEALTH ANXIETY!!!:ohmy:
I can't remember how it started but im guessin it was after the birth of my first child , I was a solo parent after leaving a very abusive relationship and I think after nearly dying in childbirth I just sat down and thought wow! This little person is completely dependant on me... I can't ever get ill! ... Can anyone relate??

A headache was a brain tumour ... A face twitch was a stroke ... An odd shaped spot was cancer ... Pins and needles was DVT, indigestion well that was of course bowel cancer... And now , my latest and most severe obsession is my heart. I truly believe I have a problem with my heart and it's the worst and ugliest my monster has ever been :( :(

On the outside I'm a happy mum with a good job and life, on the inside I'm a manic pulse checker who is having two or three severe panic attacks a week. See it's a vicious circle , my biggest fear is PALPITATIONS. I get one, then I get a panic onset, which causes more palps... What a stupid, vicious circle I am in lol.

I've had ECGS, blood tests , chest x rays , 24 hour holter monitor , Cameras down, And probably 100 different medical people listen to my heart and tell me it's normal with benign ectopic beats that everyone has only some people notice. I've been to a and e more times than u can imagine convinced I'm about to croak it mid panic attack ... And it scares me.

I've tried fluoxetine , amitriptaline , sertraline (made heart beat too fast) and propranolol which helped with anxiety and palps but played my asthma up which was a shame :( boo. And have finally got citalopram again to try and pursue them but they make me really sicky when pregnant. I have also got diazepam 2mg for when I can't calm down ... I've took two in 7 months :D

I think I'm up for talking about it now, hopefully helping others I seem to be brilliant at giving advice and useless at taking it lol. I won't let this monster win ... But I've not worked out how to beat him yet?
After all. Life is for living not living uptight and I think a and e and my GP are at their wits end with me lol.
Thanks for listening , 50 xxxx

[leenalou]

hi 50 and :welcome:to nmp
this forum is full of endless post on advice and members experiences
it helps me loads i have depression and anxiety/panic attacks hope you get the support you need to beat your monster i am trying to beat mine also with fluoxetine and cbt,

good luck leenalou x

[50shadesofmessedup]

Hello leenalou :) thanks for the welcome it looks like a great place with loadsa help :) how do u find cbt? I am willing to give anything a go ! I hope we can beat our monsters soon :) yesterday was a really silly day I ended up goin up the hospital just because i was having a panic attack, I just sat in the cafeteria didn't even check in an when I'd calmed down I went home, not sure if its a good thing I didn't need to be seen or a bad thing really? Merr maybe I'm just crazy lol xx how's ur weekend been?

[Ribbit]

Hello 50 and congrats on baby number 3! How exciting! :))

Yep, I can totally relate. My health anxiety was never so bad until I had my children, then it spiralled out of control. My obsession is with my heart too as I notice every single missed beat and palp. Once you notice it, it is so very difficult to go back to being in blissful ignorance!

But you HAVE been checked out - repeatedly it seems (like so many of us, including me), lol! So now the hard part of acceptance comes in, and this is the part we're crap at.

You've tried some methods, but have you tried cbt or psychotherapy? I'm attacking my monster via exercise and psychotherapy this time. I'm desperate to beat it, and I'm really giving it my best shot.

Make sure your midwife is aware of your health anxiety, and your health visitor after you've had your baby - it's important they give you extra attention as (like me) you may be susceptable to post natal depression.

I know you're having a tough time, and pregnancy can bring about more palps than ever so you can feel even more crap.

I've no doubt you can fight this. We can all fight this. xxx

[50shadesofmessedup]

I'm sorry to hear u get the same heart symptoms as me :( but it sounds like ur really getting somewhere! Well done u! Other than meds I've tried nothing? I want to try something like cbt and next step for me is to gave the balls to look for some lol ... On the surface I'm normal. I've got ways of checking my pulse without anyone noticing ;) lol. I've found reading what I write down /type when I'm in a good frame of mind makes me feel silly... But ay laughing must b better than crying huh? Did u did ur palps worse in pregnancy then? Mine are :( in fact they werent ben there before my 2nd preg. And like u say all the tests why can't I just believe the results lol? But hopefully with a good family, amazing kids of course and my partner is bloody amazing but we don't talk about my anx , and some therapy of some sort i might be able to forget about my heart and dying for one day lol :/ xxxx thankyou so much for ur reply :)