My Anxiety

[BJA1984]

I'm Ben, 28 years of age, live with my partner and our 2 year old daughter, with another baby on the way in just 6 weeks time. I suffer with Anxiety/Depression, and it's been a significant problem for the last 2 years, but noticeable for around 6 years.

Lately, the Anxiety is the most problematic. My depression seems to have lifted slowly during the last 2 years, which was my low point.

I don't work, and haven't done for 2 years (I left because the depression/anxiety stopped me doing my job properly). I'm looking for work, but seem to be struggling to find anything (which I'm sure lots of people are given the current economic climate).

The last year has seen my relationship breaking down with my partner of 9 years (although we are still together, I worry it's not going to last). With an amazing 2 year old girl, and a baby boy soon to be here, I'm scared I won't be living with them as they grow up, because my anxiety has contributed to the failure of my relationship with their mum.

I find it so hard to talk to my family (mum, dad and brother), as much as I want to be able to sit down and completely open up. They are aware I've felt bad in the past, but never aware of the severity that it was and has been. They don't seem particular supportive, although I'm sure that's because of their lack of understanding - but then I would of thought they may have researched into it in order to try and understand.

Money is so tight, with me not working. My partner is just about to go on maternity leave as the baby is here in 6 weeks time. It all feels so much.

I used to take anti-depressants a couple years ago, Citalopram initially (didn't get on with them, felt really spaced out and completely detached from everything, even more than I do anyway). Switched to ViePax XL, and felt numb to the bone with those. So I ended up coming off them completely and have coped since.

Thankfully the deep depression of two years ago seems to have lifted somewhat, although there are days I feel particularly bad. Most of my worries are with my anxiety. It stops me applying for jobs, making phone calls, going out and socialising, it's limiting my potential so much.

I've seen counsellors on and off, and for the last 4 months I've been going to counsellor which has really helped in many ways. But it feels like nothing is changing, I still have these negative, undermining thoughts about myself.

Would love to get to know other people who are going through similar situations.

Thanks for reading.

Ben.

[Tufty]

:hugs: Ben and welcome.

You have put up with not feeling right for a long time and you don't need to. Counselling is great and so is CBT but after all this time it does sound like you need more support to get you back on your feet. If you don't feel able to apply for jobs and socialise it is restricting you and you are unlikely to recover fully until you are able to do these things. I've had to look up Viapax - that's Venlafaxine which doesn't suit everyone, neither does Citalopram but it's not uncommon for people to have to try more than 2 differents drugs before finding the right one.

Go back and talk to your GP, tell him how much the anxiety is affecting you and also your relationship. Tell him about your symptoms and see what he suggests. It's difficult to talk with family and friends about anxiety and depression and often if they haven't experienced it themselves they find it hard to comprehend. It isn't because they don't care it's often the opposite, it's because they don't want to think of you suffering in such a way and also knowing there is little they can do to help. I have tried talking about it with my family, it neither helped nor hindered my recovery although now when they ask how I am, I always answer honestly.

Have you done CBT? Your statement about having negative, undermining thoughts about yourself made me wonder - what is the basis and truth in those? CBT would help you unearth those and re-write those faulty bottom lines.

Take care
Remember you are not alone but you need to get better for your family, you are loved and needed, you need to take action to get yourself well now - go see your GP again
Love Sam

[BJA1984]

Sam thanks for your reply, it is much appreciated :)

I was on each of the anti-depressants I mentioned (Citalopram and ViePax) for probably 6-9 months each, and neither I felt really helped (they numbed my feelings but to a point where I didn't care, even about making changes to get better, so when I came off them I was back to square one). I fought with myself after coming off them, thinking I had made the wrong decision, but struggled through as best I could, and that's pretty much what I've done since, struggled through.

I've not done CBT no, how is it accessed? I'm talking with my counsellor about changing thought processes, and putting a face to the anxiety, as if treating it as a seperate part of myself, and beginning to actually answer it back instead of accepting what it (Anxiety) says. I know that when I question what the Anxiety is saying, I can answer back and tell it that it's talking a completely load of rubbish, but the problem is 95% of the time I am still not even questioning it. It's become a habit, and obviously that is difficult to break. It obviously takes time, my overriding feeling is still that of immense anxiety. And recently this has extended into smaller and smaller things in life, that I wouldn't otherwise get anxious or worried about - so I can see myself how it has/is getting worse.

One thing I don't do is be completely honest when family ask me how I am. My automatic answer is "Yeah, I'm fine thanks", and that's it. The few occasions I've said "no, i feel awful", seem to have just lead to so many questions, and lead to a situation where I actually feel worse, so not saying anything has seemed the easier option.

I think much of the problem has been that my anxiety has, I think, originated from childhood, and some very difficult periods of time at around 11-12 years of age and again at 15-16 where my parents seperated. It wasn't a clean split, and there were months of going back and forth. It's been hard to recover from that. I also had a major stomach operation when I was 23 (5 years ago), which knocked me for six physically and I'm beginning to think psychologically too. Various post-op complications, it was all alot to deal with.

I've already booked myself an appointment to go and see my GP, but the earliest I can get in is the 17th April. I'm quite relunctant to go back on medication, for fear of being how I was with the first two meds I tried. But at the same time I am struggling to deal with how things are now. It's an on-going battle in my head of questions, are you doing the right thing? what if i make the wrong choice? always questions, and i rarely take the time to sit down and actually answer them. It's the self-criticism, the undermining voice, that are creating this Anxiety for me.

Sadly, the situation between myself and my partner is near critical. I think if it weren't for my little girl, and unborn little boy on the way, I would have already walked. We just seem to want different things, but again, I question whether that's my anxiety making these problems, or whether its these problems making the anxiety. Catch 22, a real cycle where each is feeding off the other.

I really appreciate your comments Sam, it's so helpful just to have a forum like this with other people who have experienced similar feelings in life. And just for someone to talk to who'll listen.

Ben.