New member in need of reassurance

[Antonio68]

Hi everyone. My name is Antonio Have been suffering from generalised anxiety and panic disorder for few years now. I had a period where I was very well and my anxiety was under control. No panick attacks too. Unfortunately I had a big relapse last two months. I feel like I am feeling worse that when it all began few years back.
I have been to the doctor but I dont want to take any SSRI as I then panic about side effects. I have days where I feel ok but others I feel I lost sanity and I start question If I have svhzzophrenia and paranoia. This is because some of my panick attacs starts from weird thoughts ( no voices as in auditory ) I dont hear voices!! but sometimes some of my thioughts are very scary and angry too like I have a split personality. :weep: It scares me and then I start examining all of my thoughts and think and question why I think this thoughts.

I suffer from fear of not loving my partner anymore. Which its mad as I love him very much and the best thing ever happen to me. I suffer of fear of losing loved ones. I worry a great deal about their safety.

And then to top it all up I scare my self to death with mad thoughts that can be quiet morbid. And they start can you imagine if...
I respond to my thoughts with fear then and my anxiety rises and before I know iot I am in teh vortex of the panic. I feel tearful and scared and that in it self then scares me that I am emotionally instable.

I dunno if to give a try to the SSRI. What do you think? Any suggestion?

The only way I can describe some of my anxiety and the mechanism is this.

I have lots of thiughts like everyone does.. good and bad. anxierty thoughts and angry thoughts. When My anxiety is high I start to give a meaning to all these thoughts and I get transported away from them quiet helplesly. The thoughts sticks and my body tense up. My face looks like I have been hit with a criket bat and I have very dark eyes. I feel exausted and there is no place where I feel comfortable.

Whats happening to me??

As I am writing this I feel tearful. I have a good life. An amazing partner. A good home and a good job. I want to live my life free from this madness.

I want to laugh and feel relaxed and unthreatened from my own mind.

Thank you for listening.

:blush:

[BobbyDog]

I would go and talk to your doctor, something needs to be done to help you feel better, you are actively seeking help and support by joining NMP, I don't know if that in itself will see you on the road to recovery. Perhaps medication and or counselling could just be what you need to change the negative thought patterns.

[Antonio68]

Thank you for the reply. I have just contacted a CBT therapy place. If I can avoid medication I will.

I have of course taken some benzodiazepines on occasions in small doses. But I prefer not to become dependant on medication if I can.

[Bekzie]

Hi Antonio :welcome:
I know how you feel almost exactly, I was given meds by my doc but was to scared to take them too, am waiting for CBT and trying to use herbal remedies to control my anxiety and panic.
The doctor wouldn't give you anything that could harm you, try to remember that :)
This site is very helpful and I am sure you will find lots of support here, sharing really helps :hugs:

[Mark13]

Hi Antonio. I'm sure you'll be glad you joined.

There's plenty of advice and support here.

You're not alone.

I certainly have obsessive thoughts and ruminations, but I'm happy to take medication to combat these, as I've tried CBT and it was of little value to me - it just changed the focus of my anxiety.

CBT helps a lot of people, however, and I wish you luck with it.

[Antonio68]

The reason I dont take meds is because. I teh start to read about all te effect. And some people put horror stories on some posts. I will then have PA about that. Also most meds has an effect on the male part and I am scared of that. I then think my partner will leave me..

[sezzasxi]

Hi Antonio,
Sorry to hear you are feeling so awful. I was extremely reluctant to start taking medication for my anxiety issues until a doctor said to me "think of it this way, of you had diabeties you would take medication to help you as it is an illness, anxiety is no different it is an illness to.
I started on citalopram 5 years ago, and although still anxious it definately takes the edge off, and I find it helps me deal with things more rationally. Start on a low dose, which I'm sure your doc will advise anyway. The only side affect I have is slightly increased sweating when exercising, and i can now sleep in the day which I never could before. Meds are different for everyone but in my opinion definately worth a shot. Good luck
Sara x