View Full Version : last night i tried to harm myself
Guys things are deff got deep and dark for me now....Last night i did something i was drawn to doing...i got drunk and felt great for the first time in months and months...i went back to my sisters and decided to take a couple of tamazapam 20mgs x 2...and go back out and hope i would find some way of puting myself in danger..so i was walking around at 2am and when i crossed the road i triped into the road and fell..i wasnt badly hurt only my knees..as i layed there i looked up and could see i was right in the middle of the main road .on a bend in the dark weering dark clothes...i was feeling the effects of the sleeping pills and thought of my whole life...and decided im just where i wanted to be..so i shut my eyes and new i would be run over by any car that comes ...the next thing i knew i was beeing draged out of the road by some guy,asking me are u alright etc your in the middle of the bloody road and i nearly ran over you..i was soo sleepy and just told him to leeve me on the side of the road..which after trying to get me to tell him where i live..i layed there and after a few moments i decided i obiously wasnt ment to die this night..im scared because this feeling just switched on and i really wanted it..i feel really high anxiety today from the drink and have been in a mess in my head.i whent to and told the chrises team all about it,and the didnt seem to be quite so concerned..they went on to tell me to up my trazadone by 50mg..and take diazapam at night and am for two weeks ...i told them about my excperiance as some of you know..upping my traz that quick..he kept saying i need to do this to try out at higher levels ..i said i was trying to go up in a slower pace as it allways seems to make my anxiety worse..but he just said ,well if it does get umbarable just get yourself to a and e and they will have someone there to counter act the meds etc..it was all very...just do it just take them...i told him it was me that had to go through the hell and is easy for him to just tell me to do it...i know hes right but guys you know how sencetive i am to these drugs...so i am going back wed and he will want to heae me say i have uped my traz..im nervious and more anxious knowing tonight im taking .another 50mg ..just like that....i know a lot of people just do it and get no more than extra tiredness but for me i know it will be high anxiety and with my life in such a chrisses at this moment loosing my family,.im worried all my problems will be worse in the morning...i just dont know what to do....help
simple solution.. ditch the pills, they clearly are not working. Go natural dude, excercise, diet and relaxation.. its the only way.. trust me on that dude.
good luck
Your body is screwball scrambled right now. It's been under a lot of pressure and the worry and thoughts about it make it a lot worse. This isn't going to go away overnight. You have to put things in place now. Do some guided relaxation, go for a swim, hypnosis, counselling, etc. It might not seem like they are working but you must give it time. Like Claire weekes says "let time pass". You have to teach your body and mind how to relax again. Do this. If you had started all this two weeks ago you'd be feeling the positive effects of it. So start now and begin to notice how it helps, even if only a bit initially.
Bottom line is act now: do something every day for your body, mind, and spirit. Please.
Greg...I am so so so pleased that the guy saw you and dragged you out of the road. I really don't know what to suggest regarding the meds...you need something to help you sleep. Diazepam works for me but it doesn't seem to be working for you. I wish the crisis team would give you more help. You are crying out for it and they don't seem to be doing a lot. Greg you can be strong and there are a lot of people who care about you. If you feel like you did again last night please phone a help line or go in the chat room here to talk to someone. :hugs::hugs:
Hi Greg,
I've not replied to you before but I have been reading your posts and you are going through an extraordinary hard time. I hope the support you are getting on here is giving you a wee bit of hope for the future.
My b/friend suffers from bipolar. We've been together for 5 years and he has a long history of suicide attempts dating back to his teens (he's 31 now). For the most part of the last 15 years he has not seen any point in living and has just dragged himself through life somehow. He would spend months at a time in a cycle of drinking himself to sleep, waking up and drinking himself to sleep again. It sounds terrible but at one point even I was thinking, 'what kind of life is this for a person? he's going through mental torture every single day, maybe he is best out of it.' Makes me sound like a monster but I really can't emphasise enough just how much pain he was in for such a long time. The past year has seen a massive turn around for him. His current treatment has done him wonders - he's happy, full of life, goes running at 7am, stopped drinking completely and is enjoying life and all thats good about it. Its been over 9 mths now so we're hopeful it'll last long term
I just wanted to tell you his story because he was totally hopeless and even the people around around him had lost hope. But you never know what's around the corner so you just have to hang on in there because one day you WILL find happiness again.
Good luck to you, I hope someone is taking care of you xxx :hugs:
footballking
09-04-13, 00:18
Hi Greg,
I've not replied to you before but I have been reading your posts and you are going through an extraordinary hard time. I hope the support you are getting on here is giving you a wee bit of hope for the future.
My b/friend suffers from bipolar. We've been together for 5 years and he has a long history of suicide attempts dating back to his teens (he's 31 now). For the most part of the last 15 years he has not seen any point in living and has just dragged himself through life somehow. He would spend months at a time in a cycle of drinking himself to sleep, waking up and drinking himself to sleep again. It sounds terrible but at one point even I was thinking, 'what kind of life is this for a person? he's going through mental torture every single day, maybe he is best out of it.' Makes me sound like a monster but I really can't emphasise enough just how much pain he was in for such a long time. The past year has seen a massive turn around for him. His current treatment has done him wonders - he's happy, full of life, goes running at 7am, stopped drinking completely and is enjoying life and all thats good about it. Its been over 9 mths now so we're hopeful it'll last long term
I just wanted to tell you his story because he was totally hopeless and even the people around around him had lost hope. But you never know what's around the corner so you just have to hang on in there because one day you WILL find happiness again.
Good luck to you, I hope someone is taking care of you xxx :hugs:
You never really specified what his current treatment is? just running at 7am? or is he on some type of medication?
Greg
You and most probably most members on here will disagree with me but NMP is the not the right place for you right now.
Quite frankly you are in a complete mess and a danger to yourself.
Every few days you start a new thread with an alarming title and countless people have given you various forms of advise to the best of their ability but as stressed by Nicola we are not doctors.
You can't carry on posting lke this as it is obviously not helping,. I implore you to go and get some professional advise as to how to try to manage your life.
I am ,suppose being cruel to be kind, but I assure you my attentions are admirable.
Ricardo..I AM SEEKING and attending all the help out there..mental health team and chrisses team and trying new medecations...ourside that i have no friends in my life and a small familly..on a daily cycle i getup and only see my sister all day and profesionals..thats it..my sister finds it hard to talk about and prodesionals just give text book advice...Iv grown to be very familier with people in hear and just need to hear others who suffer,tell me it will all get better ,you will improve...i read other posts and can see im not alone..this is not the first time i feel you have replied in a negative way to my posts...while everyone eles is only ever being possituve...my answer for you..is stop reading my posts if they somehow bug you.....sorry if this sounds harsh mate.but i get the impresion you think i just post on hear and do not try to help myself in anyway..well i do..and some of the smallest words and advice on hear,is prib the only reason while i continue..it is poss for a small amount of peiple to suffer in a very unfortunate way and never feel any benefits to treetment .i like to vent in this forum and take some comfort in the possitive posts back to me...plus there is no where eles for me other than what i am doing..sorry to hear you find my posts a pain
---------- Post added at 08:20 ---------- Previous post was at 08:10 ----------
Allso to add to my posts..i took all the doctors advice last night,despite the fact iv told him iv suffered to the smallest meds increase...i took 3mg of diazapam and a extra 50mg of trazadone as they presured me to take..half hr before i wint to bed..after about 40 min i didnt feel relaxed in any way..i fell to sleep due to exhaustion..i woke up at 3.30am in an instant feeling of high anxiety ,more than norm..my head was chattering and my eyes were all over the place under my eye lids..i was not causing this to happen ,i just woke like this.i couldnot go back to sleep and have been awake since..
So the increse in trazadone did not make me sleep any better and the diazapa.m didnt hep ..so what am i suppose to think when these small amounts effects me so much....
---------- Post added at 08:24 ---------- Previous post was at 08:20 ----------
Andvaltho I KNOW PEOPLE on hear ARE NOT DOCTORS...i only ask for simple advice and like to hear any sugestions that may help...im not looking to presure people for profesional advice..there are people in these forums with as bad or worse isues than me...so i allways hope i can get ADVICE not a doctors point of view..just to give me hope
Greg
I don't find your posts a pain otherwise I wouldn't respond would I ?
My intention was not to upset you and if it came over as blunt, I apologise.
I can't comfort you and I really don't think i am being negative just expressing my feelings as i have said before, i wear my heart on my sleeve.
We all have different ways of opening up on here and I assure you if you read through my latest posts I am not excatly having a wonderful time myself.
I obviously don't know you but feel that you are in a crisis situation and need help
.
That's not being negative that's a reality.
Anyway, I meant well but will adhere to your request and not reply again. I sincerely wish you good luck.
Listen Ricardo..i dont want to seem ungreatful or anything..you are more than welcome to read or respond to my posts if you like...i was just explainingbto you the full picture and my complete understanding to my seriousnes of my illnes..and wanted you to know i am fully aware to seeking help etc and how ill i am...But not everyine gets the help they need..doctors and chrisses teams all act different to each other in different towns..even the samaritons i went to vissit wete realy unhealpfull and almost encouraged me to be negative and didnt try and stop me when i told them i was very ill....so i am just seeing a whole line in the prifecionals help,that i have not choice in that are running my life and as you can see are not really listning to me..so i feel traped..and the feeling of not getting well always hangs over me.....as i lay in my bed i can now hear my sister snoring realy loud at 9am...this makes me really jelious esp as she has been on 100mg of traz for over a year and she tells me she is out like a light and sleeps about 8hrs solid with no side efects....i increse slight amounts and find it actuall wakes me and cause more anxiety....so this is why im allways looking for different opinions and advice....stay in touch mate..i allso were my heart on my sleeve...
You never really specified what his current treatment is? just running at 7am? or is he on some type of medication?
I can't remember the exact meds or doses but he's on the full dose of 2 types of SNRI, one of which is Mirtazipine which knocked him out for about 8 weeks, and he also takes an experimental drug which is supposed to curb alcohol cravings (sorry for lack of specific info, I can ask him for the details if you like). He's a long term med taker and would probably be too scared to go it alone. I think that good diet and exercise have been crucial but he needed a bit of help getting to the stage where he could face the outside world.
He sees a psychiatrist once a week, a psychologist once a week, goes to two SMART Recovery meetings and has a care co-ordinator. He is also signed off on ESA, recieves other benefits and is on mid level DLA. If he had this help years ago he might not have spent his 20's in a room drinking but we have to be grateful that we have it now.
x
Greg - I too have struggled with doctors who won't listen. I won't take meds and am going it largely alone, but I have finally found a doctor who I like and a counselor who is great. It sounds to me that you need people in your life you can trust to help you. I'm not sure how you can go about that, but keep pushing and keep trying new doctors. It's exhausting, but eventually you will find someone who can help you. Everyone is different. Is there anything that you have found that does help you that you can work with? I have found the less clinical and more holistic doctors and counselors to be more helpful in general as they look at all aspects of your life rather than just ply you with drugs. I'm not saying that the drugs are bad, but they're not the whole picture - there must be other things happening in your life that are making you feel like this. Perhaps there is a community group that might be able to help you - I would try as many different things as you can.
Guys of course i am very greatfull for all advuce..have allways tried to get whats avalible for me...im waiting for my group councoling that has been made aval for me and i am pushing chrisses teams and doct etc..i supose when i post guys im not looking for constant new advice..i just dont have any fruends to talk to..so i just air my thoughts in hear...its just nice to get it of my chest ..and excpect nothing in return but welcome any possitive coments....I am trying and doing guys most of you know my history and excperiancs..andvhave given me good poss directions which i have taken and tried.but unfortunatly i have negstive reslonces but thats only becsuse im so tired and week..but i meen well with my responces...thankyou
Greg - Ricardo is a genuine guy and I think he was just concerned that you were getting confusing advice. We all suffer from anxiety on here so sometimes we're not the best people to offer advice because our viewpoints are clouded by our own fears and experiences.
That being said this is a forum where you should be comfortable saying whatever you feel without fear of judgement because we can't do that in real life for various reasons. So please continue to do so xxx :hugs:
Greg I am so sorry the change in meds has still not worked. I was wondering if maybe seeing a herbalist will help? I know some one who went down that route and it has worked so much better for her than prescribed medicine has. The only problem with this is you would have to pay for it. Take care Greg, :hugs::hugs:
Thanks annie..i got appt tom chrises team andbwill talk about my last couple days...I just want to say out loud..i have made it clear to ricardo i dont take it personally and havevremained as no more panic friends...and explaind i understand we are all suffering and am only looking foral support and not pro advice...i just need to vent and air my feelings as we all do..i do love you all and i know i post alot.but mainly because iv tried everything and every option but just have bad excperiances..and get frustrated and as i say .im in a very loney enviroment at my sisters and unfamilier grounds and town..no more panic is the only familier place for me right now..my wife and familly were my support but i dont have that anymore..thanks for understanding
Greg...keep posting and keep venting your feelings, we all need somewhere to do this at times. If you didn't post I would be worrying about you so keep posting!!! :D It is always good to speak to others who are going through or have gone through similar experiences. I have just had 2 nights with no sleep due to work related stuff and I feel dreadful (and a bit grumpy :) )so I can't image what it must be like for you. Here for you whenever you want to chat.
Annie ..you are one of the main reasons why im still posting..iv been in contact with you for sometime now and a few other angels and guys.But i fell i know you guys well and actually feel like you could be my close sister..thats how you guys make me feel....all i will say ,is...i can promis you i will still be suffering in the next few weeks but in a couple of months,i will know one way or another the path i will be taking...i just need to get to this part of this mess and we will i know for sure where i stand..sorry to sound so criptic..but i need to still be hear in 2 months and i think i will be ok if i am..cheers annie..I hope you to get some sleep soon...i know how u feel..
Just trust that at some point you will get there, it may take some time, but eventually it has to get better, the only way is up when you hit the bottom. We are all here to listen so keep expressing your thoughts if it's helping mate.
Aww Greg that is a lovely thing to say. It is funny how we can feel so close to people we haven't met, but it is because of that understanding and empathy of how another person is feeling. Just hang in there, you will get through this some how. :hugs::hugs:
Cheers dazza..and of course..my annie..
Hi Greg..Just checking in on you today :hugs::hugs:
Hi annie..not as bad..I managed to get 5hrs solid sleep..still woke at 5am but not before..i had to have my usuall trazadone and quitepine a 1/8 of this.iv talked about this one befor..its a strange one because i can have 1\8 of the min dose and it keeps me sleeping..if i didnt have my sisters son getting up at 5 am then who knows...anyway i feel a bit lighter today and hope this stays..Im still in deap thougt about my life all day but iv had a few pockets where i havnt and its felt nice in spots..but iv been hear before as you well now and iv not had it again.so im not going to get out the champayne just yet..its been nerly 4 weeks since i started this jurney and know it could get worse.but for today and now.im not thinking about tomorow...ill try and stay a bit possitive..and hope im not back hear again soon with negative posrs..thanks for watching over me..i really do feel close to some of you guys and allways forget to remember you have your own problems..so i realy wish you well and hope you are doing ok.....i hope that i dont have to post in a few weeks for a final time or times..but there is some very sticky roads ahead that i will need to tackle as the next few weeks come to me..and hope the gods are watching over me so that i can make one massive possitive post..i cant tell you any more as yet.but in a few weeks time my future hangs in the balance..fingers crossed real tight ...
I am pleased you managed to get a bit longer sleep last night even if it was only 5 hour, it is progress. I really hope things turn out well for you and will keep my fingers crossed. Hang onto those positives however small they may be :) I started pilates today, was scary going there but I felt better for it. :hugs::hugs::hugs:
Well done Annie..thats really good for your body and sole iv been told..keep you flexable and loosen your joints..well done ..you should be proud..well done:hugs:
I didn't realise just how much tension I had in my muscles and found it so difficult to relax my shoulders, the instructor kept pushing them down :)
My friend swares by it..stick to ir and you will soon get more supple and lose..give it a couple of weeks....good for you
Hi Greg
So glad you managed some sleep, why don't you buy yourself some earplugs(I know you havnt the money at the moment but say when you get your benefit) boots sell them or maybe the pound shops.I use them as my son gets up at 7 and he used to wake me, but now I can't hear him!
Hope the antihistamine worked for you, I use one sometimes called atavax work's for me.
Keep going Greg,it's so hard but you will get there you just need the sleep once you get that sorted the other problem you have will be easier for you to deal with.
Well done anni for going to Pilates. Just think in a few weeks you'll be so supple.
Thanks Clio..I have used ear plugs for month actuslly..they blot out some of the background sound but not louder sounds..i didnt get to try out the new sleep aids yet as they didnt have in stock yesterday..ill be getting today...Im in the prosses of cutting down the tamazapam that i took for over the last couple of weeks.so come down to 5mg from 20mg..i slept last night untill 4.50 am but havnt been back since..only drifting in and out of mini sleeps for only 15 min a time..today i do feel really tired again and heavy again..yesterday i felt a kind if light feeling..but today not so..and a bit irritated with a slight panic feel to my mind..im hoping this will move away as i had a pritty good day yesterday and want to be in that place again..
Just keep reminding yourself of the positive feelings you had yesterday Greg. I have been awake since 3 am after 4 hours sleep. I have a spa afternoon booked so hopefully that will get me more relaxed and I may get a better night tonight.
I will thanks Annie..sorry to hear you had a bad night sleep to..I can totaly relate to you..I hope you have a great day and relaxing spar..ill catch up with you latter tonight im sure..take care.:)
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