gregcool
31-03-13, 21:12
Guys its been 9 days now since my abrupt seperation from my life and familly.Im staying with my sister and have been going to the chrises team all week.Im just strugling with the knowlege that....THIS REALLY IS IT..my life with my wife and kids as i know it, is most def over..I am strugling to find things in my day to pass all the time till bed time..there are only so many things i can do.im staying in a strange house and area.it feels like im an orfan or something.no more texing as i allways used to with my wife.all my routens and habits gone.just trying to burn time..and only got a 1 hr appt daily that gets me out of hear.
Iv never been one to like my own company for long,but am faced with this now constantly..to rebuild a life meens i have to get so much..a job.friends a home etc etc.iv left my home behind..and the thought of a life without my wife in it ,is the hardest thing to except...9 days ago i only had to worry about coping with depression and anxiety.But now i have a WHOLE IN MY LIFE AND IN MY HESRY. and depression etc to cope with on top.i dont have any friends.my wife and kids were my friends..i dont realy drink i dont smoke and have no confidence.and my agaraphobia causes me big problems...im lost im scared im sad im hurt im a failier.my wife should be happiy married with a great future ..she will one day, but not with me..this way of life could continue for weeks to come and im just strugling to see past it.and see any good for me atv47...i know this is very negetive but thats how my life is ..bleek with no color..just black and dull.my wife was my rock and i never thought she would never not be in my life...I love her more than life itself and every breath i took,was because i breathed her energy..now every breath i take,is poison..i feel lost and in a middle of a life chrisses.
I want to eather,have the desire to and guts to want to tske my life,or i want to have the will and diseir to live..im in a middle where i feel neather..just a dresm i could be dead or a dreamill wake up....i need direction i need structure i wish i could reboot like a computer and start again..Everyone arkund me that is happy and gave families makes me very jelious and lonely...im laying hear wondering how ill recover from this mess and ever feel normal or ever feel i have a life again...the summer will be hear soon and im going to feel that hard to cope with as we had so many nice plans made for us all...and ill only have this room im in to dwell on my life..we were allways busy together at weekends etc as a familly but now i have nothing....i just cant see anything worth living for . I really cant..it dosnt matter who says and what they say.i miss so badly my life and suffer so much with this shity nasty destroying long lasting,torturing,debilitating,punishing,painfull, scarry,dull,negetive.depression
Iv never been one to like my own company for long,but am faced with this now constantly..to rebuild a life meens i have to get so much..a job.friends a home etc etc.iv left my home behind..and the thought of a life without my wife in it ,is the hardest thing to except...9 days ago i only had to worry about coping with depression and anxiety.But now i have a WHOLE IN MY LIFE AND IN MY HESRY. and depression etc to cope with on top.i dont have any friends.my wife and kids were my friends..i dont realy drink i dont smoke and have no confidence.and my agaraphobia causes me big problems...im lost im scared im sad im hurt im a failier.my wife should be happiy married with a great future ..she will one day, but not with me..this way of life could continue for weeks to come and im just strugling to see past it.and see any good for me atv47...i know this is very negetive but thats how my life is ..bleek with no color..just black and dull.my wife was my rock and i never thought she would never not be in my life...I love her more than life itself and every breath i took,was because i breathed her energy..now every breath i take,is poison..i feel lost and in a middle of a life chrisses.
I want to eather,have the desire to and guts to want to tske my life,or i want to have the will and diseir to live..im in a middle where i feel neather..just a dresm i could be dead or a dreamill wake up....i need direction i need structure i wish i could reboot like a computer and start again..Everyone arkund me that is happy and gave families makes me very jelious and lonely...im laying hear wondering how ill recover from this mess and ever feel normal or ever feel i have a life again...the summer will be hear soon and im going to feel that hard to cope with as we had so many nice plans made for us all...and ill only have this room im in to dwell on my life..we were allways busy together at weekends etc as a familly but now i have nothing....i just cant see anything worth living for . I really cant..it dosnt matter who says and what they say.i miss so badly my life and suffer so much with this shity nasty destroying long lasting,torturing,debilitating,punishing,painfull, scarry,dull,negetive.depression