Partner of 11 years just walked out, because of me

[phoebe]

Hi,

I don't know where to begin, I thought posting this might help me in some way and any advice would be unbelievably appreciated.

About 2 hours ago my partner of 11 years walked out. I should mention that he's the most amazing partner and has treated me brilliantly over the last 11 years, as cheesy as it sounds he would move heaven and earth for me.

I suffered with anxiety back in 2007 which with the help of therapy I got past, it then started again in June last year. Starting around September last year I felt the most overwhelming anxiety when around him, sometimes it would be worse than others, other times it was ok. When it was at its worst I ended things with him as I felt it was my body telling me somethings not right in the relationship. I think I left him 3 times towards the end of last year, everytime I came back (within a few hours) as I felt the most overwhelming grief being away from him. If I was to be honest something still didn't feel quite 'right' when I came back but I couldn't say what. We went on absolutely fine from Xmas to around 4 weeks ago when it all started again and ironically around the same time I stopped having CBT.

We've been engaged for three years, I've been putting off getting married as something didn't feel 'right' to me, he wants kids, again I've been putting that off as it didn't feel 'right' to me for us to be having kids. I cannot explain the guilt I feel over stopping these things from happening. I know time is getting on, I'm 32, he's 35. But what do you do when it doesn't feel 'right'?

I found the ring before he asked me to marry him so I knew it was going to happen, I remember thinking 'no, please don't ask me, its not right'.

The intimate side of our relationship has never been right in eleven years. To be honest for a very long time I've never wanted to as again it didn't feel 'right'. He knows things need to improve in that area and says he doesn't feel confident but we've been together eleven years!! Surely you should feel comfortable when you've been together that long?

Last night he tried to hug me and I felt like I wanted to climb out of myself.

He really would do anything for me and in so many ways I feel so lucky to have found him. I just don't get it.

If our separation was to be permanent I'd have to look at getting a bedsit somewhere, I couldn't afford to keep our lovely house on my own. I'm 32 now so chances of finding someone else are slim so therefore chances of having children are slim, I'd be giving up so much. I don't have many friends so the chances of meeting someone are slim.

It terrifies me that us being apart is the wrong thing to do but at the same time it terrifies me to wake up in 20 years still feeling the same.

I've decided to be honest with myself, sat here typing this I feel strangely calm and less anxious, maybe even a bit of relief. I don't know where he is or where he's going to stay, he didn't pack much, I feel hugely worried for him.

I haven't said if I love him in this post, I don't know, does that in itself mean I don't? Surely you know if you love someone or not? I sometimes think we're too alike in some ways, neither of us is very confident or has many friends, we spend a lot of time together and very little time apart.

I don't know where to go from here, I could have just made the biggest mistake of my life, said goodbye to someone that treats me like a queen, supports me in everything, the nice house, marriage, kids on the other hand have a done the right thing? How will I ever know?

Thanks for reading.

Phoebs x

P.S. I should mention that I said I would go and stay with my Dad as I needed some time, he said he would go as he didn't want to be in the house.

[Lilharry]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

My advice is to give it some time. Time apart can do wonders for a relationship and it can give you the head space you need to sort out your feelings for him. A relationship does need to feel right, but that doesn't always mean that you are with the wrong person. It not feeling right might just mean that things between you need to change. Counselling together may help you sort some of those things out.

Give it the time it deserves to sort out how you feel. Don't rush back for any of those reasons you outlined above - kids, marriage, house, guilt, anxiety. You need to feel certain about the relationship itself.

Also, there are no right and wrong decisions, there are just decisions made for the right reasons, and you make them and carry on with life. You don't know what the future has to hold, so you have to go with how you feel right here and now and what's right for you right here and now. Things will work out for you one way or another and there is no point regretting decisions made for the right reasons. I think you know in your heart what the right thing to do is, but give yourself the space to think it through properly.

Hugs, will be thinking of you xx

[mrsnobody]

iam sorry you are going through this and i agree that you need time to decide what you really want/need. relate councilling are very good at helping couples through difficult times including deciding if you stay together or go different your own way. its good that his a great man and togther you will decided, in time what is best for the both of you

[Edie]

Phoebe, I'm really sorry this has happened.

Your fondness for your partner is clear (and his for you), but you do seem a little undecided about your feelings for him in terms of the relationship.

At 32 you are still very young. Well I hope so, because I am 31 and still single. Women have children into their 40s now. If this is the end with your partner, then you have at least 10 years to start a family with someone new.

MrsNobody's suggestion to try Relate is a good one. Even if your partner is not willing, they can often help people out if you went to see them alone. It might help to talk through things and decide what you want to do, help you make the right decision you can feel comfortable with.

Take care of yourself, whatever you decide.

[bab]

When you say didnt feel right - do you mean you were unsure of relationship or you were anxious and it made you doubt/panic about things?

[phoebe]

Thank you all so much for your kind replies, I am typing this with tears streaming down my face as he left at around 10.00 am this morning, its now 6.40 pm, of all the times I've ended/needed space from him this is the longest, I'm wondering if that in itself means something.

I'm sitting typing on his laptop in a house that he pays the mortgage on whilst he's god knows where probably sleeping on someone's sofa and its all because of me, he couldn't treat me any better and still I can't be happy with him.

10 minutes ago he sent me a text wishing me good luck for a hospital appointment I have tomorrow (not anxiety related). It says so much about him, I'm breaking his heart and he still finds it in himself to wish me luck tomorrow. I feel like the most cold hearted person on the planet, I can hardly see to type I am crying that much.

I replied to him to say thank you, what I really wanted to say was a million sorry's and for him to come back, at the same time I know that's not right at the moment.

Babs, in answer to your question, I really don't know. We've talked about whether it is the anxiety making me feel like this or whether its the relationship making me anxious, I think I've been unsure about the relationship for many years. I have wondered if this is ROCD related as I've had OCD on and off since childhood, I just don't know anymore, my head is a mess.

Thank you again so much for your kind replies. x

[mrsnobody]

he loves you to bits by the sound of it but it has to be right for you too. to send a good luck text he understands what you are going through and is given you the space/time you need/asked for. you care for him to as you have said how lovely he is. take the time to find out what you both want/need

[Lost2010]

Hi Phoebe,

Sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment. I understand how the anxiety can end up causing massive amounts of guilt and, although it's easy for me to say, please try not to feel guilty about how you're feeling. Although you're apart at the moment you both sound like you're coping with it really admirably and you can tell by your posts how much you care for your partner and appreciate him.

Have you considered finding a therapist to talk it through with? It might help you determine whether your doubts are purely due to anxiety and/or OCD related or if they are general doubts about the relationship itself. Of course, it's still quite raw and maybe some time apart will be enough to help you figure things out.

ps. Hope tomorrow goes well for you

[underconstumble]

I have the same sort of problem. My partner or 2.5 years and fiance or one year is amazing but i have a lot of anxiety with our relationship. I ask myself if i would change anything with it and the answer is always no! I believe maybe it is something within us that needs work. Do you feel right about everything else in your life? I look at my life and see how wonderful it is but something within me makes me feel uneasy and not right. But once again if i wouldn't change anything. Despite my doubts i have organised our wedding and will go through with it. I am about to start counselling and i won't let my anxiety hold me back. Its so hard when it doesn't quite feel right with them but hurts so much to be without them. And it worries me that i might get ten years down the track and still not feel right but if i don't feel right with him and all our life has to offer then i might never feel right.

[Valentina]

I now how you feel