Feel as if I'm skiving...

[NE21 worrier]

So it happened again.

On Tuesday night, at work, I was unable to eat, was gagging on acid/bile and had a tight pain across my chest - my usual symptoms. This was at least my third such incidence in the last two weeks.

I was busy enough at work that I was able to be distracted and somehow drove home. Once back at home, the panic got worse - still couldn't eat anything for fear of throwing up, and did throw up acid/mucus.

Meanwhile, my thoughts were racing at a million miles an hour. I was imagining situations and conversations, some of which are months down the line. I have a busy schedule set up in May (a visit for a beer festival in Reading on the first bank holiday, a wedding in Peterborough, then a stag do in Preston on the second BH), and in June (a holiday abroad with friends from 13-25 June, then Glastonbury 26-30 June) - all of which I willingly signed up to, despite knowing I suffer from panic attacks/anxiety.

Anyway, I slept only one hour through to Wed morning and went back to the doctors - was already prescribed 50mg Sertraline (Zoloft) a day previously, but was scared of taking it due to side-effects.

Doctor yesterday prescribed diazepam to calm me down - took 7x 2mg yesterday (two am, two pm, three bedtime) as instructed, will do same today, and have started taking the Sertraline properly.

Feeling much calmer already but had to phone work for sick leave for the rest of the week as I am seeing the doctor again tomorrow morning. Feel guilty as my calm state of mind - albeit one which is doped up - makes me feel as if I am a skiver and I am achieving nothing with my day.

I think the doctor, when I go back to see him tomorrow, intends to put me on long-term sick (2-3 months) but, while I accept this is probably the way forward to help me overcome this illness overall, I imagine the department will take a dim view of this and it will only increase my guilt over not attending work.

Also, thanks to a supportive group of friends, I have an (over)-active social life as you can see from my list of obligations above. If I go on long-term sick, is it morally right that I still get on with life normally otherwise? Do I just do the things that I want to do?

Thanks for reading. Sorry it is too long but my thoughts on this are still really confused,
Peter

[Annie0904]

Peter I spent so much time worrying about being off work and feeling guilty for it. At the end of the day your health is more important than anything. You are ill and you need time to recover. Forget about work for now and take time to heal, concentrate on getting well, don't even think about work. If you want to go out and socialize and think that will help you then do it. A sick note says you are not fit to work, it doesn't say you are not fit to enjoy yourself. One of my doctors once advised that I take time off sick and go to a warmer country on holiday for a few weeks! I made myself worse by worrying about work and what they were thinking about me. Don't make this same mistake. Get well :D

[hanj16]

Hi Peter,

Sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time right now. In no way should you feel guilty for having time of work, your main priority right now is getting better and having time off sounds like it will certainly enable you to get better. Yes you should do the things you want to do, if you feel comfortable meeting all of you social duties in the coming months then do it. Sometimes we just need time away from our usual routine to feel alittle more whole again.

Wishing you the best
Hannah

[NE21 worrier]

Thanks, Annie/Hannah.

I'm back to square on in a certain way. I've suffered from anxiety/panic for years but didn't really look to get it sorted out until a major panic attack immediately before I went to Thailand last May* - I had never done that sort of holiday before and I didn't know what to expect so I had a major attack.

Saw the doctor, got prescribed diazepam, calmed down in a couple of days and had a course of CBT from Aug-Nov, without taking any other meds (probably a mistake in hindsight) but was able to settle down.

Problems have re-occurred since the New Year, however, with more and more frequent bursts of anxiety/panic, culminating in the above. I learned about coping techniques in CBT but I am still unable to use them when I need to.

Sometimes it feels as if I don't even get the chance and I just wake up really nervous with a pit of the stomach feeling already (morning anxiety). Not sure what to do in such a situation.

Anyway, I understand from the meet-up thread that you and me Annie are from the same neck of the woods (kind of). I've also posted there :)

*BTW, I still went to Thailand and it was blooming great!

[Annie0904]

You sound a lot like me with your anxiety. Well done on getting to Thailand, that was very brave of you. I managed to get to Portugal when I was at my worst with anxiety, purely because my husband and kids refused to go without me so they literally dragged me crying onto the plane! I did enjoy it when I got there though :D
Yes, not far from you, I am in Co Durham not far from Barnard Castle.
Peter take my advise and don't rush back to work before you feel ready, give yourself time to relax and heal.

[NE21 worrier]

UPDATE:
Went back to the doctors this morning. Signed off work for six weeks with - in the exact words of the medical cert - "anxiety/emotional exhaustion". Doctor states I may need longer.

Oddly, I am feeling much better in myself - my stomach pain is gone, as has my globus and I am able to eat quite normally again. Have even eaten half an Easter egg this morning!

Unsurprisingly, I am feeling very drowsy however (that'll be the diazepam!) and I have been encouraged to wind that down a little, while continuing to take my 50mg Sertraline daily. Next appointment with doctor is next Thursday, 11 April.

I am calm and not panicking but I am still worried to tell work that I need to be off for six weeks. My GP, who is excellent, says he will write to my employer, if needs be to confirm his judgement.

Deep down I know he is right and that my best chance of getting better is an extended period off work but I just think it is going to be an awkward conversation as I was doing quite well at work before this latest episode.

[Annie0904]

You don't really need to have a conversation with them...Just send your sick note in.

[NE21 worrier]

I have considered that option - but I know that will prompt my employer to contact me anyway... so by refusing to talk now, I will simply delay the conversation.

Don't get me wrong, my employer is generally pretty good and has been supportive while I have worked there to the extent that I have actually been bright as a button on many occasion around the office.

However, I think because that has been the case, they may struggle to understand why I need so much time off...

As you can possibly tell, I am quite a driven person. Despite my ongoing anxiety, I have only had one absence and that was in May last year. Therefore, even I am struggling to understand myself why I need so much time off.

But, at the same time, if this makes any sense, I also rationally know the doctor has better judgement than me. I'm just finding it hard to accept, having calmed down considerably from where I was on Tue night/Wed morning.

[Annie0904]

I know what you mean. I kept going back to work when I thought I was ready and then ended up getting worse and my Doctor said "Right..now you will listen to me and do it on my terms" Anxiety can take quite some time to recover from and don't be surprised if you need more than 6 weeks. I can understand you wanting to speak to your employer but if you think that will make you more anxious then send the note in. Employers are not allowed to contact you during a sickness absence (except for sickness review & Occ Health Assessments) and they should not ask about what is on your sick note, You do not have to explain anything about your illness.

[rosietj]

Hi all, I hope all works out for you all, but I was relieved to see someone else suffering from some sort of holiday phobia but did it anyway. I am suffering big time at the moment because I always get stupid and paranoid about going away which is what is planned for the 18th April to Australia to see my daughter and granddaughter but I just do not understand my panic and anxiety as it get closer. I am a complete panic wreck at the moment and panicking even more as the valium the dr prescribed seems not to be calming me down as it used to previously. Lovely to share worries and problems as I feel very alone with this dreadful stuff going on.

[NE21 worrier]

Further UPDATE:

Finally bucked up the courage to make contact with manager to advise about my six-week sick note as it was making me more anxious just leaving it. Advised that I was acting on medical advice so that the anti-depressant drugs could start to take their effect.

My manager largely accepted this but wanted to know if there was anything the workplace could do to help me come back sooner. I advised that the department had been great and had done all they could to keep me in work for as long as they did, to be honest.

I told my manager that my next appointment was on 11 April, and she has asked me that I will need to keep in touch. I just feel that every time I contact work that they will put more and more pressure on me to go back.

I have some anxieties at work - we recently changed line of business and I am still not sure exactly what I am meant to be doing on some calls (I work in a contact centre for a Govt department). However, I generally feel well supported there and they really have done all they can. Therefore, it is perhaps no surprise that I feel guilty...

[Annie0904]

I felt guilty for being off work too but DO NOT feel under pressure to go back. Take time to heal.

[NE21 worrier]

Ok, I will try (to relax and feel less guilty). Thanks for your support so far this week, your replies have always been v rational and helpful. I will keep in touch.

Peter :)

[Annie0904]

When you do go back I would suggest a phased return as this would put less stress on you.