fed up and had enough

[N206]

hi guys
havent posted for a few weeks.. my computer broke down on me.
Not been to good lately and i cant cope anymore. its really getting me down. Ive had 2 hypnotherapy sessions but i cant really see much difference. i dont work cos i cant even leave the house to go to the shop most days.
i cry every day,just burst into tears cos im so miserable and think im never going to b any different. i feel anxious everyday,even if i dont have to go anywhere,which i dont understand!
My stomach has been playing up and that makes me worse. When i first got panic attacks 7 years ago when i was 14 it was just panic attacks/severe anxiety..never known what triggered it.
Now i get panicky becuase of my stomach. i cant go anywhere incase i need the toilet. ive got a fear of being sick,and if my stools are slighty loose,or lighter or darker in colour than what i see as normal im in a full blown panic. then i wont eat for ages for fear il trigger a bowel reaction. i get pains and churning and popping all the time and i hate it.
im a huge burden on my family (thats how i see it) i cant contribute to the house, i cant do anything 4 myself.. and if i panic i ring for my mum everytime,shes the only one that can calm me down. if she has to go out i clock watch til she gets back cos i cant be on my own incase i get upset stomach.
i want to b normal and eat out and go to work and pop into town when i want to. its so annoying.
why couldnt i just have had a few brokenbones to mend insted of it all in my head--its harder to fix.

What can i do? im going insane,hating how i am.
N xx:(

Your stronger than you'll ever know,you control your own world.

[imported_n/a]

hi n,,

hey come on ,,i think we all some bad time ,,if you read some of my posts you will see that i am the same as you,,

we need to at least keep a little ray of hope there,,

dont worry about your family and not contributing one day you will be able to,,and then maybe you could make it up to them if you feel you have to,,

all that matters at the moment is YOU,,
dont worry about anyone else they just add to the symptoms guilt e,t,c,,

i cant go anywhere far from my home for the loo thing and all your symptoms so hey ANYTIME ANYTIME you would like to talk please e-mail me ok,,

hey we could exchange phone nos and give each other support ok,,

so please i would love to see you post here again with a more positive oulook,,,,ok,,

""HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS THERE UNDERNEATH THE ANGER AND DESPAIR""



xxxxdarrenxxxx

[N206]

hi
thanks for your post. helps to know im not alone. and its not just me whos feeling like this.
iv had a few good days lately but the past 2 days have been awful.. thats why my post was so miserable. just feel like its never gonna end sometimes. when i look back ot the happy outgoing onfident person i was it makes me more sad! dwelling on it doesnt help i know, but i just want to be that person again.
i think i could cope with general anxiety,if it bypassed my digestive system! breathlessness and chest pains i dont care about-but it goes straight 4 my stomach everytime and its so dihbilitating.(is that spelt right??!)
i know why ive had a slightly loose stomach the last 2 days i think,im hormonal and had a cold so thats probably why but i still go crazy!
i set myself up with "safety nets" to get through the day. Wait for my stomach to rumble before i eat. make sure mums home so if i need her she wont b out. i wont eat bread or wheatflourcos iv convinced myself it upsets me-which it doesnt as ive eaten it all my life til 3months ago. its a mental block now.
i just want someone to get into my head and take away the bit which causes me to be this way!!!
i use msn, do u have it? we could chat there??
n x

Your stronger than you'll ever know,you control your own world.

[Caitlyn89]

N,

You are not alone trust me. I have a fear of vomiting as well. I am so in tune with every little thing my body does (mostly my stomach) when it makes its noises i get anxious i wouldnt say panic because i try to just push it out of my mind but i do get anxious. I try to put on the radio or distract myself so i wont hear the noises. If my stool is loose again i will contribute it to like a stomach virus that can make me puke too, dont worry you are not alone. I play alot of mind games i contradict whatever i say its hard to explain. Again i fight with my unsupportive mother constantly i considered leaving alot because she tells me that im ruining the family all the time. I got as far as calling motels to check out prices until i can figure out where to stay. I've left twice not really left more like went for a walk for like an hour. Believe there are people worse off then you and you will get better. As of now i am faced with a descion on taking medication. So much good can come from it but i am absolutely terrified because one of the rare yet possible side effects is severe vomiting. Email me to chat.

Caitlyn

[sal]

Hi N

You are not going in sane, although at times you will think its the closest you will ever get to feeling insane. Yes you have problems like us all, and anxiety comes in many shapes and forms. Broken bones would be an ideal situation as we can put a time limit of the healing process but with us we have to keep trying and live in hope that it will get better, regardless of the time scale. You are really luckly that your mum is there for you and can help calm you down, so appreciate her support and dont feel you are a burden to your family. At the end of the day hon, you are her daughter and being a mother myself i would do anything to help Samantha however bad the problems she had, and i would be the one who felt guilty if i couldnt give her the support she needed. So remember that will be how you mum feels. You will get through this in time, although you have suffered for 7 years now, here you will get the support and comfort you need. You know yourself it wont be easy but asking for help is the biggest and hardest step to take. Keep posting and we will all help you all we can.



Even your darkest hour only last 60 minutes!!

Sal

[N206]

hi caitlyn
ive sent u an IM on yahoo.. dont no if ive done it right or if youv got it.
i know exactly how you feel. i too am terrified of throwing up,but my 1st fear is it going downwards.. then i relate it too, to a virus and think il b sick.
im scared il always be this way.i make excuses to every1 that doesnt no about my condition so i dont have to go out or do things. i cant work.. i sit in watching tv all day. and im so lonely and sad all the time. i burst into tears most days!
its horrible,and i hate eating as it might trigger it off. although i feel very sad that you dont have the close support of your mum. i dont think id still be here if it wasnt for my mum. Do you no have a close friend u can trust or a a cousin. someone u can rely on and who u can talk to when u need to?

n x


Your stronger than you'll ever know,you control your own world.

[N206]

Hi sal

thanks for your supportive post. it does help a little hearing that im not alone.. just wish it would take away this awful feeling inside me too.
i try so hard to make it go away, thn i get a bad day and i feel im back at the beginnning again.. such a vicious circle!
im not gona let it beat me, but sometimes im to tired to try.
x

Your stronger than you'll ever know,you control your own world.

[imported_n/a]

hey n,,

yeah i do have msn my address is ,,,,

darren_128@hotmail.com

do hope to hear from you,,,

would be nice to talk ok,

ANYTIME,,,


""HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS THERE UNDERNEATH THE ANGER AND DESPAIR""



xxxxdarrenxxxx

[sal]

Hi N

Dont fight it let the feelings run with you and when you come out the other side you will see it hasnt harmed you, made you go insane etc. Sometimes fighting it makes it harder and totally drains you. Remember every time you feel you are losing it or can cope it becomes a conscious thought and conscious thoughts dont happen. An easy example would be you thinking tonight you were going to win the lottery, that has suddenly become a conscious thought, but it doesnt mean it is going to happen. We all get bad days hon, where we have come so far forward then a bad day comes along and knocks us way back, even at times we feel even further than we were before. But we are still her talking, offering each other support. Anytime you need to talk you can get my email address of the site. Take up Darrens offer and talk to him on msn, he knows exactly where you are coming from, so let him help you. Take care and let me know how you are.

Lots of love Sal xxxxxxx

[Caitlyn89]

N,
Hey no sorry i really dont log on to yahoo much. Im on aol ALL THE TIME lol its xixcaitlynxix@aol.com if you wanna email or im me. I know how you feel i dont go out anywhere and i constantly make up excuses or lies and hope they will just stop asking lol. Best of luck i hope you feel better.
Caitlyn

[Jen84]

hey N
I read your post and you sound in the same position as me. I dont work at the moment and i feel very guilty about it. I depend on my mum sooo much and i dont know what i'd do without her! I get a horrble nervous feeling every morning when she leaves for work (i feel stupid im 20 years old) i call her alot and stuff! my thought is when she leaves what if im sick?how will i cope?! I have got a better with that recently and when she leaves now i do a puzzle, it distracts me and keeps my mind busy!
yesterday i started taking citalopram, i was pretty scared of the side effects but my mum took the leaflet out so i cant read it! the doc thinks i need them cos im depressed at home alone and i tend to cry alot too!
Hope u are feelin better today
Jenny xx

[tina]

hi i have been feeling like that today also, i have had three panic attacks today cant stop crying and feel like im not here, i keep wishing that i could be the person i was 12 years ago, i just keep thinking that my family are sick of me being ill and that my husband will get me sectioned if this carrys on

[sal]

Hi Tina

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time also, what is going wrong with us all. We will run out of tissues if we carry on like this. Your family will not be sick of you at all been ill, they probably feel guilty because they dont know how to make you better. It must be so hard to be close to someone who suffers like we do and not give miracle cures. Dont worry about crying it is a good release and you should never feel your husband will get you sectioned, i bet he is as frustrated as you about your illness and just wants you to get better. Like you i just want to be the person i was before all this started, seems so far away and at times can remember the happy go lucky person i was. Take care.

Love Sal xxxxx

[Meg]

Some nostalgia is great but start to look forward and put all your energies into creating your future instead of looking backwards.
It was that 'previous' that had something in it that got you here today.

You will not go mad - however real and inevitable it feels.

Tina -Being sectioned is a serious matter and cannot be done at someones request and needs more than one medical opinion.

N206 - you may not be able to go out to work at present but you can certainly contribute at home by helping or doing some home working activity.







Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

[N206]

hi guys

thanks for all the support. and Jen84, i read your message and i thought id written it! i am the same as you! im 20 too and fell silly that i call my mum all the time etc..nervous and panicky if she leaves. and i was on citalipram too!! for 18months.came off in february, and since then ive got to the worst ive ever been. i was ok on it,and thought i was ready to go without it,so came off. but when i came off it was the worst. more my fault than anything else as i stopped taking them literally over night and didnt wean myself off. so be careful with that as i got terrible withdrawl symptoms.

i dwell on the past too much i know that-- "why cant i just be like i was then".its so hard to imagine myself back to"normal" again. i dont know any different any more!

This weekend has been really hard, had 2 really bad days. Had upset tummy going 2 0r 3 times in the mornings.Makes me so panicky that i cant control my bowels and i might be sick..so im not eating.then by 3-4pm im starving,and ive not had tummy pain,so i no its not a virus. so i eat evening meal..nothing to strong,quite bland. and im fine. Next Morning im back on the toilet again...? ive taken my codiene phosphate lastnight and today and ive not been yet.. so hopefully thats worked.
Yesterday i had to go to my nans for lunch and cos id had upset tummy i hate leaving the house, but every1 was going so my mum dragged me there sobbing in the car. i just sat in the chair the whole time. by 4pm i was starving,and i had relaxed. i kinda use my tummy rumbling as a signal that im ok.if i was ill,i wudnt b hungry. if it doesnt rumble i dont feed it. its a stupid thing to do,but thats how i cope.
i cant stop the crying, and mum thinks im depressed because ive got no get up and go, dont even wanna get outta bed somedays. But ive seen a Psychiatrist and he says im not.
On Friday i started taking Passiflora complex. its this stuff you put in water and drink-like a st johns wort kinda thing.. its for panic and stress. so lets see if that keeps me calmer!
Sorry ive rambled on, but sometimes getting it off my chest helps! Jen84 if youv got msn,or wanna email me cos i think we'd get on well, im littlemissiggles106@hotmail.com or anyone else that wants to add on msn,feel free.
N x

Your stronger than you'll ever know,you control your own world.

[Tessie28]

Hi N,
well I've had the broken bones and the panic/anxiety over the last 7 weeks and I know which was easier to deal with so I'm with you on that [:I]. I can see my arm getting stronger by the day but I never know when Mr Panic may come back.

Try to take comfort from the many people on here who have got considerably better given time/medication/treatment. It can be such a lifeline when you feel like this,
take care,
love Tessx

[tina]

hello all, just wanted to thank u all for ur replys still not to good at the moment but on new medication now so tough wood, fingers crossed and all that lol.
i just wanted to say thanks for listening

[Caz Fab Pants]

Yes I can certainly agree with the broken bones comment and was thinking something very similar today. I gave up smoking almost 8weeks ago and barely give it a thought now. The first couple of weeks I would notice people on the street lighting up and notice the smell people would have at the school gate if they'd just smoked. However, these days it doesn't bother me and I just don't think about smoking at all. I just wish the same could be said for giving up the panic and anxiety, they seem to be in my thoughts 24hrs a day!!

[Meg]

Many congratulations on the smoking . Thats really fabulous.

[Caz Fab Pants]

Thank you Meg. Must admit I worried about gaining weight because in the first few weeks all I wanted to do was eat but I've only put on about 3-4lbs (so far! lol)

Finding the extra money useful and have ordered some contact lenses to try because I'm sick of wearing glasses.

Could this be the start of a whole new me!!?? Lets bloomin' hope so!

No smoking, lose the spec's, get a few new tog's and become a social butterfly who travels the world. I can dream :-)

[Meg]

Well the first two are already achieved . Well done.
Togs isn't hard and then work on the final one ... so keep dreaming - its becoming reality !

Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone