phoebe
08-04-13, 12:29
Hi,
I don't know where to begin, I thought posting this might help me in some way and any advice would be unbelievably appreciated.
About 2 hours ago my partner of 11 years walked out. I should mention that he's the most amazing partner and has treated me brilliantly over the last 11 years, as cheesy as it sounds he would move heaven and earth for me.
I suffered with anxiety back in 2007 which with the help of therapy I got past, it then started again in June last year. Starting around September last year I felt the most overwhelming anxiety when around him, sometimes it would be worse than others, other times it was ok. When it was at its worst I ended things with him as I felt it was my body telling me somethings not right in the relationship. I think I left him 3 times towards the end of last year, everytime I came back (within a few hours) as I felt the most overwhelming grief being away from him. If I was to be honest something still didn't feel quite 'right' when I came back but I couldn't say what. We went on absolutely fine from Xmas to around 4 weeks ago when it all started again and ironically around the same time I stopped having CBT.
We've been engaged for three years, I've been putting off getting married as something didn't feel 'right' to me, he wants kids, again I've been putting that off as it didn't feel 'right' to me for us to be having kids. I cannot explain the guilt I feel over stopping these things from happening. I know time is getting on, I'm 32, he's 35. But what do you do when it doesn't feel 'right'?
I found the ring before he asked me to marry him so I knew it was going to happen, I remember thinking 'no, please don't ask me, its not right'.
The intimate side of our relationship has never been right in eleven years. To be honest for a very long time I've never wanted to as again it didn't feel 'right'. He knows things need to improve in that area and says he doesn't feel confident but we've been together eleven years!! Surely you should feel comfortable when you've been together that long?
Last night he tried to hug me and I felt like I wanted to climb out of myself.
He really would do anything for me and in so many ways I feel so lucky to have found him. I just don't get it.
If our separation was to be permanent I'd have to look at getting a bedsit somewhere, I couldn't afford to keep our lovely house on my own. I'm 32 now so chances of finding someone else are slim so therefore chances of having children are slim, I'd be giving up so much. I don't have many friends so the chances of meeting someone are slim.
It terrifies me that us being apart is the wrong thing to do but at the same time it terrifies me to wake up in 20 years still feeling the same.
I've decided to be honest with myself, sat here typing this I feel strangely calm and less anxious, maybe even a bit of relief. I don't know where he is or where he's going to stay, he didn't pack much, I feel hugely worried for him.
I haven't said if I love him in this post, I don't know, does that in itself mean I don't? Surely you know if you love someone or not? I sometimes think we're too alike in some ways, neither of us is very confident or has many friends, we spend a lot of time together and very little time apart.
I don't know where to go from here, I could have just made the biggest mistake of my life, said goodbye to someone that treats me like a queen, supports me in everything, the nice house, marriage, kids on the other hand have a done the right thing? How will I ever know?
Thanks for reading.
Phoebs x
P.S. I should mention that I said I would go and stay with my Dad as I needed some time, he said he would go as he didn't want to be in the house.
I don't know where to begin, I thought posting this might help me in some way and any advice would be unbelievably appreciated.
About 2 hours ago my partner of 11 years walked out. I should mention that he's the most amazing partner and has treated me brilliantly over the last 11 years, as cheesy as it sounds he would move heaven and earth for me.
I suffered with anxiety back in 2007 which with the help of therapy I got past, it then started again in June last year. Starting around September last year I felt the most overwhelming anxiety when around him, sometimes it would be worse than others, other times it was ok. When it was at its worst I ended things with him as I felt it was my body telling me somethings not right in the relationship. I think I left him 3 times towards the end of last year, everytime I came back (within a few hours) as I felt the most overwhelming grief being away from him. If I was to be honest something still didn't feel quite 'right' when I came back but I couldn't say what. We went on absolutely fine from Xmas to around 4 weeks ago when it all started again and ironically around the same time I stopped having CBT.
We've been engaged for three years, I've been putting off getting married as something didn't feel 'right' to me, he wants kids, again I've been putting that off as it didn't feel 'right' to me for us to be having kids. I cannot explain the guilt I feel over stopping these things from happening. I know time is getting on, I'm 32, he's 35. But what do you do when it doesn't feel 'right'?
I found the ring before he asked me to marry him so I knew it was going to happen, I remember thinking 'no, please don't ask me, its not right'.
The intimate side of our relationship has never been right in eleven years. To be honest for a very long time I've never wanted to as again it didn't feel 'right'. He knows things need to improve in that area and says he doesn't feel confident but we've been together eleven years!! Surely you should feel comfortable when you've been together that long?
Last night he tried to hug me and I felt like I wanted to climb out of myself.
He really would do anything for me and in so many ways I feel so lucky to have found him. I just don't get it.
If our separation was to be permanent I'd have to look at getting a bedsit somewhere, I couldn't afford to keep our lovely house on my own. I'm 32 now so chances of finding someone else are slim so therefore chances of having children are slim, I'd be giving up so much. I don't have many friends so the chances of meeting someone are slim.
It terrifies me that us being apart is the wrong thing to do but at the same time it terrifies me to wake up in 20 years still feeling the same.
I've decided to be honest with myself, sat here typing this I feel strangely calm and less anxious, maybe even a bit of relief. I don't know where he is or where he's going to stay, he didn't pack much, I feel hugely worried for him.
I haven't said if I love him in this post, I don't know, does that in itself mean I don't? Surely you know if you love someone or not? I sometimes think we're too alike in some ways, neither of us is very confident or has many friends, we spend a lot of time together and very little time apart.
I don't know where to go from here, I could have just made the biggest mistake of my life, said goodbye to someone that treats me like a queen, supports me in everything, the nice house, marriage, kids on the other hand have a done the right thing? How will I ever know?
Thanks for reading.
Phoebs x
P.S. I should mention that I said I would go and stay with my Dad as I needed some time, he said he would go as he didn't want to be in the house.