Sparkle1984
06-04-13, 11:21
Hi, I haven't posted on here much lately as I've been feeling better.
On Monday I decided to do an exposure exercise to test myself and to see how far I've come. Since then, I've been feeling a bit tense and I'm worried I might cause myself to relapse.
Backstory: Throughout my life, when I've had an anxiety episode it's mostly been to do with existential anxiety. Back in 2007 when I was 23, I started to get this feeling that time was speeding up, so I stupidly did some research on Google into why this might be. I came across a couple of websites which really scared me. Back then, it triggered a really bad anxiety episode which lasted 8 months, ie until early 2008. I didn't have any help back then as I didn't really understand what was wrong with me. I saw a doctor in 2007 and I explained that I was having a lot of trouble sleeping and a rapid heart beat and couldn't relax, but he just put it down to stress and said it would go away on its own, and he didn't do anything to help. It fizzled out by itself in March 2008, but it had been the worst time of my life so far.
Fast forward to July 2012, when I had my most recent anxiety episode. This was also existential anxiety, but the theme was slightly different - it was more about fear of death and dying than about time speeding up. It was really bad this time. Luckily this time I saw a doctor who really understood what was going on. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and she referred me to a CBT course and prescribed meds. I began to feel a lot better within a couple of weeks. The CBT course was very helpful too, and I felt more in control of my thoughts and feelings. So in January this year, with my doctor's approval, I weaned off my citalopram and I came off them completely at the end of February. I've been off them completely for 5 weeks now and have felt fine most of the time.
So, back to the original purpose of this thread: in order to test how far I've progressed, on Monday evening I went back to those websites which scared me in 2007 (the ones about the theory of time speeding up). While I was reading those websites, I didn't feel too bad - nowhere near as bad as I felt when I first discovered them in 2007. However, on Tuesday and Wednesday I noticed my underlying anxiety levels were higher than normal, and the things I'd read on these websites kept entering my mind. It reached a creschendo on Thursday, when I kept feeling this sicky feeling in the back of my throat and felt a bit nauseous. (When I first discovered the website in 2007, I panicked so much that I regurgitated my food, as I was eating something at the time!) The last couple of days haven't been quite so bad, but I still feel a bit more tense than usual and I regret going back to those websites.
Now I keep worrying that I might be causing myself to relapse by exposing myself to my worst fears. I think maybe I looked at too much on Monday night. On Monday night itself I didn't feel too bad, but even though I haven't looked at these websites since then, I'm still feeling a bit anxious about them. I have made so much progress in the last 7 months and I'd hate to think I've undone it all! :weep:
Is it possible for exposure exercises to cause a relapse? Should I carry on doing exposure exercises or should I stop for the time being? Should I be doing this in a more gradual way?
On Monday I decided to do an exposure exercise to test myself and to see how far I've come. Since then, I've been feeling a bit tense and I'm worried I might cause myself to relapse.
Backstory: Throughout my life, when I've had an anxiety episode it's mostly been to do with existential anxiety. Back in 2007 when I was 23, I started to get this feeling that time was speeding up, so I stupidly did some research on Google into why this might be. I came across a couple of websites which really scared me. Back then, it triggered a really bad anxiety episode which lasted 8 months, ie until early 2008. I didn't have any help back then as I didn't really understand what was wrong with me. I saw a doctor in 2007 and I explained that I was having a lot of trouble sleeping and a rapid heart beat and couldn't relax, but he just put it down to stress and said it would go away on its own, and he didn't do anything to help. It fizzled out by itself in March 2008, but it had been the worst time of my life so far.
Fast forward to July 2012, when I had my most recent anxiety episode. This was also existential anxiety, but the theme was slightly different - it was more about fear of death and dying than about time speeding up. It was really bad this time. Luckily this time I saw a doctor who really understood what was going on. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and she referred me to a CBT course and prescribed meds. I began to feel a lot better within a couple of weeks. The CBT course was very helpful too, and I felt more in control of my thoughts and feelings. So in January this year, with my doctor's approval, I weaned off my citalopram and I came off them completely at the end of February. I've been off them completely for 5 weeks now and have felt fine most of the time.
So, back to the original purpose of this thread: in order to test how far I've progressed, on Monday evening I went back to those websites which scared me in 2007 (the ones about the theory of time speeding up). While I was reading those websites, I didn't feel too bad - nowhere near as bad as I felt when I first discovered them in 2007. However, on Tuesday and Wednesday I noticed my underlying anxiety levels were higher than normal, and the things I'd read on these websites kept entering my mind. It reached a creschendo on Thursday, when I kept feeling this sicky feeling in the back of my throat and felt a bit nauseous. (When I first discovered the website in 2007, I panicked so much that I regurgitated my food, as I was eating something at the time!) The last couple of days haven't been quite so bad, but I still feel a bit more tense than usual and I regret going back to those websites.
Now I keep worrying that I might be causing myself to relapse by exposing myself to my worst fears. I think maybe I looked at too much on Monday night. On Monday night itself I didn't feel too bad, but even though I haven't looked at these websites since then, I'm still feeling a bit anxious about them. I have made so much progress in the last 7 months and I'd hate to think I've undone it all! :weep:
Is it possible for exposure exercises to cause a relapse? Should I carry on doing exposure exercises or should I stop for the time being? Should I be doing this in a more gradual way?