View Full Version : When someone triggers your anxiety...
captain-savvy
06-04-13, 23:05
Hi everyone, Well, to start off, this is mainly to blow off steam. I have a "friend" in my life who does nothing but cause me anxiety and anguish, but I'm not strong enough to cut ties with her. She knows I suffer from GAD and I don't know if she uses it against me but I'm starting to think she does. I've been friends with this person I'll call Lisa for about 7 years. The odd thing is we met online and she lives on the other side of the country. For many years she was a good friend, encouraging and fun to talk to. Things began to change when I got engaged. At first she was very supportive of my engagement, but when I would spend time with my fiance (even after he and I had to be apart for a year and then were together again) she would get jealous. She'd give me guilt trips and act as though it was selfish of me to want time to myself with my fiance. She would say I could at least get online to talk to her for five minutes- though if I did, she was never satisfied. She planned to fly to our wedding, but circumstances made it impossible for her to afford it.
She complained and ranted and I felt bad, so we paid for her to fly to the wedding even though we were trying to spend wisely. Well, she came to the wedding, and instead of being grateful, she complained! Afterward she gave me guilt trips for the longest time because she was in the bathroom when we cut the cake and we didn't wait for her! I know it's stupid, but I always fall for these guilt trips. They make me feel so horrible I feel sick with anxiety. Now that I'm married it's always something. If I don't text her she freaks out. If I'm doing something fun with my family or trying to spend some time away with my husband, she complains about how horrible her life is and sounds awfully sarcastic when she says, "At least one of us is having fun." When I tried to spend the night away with my husband for our anniversary she complained that I didn't take my laptop so I could get online at the hotel and talk to her, and she kept sending me texts laden with attitude, making me so anxious I couldn't enjoy my anniversary weekend. According to her, she does have it pretty hard. Im pretty much her only friend, but she seems to think its my responsibility to entertain her and talk to her and keep her happy.
I've got way too much stress to deal with this! I'm unemployed and I've been spending more time online that I was, and I think its gotten her latched onto me again. But if I don't get online she gets upset and guilts me, and I've taken to giving in to her just to avoid having that happen because it causes me so much stress and panic. I wish I could just cut her out of my life but I don't want to hurt her and I'm afraid of what would happen. She has my number and the number to my family members, my address, and my home phone number. I'm afraid she could cause problems for my husband's immigration status if I cut her off and refuse to speak to her any longer. (She's the type of person to make calls to everyone she can to complain when she's unhappy. She called her tv company to rage at them because they didn't have a baseball game airing at a time that was good for her to watch) We also have mutual friends. I just... don't know what to do about it. If I try to talk to her about it she'll just get defensive and she won't see things my way. I've told her, "Hey, I'm married now, I have a new life, I need space!" but she keeps insisting that I can "at least take 5 minutes to spend time talking to her" which is never enough in the end. Actually right now I'm shaking with anxiety because I didn't text her to let her know I got my phone back from my husband (we have to share a cell phone) and she's having a horrible attitude with me.
I wish I could just say, "whatever, I don't care," and get off the computer and let her stew in her own misery... but I just can't. I'm not capable of that. Even if I get off the computer and leave her to herself I'll be anxious about it. Sigh... anyone else have anything like this? Or any advice at all???
Well I'm not surprised she hasn't got more friends she sounds awful! If I were you I would just walk away, cut all ties with her you don't need guilt trips just because you are happy! If you want to stay friends with her make it clear that you will be in touch when you have time and if you don;t have time you won't be in touch.
I hope you find a solution soon :hugs:
captain-savvy
06-04-13, 23:44
Yes, that's the logical thing to do. It's insane that I keep putting up with her and I know it. That's where the anxiety comes in... I just am not equipped to cut ties with her and face the consequences. The very idea makes me feel panicky. And the fact that I'm unable to do anything makes me even more anxious. It's a vicious cycle... I feel like an idiot for letting her do this to me, but I don't know how to handle the situation. =/ I'm a 26 year old married woman, and I feel like a kid being bullied on the playground...
Hi it sounds like it is going to be you or her, without being rude she doesn't sound like she is a friend and is treating you like this because she can, you need to be strong and tell her unless she backs off and gives you the space you need that you will have no choice but to end the friendship (although it doesn't sound very friendly to me) you can either have a bit of stress from ending the relationship, which you will get over, or you can have a lifetime of misery, you need to put you and your relationship with your husband first second and third....... tell her you value her friendship but she needs to back off and let you live your life, true friends can go days, weeks, months or even years without talking (life is busy) but are always there for each other, try and be kind to yourself and give her a choice...
I understand - I have a friend a little bit like that, not as bad, but bad enough. I now contact her when I'm ready, not because she guilts me. Have you talked to your husband about this friend? What does he say?
This is what you need to know:
1. You are in an abusive relationship with this person. She is the abuser and you are the victim. Do you really want to be in a relationship like that? Is that the kind of ideal you set for yourself in a friendship?
2. You are allowing yourself to be bullied and manipulated. Again, when you think of the things you associate with a healthy friendship, is bullying one of them?
3. You deserve better and your quality of life matters. Be selfish when it comes to this because no one else can help you achieve this except you. It is your responsibility to set rules around the relationships you have with other people so that they meet your ideals and expectations and allow you to live the life you want and interact with people in a healthy, loving, caring way. You can be loving and caring, without buying into other peoples insecurities. In fact you are being loving and caring by NOT buying into their insecurities, because you are teaching them that being abusive will not get them anywhere - a lesson they need to learn.
If you can't bring yourself to cut ties with this person just yet, you do need to at least set yourself some boundaries. I would start but sitting down and writing down all the things that are important to you when it comes to friendship - all your ideals and expectations. Then, when it comes to talking to this person, if she does someting that falls outside of that list, you either need to pull her up on it, or end the conversation and you need to be firm about this and stick with your guns. The only way you can gain respect for your boundaries is to not let someone else cross them. Do you know that it is actually good for other people to be made to feel bad when they cross a boundary? Otherwise if they have the personality type of the person you're describing (disrespectful, abusive, selfish etc) they will take everything they can from you. You need to stop focussing on her and focus instead on yourself. She obviously doesn't care about your needs, so it's up to you take care of yourself. Instead of feeling bad, get angry - no one should treat you like that! Ever! You are just going to have to let her stew - that is the only way you will ever break free from the abuse - and remember, the behaviour she is exhibiting IS abusive and wrong. It is up to you to stand up for yourself and say no, you're not putting up with it any longer.
captain-savvy
07-04-13, 04:34
Thanks everyone. My husband is very supportive, and he has threatened to talk to her himself before... but I begged him not to and he agreed for me. He hates what she does to me, too. I'm just exhausted and I don't know where I'll find the strength to confront her.
Well don't confront her, just cut all communication. That's what I did with my friend. Tell your husband what you're doing and he will support you. Let him talk to her if he's happy to. Concentrate on the happy things in your life and forget about this toxic person. Don't be afraid of what she might do - that's exactly what abusive people do to try and keep you in the relationship, don't buy into it. You can do this and you have everyone here who will support you too. Just stop talking to her as of today and don't give in.
I stopped answering my phone or responding to emails or if she caught me online I quickly signed out. Yes, I felt bad, but I just kept reminding myself that I was taking care of my own emotional health by doing this and the other person would just have live with it, I was more important.
Your emotional well being is WAY too important to be compromised by some awful person.
---------- Post added at 15:58 ---------- Previous post was at 15:52 ----------
PS - how about trying the Assertiveness and Self Esteem modules on this online workbook? http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm
Thumbelina
07-04-13, 05:10
Haya,
I think all of us have or had a friend like you describe.
I know the dilema and guilt that hunts us when it comes to putting a plug of this distructive friendship.
The thing is good - there are many tricky silly ways to slowly reduce the airing time and later force her to find a substitute friend or activity.....
little wren
07-04-13, 07:59
It is like the old saying 'keep your friends close but your enemies closer'
Confrontation probably will just add fuel to the fire - best thing is to slowly edge out of their life bit by bit...
Well don't confront her, just cut all communication. That's what I did with my friend. Tell your husband what you're doing and he will support you. Let him talk to her if he's happy to. Concentrate on the happy things in your life and forget about this toxic person. Don't be afraid of what she might do - that's exactly what abusive people do to try and keep you in the relationship, don't buy into it. You can do this and you have everyone here who will support you too. Just stop talking to her as of today and don't give in.
I stopped answering my phone or responding to emails or if she caught me online I quickly signed out. Yes, I felt bad, but I just kept reminding myself that I was taking care of my own emotional health by doing this and the other person would just have live with it, I was more important.
Your emotional well being is WAY too important to be compromised by some awful person.
---------- Post added at 15:58 ---------- Previous post was at 15:52 ----------
PS - how about trying the Assertiveness and Self Esteem modules on this online workbook? http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm
hey captain-savvy..... Lilharry's post is pretty much what I'd say. I couldnt have put it better myself.
SOmething I learned a few years ago is that if I have friends, colleagues etc who are like this then I keep my distance from them.
In fact we have a friend who is exactly like this... all she ever did was moan. She was part of a little group of friends we have; well.... in the end we stopped inviting her if we were off out for a meal because she was like a profit of doom. no-one liked here being there because she only happy talking about deepressing stuff. she really did my head in. i'm so glad we dont see her anymore. it didnt matter if you tried to get her to "see the light", she was only happy when she was moaning.
I just cant be round people like that and the last thing you need is her sucking your energy & enthusiasm out of you.
My parents can be like you describe - I have to keep my distance form them because otherwise they drag me down. As they are my parents I do of course stay in touch & I have tried to help them be more positive in their ways but it just doesnt work. In fact, at one point my partner said to me that I need to stop trying to change them as clearly they were having none of it. Now I dont "engage" in their antics as it were. I keep my head above water & dont let them pull me under.
What a miserable existence your friend must have and yes no wonder she has no friends. you have been very kind in putting up with her al this time but now you need to focus on yourself and your own wellbeing.
If you feel anxious then do look at the information on the website mentioned above because it really is very good.
also if you are anxious you can share your feelings here & people can help support you.
Hope it works out ok and of course if you have a plan of action you can always share it here & we can say "yes go for it"...!!
Sounds like you needed her a bit, but she she needs you a whole lot more. Now that you're married, you'll need her less and less.
True friends understand the need for balance in relationships, and also that time and events like marriage change things. They are kind, and they adapt. This doesn't seem to be the case here.
I agree that this person is demanding more of you to the point of manipulation and bullying. For that reason, you should cease the relationship, simply and without acrimony. Support that you would have got from her should be found from your husband and other friends and family.
captain-savvy
07-04-13, 17:23
Thanks all :) The idea of simply cutting communication really just feels impossible to me. I prefer trying to inch away from her bit by bit. I had actually accomplished this, and told her she was bothering me. It worked for a while, and I didn't mind talking to her for a little while in the evenings or something, and she stopped whining when I had other stuff to do... but since I became unemployed I foolishly started spending more time with her and now things are bad again. Thank you for all your input. I'm going to talk with my husband and do a lot of praying and try to come to the solution that will be easiest on my anxiety.
So glad I found this forum!
It does sound like you have a need for her, but the more you indulge it, the worse it gets.
Only you can do the cost-benefit analysis.
captain-savvy
14-05-13, 17:57
Hey folks... I haven't been on the forum in a while, but I thought I'd drop by with an update on this situation....
I still haven't done anything to handle the problem. I did finally call to make an appointment with a counselor, though since I have no insurance, no income and no government aid, I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it... but I'm supposed to go see him next week. Super nervous... but that's not the point.
Today I lied to Lisa and told her that I had to work, even though I didn't, so I could get a break from her. I realized that it's ridiculous. When you get to the point in a friendship where you lie so you can avoid talking to the "friend" , there's something seriously wrong! I came home and while I was still mad, wrote a "break up" letter of sorts. I also wrote a letter to our mutual friend explaining the situation. At the moment I'm feeling braver, but still not ready to take the plunge and send these letters yet. I feel the need to say something instead of cutting ties without explaining why.
I would like to post the letter on here to get your opinion on it.... would that be ok?
I'm also hoping that next week I can maybe finally get some medication, and maybe with meds to help with the anxiety and my husband to hold me close, I can finally do what needs doing. I'm still afraid that Lisa will retaliate somehow. My husband is from the Netherlands and had a horrible time getting through the visa process so we could get married, and I just wonder if she'll start making calls to cause problems for him with his immigration status out of spite. She hasn't threatened to, but I just don't know what she's capable of.
There's also this little voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm over-reacting, and if I end this friendship I'm a horrible person. I get so anxious about this mess... :(
Hey capt. Savvy, I would be happy to read the letters. It's a situation that needs dealing with and you know that. As regards retaliation, it's so hard to know what someone would or wouldn't do.
I have had situations before where I feared the worst from people who I have had to withdraw from in this way but fortunately it didn't turn out for the worst in terms of their reaction. It is very difficult to deal with this type of situation & something I do know is that if you already have other issues causing stress, then it is even harder to deal with things rationally because it is so complicated.
I don't know what the answer is but maybe it is a case of sending letters or maybe as someone suggested, just cutting communication without explanation.
If you do decide to post them as I say, I'd be happy to read for them you.
captain-savvy
14-05-13, 22:09
Thank you. Now that the day has passed (a day in which I've been constantly anxious about this, worrying if I'll be making a mistake or if I'm a horrible person, etc.) I'm having second thoughts and am back to not knowing what to do, whether to send these emails, try to talk to my friend, or just leave things the way they are and deal with it. I really don't want to hurt anyone :( Here are the letters, though. The first one is to the manipulative friend, the second is our mutual friend.
:::::
EDIT: I took out the letters because I have completely backed out of going through with it. Now I'm thinking it would be better to try and let the friendship end bit by bit, drifting apart naturally... maybe if I can get on lexepro again I can actually feel stable enough to handle the times when she wants me to be there and I don't want to be.
I feel so weak and defeated. :(
That's fair enough Capt. Savvy, it is really hard in these situations to know what to do. I've had things like that go on and debated long & hard. Its just so difficult isnt it? But you are welcome to keep sharing how you're doing because that all plays a part in your well-being. I get the same thoughts about being a horrible person sometimes but I bet like me, you are very kind hearted and not horrible at all. To have tolerated this manipulative friend of yours for so long you HAVE to be a kind-hearted person!
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