Job anxiety - really bad and affecting me quite badly

[smbljb]

Hi,

Around 5 years ago I had a bit of a breakdown and ended up on Citalopram for around 12 months. I eventually took myself off them with quite bad withdrawal symptoms but was feeling much better. The original breakdown was due to not working after a failed move abroad, my coping mechanisms just seemed to fall away and I spiralled into depression. I did a CBT course and saw a shrink twice and then got a job which meant I had to work away. The job was well paid and lasted for a year and ~I decided to work as an IT contractor from that point.

That was nearly 5 years ago and each break in contract brings the same set of symptoms. A total lack of self esteem, a total lack of confidence and an awful hopeless anxious feeling all of the time. I have enough money to keep us going for around another 5 months (I can't claim benefits) so have no real money worries, calls are picking up and it looks like I might find something soon. Yet I'm finding it very difficult to shake this feeling.

I've spent the last 2.5 years working in the City in London and have been very successful. Although I was known as a worrier by a few of my friends there so the demons are never far away.

It came to a peak last week when I secured my first interview last week. It turned out to be for a company that I didn't want to work for (a debt collection agency - 5 years ago I had 4 months without work and a similar company hounded me every day, even when I told them I was being treated they didn't stop). But work is work so I decided to go to the interview. Then I changed my mind. Then back again. I did this all week. Changing my mind 2 or 3 times a day but knowing in the back of my mind I had to go. And I did go. The interview was awful and I really hope they don't call back. I felt SO relieved when I came out and with a little more confidence that things were going to be ok.

But now I seem to be slipping back a bit. I seem to be obsessing about finding work and think about it all day. Every second seems to bring a new worry. I also seem to be driving my wife mad with this compulsive worrying and I know I need to do something about it.

6 months ago I was diagnosed with very high blood pressure (220/110) and stopped smoking. It gave me a real scare and I changed my diet and tried to reduce the stress at work etc. I went back to the docs last week and saw the same doctor I saw 5 years ago. This was for a check up on the BP and it was still high. I mentioned that I was feeling really anxious and he prescribed more anti depressants (Setraline 100 mg and Atarax 25mg).

The thing is I really don't want to take them. It was really difficult getting off them last time and although they were very good, after a year I felt I was living a kind of false life. I've decided to wait a few more days and see if I improve. I'm going to try running again and keep myself a bit busier. I'm also thinking of speaking to a counsellor about my state of mind and seeing if that helps.

In the back of my mind though I really don't know what to do. I just want this feeling to go away.

[Sparkle1984]

I know how you feel - whenever I've had to look for a new job, I've found it very stressful. I work in IT as well, but I wouldn't want to be a contractor as I'd find it too stressful having to look for a new job every few months.

I think you have done well to give up smoking and for changing your diet.

You have 5 months to find a new job so it's not urgent just yet, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I'd suggest setting aside a few hours each day to fill in applications and chase up potential employers. Make sure you give yourself enough free time in the evenings and at weekends to relax. If you try to do too much in one day you'll stress yourself out.

I've found this workbook (http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/ACF109F.pdf) about the problem solving technique to be very helpful. You can access all the different workbooks relating to anxiety and similar conditions here. (http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm)
CBT4Panic (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=131666) is another good free online course - it includes a module about obsessive thoughts and worries

There is no rush to restart medication - if you want to wait a few more days to see if you improve, I'm sure your doctor would be understanding. If the anxiety gets any worse, I would consider taking them though. Maybe sertraline would suit you better than citalopram did (although I haven't tried it myself).

I came off citalopram 5 weeks ago with my doctor's approval (after weaning off for 5 weeks) as I had recovered from my anxiety and learnt coping techniques, and I felt fine for the first few weeks, but in the last few days I've felt some anxiety creeping back and I've felt a bit low. Did you experience the same thing? Do you remember how long it took before the withdrawal effects went away completely?

[smbljb]

Hi Sparkle,

Thanks for your reply - it's full of good advice.

I think I've been much the same as you - always in the back of my mind thinking I can't cope - even when I plainly can and there is empirical evidence to support the fact I can. This just seems to be overwhelming me at the minute and although I am adamant I am not taking the meds I may do.

Just got my first job rejection after the interview on Friday so am smarting a bit. But, importantly, not as badly as I thought I might.

You're right about contracting - it's not the place for me I don't think but I love the money. When I'm in a job I realise I am better than most there, when I'm out of a job I just simply forget and I'm at the bottom of the pile again. Really strange how what I do seems to define who I am. I have a friend who works in Switzerland who reminded me that I have a lovely wife and 3 good kids. All doing well. The only thing I can see at the minute is that I'm letting them down.

To answer your question about the Citalopram though I had much the same experience as you seem to have had. It worked and for a year I was really comfortable. In the back of my mind though I knew I had to stand on my own 2 feet at some point and tapered off them. The withdrawal was awful - feelings like electric shocks in my head and in both arms. They only lasted a week or so and I was then fine.

I think some anxiety is a good thing. It's normal and healthy to worry but I read a really good article yesterday saying that worry is just the imagination of possible outcomes. Most of which never happen. And the ones that do happen only contain a very small amount of outcomes that can be controlled. It advised imaging positive outcomes to everything you worry about to trick your brain into not obsessing.

I think I'm going to start running, keep busier, see a therapist and then take the meds as a last resort. I just need to hold it together.