god help me

[gregcool]

I really not good at all..today iv felt very lost and very panicy..and high anxiety..i feel very depressed and my thoughts are so heavy very negative.all day..i cant stop them .iv tried everything iv heard of..i havnt felt this bad before...im worried because iv never felt this bad and feel its growing....I keep thinking im going back home to my wife and family.but then reality hits me..and i rem we are seperated and i havnt seen her in 2 solid weeks..or my home we lived in...im staying at my sisters and it all feels very odd.one min im at home collecting my kids from school..the next min.2 weeks have gone by and im never going back to my life.my routens.my habbits.my family.my world..now im reduced to a smokey flat and a single room and strangers for company..i want to curl up and die..i really really do...i really really miss my security and company..just simple things like,her smell,her voice,seeing the kids bags on the floor.it just all feels rediculas and not real..my DR AND DP is so high all the time i couldnt talk to anyone in town when i went to sort out my benefits..iv never felt this bad..im stuck on tamazapan every god dam night..i wake at 4-5 am and cant go back to sleep..it all hits me the moment i open my eyes.so i have a very very long day..just counting the hrs the min the sec. Just to go to sleep...Only to wake up and do it all again...i feel like im in a constant loop..no rest no purpose..no meening..Im starting to feel real low hopeful thoughts of being dead..im actually hoping ill be consumed with the desire to harm or kill my self..because i can only imagin when you take your own life, it just feels the right thing to do..almost like your mind has no fear ,no reason anymore..at this moment i do feel the fear of dieing and fear of fear..so im holing ill get that hypnotic uncontrolable desire to take my life..id welcome it..

[swgrl09]

Do you have a doctor or counselor you can talk to? It sounds like you are hurting more than I can ever imagine. Please call emergency services if you are able to. I am worried about you.

[manwithnoname]

you can survive this period in your life greg

[gregcool]

I do have a doctor and a counsoler.but im not feeling any thing...and this is what is making it all so bad..because i feel if the profesionals cant help me.Who can..

---------- Post added at 17:55 ---------- Previous post was at 17:52 ----------

I felt i could survive.but im feeling the loss of my wife just to hard to cope with..i really love her..But i also know we will never be a couple again..ever...so faced with this at 47 years old with no friends no job being in a strange place.allredy suffering with bad depression anxiety.is just to many suden changes for me

[inCOGnito]

consider that PM i sent you. it's worth a try is it not?

[Annie0904]

Greg I know it is really hard to see it right now as you are hurting so much but things will get better in time. Are you able to spend time with your children still? I really think you would be better in hospital at the moment Greg. Have you seen the crisis counsellor today? You must tell them just how you are feeling and tell them you need more help. :hugs::hugs:

[manwithnoname]

I completely understand that you have had a lot of sudden changes in a short time, that is quite a shock to the system but you would be surprised how you can find strength to cope when things are very tough

[gregcool]

I am trying to hold it together.and have felt for a few days i have.But the reality of it all has just hit me like a huge weight..my chrises team are aware of all this .they have everything on paper and in there heads...they have said the hostpital is not going to help me...and my treetment is amitriptine ..which they say can take weeks before we find out if they work for me.But becsuse my track records are i react so badly to the smallest of doses ,it will take me longer than most to try and reach a level that may or may not help...Im not sounding ungreatful of negetive,but i just know my excperiances on medications..it took me about 7 weeks just to get from 10mg of trazadone to 50mg..and when i tried to go up in my dose over a few weeks i had bad bad side effects...and in them days i was in a more possitive happier place and felt supported by my wife..

[Annie0904]

Please try to stay strong Greg, however hard it may seem. We are all here for you. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[gregcool]

Annie..Im trying..i really have....

---------- Post added at 18:44 ---------- Previous post was at 18:38 ----------

Should i stay on tamazapan at night.? Iv been on them for nearly 2 weeks..my sister keeps telling me to just take them every night because im not doing well..but im worried ill be stuck on them..would it hurt

[Annie0904]

If it is the only way you can get some relief I would stay on them a bit longer. What does your doctor say about taking them? xx

[gregcool]

He told me to take 10mg at night and 10mg am to calm me through the day..But only for 2 weeks..then you must have 3 weeks off..but you know my history with insomnia before thses sleepers...so i can only imagin i wont sleep at all if i stop taking them,especially while im this low..

---------- Post added at 18:56 ---------- Previous post was at 18:55 ----------

Iv been on them just nightly at 20mg..as he only told me this a few days ago...

---------- Post added at 19:00 ---------- Previous post was at 18:56 ----------

I need to get on amatripline ..as iv been told its a sleep aid two...im just nervus on new tablets...plus if they send my anxietys higher i dont know how i will cope then..i realy want to find something..i never cared much before..but now i feel really seriose to find something if there is something

[Annie0904]

Maybe just try 10 mg at night and see how it goes?

[clio51]

Greg

Deal with the here and now.

Don't be afraid to take the meds, and don't keep thinking I've been on them x amount of weeks so what!!,.
Take what meds you need to get you through this episode you are going through.
What about some diazepam? Is that what your on simular?

You need something to bring your anxiety levels down, ask the crisis team tomorrow what they can do for you.
As regards your benefits, can you not get a worker from the crisis team to go with you or your sister.
Can the crisis team not get you somewhere to stay,you might be better in a flat on your own. Give you some space and away from the smoke. What about a flat nearer your home so you can see your kids.

Take care you have always get nmp to listen to you.

Greg mostly all new meds give you heightened anxiety at the beginning, and if you on 20mg at night the stronger they are now, you will need something as strong or stronger does that make sense.

[gregcool]

Clio..theyborig said to put me on diazapan.but said tamazipan works better day and night..?? So wasnt sure wat to do...they prescribed me diazapan for a two week only..day and night..But after i took it for one night i felt very uncertain and feel itbmaid me feel slight anxiety.and not relaxed...so iv just stuck with tamazipan which iv got hold of....my sister has agread to smoke outside all of them thank god...i think if i lived on my own i wouldnt cope ..i kind of need this company around me....i think....im just feeling higher anxiety today and even sitting hear now talking to you,i feel hightend and i have a horid nurolger pain realy bad in my face..i can feel my panic feeling is just sitting there almost showing its self...Its been like this all day,kind of thretning to hit me all day..as the night is creaping in ,im feeling worse..feeling more alone..and just not fealing secure in life..im scared i feel like this,as years ago this is how i started to feel,then it took control of me...i dont want to go through this again at this age ,weeker and more vonerable

[Annie0904]

I hope you can get some decent nights sleep Greg, I think everything always seems even worse when you are tired. :hugs:

[bernie1977]

So sorry to hear things are no better for you. I'm praying you get a good nights sleep :hugs:

[gregcool]

Thanks guys..I have about 60 20mg tamazapan in a jar ..i may take a couple of them..i may have half in a min..wat u think

[Annie0904]

I am not sure I would take 2 x 20 mg...try one and see how it goes. Maybe have a hot milky drink as well, that might help you sleep better. x

[gregcool]

Annie hot milky drink sounds great.but i stoped that luxerey a long time ago as ill be up needing the loo..and that will be me awake..
Annie do you think if i continued taking these sleeping pills it will be no good for me...My mum and dad have been on them for years now..and keep telling me to just stay on them...

[Annie0904]

I would speak to your doctor first Greg to see what he says but you really need to get some sleep at the moment and if it means taking sleeping pills for a little longer than it may be a good idea but check with your doctor first. When you start to feel better you would have to wean yourself off them. You will get there Greg..the only way to go when you are down so far is back up and you will find the strength to do it, you just have so much hurt at the moment and need to come to terms with things so you can sort things out but you will get there. I know you want to smell of lavender :) but lavender oil in a bath is relaxing. :hugs:

[gregcool]

Annie..I will take sleeper for tonight and see if i can get onto amatriptine as it has a sleep aid as well as anti depressisant...i need to give it a go,but just wish i was allready on it when i was at home in a secure place..Thanks as allways Annie...Id love to have met some of you guys in life,as i feel i know you all so much...Bit like a james bond moment...You know...where you know the voice and person so well but never have seen them..There are about 5 of you angels guys and girls that i really love for your looking over me..I hope i dont dissapoint you after all you give to me

[Annie0904]

One of my friends was prescribed Amitriptyline and it has helped her to get her life back on track so I hope it helps you also. Take care Greg and let me know tomorrow if you have managed to get some sleep. :hugs:

[gregcool]

Thanks for your reasurance Annie..:hugs: