View Full Version : I've hidden in my room for a year
For an entire year, I have spent 23.5 hours a day hidden in my room. I only leave to eat a microwaved dinner and some cereal, and to clean my teeth at night. The most time I spend out of my room is when I have a shower once every 10 days or so.
This started a year ago, I had a bit of a breakdown after stress and anger had built up in me to breaking point. I hid away in my room, I stopped seeing my family, I stopped talking to my parents and brothers, I stopped eating dinner with them. I stopped seeing my friends, I stopped everything and I did this purposely, to hide away. By around June, I was a prisoner. I have very long hair now as I haven't cut it in a year. I weigh 8 stone when I used to weigh 11. The muscles in my legs have wasted away to the point walking is difficult.
I now have nothing left, the relationship with my family is gone. They think I'm insane and are scared to talk to me. I am completely isolated in my own mind, I go days without making a sound. At Christmas my parents called a doctor to come see me after an outburst of despair. The doctor comes to see me every two weeks, but his visits are useless.
I'm so used to being trapped in here that I don't know what to do. I have lost absolutely everything, everything I have ever worked towards, every friendship, every happy moment with my parents. I don't even look the same. How can I ever get out of here?
Having realised it had passed the one year mark that this destruction started, I decided to post here. All I want is my parents back, but they don't know how to talk to me, and I don't know how to talk to them. I cannot describe what its like. I feel a black veil hanging over me all the time. I cannot see a day where I am back sitting spending time with my parents. I picture it being too uncomfortable, faked, awkward. They think I'm mad.
Maybe I'm here for some comfort, maybe I'm here for advice, I don't know. All I want is my parents back, but I have no idea how to do it after an entire year of living inside a tiny bedroom. Everything that put me in this position is still out there, after a year they are worse, how can I possibly work to improve my existence when what put me here is still there?
Hi Willy,
It's clear that you are not insane or crazy. In fact, you sound very reasonable and aware of your situation.
From a physical point of view, your long hair or not showering much is not a problem. However, you must eat and exercise. As you said, you are losing weight and muscle strength in your legs. If this continues, you may well become confined to bed, which can be dangerous.
Can you get a step exerciser or similar to exercise your lower body? You should also work out how many calories you should be eating every day (the doctor should be able to help you to work out a daily diet).
Are you taking any medication?
Is the doctor a GP or someone with special experience in dealing with emotional problems? If not, he may be able to recommend someone who can provide more expert care.
Good luck and keep posting.
I'm sorry you're going through this, being a prisoner in your bedroom.
I wonder, could you write your parents a letter telling them you'd like to come out of your room and rebuild your relationship with them? Do you have anything to lose?
It would be a good idea to ask for a specialist mental health worker as they will have a better idea how to support you and teach you coping skills.
Willy I was not completely dis similar, however probably not quite a reclusive as you described. I got lost in my mind to a degree and the anxieties helped keep me locked in and away from the things I actually enjoyed and the people I loved. So I can empathise.
I guess you need to try and make a decision in the coming weeks / months about what you want from life, what is holding you back and decide upon a plan to 'come back to life'.
To get your parents back? My advice would be to start your life again if possible, get some counselling to lighten the load, start some form of exercise, healthy eating, and perhaps in time start some work. Actions speak louder than words.
One thing missing that you danced around is 'what put you there' - we need to know this to advise properly i.e. what made you recluse?
You need to realise a few truths, the first is you can come back from this. I know it seems like just words but I looked at people with a physical disability who would give anything to be able to 'fix' themselves but cant. The one redeeming benefit of mental issues / illness is there is ALWAYS a way back - but it can be the hardest journey you will ever have to undertake.
I am so sorry to hear of your situation.
All I will say is, where there's a will, there's a way. If you really want to get out of that room and rbuild your life again, you will be able to do it.
This will take time to overcome, maybe another year but you will be able to do it. It's amazing what humans can stand.
You have my every bit of love and hope.
little wren
02-04-13, 11:13
Hi WillyB, it is good you posted...whether for comfort or advice...it doesn't matter. Being isolated in your mind is the worst thing. It could be a good idea to talk to someone - you see the doctor every two weeks - but is he just the GP? Could you tell him that you really want to make a go of getting better now and if there are any specialists like counsellors etc that can help you take the first steps? You never know your GP and parents may have been waiting for you to reach the stage where you are ready to make changes. It's worth a go....even a small change may help so much.
MargaretHale
02-04-13, 11:16
It doesn't matter why you posted. You're here and amongst people who understand you as we've all felt the way you're feeling now.
I felt so alone befor I joined this forum, as though I was crazy and the only one who knew what it was like to want to hide, even from the people who love you.
x
I'm sorry you are not feeling well. Sounds like you are getting ready/want to make some kind of change. Baby steps, little at a time. We will all be here to cheer you on. Life is worth living. The Doctor that is coming to visit you, can you ask for some kind of therapy. I think it would help you so much. I am truly sorry you are feeling so bad, and I am glad you are here with us. :hugs:
Today is a new day and a perfect opportunity to start making some positive changes. As others have mentioned, from what you wrote you appear to be perfectly sane. Do you live with your parents? If you do start by making a little bit of contact with them during the time of day you feel the most comfortable. I know that leaving the comfort of you bedroom will feel uncomfortable at first but you can get past this. I hope you will continue to post to the forum. There's a free Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that was posted in this forum called CBT 4 panic that you might find helpful. :hugs:
Laura
For an entire year, I have spent 23.5 hours a day hidden in my room. I only leave to eat a microwaved dinner and some cereal, and to clean my teeth at night. The most time I spend out of my room is when I have a shower once every 10 days or so.
This started a year ago, I had a bit of a breakdown after stress and anger had built up in me to breaking point. I hid away in my room, I stopped seeing my family, I stopped talking to my parents and brothers, I stopped eating dinner with them. I stopped seeing my friends, I stopped everything and I did this purposely, to hide away. By around June, I was a prisoner. I have very long hair now as I haven't cut it in a year. I weigh 8 stone when I used to weigh 11. The muscles in my legs have wasted away to the point walking is difficult.
I now have nothing left, the relationship with my family is gone. They think I'm insane and are scared to talk to me. I am completely isolated in my own mind, I go days without making a sound. At Christmas my parents called a doctor to come see me after an outburst of despair. The doctor comes to see me every two weeks, but his visits are useless.
I'm so used to being trapped in here that I don't know what to do. I have lost absolutely everything, everything I have ever worked towards, every friendship, every happy moment with my parents. I don't even look the same. How can I ever get out of here?
Having realised it had passed the one year mark that this destruction started, I decided to post here. All I want is my parents back, but they don't know how to talk to me, and I don't know how to talk to them. I cannot describe what its like. I feel a black veil hanging over me all the time. I cannot see a day where I am back sitting spending time with my parents. I picture it being too uncomfortable, faked, awkward. They think I'm mad.
Maybe I'm here for some comfort, maybe I'm here for advice, I don't know. All I want is my parents back, but I have no idea how to do it after an entire year of living inside a tiny bedroom. Everything that put me in this position is still out there, after a year they are worse, how can I possibly work to improve my existence when what put me here is still there?
Hi Willy, there has been some brilliant advice posted here already, I echo what everyone else has said!
Your parents are probably longing for you to talk to them about what is going on, they can't begin to understand until you open up to them. Try writing them a letter, it could be your first step on the road to recovery :hugs:
Hello Willy
Judging by your post of a year ago you must now be 21 and it appears there is an issue with your younger brother,yet your dad doesn't seem to do much about it, so I am assuming you still live at home (if that is not the case I apologise).
I have to say if that is the case you parents or your Dad alone have a lot to answer for, to find you in the condition that you describe yourself in right now.
You need help and if your GP is seeing you on a fortnightly basis he must surely realise the condition you are in and the atmosphere in your home.
I like others would like you to expand on your initial post so that we might advise the best course of action.
Hello, I want to say thank you for all the responses I have received so quickly. Every one of them have made some impact on me, I'll try respond to everything you have mentioned.
The issues I dodged around are too great in number to list, and really, too pathetic for me to admit. Most people would be able to cope with the things that have put me in this position just fine. Some key things that happened, which I have been reminded of by reading my old posts are as follows. I spent over a year in a dead end University course, which I eventually quit as the stressesit brought were too great on me. That was the start of my reclusive behaviour I think, I left so I could get away to the safety of my home. From there I was and still am plagued with guilt. I was given temporary employment in a factory, but had to quit after 2 weeks, I just couldn't handle the stresses. During the two weeks I had started compulsively pulling facial hair out and still do. From there my family situation became worse, I was filled with anger and hatred towards my brother. I think this, as pathetic a reason it is, is what really put me where I am.
Admitting this isn't easy, I still feel I am in denial of it. I have let my feelings towards my brother put me here. I hide in my room so I don't have to see or hear him.
my parents are not to blame for me being like this, I have ruined their lives. They have tried everything to get me out of here, to talk to them. I cannot tell you have utterly ashamed I am of myself. My GP wanted me to see a psychiatrist the moment he saw me, but I refused. He still wants me to speak to someone, but again I refuse, telling him truthfully that I won't be able to say any more to them than I have he. I know exactly what they will try with me, what they will say, I've heard it all before. They will recommend me to do things, that I simply will not do.
I have thought about writing to my parents, but the effects it would produce would be too much for me to handle so soon. I feel like I want to take things extremely slowly to avoid things changing too fast, only to be set back equally as quick. And all the while I feel devastated that things will never be the same, they will never look at me as they used to.
Today I hugged my Dad when he came in and said I love him. I don't know how I did it. My mother is staying with my Grandmother for a week, and I have managed to respond to one of her emails. This is the most communication I have had with them in over 6 months. It feels unreal and futile. I look at the road ahead at 'recovery' and it seems endless, with so many hurdles.
I'm stubborn, for some reason I don't even want to try. I think of things that I'd like to do, but its as if these dreams and desires are behind a brick wall. I don't believe I am depressed, I have just given up. Sometimes I can smile, perhaps a funny memory, perhaps I see something funny whilst I'm on my computer, and I can even laugh, silently. So why if I can do these things, have I purposely destroyed my life and those of my parents?
I get angry, so very angry and people, my family for silly things. I brood over things for hours. I am a terrible person, sometimes I punish myself to punish those that love me. Its so difficult to admit these things, Some I cannot even write here, perhaps I should write them to myself. I don't feel I deserve the time you are taking to respond to me, I feel like a real villain.
Oh no willy you do deserve to be able to open up here. We all have our own issues here hon. You do deserve a better life, and to be able to function. I know right now you feel like therapy would not help you, but it really can, just give it a little chance, just try please. Your family loves you, and I can tell you love them. It is good to get your feelings out, you don't have to go through this alone anymore, you have all of us, and no one person will judge you here. I hope you find the strength to feel better soon. :hugs:So proud you were able to hug Dad today, that is a great start.
theharvestmouse
02-04-13, 22:22
It's possible to change things, you sound like you know that this can't go on and that you are willing to take the steps needed to change life for the better. I also learned that hate and resentment only go to destroy the person who's hating and not the person who may have done things in order to fuel animosity towards them.
Maybe this is the first step for you, coming on here and posting this thread, there must still be some feeling in you that makes you want to change things. There is support out there that can help you, I suppose this biggest thing is that you have to want to get out of this cycle you are in.
Willy, there is so much that I would like to say to you, that I don't know where to start. But in simple terms your latest post is brilliant. Considering how little communication you have had with others for the last year, I feel you express yourself very well.
What an amazing moment that must have been for you to hug your dad and to tell him you love him. In anyone's lifetime, to share a moment like that is very special indeed. For you it is, well truly brilliant that you did that. Perhaps the reason you did it is because you do want more from life than the four walls that have effectively become your prison.
In many respects, we all live in prisons. Prisons of depression perhaps, where we live within the constraints of the illness, with it stopping us from enjoying things we previously found interesting & fulfilling. That the illness slowly but surely closes in around us without us seeing it coming.
Clearly for some people such as yourself, there is a sudden change in the balance of life and going beyond your safety zone becomes almost impossible. For many others, including me, the change is less dramatic & comes over time. Your enthusiasm for life slowly ebbs away until your energy levels feel so low that functioning in a normal day to day routine seems like climbing a mountain.
Whichever path leads us to living within a prison of depression, there is work to be done to shed the awful cloud & heavy weight that presses upon us. Each of us In our own way need to reach a point where we realise we have had enough of this unhappy & emotionally sapping & painful existence. Perhaps this is where you are at now. You want things to change.
Like most other people with an illness such as depression, once we realise what is happening, even though we are aware of the situation & perhaps some ways in which we would like to change things for the better.... The bit that none of us know is... How to go about changing it.
Ok, so thus far you haven't been ready to see a psychiatrist. That's ok. You can change that situation when you feel ready. Maybe you can discuss with your doctor what types of help are available.
I recall when I realised I was very deeply depressed that I hadn't a clue what to do to get myself better. It was a bit of a shock to be honest. My doctor referred me for CBT. I'd never heard of it. I remember the first time I saw my therapist I said "I don't know what I'm doing here.... There are people far worse off than me. I don't know why I can't just snap my fingers & be better again, but I don't know what the answer is". She said that if I knew the answer, lots of other people would like to know what it is as well.
But that's just it. There isn't necessarily a specific answer to why we end up depressed or with other illnesses of the mind. There's is no specific solution either.
There's a couple of things you said that struck me. For one describing some of the issues you have as being too pathetic to admit. Well, I have to say that I too (& I am certain many, many people here on NMP) feel their issues are hard to admit to & also they feel silly, pathetic, like a idiot.... But really I am none of those things. Nobody on NMP is one of those things.Most importantly YOU are none if those things. It's so easy to label ourselves in this way. It's all part of depression & what goes with it.
At the moment you have issues to deal with. Well you can slowly plug away & gradually break free from this horrible, constrictive dark place you find yourself in. Even within the scope of your own four walls, progress can be made. Progress HAS been made.
You have reached out. We, people on NMP are hearing you & reaching back.
Sending warmth, understanding & support. You are not alone. We are here. I am here.
I am so pleased you were able to respond to your mum's email. That is a huge achievement. I relate to why you might describe your efforts as futile. But really they are not. It is so hard to take on board what you have achieved with your parents today but believe me you have made a major step forward.
You have successfully cleared one of the hurdles that you mention. Yes you have a journey to embark on now, Willy. It'll be up & down. I am familiar with that journey as I have been on it myself. It's hard work but I can assure you it is all worth it.
You can, with the help of others rediscover the things that make life feel wholesome. You can again rebuild a strong bond with your parents. For them the way you reached today will have been a sign that the situation can Improve.
I am so pleased you are posting here, Willy because as you will have already discovered, there are some lovely supportive people only too glad to share their experiences & suggestions with you.
Bye for now my friend & again I am so pleased you took those steps with your parents today xXx
PanickyMe, Harvestmouse, and Tessar, Thank you for your lovely replies.
Tessar, you mention safety zones, this is exactly what my room is. When I am out of it, perhaps eating my dinner or brushing my teeth and something gets to me, the first thing I think about is that when I run back to my room it won't feel as bad. As soon as I open my door and step onto the landing, I feel so uncomfortable and vulnerable, dreading that I'll be seen by someone. I don't get up until late in the afternoon and I don't get to sleep until it gets light now. I prefer the night, I can sit in my room knowing I won't hear any noise and won't bump into anyone. I feel calmer. When people are around during the day, that's when I feel most guilt and distress, when they go off to bed, its as if the day just stops and those worries about my family subside. Its strange.
I saw this coming, somehow I knew something like this was going to happen, I could have stopped it but instead it seems I encouraged it. I just wanted to hide away. After months and months of willingly doing so, things seemed to take a turn. I realised that I had put myself here, and now the despair of not being able to get out again hits me. I've essentially dug a giant hole and forgot to bring a ladder with me. That's the best way I can describe it.
My GP gave me some Anti-depressants months ago which I haven't touched, only during his last visit did I even consider taking them or something else. The reason I don't want to take them is because I know they might make me 'feel' better slightly, but it won't change the causes of why I am here. And I don't want to be feeling 'better' when things are still like this if that makes any sense. There's the chance that taking them will lift my mood and be able to give me a push to take some steps to stop this, but it just wouldn't feel right. I said I was stubborn and you can see it here, and in truth I'm somewhat scared of taking them.
As for therapy, I had a course of CBT for intrusive and obsessive thoughts I was plagued with starting in 2009. It helped in some ways, but overall I just didn't have the concentration and perseverance to get as much as I could out of it. My life gradually picked up with the help of it, this isn't the first time I have become a recluse and hidden away, but the causes are much more different. Perhaps I might get further with just a talking therapy, but I have the same views on it as I do the medication. And what if I do take medication and do therapy and it doesn't help? The thought of that fills me with dread.
Posting here has stirred up feelings in me. Reading the replies I have received, they make so much sense and relate to me fully. Sometimes I feel as though I could walk out of my room, talk normally, act normally as if nothing had happened. I might go as far to say, I could do this. But I don't want to, it feels like admitting defeat. Maybe that's it, I have been defeated, the wars over and now I need to rebuild.
little wren
03-04-13, 09:12
WillyB I read through some of your posts last night to try and get a perspective of where you're coming from.
It does sound like a battlefield with your brother. If he is 18/19 is he going away to university/digs with friends etc? Remember he will not be living at home forever - you will not have to live with this person forever.
Are you on benefits now? Maybe having a bit of financial independence may help. Give you a sense of having some control over your life.
I bet a lot of people on here feel 'guilt' that they got ill when others would have just got on with it...a helluva lot. Adding guilt to your worries is a self-defeating task. It cuts to the quick - have you ever noticed how people who want you to feel bad about yourself start piling the guilt onto you?
You say if you get referred on they will say the same old thing and you won't be able to carry out what they say...and that will make you feel worse. CBT may not be right for you (as it is about tasks) at the moment - but some therapies are just about talking - the way you are here - just hearing it out there - just telling someone who is trained to listen without judgement. I hope things improve for you.
little wren x
Maybe that's it, I have been defeated, the wars over and now I need to rebuild.
Willy, I've been seeing my counsellor for nearly a year.... you wont believe it but you sum up where I'm at now..... I feel like I dont want to give "it" up.... i.e., my depression. Maybe because it's familiar I dont know. But I'm going to do it. I'm so glad everyones replies are helping you, including mine, its really good to know that thanks.
Hi, Little Wren
I don't think my brother will be moving out any time soon. I often think about what it would be like to live on my own. I honestly think I wouldn't be like this, I would be free. But at the same time, this is my home, I have lived here my whole life, I know every crack in the ceiling, every creak the floorboards make. I feel so sad thinking of losing this home although I have essentially lost it already being surrounded by only four walls.
Responding to some other things that were suggested such as writing a letter to my parents, I have thought of this myself, and my mother even suggested it. I could write out everything I think and feel, I'd leave a lot out as I just cannot tell them some truths. I just can't imagine handing it to them, it would really be a point of no return.
I've written a list of some things I am going to try do this month, and then 2 months after that. I wrote it when I couldn't sleep, being too distraught. I don't know if I'll manage much of it, I went to sleep feeling quite enthusiastic to waking up thinking it was a stupid idea.
Tessar, with regards to what you mentioned about not wanting to give depression up, is it a feeling simply not 'wanting' to? I can't really explain myself why I feel this way. Perhaps like you this is just familiar to me now, but I can't help but think it will be too embarrassing and shameful to show that I am 'improving', I don't want to face those changes, but if I could snap my fingers and be back to being happy with my parents, I would. What a mess I am, reading what I have written shows how stupid I am being.
I just want everyone who has responded to me to know I have read their posts at least 4 times over, every one of them matters so much to me.
Dear Willy, I think that your goals for 1 month, or 2 months, or even 6 months, from now are not stupid at all. The fact that you might be able to think about setting a goal as bad as you feel right now is awesome. I am really glad you are here with us, and that you do not have to go through this alone. :hugs:
My GP gave me some Anti-depressants months ago which I haven't touched, only during his last visit did I even consider taking them or something else. The reason I don't want to take them is because I know they might make me 'feel' better slightly, but it won't change the causes of why I am here. And I don't want to be feeling 'better' when things are still like this if that makes any sense. There's the chance that taking them will lift my mood and be able to give me a push to take some steps to stop this, but it just wouldn't feel right. I said I was stubborn and you can see it here, and in truth I'm somewhat scared of taking them.
As for therapy, I had a course of CBT for intrusive and obsessive thoughts I was plagued with starting in 2009. It helped in some ways, but overall I just didn't have the concentration and perseverance to get as much as I could out of it. My life gradually picked up with the help of it, this isn't the first time I have become a recluse and hidden away, but the causes are much more different. Perhaps I might get further with just a talking therapy, but I have the same views on it as I do the medication. And what if I do take medication and do therapy and it doesn't help? The thought of that fills me with dread.
Have you considered that the real cause of why you are here isn't certain events, but rather the chemicals in your brain making you feel like that? It isn't healthy to feel the guilt you are feeling for these events, whatever they are and the anti-depressants will help you see this. One of the hardest things to realise, whether your anxious or depressed, is that what you think about yourself is completely irrational. Your family want to help you, but they can't because you won't help yourself. You won't help yourself because you're trying to punish yourself for they way you have behaved in the past. This is the worst thing you can do. From the outside, your family will view you as being selfish - I can guarantee that is what they think, because if they haven't been through it themselves they will perceive it as selfishness. What is really is is that you don't know how to feel different - you don't have the coping skills to behave differently. This is when CBT comes in - it opens your mind to see things from a different angle. It doesn't work or not work, it just gives you different options and makes it easy for you to take them. My philosophy is if you keep reacting the same way to the same things, things are never going to change, it's when you start to make positive changes that you will start to see a difference.
Seriously, read some Buddhist quotes/sayings - they are awesome for getting you see things from another perspective. Nothing is as final as you are telling yourself - remember your mind is being irrational at the moment and isn't telling you the truth about your situation. That's not to say that you as a person are irrational, you quite obviously aren't, but the thought patterns you have got into really are. It is not true that you deserve this, or that you can't get out of it. Everyone who knows you wants you to be free of this, everyone on here wants you to be happy, you are the only one who doesn't - who's the irrational one? Keep challanging those thoughts you are having because they are all completely useless and unhelpful.
Number one - start taking the drugs and keep seeing your doctor.
Number two - start some CBT therapy.
These are the things that will make you better. You are depressed and your thoughts are telling you lies about yourself and how you should feel. It is classic depression you are suffering from, not some universal truth you have learnt about yourself.
You could also try some modules on this website as a start - maybe the back from the bluez one would be a good place to start: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm
I really hope you start on the journey of changing your life for the better. It is your responsibility to look after yourself and be kind to yourself and accept that the only way you are going to feel better is to start to make changes. And I agree, they should be very small changes - don't overwhelm yourself, even if it's just to start popping that pill every day.
Hi Willy. I'm wondering how you are doing?
Hi Tessar, not much has happened since I last posted, still following the routine. I haven't managed to speak to my parents again. My doctor came today, just had to tell him the same things I always do.
Lilharry thank you for your post, I'll have a read of some Buddhist quotes, its something that has interested me but I've never really looked into it deeply.
Perhaps change will come, Willy, when you are ready. Until then, you can explore things such as the Buddhist quotes. It is interesting because sometimes when I have been looking up articles and information about the things that bother me, Buddhism was something that seemed to crop up quite often.
Sometimes you can't just force things to go the way that you want, it is a case of knowing when the time is right for you to reach out, such as you did with the email to your mum and when hugging your dad.
There may be times when to improve, that being outside your comfort zone will become necessary, but at your pace.
I know when I see my counsellor, even though we have a really good bond and get on well, at times I just want to run away, to escape her room. But that's I suppose because of the things we explore together. I am learning to tolerate change in my life, to feel better about myself. I feel this will mean I can be at one with myself and not feel "watched all the time".
Actually, I suppose we all live in our own bubble. Rather like our mind is a bubble. When I am concentrating at work, even though its an open plan office and busy at times with lots of people, I am so absorbed in what I am doing that I am less aware of my surroundings and the goings on around me.
If I were to apply that more generally to life, then I actually deliberately focus away from the world at large. I don't want to absorb negatives around me so I try to focus on the better side of life and the world we live in.
So my bubble is a bit bigger than yours at the moment and perhaps I can venture further afield before I start to feel uncomfortable. I think we all have our limitations. I guess one day, as I say.... When you feel ready, you could begin to expand your bubble. It might just be tolerating a few more minutes of time outside your room. It might be again reaching out to one of your parents, but all in good time.
I can see a time for you when maybe you will feel ready. It could be like starting afresh. Having new relationships with your parents for example. Maybe a new you even.
My experiences of counselling at the moment are rather like this and it is a new me I am getting to know. I'm doing alot of self-talking, aimed at chipping away at old negative messages left behind from bad things in my past. Now I am finally seeing how it is me, repeating those old messages to myself that keeps me from venturing out at times. I am looking forward to finally relaxing in the mind of "new me" but it's going to happen.
Before you became so depressed, were there any particular areas of interest you had in life? I don't know, like maybe natural history, or pets, animals generally, birds. Sport or other ways of relaxing?
At the moment I would like to get out and start cycling again as it used to be a passion of mine. I like playing the piano too. I would like to get back into doing these things. Do you ever have a fancy for restarting a loved hobby or maybe even wonder about trying something new?
It's hard to find the motivation sometimes but I am starting to make inroads into it.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you sometime soon.
Oh it just went through my mind I wondered if you are into music or maybe word games, maths things like sudoku or anything?
Bye for now...!!
Hi WillyB, thank you for being so honest in your posts. There is one important thing missing though - you don't list why you feel the way you do. Knowing how you feel is important, but only if it leads you to understand what's causing it.
Your behaviour is avoidant and your thought process is also avoidant. I think you create a negative future as another tool of avoidance - if you know it's going to be terrible, you feel like you're allowed to avoid it. Therefore, avoidance is at the heart of your problems. Depression is probably just the result of years of hiding away, physically and mentally.
Rather than worrying about depression or whatnot, it seems that we should identify why you are avoiding certain people and situations. The "whys" are your beliefs. As I am preaching all the time here now, our beliefs are how we see ourselves and the world around us. We must replace negative beliefs with positive ones.
Once we know why you believe the things you do, we can then look at challenging them. The easiest way to do that is to ask those perennial questions - "Why?" and "So what? What's the worst that can happen?"
Writing that matter of factly might make you think I underestimate the situation. I don't at all. I know the amazing power of the mind - it works for good or ill, but at the end of the day it is always, always our choice. The only time our choices are taken away are if we're chained up. Your chains are only thoughts. You're not wearing shackles, they're just a hologram that look like shackles. You even said you live inside your own head. This is another form of self-imposed confinement. You think you're safe in chains, but you're not; you must face the things you fear if you want to move on from where you are now.
---------- Post added at 22:32 ---------- Previous post was at 21:46 ----------
I've been giving your situation some thought.
I don't think your problems stem from depression. Depression is just a natural side effect of the situation, as I mentioned earlier.
I think you may be suffering from a severe form of social phobia. The evidence is:
* You already know that you are hiding from specific people.
* You hide from people in such a manner that it is impossible to live a "normal" life or indulge in activities.
* You stay quiet for long periods of time. In social anxiety, this is avoidant behaviour designed to protect you from drawing criticism or being embarrassed. This is also depressive behaviour, but social anxiety "fits" better, because people who don't speak when depressed feel their opinions are worthless, or their thinking is too confused or fragmented, or they simply cannot summon the energy to talk. If you get like this, it is likely due to poor nutrition, lack of any kind of exercise and limited access to sunlight - you are denying yourself the basic requirements for all living organisms.
* The only situations you express a fear of are social situations involving specific people.
* While part of you does not want to see your family, a part of you does - you need them to know you love them, and you need to know they love you.
* This is creating a conflict inside yourself which you have not been able to resolve. It seems logical (captain) that such a conflict creates confusion, bewilderment, frustration, fear, anger, guilt, low mood and distress.
* Failure to look after your personal hygeine is a symptom of depression, but maybe it is a subconscious attempt to deter people from being near you, or deterring you from being near them. If you are not doing this consciously, you may be doing it unconsciously. If you believe that your subconscious is not capable of doing this without your command, you underestimate the vast power of the subconscious mind.
There's a principle called Occam's Razor which states that the truth is normally the outcome that makes the fewest assumptions. In plain English, it requires few or no assumptions to state that your symptoms are probably caused by severe social phobia. I can't think of any problems with this theory.
It requires several assumptions to state your behaviour is caused by depression, mainly because we have to assume depression causes social phobia. I can think of at least three problems with this theory. EDIT: Number one being, it's b******s. I've never heard of depression causing social phobia.
I can't help much, but I'm exactly where you are right now. You're not alone. :hugs:
Hey raindrops. i feel maybe you will have helped just by responding. Even though circumstances differ from person to person on NMP, there is always a feeling that we are here for each other. Sometimes just knowing you aren't alone is enough to make a difference to somebody.
Hi, I just want to apologise for not replying sooner. A reason for that is one you have brought up PsychoPoet - Avoidance.
Everything you wrote there made near perfect sense in explaining my current state. The shackles are protecting me, its as if I dream of one day being free, yet in the back of my head I am certain these chains are on for good, and so I don't let myself even attempt to get free.
With regards to avoidance, my past is certainly full of it. From a very early age, I would just want to be alone, trying to make friends and be social was a chore for me, but its not that I didn't want it. I remember how worried my mother would get about me as a young child as I never had friends or attempted to make them. I made friends eventually, there was a long period in my life that I was like most other kids. But again, I've always preferred to be on my own in most situations, I enjoy the solitude. I could only bare my close friends before this got so bad. Other people made me feel far too uncomfortable, self concious and everything else that might be listed under 'Social anxiety'.
And you are right, I'm not here because of depression, which is what my parents think. I am here because of other reasons, the avoidance. I avoid people, particularly my family to avoid stresses and triggers of anger. Perhaps anger is my biggest problem. I constantly brood over other people, how could they do this or that and not think of this and this and him and her. I simply don't like people I think, and it surprises me to say that. I recall the confusion I got when someone once said that to me.
My family were the predators I wanted to hide from, so I retreated into my room. And since I could not get past my family, I couldn't get to the two friends I could actually feel remotely comfortable around. And because of this avoidance, the irreparable destruction it has caused, has in turn turned me into a very bitter person.
I could go on and on with what must be my social anxiety, but I don't think there is much need. All I will say about it is that it wasn't bad enough to be considered a social phobia. I would read about others with social anxiety which made me realise I coped better than a lot. I could go out, I could have a lot of fun with people even with it being somewhat difficult - Alcohol 'helped' me there. Lots of it.
Why am I really in this position? Its still hard for me to answer. Stubbornness, anger, bleak views of everything I see and foresee. I have always been a very negative person, I've lost count of how many times people have said that to me, its what I'm known for.
Tessar, there are things I enjoyed doing and still do what I can. I enjoyed history which I can still about manage to force myself to study in my room. Computer games of course, they seem to be a favourite among people like myself. But its to difficult for me to actually enjoy these things now. I didn't have many hobbies, I longed for some but didn't have the drive to find them. I dream of going rock climbing and mountain climbing, getting away and seeing places, all by myself so I can actually take it in. I love cats too, last may one of my cats was put down which set me back, and only a few weeks ago my last cat was suddenly taken from me after 7 years. He was my best friend, he was always there and I didn't have to talk or do anything, we kept each other company. It still hurts me when I think of holding him, feeling his paws and playing with his cold ears.
Its 5am now, I've been awake for so long I'm not sure how I wrote so much. Thank you for your posts, you explain myself better than I could, its like several light switches have just flicked on.
Oh Willy. I am so sorry. I'm reading your post and hearing everything you say. I feel it too. I just want to come and help you. To encourage you to take maybe a few of those early steps, I'd willingly hold your hand while you take them. What really struck me was the immense frustration you are feeling. Effectively Locked away, with your family unwittingly acting as your keepers.
You know, my family weren't exactly kind to me at times. I did bear them alot of resentment. Until the last few years, I had carried, mostly hidden away, feelings of anger, hurt & possibly worst, the feeling my family held me back in life. Almost like I didn't get encouragement to be me. That any time I showed a little spark of joy in life & how great it was to explore, to discover new exciting things & better myself, i had to be shot down.
My parents in particular made me feel smothered almost suffocated at times. My mother especially seemed bothered if I showed signs of growing in confidence, developing my own style, just being me. So I felt pushed back. I did eventually break free from their grasp but it took a long time. They didn't mean to be like it, I think they were just nervous somehow.
And your best friend, your beloved cat. There are many cat-people on this site, I'm one of them. As pet owners, we know and will certainly relate to the loss you will have suffered. And so suddenly too. That is just so hard to take. I am so sorry this had to happen to you & I so appreciate from how you describe your lovely feline friend that he was special and very important to you.
We lost our lovely cat about 14 months ago after getting her several years ago as a rescue cat. We got her just when I was first diagnosed with depression and started therapy. She was very scared and shy but came out of her shell. She was incredibly loving and she seemed to come on a journey with us just at the same time as I did my hardest work in therapy. We had such a bond it was awful when she became old & she died. She was my true friend. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always had a special friend, my cat. They just understand your needs. As you say, they keep you company.
On a more positive note, i am pleased to say that in time we felt able to replace her and now We have a new companion: a 2 year old female cat (also a rescue) she is young & full of life.
Something else that really struck me, was how you said about rock climbing, mountain climbing & exploring places..... "All by myself so I can take it in". There's a thing that happens to me where it feels like I can't learn about anything new, it's too late now. There's no point..... and all because when I did try leaning anything new or show an interest, there was always someone there interfering, or poking fun. So in the end, well I just gave up. In many respects, this has held me back in life as Unfortunately even though that was years ago, that sensation of it being too late sticks with me even though I know it's not too late. I do relate to the feeling of wanting to do it on your own so you can take it in. That makes alot of sense to me.
Willy, I shall check in again to see how you are, but I will be thinking about you in the meantime. Chin up my friend if you can. My cat is curled up next to me now and she sends you special kitty cuddles to cheer you up.
blue October
20-04-13, 23:42
:hugs:
Thanks for sharing your story WillyB.
Hi, sorry for the late reply again
Tessar your comfort is invaluable to me, I feel such warmth reading your post. I've read it and others several times already, I find that reading these before I go to bed helps settle me down and lift my mood slightly. You mention that every time you showed interest in new things that you felt like you were shot down or held back by your family. I feel same way sometimes, but most of the shooting down seemed to come from within, I held myself back and said I couldn't do that. You say you know its not too late to learn new things, so you know it can be done. I'd so love for you to be able to do that, I imagine you would be so proud of yourself and so would the people that love you. Mountains, and nature in general is always on my mind, I very rarely even go outside, only recently have I opened my window, and the sounds and smells that I sense have never had such an effect on me.
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your cat, some people may just think they are animals and that's it, but they are so much more than that to us. You did a wonderful thing in giving your cat a lovely home for the remainder of its life. Up until now there had never been a moment in my life that I didn't have a cat around. Its a very strange feeling. Sometimes I turn around in my chair expecting to see him on my bed sleeping, or catch something dark in the corner of my eye and for a very short moment I think its my cat. He would sit on my lap and keep pushing his head under my chin, its those moments I miss so much.
Thank you again for your comfort, and give your cat some 'fuss' for me
WillyB, the irony is that you're intelligent, articulate and very easy to follow. You would have no problems making friends and acquaintances in the real world. Avoidance seems to have become such a blockage that it has literally brought your existence to a halt.
My usual advice would be to "try it anyway", which in the end is the only way to overcome avoidance, but in your case you may need special help such as CBT by telephone. I think that once you are able to reduce your avoidance, you will have a long and successful life. The issue is getting you to face the things you avoid.
I would start by thinking about something lower down on the fear scale. Maybe think about going to the shop to buy a newspaper. Use this example whether you would actually want a newspaper or not. Your feelings of anxiety and nausea would probably be intense at first. This is where most people make the first mistake.
Anxiety does not keep increasing to the point of madness or breakdown. Your anxiety has a "ceiling". If you can outlast the anxiety, by continuing to think about a feared situation, you will find the anxiety starts to level off ("plateau"). It will be almost physically painful as you already know - but you should simply continue to breathe and repeat to yourself, over and over, "I am safe. I am building myself a life. I am winning; I am happy and confident." Things like that. Literally ANY positive phrases that come to mind.
During this period your negative belief system will be going apeshit. You will have horrible memories, bad thoughts, all kinds of nasty associations will pop up to scare you. This part is the equivalent of walking down a tunnel of terror in a funfair with things pulling faces, leering, screaming and reaching for you - but they cannot touch you or hurt you. You can only hurt yourself by surrendering to your own fear.
You will be acknowledging that the fear is YOURS - you have allowed it to get this bad, you have allowed it to take control - you are not going to rage or rail against anyone or anything, this is YOURS and by god you're going to see it through, because if you don't nobody will.
When anxiety plateaus, you will find that it will eventually start to dip. It will. Anxiety only has a certain strength, after that it's all smoke and mirrors. THIS is what people experience when they go through aversion therapy. They confront the things they fear over and over again until they learn that their anxiety does not climb into insanity - it can't, it is not designed this way and neither is your brain.
You will be shaking and sweating, you will be weak and glassy-eyed, but what does that mean really? You won't be on the six o'clock news with 10 million people judging you. It will just be you, stepping up and taking ownership. You will need to repeat this, your fears are too deep-seated to burn out in one go, but this technique does work.
Thank you, Willy, what you said is very kind & just what i need to hear. Even I have self-doubt and I do have fears of my own but I am working on these things. In sharing with you, it serves a dual purpose in helping me piece things together myself as well.
For me, it's really rewarding to know that what I have said to you has made a difference. It is a privilege to help you, especially since I am also gaining from it. There was a time when I felt as if my opinion was unwelcome by others. No one would listen if i tried to speak. I was made to feel like I had nothing much to offer people. But now I am beginning to realise my worth.
It's like a new beginning for me, territory unexplored. I am really grateful for your feedback & shall note it into my "positive feedback" for this week. It's another step in the right direction for me in terms of feeling better about myself.
Oh by the way, you don't ever have to apologise for a late reply. Really I guess there is no such thing as "late", not between friends anyway. People offering support & sharing friendship on NMP would understand that you (or any of us for that matter) would write back to people when they feel able. There's no point in forcing it.
I don't know about you, but I have to be "in the mood" to write freely. Sometimes I can start on a subject & feel as if I could write for hours. Other times my mind is just not free-flowing & I get stuck. I feel I write my best when my mind feels "free-flowing". Almost dream like. Actually, I do my best "reflecting" on things at times when I am very relaxed. most often when I am just waking or when I'm drifting off to sleep. I have tried using "imagery" & this works best at these times.
From what you have been writing, it is apparent to me that you do have ideas & an instinct for what would be helpful to you. For example, It is a really good idea to read the various posts before settling down to bed as I imagine this would be reassuring & comforting. Hopefully also this has afforded you a more relaxing sleep?
Some of the most basic things in life can act like foundations that you can use as a firm base to work from. When I was deep in therapy several years ago, my bed was my haven at times. When my sessions were at their "heaviest" I'd come home & take to my bed. May be for an hour or two. It made me feel safe. this is probably similar To your room being a safe place for you. We all need a safe foundation, a place from which to operate & that you know it is always there. Perhaps when you feel more adventurous, as PsychoPoet said, you could try some basic exercises that will gradually increase your tolerance to the outside world.
It makes sense to me what you say about "the shooting down seemed to come from within, I held myself back and said I couldn't do that". That's exactly what I am trying to change at the moment. The only thing stopping me move forwards is me. You're right, I do know I can learn new things. It's doing it that's the thing isn't it? Thank you for believing in me, Willy as it helps.
Did I mention I am going to do some short flights for my employers? Scary plane flights to an offshore office. I believe this will be a huge challenge to me. It's booked for a week tomorrow (weather permitting). I'd say on a scale of difficulty, it's probably the equivalent of you venturing outdoors. For me, checking in at the airport & being in a plane (twice in one day) would be like you making a short trip outside. To the end of the road and back maybe. I know I will be very nervous. I will be scared. But I also know that I will have much to gain from the experience.
If I can accomplish this I will be proud of myself. Actually part of my decision to do this is based on fear. It occurred to me that if I can do something that really tests me to the limit, then other smaller day to day things hopefully will get easier. I hope it'll help me see that in the scheme of things, so many things bothering me don't actually matter. And yes, as you said, the people that love me would also be proud. That will feel amazing I hope and a big step forwards in accepting myself.
What you said about the sounds & smells of the outside... I really struggle sometimes with being out in the beautiful countryside. There's all these amazing plants, flowers, birds singing. There's a bit of me that recognises how amazing they are but at the same time, because of things going on in my head I can't take it in. There is stuff that makes it too complicated in my mind. I try each day to admire something about nature. My office is rural so I can just find a quiet place to stand at a field edge, shut my eyes & listen to the birds. I just focus on them & nothing else. It's pretty good doing that. Maybe y'd be able to try something similar, even perhaps from your room. Just listen to sounds, allow scents to drift in.
Thank you for your comforting words about my cat, she was really special (equally as special as yours was to you). It's so good that you had such a lovely friendship with yours (just like I did with mine). They are definitely more than just animals. I was the same in that until we got our new cat, it was the first time I didn't have one, the longest period in my life. During that time I was just like you.... expecting to see her on my bed & yes, seeing something dark in the corner of my eye and for a very short moment I thinking it was her. He sounded really lovely, he obviously liked you lots. i know how it feels to miss him. He must have been very happy & it was your love that made him feel that way.
My cat is here next to me now, she's started purring as I gave her a few nice strokes. I've told her all about you. She says she likes you - especially because you like cats.
Well I must be off to bed now, but it was good to hear from you.
xXx
p.s. I haven't proof-read my message so i am hoping that predictive text won't have changed any of the words for something silly!!
Hello
PsychoPoet thank you for your wonderful support. These little tasks you suggest are something I think about quite often, just to go to the shops or walk around the block. These things were not a problem before I locked myself away, so I know I can do them. I have to go to the dentist every 2 or 3 months and I have managed to do that and it has been the only time I have left the house. Its strange though, I dread doing it, but once I step out of that door I am not 'me', I put a cloak on, I am a completely different person, a machine on auto-pilot with just enough power to get there say a few words and get back. What would be more of a task for me is to leave the house and not switch myself off. The strategy you have suggested and the difficulties you know I will face I need to do in my own home first. That walking to the shops or going around the block will be walking downstairs during the daytime and going into the lounge for a few minutes, I've only been in there 3 times this entire year, and it was so difficult. My doctor has reminded me that CBT or other talking therapy is there for the taking, I'm still deliberating.
Tessar, I'm so glad you are finding that helping me is doing the same for you, and knowing that has made me feel good too, a pleasant cycle when I'm so used to vicious ones. You are making a difference, having bottled all this up for so long and finally talking about it with understanding people like yourself and others is a great relief. I've left it for a few days again to reply, and like you I need that 'mood'. Its interesting what you've said about sometimes being able to write for hours, other times you get stuck, sometimes I will think about great things I can write, perhaps replies to people. I then set myself to actually doing it and all those sentences I pieced together in my head are gone, I imagine its what writers block is like. I check here shortly before I go to bed, and use it as a treat or a perk of sorts, leaving it for a few days gave me something to look forward to. When I go to bed I read for a short while, and then put in my earphones and listen to these nature sounds I have, Oceans, Rivers, Forests, and a recent addition, a busy motorway during a storm. These are ambient tracks that go on for 20 minutes each. I find they stop my mind going haywire which usually happens when I'm trying to sleep. You're also right about reading these posts giving me a more relaxing sleep, it winds me down and gives me something positive to reflect on as I drift off.
Getting to actually 'doing' things as you mention is certainly a problem, I can recall all sorts of tasks and goals I've set myself that I haven't followed through with. I used to write tasks down for each day and that motivated me a bit, even little things like 'take a walk'. The feeling you get from ticking it off the list is quite rewarding.
The flight you are going on sounds like a really positive adventure, You should be proud of yourself just for accepting it. I know you will get through it just fine, and just think about how you will feel after conquering something like that, I look forward to hearing about it when you have accomplished it.
I relate to what you said about not being able to take nature in, and what I think makes it worse is that in the past I've tried to force myself to take it in, which just made it worse. Its this funny disconnected feeling I get 'am I really here? Why doesn't this feel how it should?' and the moment is lost. Several years ago some muscles in my neck were slightly damaged which caused me to feel really strange all the time. It was this feeling of not being real, like I wasn't really there, as if I was watching what I saw on a television. I've read up on 'Depersonalization' and it fits what I felt perfectly. Its these feelings I still get, that what I see isn't real. After some help from an Osteopath who knew exactly what had happened this feeling went away, I think the moments I still get are more a result Depersonalization.
I've been leaving my window open a lot this week, its getting warmer but it also gives me a chance to feel that cool fresh breeze and hear the birds. I've kept myself busy with a few tasks, reading, and sorting out my music which was a bit of fun.
I'm going to bed now, the suns coming up and the birds are already awake, perhaps I won't need those nature sound tracks.
Hi WillyB,
I used to isolate my self from friends a few years back when I did not know what was happening to me. They thought I hated them which made my matters worst. I have restored my relations with my friends again. It was not easy. The most important thing to do is take very small steps to correcting the situation. You can start with a smile, then maybe a clean shave. Eat a bit more and so on. That is how it worked for me.
I really wish you the best and a relief from your symptoms.
Willy - I've been thinking about you this morning, I opened our front door & could smell the world outside. Sometimes I feel like being lazy & just staying indoors, it's tempting at the moment as I just got a new computer. But in a moment I am going to go outside to do some gardening. The scent of outdoors, trees, plants etc was beckoning me and since I didn't go outside yesterday because of putting the computer together & transferring data, I though really today I'll motivate myself in that way. I shall come back to you again soon but wanted to let you know you're in my mind.
Hi Abdul, thank you for your words of encouragement. One of my friends actually emailed me a few weeks ago which was nice, it will be a lot of effort to find the courage to see them in person.
I was also thinking about you this week Tessar, I was wondering how you managed on your business trip and flights, I hope everything went well for you.
Hi Willy, thanks for asking about my trip.... well I don't mind admitting I was exhausted but what a day; I got up at 5.30 to be certain I wasn't late. It all felt very surreal, almost like a dream. There seemed extra responsibility with doing it for work but the whole day couldnt have gone better. I was there in good time for both flights. Checking in etc was ok, all the things I thought I might mess up went well. Even being on the plane didnt phase me - I really cant believe that as we whizzed up the runway & took off, I felt less scared than I ever have on a plane. That really surprised me as I'd expected to feel very stressed, anxious & maybe even cry but I didnt. The anticipation & making sure I got myself to the right place was worse!
There's a few more details on this thread I put up: http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=134491
I still can't believe I did it & do you know what? THE FEAR OF DOING IT WAS DEFINITELY WORSE THAN DOING THE FLIGHTS - SO WHEN YOU HEAR PEOPLE SAY THAT, ACTUALLY THEY ARE RIGHT.
Its been really good sharing my success here too. I hope that if people see others taking daring steps, maybe it will spur them on to take even the first small steps towards recovery. It's really helped me challenge myself knowing that there are other people out there who share the same or similar types of fears & they were willing me on. That's why I'm very touched that you asked after me, Willy. Maybe together we can help each other? I'm more than happy to support you in taking a few small steps.
Much to my surprise, after doing this a week ago I do still feel brilliant about it. I want to be free to live my life unhindered. I even volunteered to go next week but couldnt do the day they wanted as I'm seeing my counsellor It can wait, maybe I will do the week after, who knows.
I really would encourage you, Willy, to keep going forward & regardless of whether you can barely get out of the door, as Dally suggested in my thread above, "Practice one step out of the door each day until you make it to the end of the path". You have lots of supporters here who would really love to help you (not least me of course!).
In closing, I will say that if you can do it (even a small step), from my experience this last week, the rewards really are worth taking the risk, feeling the fear but doing it anyway. And dont forget everyone here at NMP to help hold your hand on the journey up that path.
Bye for now and good to hear from you again xXx
Willy, I gave my cat a special cuddle last night and all because of you.... she really appreciated it & send special purr back.
Hi Tessar, I'm so glad to read your flight went well, you should be so proud of yourself, what a huge and brave step it must have been but you did it.
I suppose I have my own little trip coming up, I have the dentist to go to on Monday, its been many months since my last visit and was my last time out the door. Last week I finally decided to take of the pills my doctor gave me, but after a disturbed nights sleep and feeling very dizzy and sick in the morning I decided not to take another. I think however when I next see him I will ask for something I have taken before and was fine with, at least a very low dose.
I think I mentioned already, but I wrote a list of things I needed to try change. So far I haven't managed anything on it, but I think the time has come that I really need to start doing something, I've been feeling far more anxious and distressed lately and I know this will only get worse if I don't do something. I'm going to try say a few more words each day to my parents this week and see how it goes.
Thanks for giving your cat a cuddle for me, I've been looking at some pictures of my cats, its funny remembering their little habits and personalities they had.
Dear Willy B and Tessar.. Thank you both so much for writing here so openly about how you feel. Although my situation is not totally alike I can so relate to the avoidance part. I been struggling very much lately and reading your experiences helps me realise I'm not crazy. I want to let you both know you are so brave for taking the steps you take! Even though they seem like little steps they are in reality victories! Thank you for giving me hope and I so hope you both realise you are wonderful people!
Thank you owlkeeper... It's really kind of you to say these kind things and it's posts like yours that are helping me to see that I am maybe, brave & wonderful. That's seems really scary for me to type that, like I am being big-headed or something. But I suppose I can't be as I am repeating someone else's words.
I once had a rather public trick played on me because some 'friends' thought I was being big-headed about something. I didn't realise I had come across that way as I was just pleased to have finally achieved something. This was back when I was about 14 but I haven't forgotten. I am sure this contributes so me feeling down on myself. This is why I appreciate your post so much.
It's so helpful to talk about things & this site is a great place to share. There is so much we can all do to help each other. Sometimes just by being there is enough for someone, just to know someone is hearing what the are saying.
Willy, I think it's really good that your original post has been helpful not just to us but other people as well. I feel good being a part of that. You deserve to feel good because you instigated all of this interest.
Hmmmmm, good old avoidance.... There are some things I am all too good at avoiding, I genuinely don't realise I am doing it. But it has to be said that the more you look into it, the better you get at recognising the negative escape mechanisms you have developed. Then it's a case of gradually ticking one thing off & then moving on to the next one.
Tessar you are not big-headed at all! I can understand that past experiences of "friends" playing tricks on you make you feel insecure about being proud of yourself, but I think it's always good to acknowledge your good points.
Hi, sorry I haven't written here for a while. Things are much the same so I don't have much to report. I managed to get to my dentist and back. When my doctor visited last he gave me a prescription for low dosage of citalopram. I'm going to pick them up myself as it will force me to get out of the house. I also said I'd visit him instead next time, so some time this week I'm hoping I can pick up the phone and make the appointment.
My birthday passed a few days ago, it was quite a painful day as I remember my birthday last year being much the same, it is a terrible reminder how long I have been like this, having the same thoughts and stresses every single day has ground me down.
I'm glad sharing this here has been helpful for others, it saddens me that there are so many other people out there suffering from similar problems but I can remember the feelings of relief I'd get when I read about people going through the same things as myself. That might sound a bit odd but it was reassuring to know I wasn't the only one.
Hey Willy, there's never any need to apologise, its just alway good to hear from you.
Well, in some ways although you feel things are much the same & that there isnt much to report, whilst day to day matters may still be as they were, you have indeed achieved something very courageous. It must have taken a great deal of inner strength to get yourself to the dentist and back? Willy, I imagine this must have taken a fair amount of energy & willpower to do? Plus did you have all sort of thoughts running through you mind at the time? I'd be interested to know how it felt for you as those feelings, thoughts etc are key to moving on.
Really dont underestimate the achievement!! Indeed - that you are going to collect your prescription and using this as a means to force yourself to get out of the house, again just making that decision, let alone doing it, is indeed another step forward. And also talking about visiting your doctor next time this is very good. If it helps, imagine me being with you, holding your hand when you phone to make the appointment. Sometimes making the arrangement or deciding you are going to do it, is worse than doing it in the end.
And also "Happy Birthday" too! I can appreciate why it was quite a painful day. Indeed as you say it is a terrible reminder how long you have been feeling so bad. Those thoughts and stresses every single day will definitely grind you down. But if you are able to keep taking steps, albeit small ones, in the right direction then you will get there my friend.
I'm certainly with you in feeling sad how many other people out there suffering from similar problems. But just the same as you, it is a relief for me too reading about people going through the same things as myself. It doesnt sound odd because like you say it is reassuring to know you arent the only one. If anything you get a sense of belonging.
So, I shall interested to hear how you get on in relation to making an appointment to see your doctor, remember I'll be thinking about you. And also to hear about some of the thoughts or feelings behind your difficulties would be beneficial as maybe those others of us who relate to your problems might just be able to offer a little more advice and certainly continue to support you.
Belated Birthday Wishes too.... Bye for now xXx
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Honestly, I was fine going out, which confuses me. I didn't really have much fear or anxiety before leaving, it just felt like a chore which I would rather not have to do. The most difficult part was walking to the bus stop, I just hate all those cars driving past with people looking at me, I also didn't like the thought of people I know driving past. When I got to the bus stop I had to hang around for maybe 10 minutes, I didn't really like that, again it was all the cars. When I got on the relatively empty bus, I was fine. I enjoyed being on the bus, just sat there being driven along. In the dentist I was fine too, put on my fake face to pretend nothing was wrong, the strangest thing was hearing my own voice as I spoke to them. The way back was fine, and I went and sat on a bench in a quiet area for 10 minutes before I walked home.
I got home, to find my Dad stood at the door, he see's me and looks and talks to me like I have just been through something terrible. That irritates me so much, my parents treat me like a child, they have the complete wrong idea about why I am like this, not even I know why and I can say they certainly don't.
Going to the doctors might be a little different, perhaps I'm just used to the dentist as its the only time I've left the house this past year. I rang up and made the appointment, its about 2 weeks away.
I just don't know, I feel like a fraud. If I can manage going to the dentist and likely other places fine, why the hell don't I do it more? I can feel this sense of denial again, Its not easy to say, but if I didn't have my family around, perhaps if I lived alone, none of this would be a problem. Why is it that I don't want my family to see me outside my room? I could easily go outside during the day, what stops me is that I don't want them to see me. And why is this I ask. I don't really know, I think it is because if they see me doing more, going outside, they will be overjoyed and think I am all 'better', which will not be the case. So I trap myself in here to make sure they don't get that idea. Perhaps early on there was other things at work, but gradually my avoidant behaviour is continued because I don't want to change, I don't want people to see me change. I hate my room, I hate that I am sat on my chair all day. I guess I also see no point in doing these other things, Why should I start making these changes? Going through all that strenuous work to get back to where I was, which was nowhere, and now I have so much less than I used to.
I suppose we could say 'Well, why shouldn't you try do more, there is nothing to lose'
To me that seems perfectly logical, but for some reason I don't want to do it, or can't. I'm struggling to make sense here, I simply cannot explain myself because I don't know, there is just this feeling of denial, I cannot admit something to myself.
I don't think I'm depressed, at least depression is not the main thing keeping me like this. I think the depression I do get is simply because I am like this and that my life and relationships have been ruined. But why? I was thinking last night that it is possibly because of anger. I was angry, and I avoided people, my family, to avoid being angry.
Its driven me mad being like this, an entire year gone. I feel sick when I think about what I have done. My Father is old, he is in health, and he has to deal with me like this. Even if I manage to rebuild my life a little, things will never be the same between us. I have ruined what is left of our time together and I know that I will never be able to shake off this crippling guilt I feel. All of these things that have happened as a result of my avoidant behaviour are in turn making me worse. I feel so sick thinking about what has happened and what is to come. I am far more anxious lately, its not an anxiety I've experienced before, its a cold dread, despair, with 'what have I done' spinning through my head all day, thinking of everything I have ruined, all the opportunities I've lost, how I have wasted my life. I think of all the bad things I have done, all the people I have upset, and I feel this terrible need to apologise for them, even though its impossible.
It's interesting what you say, Willy, about not really having much fear or anxiety before leaving & that going out was ok.
It surprises me to hear you way that as I did think it might have made you a bit wary but it is a good thing I am sure. Even so I can see why you'd be confused.
I suppose the thing to do here is look at the facts. To look at the reality. Reality got mentioned alot when I did CBT. These days when I am stressed I remind myself to "look at the reality".
I dont know, maybe there are different issues going on depending on where you are & who you are with. I am very much like that.
I am very familiar with you saying "it just felt like a chore which I would rather not have to do" & I have heard many depressed people say similar things.
I wonder if, like me, you could be procrastinating? Someone put up an amazing link to a website that has all sorts of workbooks on it. One of them cover this subject. I read through it and it did help me see that I wasnt just being lazy, it was a sort of vicious circle I'd got into.
So would you say that the walk to the bus stop made you feel self-conscious. As from what you describe, I think that's what is going on. You know, for me, when I am feeling bad I always feel like people are looking at me. And if the people looking at me are ones that I know, that definitely makes it worse.
Something I learned when I did CBT is that when we are children, we exist within, shall we say "our own little world". our attention span doesnt go much further than from around us. We arent really aware of the bigger picture or how we fit into the world I suppose. As we grow up, we are more aware of other things and people around us. I think as an adult sometimes we are too aware of the things & people around us. We feel their attention is on us. But in reality, much of the time, the people we think who are observing us, are so caught up in their own world (like rushing to work, getting the kids to school & so on) that they arent even bothering with us being there when they drive past. Hopefully anyone driving will also be concentrating on the road! I dont know if this makes sense but I am so like it. At work sometimes I feel like everyone in the office must be aware of everything I say or do. There have been times I've walked around not wanting "to do anything stupid" or to "draw attention to myself". But feeling that way, makes it more likely to happen. My best bet is just to relax & get on with it. When you do look about you, in fact really those people are not looking. Like I say their attention is elsewhere. It takes time to realise this. You dont just suddenly make the observation. It took me along time to become less self-conscious.
It's worth thinking about how you felt on the walk out and the walk back. It appears to be an indicator that you got used to being out in "the world" & so when you came back, all was fine. So much so that you sat on a bench in a quiet area for 10 minutes. That's pretty cool you know. In itself, regardless of anything else you did, that really is good & shouldnt be overlooked in it's importance.
I like the way you described feeling fine on the relatively empty bus & being driven along too. Did you feel pretty calm at this point as it perhaps comes across that way?
I think alot of peole when they go to the dentist put on that fake face. Mind you, sometimes doing that does lead to actually feeling genuinely like nothing is wrong. I read somewhere recently about people trying to grow in self-confidence. The advice was to act confident & to believe in yourself, even if you dont feel that way. That if you keep on pretending, at some point you'll start to believe it. It does work, positive self-talk.
Funny you refer to it being strange hearing your own voice as you spoke to them. I get that sometimes. If I say something that sounds really clever or maybe comforting. It's like "did I really say that"????
But things changed for you when you got home. Perhaps I was a bit like your dad, wanting to hold a hand out to you.... to make you feel better. But in this instance you werent in need of that. I guess your dad was doing what he thought would help. But yeah, when you grow up - I'm afraid that your parents do still end up treating you like children. Mine still do it to me & I'm nearly 50! Out of interest, I have an auntie who really shows me great respect & she treats me like an adult. I often wished she was my mother. My two cousins are lucky to have her as a mother. She and my uncle brought them up to be confident & to take responsiblity in life but also to reap the benefits when they come along. To feel proud & comfortable about themselves. Oh how I wish that had been my experience. I dont know how it would have been for you growing up but I wasnt exactly treated with respect. But its up to me now to build respect for myself. Start from within.
OK, so a couple of weeks til the doctors. Yeah, it might be a little different but maybe after this positive experience it'll go ok. What is it they say "the proof is in the pudding"? I suppose we wont know til then but how would you feel about taking a walk every few days to that quiet place? You sounded at peace there. Maybe its somewhere you can go & contemplate. You'd feel more free perhaps. Not overlooked or overshadowed by your current situation of being indoors much of the time. Its only an idea, of course I wouldnt want to push you too hard but it just crossed my mind so I thought I'd mention it.
About feeling like a fraud, it wouldnt surprise me if many, many depressed or agorophobic people would say the same or similar things. Why dont you do it more? Good old denial? Hmmmn. All food for thought. Some other things you mentioned really struck a chord wtih me "if I didn't have my family around, perhaps if I lived alone, none of this would be a problem". I totally relate to that. When I was younger and living at home, my mother was a very self-conscious person. It rubbed off on me. Being around her (and my father sometimes) I felt really uneasy. Sometimes even now (after years in a steady relationship) I sometimes feel I'd be better alone. That I would take responsiblity for myself & just get on with life. Of course I dont know if I would and I'm not abut to end a solidy relationship but I relate to what you say.
Also, when you say "Why is it that I don't want my family to see me outside my room? I could easily go outside during the day, what stops me is that I don't want them to see me. And why is this I ask. I don't really know, I think it is because if they see me doing more, going outside, they will be overjoyed and think I am all 'better', which will not be the case. So I trap myself in here to make sure they don't get that idea."
Not so long back, in terms of my current depression, I was really worried that "if I got better" I'd become invisible to others again. No-one would be concerned. They'd all think I was ok. They'd stop asking. Even though I felt this way (that I didnt want everyone to think I was ok because I'm not) I have still done things that will help me get better. Its quite possible it's depression talking. In my case and maybe in yours? Again I'm not an expert, I'm sort of reflecting on what you say & trying to think about it (not too hard or I may give myself a headache!).
In a way, reading the other things you say about not wanting to change or let people to see you change; perhaps you are very conscious of what others are thinking. I am like that and I know loads of others on NMP are the same. Of course were you to change then yes your family would notice. I suppose there is no getting away form that. Hard though it is, even if there does seem no point in doing these other things, starting to make changes, going through the strenuous work to get back to where you were (which wasnt nowhere by the way - far from it) ...... how about pondering your question "Well, why shouldn't you try do more, there is nothing to lose". Perhaps this is true.
It does seem perfectly logical, but perhaps having been trapped in a small bubble, isolated from the outside world, the benefits of making all this effort are escaping you. Imagine making a new friend. Or even say, at the local park you might meet a dog walker who has a beautiful dog that you'd love to make friends with. Or even, on your walks about the place, you meet cats that you'd also like to befriend. When I used to walk to work I knew where all the lovely cats & dogs lived. I'd tailor my route to make sure I met as many of them as possible. I'd also smile at people I regularly saw along the way. Its funny but some of them felt like friends. Yet I didnt know their name. I had no idea where they lived or what job they did. But we just got smiling really. There are many other benefits but I often feel it's best to start with a few simple things & take it from there. Often when you dont specifically look for stuff, it comes along when you least expect it. But being out & about will increase the changes of finding reasons to make the effort. I do relate to this, I really do. I force myself still to take walks. To do things. Sometimes I cant be bothered but I still do it. Because its rare that if I make the effort I dont enjoy whatever it is I do. And yes there are benefits to getting stuck into things.
Actually, I think you were making sense. But you were covering alot of different issues in one hit. Its complicated isnt it? But this is an area, talking, unpicking & gradually getting there, that you can address with someone like a counsellor. Sometimes I sit there with my counsellor & talk just like you have in your post. Then somehow, suddenly something goes "ping". I make a realisation. Something else slots into place. It happesn outside my sessions too. But having somewher to air what I am thinking, even if it sounds confused - all helps. Thats why posting will hopefully help you.
I am curious. I wonder what it might be that you cannot admit to yourself. Maybe one day it'll ping into your mind. You never know. What I do know is that if you are able to gradually broaden your horizons & perhaps get out a little more, then the reasons could possibly become clearer. Like me - I took those flights for work. They really helped me sort a few things out in my mind. I am going to do the flights again this wednesday. I dont feel nervous (yet!!). I booked the flights myself this time. I've never done that before. But each time I do these things I grow as a person. In the same way you can grow. Step No. 1 was the denstist. Step No. 2 is the doctor. and so on.....
Again interesting you mention anger. That is a very strong emotion. my counsellor said something to me about when I was angry to think about what was behind it. that is was maybe something I needed to deal with. So yes, if you were (and still are) avoiding people (& family) to avoid being angry..... what might be behind that? I have felt alot of anger towards my family (I wasnt treated very well at times). It's taken years to resolve that but I had to start somewhere. We all do.
So, Willy, maybe it is an entire year gone. But if you dont mind, I would like to continue posting in an effort to help you escape this bubble you're living in. It's thought provoking to read your posts. OK, so maybe things between you and your father will never be the same. But they can certainly improve, given time. Things may seem insurmountable now but that isnt set in stone. It can change. And change for the better. Oh and crippling guilt. Wow. you keep mentioning things that I have dealt with over time. Guilt is another terribly strong emotion, one that eats away at you. That cold dread & despair about 'what have I done' .... again that can improve. Please keept talking about it on here because even if its just a bit here & a bit there, believe me it can get better. But you havent wasted your life. Perhaps you have been through a transition. One you'd rather not have been in but despite your overwhelming feelings, you have to believe me it can improve. I know that for sure because I have seen the improvement in myself and in others. It is entirely possible to redress what has happend and in time you will be able to appease your conscience. Meanwhile if you are able not to torture yourself with these thoughts that really would be a helpful thing.
I shall look forward to hearing from you again. I hope you dont mind the length of my post. I just tried to work through what you'd said. But I realise I have gone on rather alot. Dont feel you have to plough through it all really quickly or reply within any given timescale. Just when you are ready. You dont have to make any comment at all really it's just food for thought my friend.
Bye for now xXx
Hello Tessar
I think to some extent I am procrastinating, putting off making those steps, kidding myself that they will just happen, which of course won't happen if I don't try something. I did feel very self concious when I went out, but I think I've been like that for a long time, only its intensified with my avoidance. When I was on the bus I could sit in my seat and just watch the scenery go by. I felt calm, almost wishing the bus journey would take that little bit longer.
My parents brought be up very well, they have always been there for me. Part of why this feels so painful is because I've always wanted to be around them. They are so caring, so loving, I couldn't have asked for better parents. There were many rough times though, I would get so upset if I saw my parents arguing and would always fear the worst.
This feeling of denial I have is very real, I understand that depression can distort peoples thoughts, but there is definitely something there that I can't quite bring myself to accept. I think I probably already know well enough what it is, I just can't bring myself to stare it right in the face. I think a reason I feel I don't want to get better is because of all the smaller problems still waiting for me, that have been overshadowed but will regain their grip over me once I get past the tougher things. This bubble I have contained myself in almost protects me from those problems, but at the same time this bubble is doing so much damage itself. A lot of what's behind my anger is trivial and silly, these are things I should be able to deal with. I used to be able to deal with them, the same things back then didn't make me so angry so perhaps if I improve my mood they won't bother me as much. The biggest fear that's holding me back is fear of failure and falling straight back into this mess feeling worse than ever. I understand what you are saying about the benefits appearing when not specifically looking for them, I guess I just need to let things happen.
The past week or so I have been very anxious, I mentioned in my last post that crippling guilt was taking a hold of me. Well, its got worse this week, I've started remembering all the bad things I have done in my life, all the times where I have done or said things that have hurt people, annoyed people, angered people. And all the stupid things I have done that have had a bad effect on my own life, which I see as selfish and that the pain I'm going through now is deserved. I feel so ashamed, so guilty, such terrible regret for these things. A lot might seem trivial to some, but to me these things make me feel terrible shame. I can't stop thinking about them, they have been going round my head all day, I have trouble trying to sleep, and wake several times thinking about them. I feel quite sick to be honest, a pounding heart, cold flashes and sudden feelings of despair.
Last night when my Mother came in, I started talking to her. For about an hour I told her how I felt, some of my fears and my guilt,and she comforted me. She was happy that I had finally spoken so much to her. And today, I sat outside in the garden and had some tea with her, and spoke some more. I probably spoke more today to her than I have in 6 months. I have mixed emotions, pleased that I did it, but also added guilt that I haven't done it sooner.
My doctor is coming tomorrow, I had to call and ask him to come again because of this panic I have been feeling. I'm going to see if he can prescribe me anything, I've started taking the anti-depressants he gave me. I didn't collect them myself, my mother was just pleased I had decided to take them and she weren't and got them for me.
Thank you again for taking so much time to help me, you're such a lovely person. I hope you are feeling well and that you have managed your recent flight with as much courage and success as the last.
I'm sorry for writing here again but I just don't know what else to do with myself, I need to talk to someone. I think this is it, a complete breakdown has finally hit me after all this time. Since I last wrote I've been a nervous wreck, all day I have these endless guilty and repetitive thoughts. I can't sleep without waking up several times in a complete panic. I'm so scared, I don't know how to cope like this. I'm meant to be going to seeing the doctor on Monday but I think I'll be too frightened to walk out of the door. The days pass so slowly, I don't know what to do.
theharvestmouse
13-06-13, 22:35
You have to make that first step, force yourself, ask for help, tell your family that you need their support, tell them you want to change. I feel for you, I was once in a similar but less severe situation and I managed to break out of it, it was not easy, it was and still is a difficult journey but you can't begin the journey unless you make that break away from your current lifestyle.
WillyB, take comfort in the sturdiness of your surroindings. Your mind is in turmoil, but the things around you haven't changed and the world is an unchanging and steady place. Focus on outside things as much as possible. You'll be ok. At least you are getting there now. Hugs.
I'm sorry for writing here again but I just don't know what else to do with myself, I need to talk to someone. I think this is it, a complete breakdown has finally hit me after all this time. Since I last wrote I've been a nervous wreck, all day I have these endless guilty and repetitive thoughts. I can't sleep without waking up several times in a complete panic. I'm so scared, I don't know how to cope like this. I'm meant to be going to seeing the doctor on Monday but I think I'll be too frightened to walk out of the door. The days pass so slowly, I don't know what to do.
Oh no, willy, I'm so sorry thins are this bad. Erm, I am trying to think what I can d to help you. I think that the reason the thoughts are getting so bad is that for most of us, because we do manage to do day to day stuff, I suppose it distracts us even for a short while. But of case for you.... There is little to distract you.
Regarding guilt, shame and stuff like that, in all honesty I have had times when I feel very guilty. I was brought up to feel guilt and shame. It's the way my parents controlled us. Step out of line and we'll make you feel bad....l
But what's happening to you is very different. Reading your previous post, what I wonder is this. For a long time you have been shut away, not confronting what is going in for you. This is especially difficult for you since the cause or sequence of events which brought you to rarely leave your room isn't clear. If it were the. Ea,it with all of this would be easier,
Of course, now you are making early inroads into confronting the troubles. Seeing if you can u pick your issues to the point you are again able to function in the outside world.
I feel that what comes of attempting to deal with our troubles, is a whole bag of other things we were perhaps not expecting.
It reminds me if what people say when they first start therapy. They feel worse, sometimes alot worse before they feel better. This is because by raising the issues behind our problems, really does being things to a head
In your case, one of the things raising its head, is I deed feelings of guilt that you have in the way you feel your actions have perhaps affected your parents.
Willy, I am sorry I didn't come back to you sooner.... I kept meaning to.. Anyway, there's me playing the guilt game too. You see, this is what happens. E find ourselves in a situation. Without meaning to we don't resolve it. In your case.. Not getting better and finding a way to leave your room and resume life.
In my case, I kept meaning to reply but didn't quite et there in time.
You feel guilt because you wish you hadn't felt I'll and thus have out upon your parents.
I felt guilt because I feel I child have done more to help you.
Now, your parents reaction ... If they knew of your guilt.... Might be something l,e "well yes we wish you had been feeling better, of course, but you didn't get I'll on purpose, we would just like to help you get well again"
I wonder, does that make sense? Naturally the way you've been feeling will impact on them, but then probably most parents know that at some point in their lives, they will perhaps have less than good times with their children but also saying that.... Please don't forget that you will have shared good times with your parents as well. I would anticipate that they would respond similarly. That they would acknowledge they've had good times as well. Times when no doubt you made them feel proud.
Also, from what you said, clearly there were times when your parents relationship was far from good and this by the sound of things impacted on the atmosphere within your family home. As one of their children, you are not responsible for their relationship. You might have been affected by their differences but you most certainly are not responsible for them. Sadly however when parents are less than happy together, this does have an impact on their children's development, it is likely that some of the troubles you are experiencing now are directly related to this. Of curse I don't know the full facts of the matter but "reading between the lines" that's where I am being lead.
Is understandable to believe eh what lies behind your anger and thoughts might be trivial. But you know, I Di believe many, many people with depression and other conditions would believe exactly the same thing. It's so easy to write our thoughts off as trivial. To feel that what lies behind the, is small,in important, that we are weak or stupid for feeling how we do. But you aren't any of these things willy.
It would be great to come over and help you right now. To offer out a hand, to guide you through this. We're I to be there now, sitting with you,, I wonder what I would say?
Well for starters I would want to reassure you that despite the overwhelming nature if these thoughts and feelings, they will not consume you if you are able to find ways if distracting yourself, of filling your mind in a more positive or constructive way.
I wonder if you could try doing something for me? I don't know, I was wondering if there are any games you like playing or things you like doing that would help you concentrate on something other than these feelings of guilt?
I'll have another look at your posts below tomorrow and come back to you again willy.... Because I'd like to think what else might help you before Monday. Is that ok? I hope meanwhile that what I've suggested is if some help. Also, willy, something that has really helped me tremendously is writing, writing things down. Remember if you do this, it's not a test. It's not gong to be read by anyone else, it's just a way to get stuff out of your head, the notes are for you to do whatever you want with, to she'd anger, tears, rage. I've written pages if nite's before now, she'd tears while I do it, got angry . Sworn, ripped the page up. Chucked the paper to the floor.
I remember one time I got brave enough to take my writings with me and read some out to my counsellor. It was a big step forward. What had been happening was, I'd go to sessions but be noble to express myself, then this time I read out exactly what I had written, I think the depth and anger and just the words I used, were a reals hock to my counsellor. Not because what I said was wrong or shocking, moreso that she felt the person I was when writing those nite's, wasn't like the person I was presenting to her, I don't know .... It was like by reading these nite's of rage to her, she could really identify with my pain, it was a way I was able to share my deepest feelings. It was easier to write the stuff when I was alone. Reading it to her wasn't easy and you would not need to read anything to anyone, it just turned out that way for me.
I do want to come back to you again willy.... And I will check in tomorrow, please do let me know how you are and if any of this made sense,
Usually I try to read my posts back but as it's late I don't have time. So forgive me if any if this is rambling on a bit. So, see if you can finds things to do, even playing music.... That take your mind of n these thoughts, it doesn't mean you are ignoring them but it isn't healthy to let them consume your kind all of the time
So in closing, I would like to say this to you:
You are allowed a break willy so please take one.
You are allowed to feel ok and you don't have to feel bad all the time.
Be kind to yourself because you are going through difficult times and when things are not going well it is all too easy to be way too hard on ourselves.
You are a worthwhile and deserving person just like everyone else.
With the help of the right people, you can get through this. That may be hard to comprehend now but it is possible.....
Goodnight my friend and please hang in there,...... Speak again tomorrow......
xXx
How's things willy??????? Let me know..... :flowers:
Hello, I'm making it through today. I was so relieved to receive these replies, I felt so hopeless and trapped last night, and being able to read something here gave me an outlet almost. Tessar, I think you are right that the lack of distractions is making these feelings worse, and my recent 'activities' seem to reflect that. I found myself so overwhelmed sitting in my room the past few days that I have actually left it several times. I went and sat with my mother for the past two nights in the lounge. I've only been in there two or three times over the last year, two of them to see my cats put to sleep. I sat and talked to my mother last night, I managed to tell her a bit about how I've been feeling as she herself has seen a change, I gave what reasons I could for hiding away.
And today was also quite different. I sat outside for nearly two hours, under the shed roof as it rained. I don't know how I did it really, I just had to get out of my room and somewhere else. It was lovely, it felt fresh and I was kept company by our two chickens.
Harvestmouse, I feel like that first step is in process. Its like my foot wants to hit the floor but my whole body is trying to pull it back, that's how it feels. I'm happy you managed to break out of this, you're right about this lifestyle keeping my glued down, but for the first time I feel some motivation to do so.
Pancho, I think that's why going outside felt so nice today. It hadn't changed, it was like I remembered it and for those moments I could have been back in time. I think I need to try get out of this room just a little bit more.
Tessar I don't want you to feel guilty at all, you can't. You've been here for me and have spent so much time with me when you yourself have been going through stressful times, you are a lifeline, and so is everyone else who has taken the time to help me. Just seeing a quick message from you makes me feel better. And besides, making you feel guilty makes me feel guilty, lets not not let that cycle take hold, for both of us. Its funny what you think my parents might say, as that's exactly what they have said, those very words. In recent years I think my parents relationship has improved, but to be honest it was never exactly bad, at least not very bad. They've held it together, but I did and still do feel somewhat responsible for their relationship. Which I know isn't true, but I I always felt the need to make sure they kept together.
I tried writing down my thoughts a few weeks ago, well, typed. I can type far quicker than writing by hand so I just shot out what was in my head. It was a real mess, so many things coming out at once causing all sorts of emotions. Like you, it made me cry, I got angry and when I tried reading it back it was quite revealing and surprising that I'd written so much. I can't imagine being able to say some of those things to someone without reading it from paper, it might be the only way to really get across how I feel.
I'll try do something to break my concentration on these guilty feelings. They are very hard to shake off with anything, but I've found that a simple game of solitaire can help a little. I've also been listening to podcasts when I go to bed as the thoughts are often most powerful then, and during the day I listen to radio shows.
Thank you for checking in on me, I feel somewhat calmer now and I hope I can stick like this until Monday comes. Make sure you are taking care of yourself too Tessar.
hey willy, good to hear from you. i'm pleased that you have found some release from the ties of your room. that really is good progress. reading your post, I do feel that you are ready to take some of those steps and the way you describe your body pulling you back, I know exactly what you mean. for me recently, where I've been trying to do scary things (like those flights for work) it's making me feel really uncomfortable but I know in the long run it will help me see how much more I am capable of in life and what interesting or exciting things I could be doing, rather than let the ties of my past hold me back.
i'm definitely looking after myself; off for a head and shoulder massage soon. will check in again later today, meanwhile it's good to hear from you.
I don't feel guilty now!!!! I am just glad you feel a bit better and I promise - no more guilt on my part!!!! so pleased also you've been sitting in the lounge and talking to your mum as well. actually there's never any obligation for you to explain stuff to people, I recall my therapist saying to me that how much I disclose to people generally is entirely up to me. just to say what feels comfortable.
byeee for now....
Willy, I am wondering how things are today as I have read your latest posts with much interest and of course I am mindful that you have your doctor's appointment tomorrow. Perhaps you'd be able to think of this appointment as another step in the right direction. OK, it might be uncomfortable for whatever reason, but it is the best thing to do. From my experience, it has helped me to talk about what is upsetting me when I feel my worst. It isnt easy to do that - and I think you know that already. Since you found writing about things (and reading it later) quite difficult, it might take time for you to learn to trust someone and feel able to talk. In fact, it might take time working with perhaps a counsellor or therapist to actually work out what's been happening for you. But what I do feel is that it would be beneficial to have some help. There were times during therapy where I took notes with me. For whatever reason, I couldnt read them out loud so I gave them directly to my therapist to read instead. That helped because then she could see how I was feeling. I did have a tendency to play down how bad I felt. With my counsellor, she can read me very well. Most counsellor and therapist have a very good insight into the troubles we experience and they are very skilled in helping us unpick things and lead a more full life.
I found that when I did therapy (some years ago now) it opened many doors in my life. It helped me to experience things that I felt were (and always would be) beyond me. But that was the case. I have achieved many things in the last few years that I didnt believe I'd ever do. Ok, so last year I had a downturn in how I felt but having already experienced how a mental health professional can help you feel better and release your feelings and thoughts in a safe environment, that's why I started seeing a counseller. Again I found it a very positive experience an this is why I am often seen to be encouraging people on the forums here to seek the assistance of a therapist or counsellor. Indeed it is my feeling that with some help of that nature, the journey you have already begun (out of the bubble of life you've been living in) will continue and in time you could feel much better and begin experiencing the bettet side of life agian.
How you describe feeling hopeless and trapped is perhaps an indication that it is time for things to change. Not all at once of course as it is a journey over time. I really enjoyed reading your posts because there were things in there that you said which are really good. Good because they show that you are already able to reflect on things. To consider where you've been this last year, or perhaps rather where you havent been. It fascinates me how you are relating to the outside world. How you had expected the outside world to be different somehow but in actual fact - having ventured out - you are discovering it can feel familiar. I smiled when I read that you'd sat outside for nearly two hours - especially as you were kept company by your chickens. If that was me, I'd probably have talked to them. I'm like that with birds and animals. They are my friends.
I dont have children myself so I can only try to put myself in the mindset of a parent. I would feel that when you spent a couple of nights in the lounge with your mother, that probably meant the world to her. Indeed I wonder how it might have felt for you (if you dont mind me asking)? Dont forget that when it comes to explaining things to people, you are under no obligation. It is a choice you can make. All in good time, if indeed you reach a point where you want to talk to people. Personally, I haven only shared some things with my friends and family about the things that have bothered me. The person who knows most about my situation is of course my counsellor. In that respect, I have been able to say anything. Anything at all. I havent been judged. Instead I have been made to feel that I am valued and worthwhile. Indeed I have begun to learn much about myself, including the fact that I am able to relate to people and help them with their problems too. This is why the forums and my friends here are important. I have a sense of feeling valued and also I feel I belong here. At last I am finding a niche in life. Maybe, Willy, I can continue to help you in the future as well.
How good it is to hear you say "I think I need to try get out of this room just a little bit more" because having that motivation is something that will play a big part. There may be days or even hours, that you feel less inclined to push yourself. But it can be a case of two steps forward and one back... and so on. You've probably read other people's posts here where they seem to feel better and then get knocked back a bit. But that's the nature of the beast isnt it. In the end we just battle on. But it is possible for things to get better and that's worth focusing on.
Its good also that in recent years, your parents relationship has improved. It's very common I believe for children to feel responsible for things that happen in their parents relationships, or in their family generally. Even though you can acknowledge it isn't really true, it's still difficult to shake the feeling off.
That sounds like a good idea typing your thoughts. Whether it's a mess or not doesn't matter. I believe many people who go about expressing themselves in this way, really do attach to their deeper thoughts and emotions. Sometimes it can be surprising how strong everything feels. But I believe it to be therapeutic. Maybe, like me, it would be a case of reading it to a therapist from the page. I've heard of many people doing that and it has worked well. Sometimes it's not so much that you cant read it, it might just be there are so many thoughts and feeling to try and recall. I sometimes find I go rather blank in my sessions. But then we go back to where we were and then I manage to recall what I was saying.
Well, I hope you were able to find some ways of breaking your concentration on the guilty feelings. Remember that they are natural feelings that happen to many others & can be adjusted so you have a more balanced view of things. But yes, they are very hard to shake off. So, we shall see what Monday brings! A new week. Another beginning.........
We'll speak again soon my friend.
Hello Tessar, I'm such a twit. My doctors appointment wasn't today as I found out, it is tomorrow. I managed to walk in however, got through the door so perhaps I could consider it a dummy run. On the way back I thought I might as well do something so I went to a local park and sat down for a bit.
Being able to give someone a sheet of paper with all my thoughts written down I have often thought about, I imagine it would be better than me reading to them as I would be prone to skipping bits that I felt too difficult to mention. I remember when I was doing my CBT, I wanted to throw a sheet at him and run away so he could read it whilst I wasn't there. I wish I had done that, I could have got so much more from those sessions. He was a great therapist, I was sad when the therapy came to an end and I no longer got to see him. I'm unsure how much CBT helped me, in the course of it I repaired my life but with the noticeable aid of going back out into society. I had an obsession, and this particular obsession was extremely destructive. Looking back the thought was so silly, I shouldn't have cared and I reached a point where I stopped caring, and it felt great. The anxiety, panic and obsessional thoughts I have now feel just like it did back then, only this time what I worry about isn't so irrational as its things that have already happened, and may happen as a consequence. Hearing how much of a positive effect therapy has had on yourself is encouraging, I just wish I wasn't this stubborn, strange how I can notice that in myself yet feel helpless against it. CBT wasn't exactly talking about my feelings and about things that have happened to me, I would have liked some sessions dedicated to that but it was all about overcoming my obsessive thought patterns, which in itself was just as useful. But perhaps if I do seek therapy again, I should consider other forms.
Sitting outside just felt so....normal. Like I hadn't been locked away at all, which felt...strange. I've been going outside again every now and then for a short while, There are certainly more birds around than I remember, perhaps the lack of a cat has influenced that, it was nice seeing all the different kinds. Sitting in the lounge with my Mother was similar, only I felt somewhat uncomfortable. I kept wondering what she expected of me, she even said that 'this must feel strange sitting in here'. I can't really explain much about it really, just uncomfortable but easier than I thought it would be. I doubt I would be doing it if I didn't feel so anxious, that's mostly why I've been going outside and sitting in the lounge, I just need to be around someone or need to get out of my room, I'm restless. And becoming restless so quick from having been stagnant all day has been quite a shock.
I'm really glad you find this forum such a positive experience. In the past I have taken this place for granted, without realising how much I relied on it. Its no excuse but I think its because I have usually been so wound up in my own problems that I haven't considered others, which I should have tried no matter how difficult. I hope maybe I can try make up for that somehow, as hopeless as I feel now, I feel a strong need to find ways to aid people here in whatever way I can to make up for that past ignorance.
I'm going to try get to bed soon, I slept very little last night. I hope you are well, its a bit late now so you might have gone off to bed too, in which case sorry I didn't write here earlier.
Hi Willy; I did chuckle when I read your post; it's good that you can call yourself a "twit", I mean it's much better to laugh I suppose. I did it once at the dentists. I'd left work, walked up the road but then found out I was a week early. I told work it was the dentists fault!!!!
I am very impressed that you walked in and yes it is a dummy run I suppose. A good way of looking at it. maybe tomorrow it'll be a bit easier than otherwise it might have been.
As regards what type of help to opt for, perhaps talking to a counsellor is the best thing. So rather than a structured treatment like CBT, this would be more relaxed. This is how I found it with my counsellor now.
When I did therapy, I couldnt open up. In three years I didnt shed a single tear, I just couldnt face what felt like embarassment. However, seeing my counsellor I have got past this now. I do cry nearly every time I go but it has helped enormously.
So, perhaps you could look into something that would be more informal? It did help me this last year.
I have to go & eat my tea now but I look forward to hearing how you get on.
Oh, sitting out again - that has also impressed me - I am very pleased for you!!!!!!
Hello
Well I managed it, it wasn't as hard as I imagined it to be, as you have suggested before Tessar. It was the waiting room that I thought I would be scared of, but it was fairly empty and I didn't have to wait long. When I got into his office I felt quite comfortable, and talking to him was fine. I told him about my recent anxiety and thoughts, and he ran though a brief questionnaire with me which I've done before.
I finally said that I think I need to see someone, and he agreed and seemed happy I had made that decision. We spoke about whether I should do CBT again, I had worried I wouldn't be allowed it a second time but he says its not a problem. He's going to write to the mental health team, I should receive a letter about an initial appointment so there are more hurdles to come. I imagine it will be far more difficult speaking to someone else other than my usual friendly doctor. I can't help but feel...guilty, because I read so many stories from people on these forums that their mental health care is very lacking, or have huge waiting lists, or don't exist at all, and here I am with 6 months of CBT already under my belt and I'm now going to be receiving more therapy if I see this through. It just feels so unfair, I wish everyone was entitled to the help they needed.
I sat outside for a bit today, had a shower and dried my hair in the sun. About 15 months without a haircut now, its past my shoulders so it takes ages to dry usually. Dentist again tomorrow, a busy week for me.
Hope you are well
Brilliant, Willy, well done you....... And I really like the empathy you show, in being concerned about people having to wait for treatment...... You are very kind hearted. I feel that some people do get more help from their MH team than others, but if you are offered treatment.... Then you go for it!
Perhaps you could see if it's possible to have CBT that has a more sort of personal slant, such that you can offload about the past or maybe things over the last year. So that rather than just CBT that helps you become more free to go out, that also it deals with your own personal needs.
I think what I'm trying to say is.... That you do some talking as well as the more practical side of things. I wondered that would be just as beneficial as CBT? Anyway, it's just a thought.
I am just to proud if your achievement and it's lovely to hear about your achievements, hearing you say that you sat outside while your hair dried, well that is great. I wonder does it feel quite liberating to do these things? I really am enjoying your posts. Maybe there will be some hurdles for you coming up, but I suppose they are "good" ones as such because they are leading you in the right direction.
It's a bit like me doing these flights for work. the first time i did them, I was very surprised that the fear I anticipated wasn't as intense as I expected. It really was the fear of feeling scared. In reality I wasn't anywhere near as scared as I thought. I am off flying again tomorrow. It's nice knowing that I can tell people how I get on. It helps because although its me doing it and I am "alone" (except for the air crew and lots of passengers of course) I feel as if I am being helped by my friends. After all I can't advise other people to have a go and "feel the fear and do it anyway" if I'm not willing to do it myself.
Well, you'll have to let me know how you get on at the dentist, busy week indeed!!!! Who knows, maybe you'll be in the chair when I am up in the air!!
I think talking plus practical things sounds like it might be more suited to me. I remember that with CBT I sometimes just wanted to talk the whole session, but wasn't able as there were practical things that needed doing. Something he always used to ask when I entered 'We'll be about 45 minutes, is that ok?', as if I had a busy schedule and that I was there at my own expense. I wanted to tell him 'I could sit in here all day talking'.
I hope today's flight went ok for you, is it starting to get easier the more you do them? My dentist was fairly uneventful, went in, went out. I am feeling so very tired today, I have been for the past week nearly. I go to bed exhausted unable to keep my eyes open, yet I awake about 2 hours later like clockwork and start the ruminating instantly in my dazed state. The dreams/nightmares are getting pretty bad, I spend most of the time tossing and turning with a horrid repetitive dream going around. I think if it happens again I'll force myself out of bed and make some tea or something.
I've been reading Claire Weekes 'Self help for your nerves' just before bed, it gives me a little reassurance. One thing she mentions is to just let the thoughts and feelings come and 'float'. I wish I could do this, the problem I face is that I feel like I have to ruminate, obsess and brood over my worries and guilt, it seems to me that my problems are well worth constantly thinking about. Its tiring, there is a constant conversation going on in my head with myself 'I could apologise like this or that' - 'No you couldn't because this or that might happen'. She mentions that you need to solve the problem, or find a temporary compromise and stick to it for the time being. I don't seem to be able to do either, the only compromise I can find is that the damage is done and there is no way to remedy the problems. The solutions involve me owning up to my mistakes to people who are unlikely to accept my apologies or mock me or respond to me like I made the mistake too recently to be forgiven, the thought of that makes me tremor with fear and so I feel like I want to avoid it. So I see two options with two results. I apologise as best I can and face whatever rejections I get but tell myself I tried. Or, I say these things are in the past and try forget about them and hope they never resurface, which they likely will. This latter option I wont get the relief of owning up and confessing, which is what I so desperately need, or at least think I do.
Willy, my flights were good thank you. I am on holiday now for a week. But I wanted you to know I have read your post. We can catch up again when I am back but I'd love to her from you again in the meantime because even if I don't have time to reply, I'd still be here supporting you and reading your posts. How has your sleep been by the way?
Hi Tessar, hope you are having a nice holiday. My sleeping hasn't improved, it seems I only get about 2 hours before I'm wide awake. Today I got up instead of just laying in bed, made some tea and listened to some classical music in bed, was quite helpful to calm me down but I didn't sleep again. I managed to have a shower and sat with my Dad for a while.
I'll be here when you get back, relax and enjoy yourself
Willy..... I am wondering how things are going with you??? I don't know how you are in the hot weather but there's a thread in here where people struggle when the weather is good, v
Because they feel others just expect them to enjoy the good wether and get out and about just because the sun's shining,. There have been times for me when I have found it easier to make myself go out for a walk when the weather isn't that good.... Anyway, I'd love to hear from you...... By the way my holiday was a real success..... Really worth going and efforts I have been putting into being more assertive with my partner are paying off too. We just all have to keep plugging away don't we......in our own way.....
Hi Tessar, thanks for checking in on me, its nice to hear from you. I'm certainly struggling in this hot weather, hot a stuffy. I've tried to get outside a little every now and then but its a bit difficult. Like others have mentioned, I feel this pressure from others to go outside. I went to see my doctor again last Monday so that was something, and today went for a walk around the block with my mother, I haven't been around there in over a year. We had a friendly cat come up and say hello to us, it was really nice being able to stroke a cat again. I'm glad to hear your holiday was a success, I hope it gave you some time to really relax and enjoy yourself.
I'm still having trouble with these feelings of guilt and regret, its become a real obsession now, I can't stop thinking about it and its hard to see a way out of it. There is one really dumb mistake I made that I can't get over as its consequences seem so bad. What I did hasn't damaged anyone but myself, and I feel so angry I could have done it. I keep thinking of ways I can make up for this mistake, It involves me having to re-earn the respect and trust of someone important to me, but not close to me, if that makes sense. I haven't been able to tell a single person the problem and its eating me up. I don't think anyone would be able to understand or would find it silly. But what else makes me feel bad, is that these worries have taken priority, trying to fix them is pointless if I can't get out of this hole I'm in. I need to repair my relationship with my parents before I can do anything. I'm hoping that when I start seeing someone I can just pour everything out, I just don't know when that will be though.
How are you doing WillyB?
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