Loretts
04-04-13, 00:38
Hi everyone,
I've been to this website a few times during my search for answers and everyone here just seemed so lovely that I wanted to join the community.
So I thought I would share my whole story.
I'm 22 and a student. I think I've had anxiety my whole life but it only became severe or very apparent in the last 2 years.
When I was very young I was incredibly shy, in year 4, which I suppose is around the age of 7 or 8 I had a best friend who I was very comfortable around, but at school she was friends with the "popular" girls who weren't the nicest bunch, and every break time, or play time, I was literally to shy to speak around them or to them, and my entire year 4 life at break times was spent in silence.
I year 5 I made a new friend but she wasn't particularly nice either I she would fall out with me every other week for no reason, and I spent the majority of year 5 in tears. It was in year 5, and probably due to the stress of this friendship, that I suddenly started to feel sick every time I was sat in assembly, I felt absolutely fine out of assembly, but felt very sick sitting in the hall during it, and for a period of 2 weeks I was aloud not to sit assembly because of how sick it made me feel. After that 2 weeks I was fine to go again and no more thought was given to the matter, and I was only 8 or 9 so I wasn't really reflecting on it a great deal, but now I can look back on that time and recognise it as a very mild form of anxiety.
I experienced nothing more (except my shyness which was gradually getting better over the years) until year 11 of secondary school (15/16 I think?) where I suddenly felt sick in an english lesson, I was sent to the sick room where I instantly felt better, but the intensity of how sick I felt in the lesson wouldn't leave me, and thats when I started all the "what if" questions like "what if I feel sick again" "what if I throw up in the lesson?" and those kind of thoughts which lead me to fake being ill so I didn't have to go to school. Eventually I was forced to go back by my mum and every lecture I went to I felt sick. As time went on I got used to the feeling of sick, but would just feel so uncomfortable during lessons, specifically ones where we had to sit and listen, however I never really felt ill in art lessons as those lessons we were more free to move about and talk. Again at this point though I was not associating this with anxiety, and I actually believed that I felt sick and that it wasn't just in my head. Not long after feeling sick in lessons I also started to feel sick on public transport, for some reason resting my chin on my hand made me feel better but I have no idea why, but as soon as I was off the bus/train I felt fine. As time went on I started to realise it was all in my head, and after actually throwing up from a real illness I realised that the feelings of my anxiety sick and real sickness were not the same at all, and after that I felt fine in lectures (by this time I was in college) and on public transport.
I also always used to feel very unwell in restaurants, just the idea of having to swallow food in public just made me feel so ill. As we all know anxiety makes it feel really weird to swallow food, and if I was at a restaurant I would just constantly be thinking "what if I can't swallow this bit of food, I'm going to look like an idiot" "what if I throw up in front of these people in the restaurant" etc etc
After this feeling sick phobia subsided, I lived a perfectly happy life for about 2 years, then I went to university.
The start of the first year was the best I have ever felt in my whole life. I didn't get a place in halls (dorms) so I lived in a house off campus, and the story goes that you don't usually make friends at uni if you don't live in halls. But I just threw myself into every social situation without a care in the world, which was amazing for someone who used to be too shy to speak to people in year 4. I felt amazing. I had always been an incredibly independent person and ever since I was little I would stay at my friends house for at least a week every school holiday (she lives in Manchester and I live in Nottingham) and I've never felt homesick being far away from home or anything like that. So the idea of moving to a new city by myself and looking after myself didn't concern me at all, just the making friends part, but I ended up doing that with a great deal of ease.
However, it all went horribly wrong towards the end of the first year. I had just gone back to uni after being home for easter, I was at my friends place, and all of a sudden I got an over-whelming urge to go home, my heart was pounding like nothing I have ever experienced before, however I was still in control of my breathing, so I didn't class it as a panic attack (I still don't know if it was one. I left hastily and the whole way home I felt bizarre, like I was in a dream. I remember having my hand holding the back of my head somehow made me feel slightly better but it must of looked strange to the people I was walking past. Every since that day whenever I went out I felt weird, as I say like I was in a dream, nothing seemed real, and I just had this over whelming sense of impending doom although I didn't feel particularly panicy.
It was coming to the time where I needed to take myself home (neither me or my mum drive so public transport has only ever been an option for me) and I was so nervous about getting the train home by myself that I convinced a friend to come with me. I was fine on the train, I had a few moments of feeling odd but at no point did I panic.
When I got home my mum suggested that maybe I had anxiety, and it was at that point that I just sort of went with it. I had still not had a panic attack, but I became very afraid of having one. At that time I was still leaving the house, but only with someone else "in case anything happened".
My doctor prescribed me with a beta blocker (can't remember which one I've not got them on me at the moment, it begins with P i'm sure) and I purchased the Lindon Method, because it said I could cure myself at home, and that it was the only cure. This was all at the start of the summer, and that entire summer i was dreading going back to uni; "what if I panic at uni and my mum isn't here to help me" "what if I want to go home?" - the "what if I want to go home" question really cemented agoraphobia for me, always trying to calculate the quickest way to get home if I need it.
At the start, the Linden method did help me, I manage to, at the end of the summer, take myself to work without the aid of the beta blockers, which I was very happy about, but was still dreading going back to uni.
When I did eventually go back to uni I surprised myself with how fine I felt, although I persuaded my boyfriend to stay with me there so he could help me to the shops and to uni. In the second semester I decided I needed to get back and focus on getting better and I managed to start going to the shops by myself and for most of the year I didn't need the beta blockers (my problem was relying on people more than anything) and at the start of that summer I really felt like I was on the way to a full recovery. My agoraphobia was only situational, I didn't need the beta blockers at all, I could take myself to shops and to work and only needed to be with someone if I was going on longer journeys.
Sadly this did not last long and one time on the way to work a "what if" question popped into my head and my heart beat increased slightly. I rang my mum so that I could distract myself from any other thoughts on my way to work. After this I experienced to grievances and my anxiety was worse than ever. I was back to being escorted to work and such, and again I began to dread going back to uni, convincing myself it felt worse this time therefore I would feel worse at uni.
Being taken back to uni that time was horrible. I felt so uncomfortable, and when I got to my house there I just felt in a state of complete shock. This time around I needed both beta blockers and the assistance of others to get me about, because I had convinced myself it was worse, therefore I behaved like it was.
That brings me to now, in my second semester of my third year, a couple of weeks back I was starting to get better again, not needing the beta blockers as much etc, however, at uni we had this careers fest and we were required to attend. There was a lecture in this small room, and it was back full of students, some of whom had to stand, i was squashed into the corner away from the door and I just didn't like it at all, I felt hot and faint, so I left. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't a step back and it was how hot the room was more than anxious thoughts, but my mind wasn't having any of it and I am now currently at the worst I have ever felt. I'm currently at home, and the other day me and my mum were going to go into town, but when the bus turned up I just couldn't get on it and we went home, despite the fact I had taken a beta blocker and my mum was with me, I just couldn't get on the bus. The fear of having a panic attack has just become uncontrollable.
I have read a lot of things that say the best way to get over anxiety is to just let the panic happen and go with it. The problem is, I've still never had one. And this must sound strange to other people with anxiety, or may even annoy some people "how can she claim to have anxiety when she doesn't even know the horrors of a panic attack", and I understand that, but all I know is my fear of having one is very real and very scary, and I feel like part of the problem is is I've convinced myself that I don't want to have my first panic attack on my own in public, but the problem with that is a don't feel anxious at home, so the only way I will ever have a panic attack to experience it and go with it and let it happen to me like you're meant to is if I'm on my own in public, which is exactly my what I'm so afraid of. Horrible vicious circle.
Anway I'm currently trying a combination of the Lindon Method (planning ever minute of every day and filling the day with stuff to distract your mind, and I'm even teaching myself how to play keyboard) with some hypnotherapy CD's from Paul McKenna and am reading his book "how to change your life in 7 days". It's only been roughly a week of listening to the CD's though and I haven't left the house for a few days so don't know if they've worked but I do still feel apprehensive about leaving the house so maybe not.
I'm sorry for how long this has been, I just wanted to get it all of my chest really, and if you have taken the time to read it all thank you, and I hope it's at least comforting to at least one person if they can relate to it :)
Loretts
I've been to this website a few times during my search for answers and everyone here just seemed so lovely that I wanted to join the community.
So I thought I would share my whole story.
I'm 22 and a student. I think I've had anxiety my whole life but it only became severe or very apparent in the last 2 years.
When I was very young I was incredibly shy, in year 4, which I suppose is around the age of 7 or 8 I had a best friend who I was very comfortable around, but at school she was friends with the "popular" girls who weren't the nicest bunch, and every break time, or play time, I was literally to shy to speak around them or to them, and my entire year 4 life at break times was spent in silence.
I year 5 I made a new friend but she wasn't particularly nice either I she would fall out with me every other week for no reason, and I spent the majority of year 5 in tears. It was in year 5, and probably due to the stress of this friendship, that I suddenly started to feel sick every time I was sat in assembly, I felt absolutely fine out of assembly, but felt very sick sitting in the hall during it, and for a period of 2 weeks I was aloud not to sit assembly because of how sick it made me feel. After that 2 weeks I was fine to go again and no more thought was given to the matter, and I was only 8 or 9 so I wasn't really reflecting on it a great deal, but now I can look back on that time and recognise it as a very mild form of anxiety.
I experienced nothing more (except my shyness which was gradually getting better over the years) until year 11 of secondary school (15/16 I think?) where I suddenly felt sick in an english lesson, I was sent to the sick room where I instantly felt better, but the intensity of how sick I felt in the lesson wouldn't leave me, and thats when I started all the "what if" questions like "what if I feel sick again" "what if I throw up in the lesson?" and those kind of thoughts which lead me to fake being ill so I didn't have to go to school. Eventually I was forced to go back by my mum and every lecture I went to I felt sick. As time went on I got used to the feeling of sick, but would just feel so uncomfortable during lessons, specifically ones where we had to sit and listen, however I never really felt ill in art lessons as those lessons we were more free to move about and talk. Again at this point though I was not associating this with anxiety, and I actually believed that I felt sick and that it wasn't just in my head. Not long after feeling sick in lessons I also started to feel sick on public transport, for some reason resting my chin on my hand made me feel better but I have no idea why, but as soon as I was off the bus/train I felt fine. As time went on I started to realise it was all in my head, and after actually throwing up from a real illness I realised that the feelings of my anxiety sick and real sickness were not the same at all, and after that I felt fine in lectures (by this time I was in college) and on public transport.
I also always used to feel very unwell in restaurants, just the idea of having to swallow food in public just made me feel so ill. As we all know anxiety makes it feel really weird to swallow food, and if I was at a restaurant I would just constantly be thinking "what if I can't swallow this bit of food, I'm going to look like an idiot" "what if I throw up in front of these people in the restaurant" etc etc
After this feeling sick phobia subsided, I lived a perfectly happy life for about 2 years, then I went to university.
The start of the first year was the best I have ever felt in my whole life. I didn't get a place in halls (dorms) so I lived in a house off campus, and the story goes that you don't usually make friends at uni if you don't live in halls. But I just threw myself into every social situation without a care in the world, which was amazing for someone who used to be too shy to speak to people in year 4. I felt amazing. I had always been an incredibly independent person and ever since I was little I would stay at my friends house for at least a week every school holiday (she lives in Manchester and I live in Nottingham) and I've never felt homesick being far away from home or anything like that. So the idea of moving to a new city by myself and looking after myself didn't concern me at all, just the making friends part, but I ended up doing that with a great deal of ease.
However, it all went horribly wrong towards the end of the first year. I had just gone back to uni after being home for easter, I was at my friends place, and all of a sudden I got an over-whelming urge to go home, my heart was pounding like nothing I have ever experienced before, however I was still in control of my breathing, so I didn't class it as a panic attack (I still don't know if it was one. I left hastily and the whole way home I felt bizarre, like I was in a dream. I remember having my hand holding the back of my head somehow made me feel slightly better but it must of looked strange to the people I was walking past. Every since that day whenever I went out I felt weird, as I say like I was in a dream, nothing seemed real, and I just had this over whelming sense of impending doom although I didn't feel particularly panicy.
It was coming to the time where I needed to take myself home (neither me or my mum drive so public transport has only ever been an option for me) and I was so nervous about getting the train home by myself that I convinced a friend to come with me. I was fine on the train, I had a few moments of feeling odd but at no point did I panic.
When I got home my mum suggested that maybe I had anxiety, and it was at that point that I just sort of went with it. I had still not had a panic attack, but I became very afraid of having one. At that time I was still leaving the house, but only with someone else "in case anything happened".
My doctor prescribed me with a beta blocker (can't remember which one I've not got them on me at the moment, it begins with P i'm sure) and I purchased the Lindon Method, because it said I could cure myself at home, and that it was the only cure. This was all at the start of the summer, and that entire summer i was dreading going back to uni; "what if I panic at uni and my mum isn't here to help me" "what if I want to go home?" - the "what if I want to go home" question really cemented agoraphobia for me, always trying to calculate the quickest way to get home if I need it.
At the start, the Linden method did help me, I manage to, at the end of the summer, take myself to work without the aid of the beta blockers, which I was very happy about, but was still dreading going back to uni.
When I did eventually go back to uni I surprised myself with how fine I felt, although I persuaded my boyfriend to stay with me there so he could help me to the shops and to uni. In the second semester I decided I needed to get back and focus on getting better and I managed to start going to the shops by myself and for most of the year I didn't need the beta blockers (my problem was relying on people more than anything) and at the start of that summer I really felt like I was on the way to a full recovery. My agoraphobia was only situational, I didn't need the beta blockers at all, I could take myself to shops and to work and only needed to be with someone if I was going on longer journeys.
Sadly this did not last long and one time on the way to work a "what if" question popped into my head and my heart beat increased slightly. I rang my mum so that I could distract myself from any other thoughts on my way to work. After this I experienced to grievances and my anxiety was worse than ever. I was back to being escorted to work and such, and again I began to dread going back to uni, convincing myself it felt worse this time therefore I would feel worse at uni.
Being taken back to uni that time was horrible. I felt so uncomfortable, and when I got to my house there I just felt in a state of complete shock. This time around I needed both beta blockers and the assistance of others to get me about, because I had convinced myself it was worse, therefore I behaved like it was.
That brings me to now, in my second semester of my third year, a couple of weeks back I was starting to get better again, not needing the beta blockers as much etc, however, at uni we had this careers fest and we were required to attend. There was a lecture in this small room, and it was back full of students, some of whom had to stand, i was squashed into the corner away from the door and I just didn't like it at all, I felt hot and faint, so I left. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't a step back and it was how hot the room was more than anxious thoughts, but my mind wasn't having any of it and I am now currently at the worst I have ever felt. I'm currently at home, and the other day me and my mum were going to go into town, but when the bus turned up I just couldn't get on it and we went home, despite the fact I had taken a beta blocker and my mum was with me, I just couldn't get on the bus. The fear of having a panic attack has just become uncontrollable.
I have read a lot of things that say the best way to get over anxiety is to just let the panic happen and go with it. The problem is, I've still never had one. And this must sound strange to other people with anxiety, or may even annoy some people "how can she claim to have anxiety when she doesn't even know the horrors of a panic attack", and I understand that, but all I know is my fear of having one is very real and very scary, and I feel like part of the problem is is I've convinced myself that I don't want to have my first panic attack on my own in public, but the problem with that is a don't feel anxious at home, so the only way I will ever have a panic attack to experience it and go with it and let it happen to me like you're meant to is if I'm on my own in public, which is exactly my what I'm so afraid of. Horrible vicious circle.
Anway I'm currently trying a combination of the Lindon Method (planning ever minute of every day and filling the day with stuff to distract your mind, and I'm even teaching myself how to play keyboard) with some hypnotherapy CD's from Paul McKenna and am reading his book "how to change your life in 7 days". It's only been roughly a week of listening to the CD's though and I haven't left the house for a few days so don't know if they've worked but I do still feel apprehensive about leaving the house so maybe not.
I'm sorry for how long this has been, I just wanted to get it all of my chest really, and if you have taken the time to read it all thank you, and I hope it's at least comforting to at least one person if they can relate to it :)
Loretts